Need guidance with out of control teen

[Butterflybelly]

H e has split from his girlfriend and I'm to blame in his eyes. H e has kicked a door of its hinges, taken my phone, threatened the girlfriends dad, smashed up her phone. I vs suspended the phone accounts so mine might also be smashed now. I've locked him out to give him time to cook down and avoid the backlash. I'm frightened what he might do. He's very I mature, he struggles to manage and regulate his emotions generally and he is impulsive. His girlfriend told me he's using a lot of drugs. I suspected that anyway. His dad doesn't really want to acknowledge his existance. I'm on my own. No support. I don't know what to do for the best. Please help.

[poobumwee]

hope the appointment went well!
great he opened up to you!

[Butterflybelly]

Thank you all. I would love ya to have family therapy. I’ve looked in to MST but we don’t meet the criteria. I have in the past called the police three times. It’s made zero difference. He has to pay for what he damages. This time he’s damaged his phone. I hope this will mean he thinks twice about having outburst that result in damage. Just waiting to see gp now. He’s less emotional today and less keen to see gp but we are here. Let’s see.

[Kidsdub]

Hi butterfly,
It’s great he connected with u to sob and let out some of them emotions , that’s great even if he did walk out it’s a start. He needs help with his emotions but first he needs to stop the drugs no point getting help if he using drugs .
I would suggest u both go to some counselling some family counselling.
We did and it helped me a lot and we had space to explore both sides .
I also strongly recommend if he smashing up the house or is violent to u call the police. Again we did that and that was the end of smashing up the house now he will bang doors etc but only if provoked he won’t damage the house . I made him pay for all he broke so it became expensive.
I walk away from arguments now.
U need support in this , some advice and direction, maybe try parent line if they have one were u are ?
Ur doing ur best so try not beat urself up either u will get there and things will improve in time and u like me will learn to handle him better he may not change for a while but u can learn better ways to deal with him . Big hugs x

[Oddcat]

Have a word with social services and ask about MST (multi systemic therapy)

I've been there so can sympathise, it's awful. Still going through it now and DD is 20

[Butterflybelly]

Thank you. That was nice to read. We’ve had a really long chat tonight. He’s told me he’s depressed and is full of self loathing. He told me hates himself and is self medicating. For the first time he’s accepted he needs help and agreed I make a gp appointment tomorrow. I’m praying he goes through with it.

[Alditha]

I have a teenage son myself but he is only 14 and he's had difficulties over the last 18 months. No SEN to my knowledge but hanging out with the wrong crowd and smoking weed. Anyway apart from that I think you are fabulous. You understand your son and are being there for him. He sounds very troubled and depressed possibly. Using drugs is self medicating and masking his problems but they're still there and the drugs then cause problems too. Your said his dad is not interested and maybe that is also part of the problem. If he could get help and time to talk, maybe you could call youngminds for support also.
I'm absolutely no expert and having my own troubles but I think you are right and brave to keep going with him.

[Butterflybelly]

Really lily? In what way? Do you really think social services have time to intervene with a teenager who has occasional angry outbursts? What do you think social services will offer by way of support? Are people seriously suggesting I pack a 16 year old a bag mid gcse’s And tell him to find somewhere else to live because he’s struggling with life? I can’t do that. It seems like a very extreme response and I suspect it would not end well. A 16 year old struggling to cope. No one except his mother and she gives up on him too. No. I could not do that. Lily I suspect you are projecting but I could be wrong. What is it that makes you think this is more than a tennager going off the rails?

[Lilymossflower]

He sounds literally exactly the exact same as my ex. His mother and father also would say oh 'just strong emotions etc'
But that's not an excuse. Of course he is your child and you will have empathy for him and want to help him but he needs to realise this isn't ok behaviour, and accept the doctors help/medicine/therapy etc.

[Lilymossflower]

I would consider this more than just teenager going off the rails story.

He needs what summerinrome said

[ragged]

How does he pay for his drugs?

[Butterflybelly]

I’m back! Thanks for all of your input. I’m not phoning the police. That moment has gone. In my view he’s just 16 and despite his tall frame he’s just a child. It doesn’t matter if he’s old enough to join the army. That’s another topic for another time. I’m responsible for him. I’m worried about him. He is struggling emotionally. He doesn’t know how to deal with his very strong emotions. I think he’s self sabotaging. He has had a really difficult year. He’s making his own life difficult. Pushing everyone around him away. He’s tonight sobbed uncontrollably. He’s asked for help. Now he’s stormed out. I’m so worried for him. I do not know what to do next.

[summerinrome]

Intimidate

[summerinrome]

Op I think you need to put your foot down, he goes to the doctor or he is out. You pack his bags and tell him to leave.

You have no options left, you are vulnerable to his aggression and lack of control and you need proper support.

You sit down with the dr (book a double appointment) and tell them everything that has happened and you can be referred for support. Anger management, assessments, medication.

No more money, no more funding of any kind. Strip out all benefits such as his phone, luxury food. You have much more power than you think. If he gets aggressive, call the police. He can not intimate you into giving him money/phone and clothes.

It all stops now.

Social services may help, but otherwise your GP definitely can.

Bite the bullet now before it is too late.

[PastBananas]

Sorry OP, but I agree with other posters, perhaps it is time to get the police involved. You shouldn't have to deal with his violent and threatening behaviour on your own like this. He's not a child any more.

[iun33]

We are dealing with 2 out of control teens, both hit puberty and have come monsters we are terrified of. My theory is the hormones in the food ,has to be. These kids are much bigger, more aggressive, and mean. How do you not go bankrupt from constatly buying new clothes and shoes?

[Kareninfrance]

Mine just turned 18 in April - things no better - doesn't speak to us unless asking for money, lofts, cigarettes. Refused to go to college all week - just in his bedroom. All I get is fuck off if I try to speak to him. Don't know what to do - tried everything.

[sparkleshine16]

Kidsclub, your story is very similar to mine. My boy had been diagnosed with anxiety and depression although has now disengaged from the supports I fought so hard to get him. He continues to prefer the bad crowd to anything we might come up with and despite me worrying to death about the further impact of taking drugs on his mental health, nothing changes.He is almost 18 and I believe it’s time for me to take a step back (for now not forever) it’s really really tough and unless you’re going/ have went through it you can never truly understand. I hope things get a bit better soon.

[Kidsdub]

Hi
Really sorry to hear this too . Too many parents experiencing the same with teenage boys yet feeling so isolate.
I have been experiencing the same thing the last two years with my son.
It all kicked off after he was bullied in school causing him anxiety .
I feel this lead him to drugs which change my once loving quite boy to smashing up my car and house on more than one occasion.
We had so many battles with him about drugs but he refuses to see they do him any harm . He left school this year with no qualifications. But its a relief as he never went and I battled for so long.
He says now he wants a job & to change but even now the attitude is awful. He has zero respect for me of any of us . if I ask him to do anything he doesn’t like (could just be to turn down his music) he could kick off shouting and banging things or throwing something .
My daughter 12 is terrified of him if he kicks off and she’s now has mild anxiety because of him .
We have told him to leave a number of times but he’s always comes back with apology but nothing changes.
At this stage he does what he wants and goes and comes as he pleases but I am now drug testing him for his pocket money and already he has a stash of someone’s pee in a bottle to dup the test. So when I test him and call him out on this he will kick off.
I’m sorry I’ve no advice I just hope he matured soon or when he’s 18 he will have to leave for good .

[poobumwee]

creepingbuttercupdrivesmemad its awful and you are not alone!
Our experience is certainly that bad behavior is a sign of underlying issues that need to be understood and addressed. while our son's ADHD and ASD diagnosis didn;t change anything over night it helped us understand him better and make adjustments at home to reduce the number of explosions he would have. I had felt for years he was a little different to other kids but could not put my finger on it, as I naively thought it couldn;t be autism because he was fairly eloquent. my ignorance! He takes medication on days when he is being taught which helps him concentrate-we do not medicate at weekends or during holidays, as it affects his appetite. I really hope things get easier. Many people who have not gone through this, will judge parents who are. But we are good parents and love our kids. He really did get in with the wrong crowd and go off the rails!

[creepingbuttercupdrivesmemad]

poobumwee your message is really helpful. I am going through exactly the same at the moment with my nearly 15 year old (and we are waiting for an ADHD diagnosis).

I came on to reassure the OP that she isn't alone, but goodness it's tough.

[poobumwee]

Really sorry you are going through this.

We have experienced similar issues ourselves. Son struggling at school, got in with wrong crowd, weed, trouble with police, violence and aggression at home.

A year ago I questioned whether he would still be living with us. would have happily kicked him out. I'm glad we didn't. He has ASD which does influence his behaviour.

We had him arrested, during one particularly nasty incident. we'd had enough and his behavior was traumatising our 11 year old daughter (while physically safe, emotionally the toll was awful). Police were excellent-took him away over night as he was out of control. When he came home we told him next time we would press charges and we meant it.

Since then things have improved, due to other changes we have made at home. There were underlying issues driving his behavior which we understand more clearly now and offered him support.

Youth offending team (who have also been excellent) are working with him and he is engaged and doing what he needs to do, as part of his caution.

9/10 he is in on time or early now and if running late will ring to let us know. a year ago he would be out until midnight or 1am with us having no idea where he was.

Another key change was he stopped mixing with the wrong crowd-his choice-but he learned the hard way that they were bad news. We also relaxed some expectations, but held firm on others. EG no smoking at all in the house, in by certain time and contact us when running late, but bedtime was up to him (as long as he doesn't disturb us). We did this because we were arguing over bed time and i just didn;t have the energy to deal with something so trivial compared to everything else we were managing, and was close to a nervous breakdown. . nothing to argue about now. the other thing I would say is that he was definitely testing us to see how far he could push-he had low self esteem and was trying to push us away. He's doing GCSE maths and applying for college. things are by no means perfect but so much better than they were

[sparkleshine16]

Just wanted to say, you’re not alone in this situation as I’ve had a similar experience for the past 2 years and tried absolutely everything with very little success/ change in behaviour. I now believe only time and maturity may make a difference. I’m happy to speak to you via pm if that would help, it’s extremely difficult and really important that you remember to take care of yourself whilst trying to support him.

[PerspicaciaTick]

Where does his money come from?

[helpfulperson]

I know calling the police on your own child isn't nice but if you can't control him maybe it's the only option. He needs to understand it isn't OK to behave like that.