15 yr old and school refusal

[Melonsonic]

I'm at my wits end.

Over the last couple of years, my ds has refused to go to school at least one day every fortnight.

Lately, it has got much worse and I am lucky if he attends school three days a week.

He is too big for me or dh to drag out of bed.

He has been asked many times if he is being bullied or if something else is worrying him, but we have drawn a blank.

He has been investigated in hospital for health problems and is now on medication for stomach migraine.

However, I strongly suspect that he just wants to sleep at home rather than go to school.

His attendance has dropped to 67% and he has his GCSEs next year.

I am terribly worried.

Does anyone have any experience or wisdom on this issue?

Another day, another refusal to go to school...

Every morning is hellish.

Can I add my name to the list ? DD 15yo, school refuser. She stopped going to her last school because of some bad experiences, so we moved her to a new school, now at this school she does 3 days a week. The stress is horrendous, every night just worrying 'will she or won't she!'. Stomach aches, nausea, vomiting, so it is clearly anxiety, but she won't accept that is what is behind the physical symptoms. Today she is laying in bed all day watching movies. She says she likes this school and has made friends, although I don't know how long she will keep them for at this rate. She is so rude to me and I am recently finding that I sometimes goad her, like she tells me to Shut up and I will be really sarcastic and rather than ignore her, I keep at it until she flips and screams at me, I am acting like a bloody toddler. Then I feel guilty and blame myself for not acting like an adult, but she has driven me to insanity. She really needs to speak to a counsellor but she won't ! I am so tired of it all, and just want to run away, if she was the only child I think I would be gone. There are times I detest her and other times when I feel so very sorry for her.

Another bad day... we should of had a college interview tonight he just can't do it.
I wrongly thought that the new begging and fresh start would help. We've had to rearrange. Rang to chase CBT with camhs.
I'm so scared to push him to do things especially when he's messaging saying he's ruining everyone's lives being like this and is fed up of life.
Can not leave him alone.., I'm scared to. My parents are a godsend but it's taking it's toll on them too. How do we do this? I'm a single mum trying to work whilst I'm leaving v my baby at home feeling like this?

We've also not done great here. She swore blind she'd go in at breaktime. I left for college, calling the school on the way to let them know she'd be in at break. On my break, I got a call asking where she was

I'm undecided as to whether this one is anxiety related or truanting. She has PE today and has self harm scars on her arms and legs. They won't let her wear her joggers and long sleeved top for indoor PE, so she stays off instead to hide her scars. Yet another meeting with the school has been arranged for Monday to see if there's anything they can do to help her.

On a brighter note, she attended a counselling session yesterday and is going back next week. We've done CAHMS, she hated it, refused to speak to them so they signed her off. She did one session with the school counsellors and never went again. Point blank refused online counselling and Art Therapy, so agreeing to go back to a counselling place is a massive step in the right direction.

Alpha, DD has anxiety and depression. It took us a year to convince her to try counselling and as you can see from the above, after getting her to agree it wasn't plain sailing. Hopefully, your DD will eventually see that she needs help too.

Frequency and Shitbags... sorry today was rubbish

Alpha welcome to our support thread. Sorry you are going through this.

I am wondering whether to try private help? I've no idea how I'll fund it?
Can anyone Advise costs etc? And if In your experience it was better than waiting for camhs

Hi Shitbags, my dd had CBT privately on and off for about 6 months. We paid £110 per session (ouch!) Despite missing large amounts of school last years, CAMHs told us that the only thing they could do was add her name to an 18 month waiting list for CBT. We thought the private CBT had helped her a little bit with her school related anxiety. However, after a "friendship" incident over the Xmas holidays she told us at the start of this term that she would not be going back to her school. Never ever.

With huge reluctance we told her school that she would not be returning, as we felt that after a year of intermittent school refusal we had to look for alternatives. She's currently trialing Interhigh (an online school) and we're also looking at an alternative much smaller secondary school. Now that she's out of school, she's much happier - so much so that when we had a meeting at CAMHs last week they said she was no longer depressed so they would have to discharge her.

I really feel for you and your son, it must be incredibly stressful for you as well as him. As he's so close to finishing school, would he be able to finish his GCSE syllabuses at home using revision guides? My dd has always been very happy to work quietly at home, she just hated being in school. I'm actually leaving her in the house now while I go to work as I know she'll do her Interhigh lessons plus homework. This wasn't an option when she was school refusing as I simply didn't feel comfortable leaving her all day on her own. She was highly distressed on the days when she couldn't go into school.

I hope you manage to get somewhere with CAMHs, and huge sympathy to everyone else too. The only thing I can add is that our mornings are much less hellish now I'm not trying to make her go to school!

Thanks so much for that.
He's currently working from home.
Completing the mocks he's missed. Once those are done he will be getting work every day off his teachers to complete and will have to go in after school
Hours to take it back and see ant teachers he needs to speak to.
School are incredibly supportive.
The stress of no mornings trying to get him there is a bonus I'll admit.
I'm still awaiting my call back from camhs as we missed each other today.
He's brighter tonight. He's rearranged his college interview. Part of me feels that we will go through this again on the next appointment day but I'm
Hoping not.
I know tomorrow afternoon he will be stressed again as we take the work he's completed back. It's draining isn't it?
But speaking to you all in here as much as I'd hate anyone to go through this it's nice to know I'm not alone.
I'll look into the private option thanks for the info

You're certainly not alone, it seems to be very common doesn't it?

It sounds as though your son is very motivated despite not being able to go to school. Do you think it would help you agreed that he could stay at home for a few weeks, so long as he's working? My dd's anxiety disappeared once she knew she didn't have to go back to school. Could you perhaps get a tutor for your son so he stays on top of his school work? It might possibly benefit him more than paying out for private CBT which would probably take several months to make a difference. There's a really useful Facebook group called Home Education UK Exams and Alternatives which has a lot of useful information about studying for exams at home. I hope you manage to get hold of CAMHS tomorrow.

After an awful day of him refusing to go in this afternoon to take his work in I've rang school to give them the update. What's happened last two days. I really didn't want to make that call.
They were lovely... he's going in with his grandad tomorrow. Then his English teacher had rang offering one to one after school when everyone has left to help him.
So after an awful few hours there is light!
Camhs have said we are awaiting someone to be discharged from CBT before he gets his place..., how longs that piece of string!
Thanks all for ongoing support, this thread is just helping me get it out at times too

Scared to jinx things, but DD has been at school 4 out of 5 days this week. But she has been in an absolutely foul mood when she gets home from school. Do your kids take out their bad moods on you? Is it the result of releasing her pent up anxiety on me ?

Managed to get ds in yesterday... the rest of the week was not so good...

Hi all - have read all your posts and send my best wishes to all of you.

My dh lost control today - it's been weeks since our 15 year old attended school for more than one full day a week.

Dh slammed the door to ds's bedroom and screamed his head off. He then thumped the walls and injured his hand.

I was terrified. I have never seen dh like that.

Ds eventually went into school for the afternoon.

Anyway, hope you are all ok.

I'm not coping.

Iheartdogs - so sorry you were so scared today. I know how you feel, when the kids push dh to scary levels of frustration I just don't know what to do with myself. It WILL pass, it's not forever, take it one small step at a time, you're certainly not alone which should reassure you that it's not your fault. You'll cope....we all have days when we feel like our heads in a vice....i understand....but you'll cope and you'll move forward. Sending the hugs you need luv xxx

Hi guys,

Thought you might like the perspective of an ex-traunter. I'm 19 now and in my third year at university but when I was about 14/15 (Scottish Year 3 and 4) I attended 1 full day a month at most and had all sorts turning up at my mums door and sending threatening letters about what would happen if I didn't start attending.

I think it partially was laziness but mostly because I hated the school system and felt like it infantilised everything we did - raising hands to go to the bathroom, getting parental signatures on every piece of homework, it was very much a "act like an adult but be treated like a child" type of scenario that frustrated me. My mum and I used to have screaming matches when she'd find out I hadn't gone in for yet another day. Looking back I caused her a great deal of stress and pain which I'm sorry for now. The mere thought of going in and having to make small chat with some of the most shallow and cruel people on the face of the earth (just the way a lot of teenagers are unfortunately) would make me burst into tears however I couldn't express that to my family without them thinking I was insane. There was a huge difference from the values my mom had taught me of be kind to everyone etc to what the kids practiced at school. Even if my mum dropped me at the school gates in the morning I would leave by breaktime to go home to go back to bed.

Even though I wasn't doing much, I was exhausted all the time and just wanted to sleep/be in my safe space which was my bedroom. The GP would only look at it as PMS, it was only after a few failed suicide attempts that I got referred to CAMHS and started CBT which I hated even more as I knew what I was feeling, I was just stuck in a rut of thinking I would never get out.

Most adults would say the same thing when I said I hated school "that's life, you've got to get on with it." Turning point was being assigned a disciplinary/guidance mentor in the form of the city's very gentle ex police chief who worked as a mentor after retirement bored him. He never once shouted at me or lost his patience with me if I didn't show up to school; if I didn't show up for a week because of my mental health, he wouldn't ask me where I'd been, he would just start with "this is what you missed, would you like me to arrange some after school support for you?" He knew forcing me to come in would make me feel a lot worse rather than waiting till I had built up the strength to face them. A lot of the time, I would skip the whole day of school and then come in for whatever subjects after school support because I didn't have to be around the same horrible kids who assumed things like my short hair meant I was a lesbian etc. He didn't say "get on with it", he instead said "is there anything else you can do at home?" and found ways to work around my depression. He would drop off my school assignments at the end of the day and I would have them emailed back to the different teachers by 9pm every night. If he caught me on a cigarette break, instead of getting me in trouble for smoking, he would just ask what class I had next and had I done my homework: he didn't focus on arbitrary discipline measures but instead on my education. In his words "we're not here to parent you, we're here to teach you". Things like school uniform didn't bother him, if I had forgot my tie, so what? I had showed up with homework completed. He helped me look at university brochures and told me I could go a year earlier as well which was the real changing point of "instead of 2 years with these people you hate, you could push forward and get it down in 1. You just need to start coming to school more" I even spoke to his wife who was an retired engineering professor from the local university who told me about how much more independent the studying was in higher education and how students had a lot more freedom in what they studied rather than just straight out of the class textbook; there was no stopping class all the time for disciplinary problems either as everybody wanted to be there and the lectures had zero tolerance for nonsense as the people who paid tuition didn't pay for it. He sat on his lunch break and helped me book the megabus tickets to go to university open days with my birthday money. He'd write me notes to go sit in the library and work on my coursework during gym as he knew the alternative was me just leaving for the day and not coming back. If he caught me leaving school grounds because I felt I couldn't cope he wouldn't berate me or try to make me stay, he would just text my mum "Sam's on her way home, she seems okay, just tired, I'm not worried." A 62 year old man who had spent his life working with criminals understood the boundaries and limitations of mental illness better than any of the young psychologists they sent to see me. I remember the day my mum found all the university guides in my room and her saying "it's a bit early to start looking" at which I point I told her that Mr Murdoch had already helped me fill in my UCAS application form and I had applied to the college as a back up. My mum invited him over for dinner to say thank you and she attended the open days with me happily. Think even now she is shocked that I went from the kid who was 3-4 hours late every day to attending the best business university in the UK, despite having to move 2-3 hours away from my safe space.
A lot of kids are like me where pushing just doesn't work: my mum tried to teach me to ride my bike till I was about 8 years old at which point she gave up: when I was 9, I taught myself without any push, motivation or supervision from anyone. School really isn't for everyone and that doesn't mean they are being bullied, it just means they don't suit the system. Most teachers are glad to have kids who actually want to do the work but can't rather than kids who can do the work but just decide not to, it doesn't bother them if your kids work from home and just come in for the tests. I was the youngest in my first year class at university at age 16 however I immediately adapted to the university learning style while most of my peers who had stayed for all 6 years of high school struggled to do things independently having relied on school homework planners and their mums reminding them to do things for so long. I never did Prom or the 6th year field trip, I never was prefect or house captain and honestly I'm glad. When I hear people talk about high school being the best years of their life, I struggle to understand because my life's only gotten better and better now I've left. Have faith in your kids and don't just assume they're being lazy. Mental illness is like having this block on your brain where you know how you should be behaving but there's a magnetic force saying "you can't".

Push through it. I have a much closer relationship with my mum now than when I was truanting. She always stuck up for me in front of others despite our fights behind close doors.

Mama - thanks so much

Dkb - thank you, it is so interesting to hear from a former truanter...

Our 16-year-old son began refusing to go to school in the first term of Year 10. Initially, it seemed to be severe anxiety, as reality dawned that he was getting closer to his GCSEs. He cried each day and couldn't get out of bed he was so exhausted. He looked awful. Before this, his teachers had told us he was academically very bright and that he would sail through GCSEs with top grades. He used to manage all his own homework without any intervention from us and basically just got on with it. The transformation from this to a boy who genuinely couldn't cope with school and didn't want to go out or be with people was fairly rapid. We had no idea how to handle it initially but throughout the last 20 months since he has been off school permanently, we have only slowly started even beginning to understand how to deal with him. He has just been diagnosed with borderline autism and we are so lucky that he has now gained a place in a special student referral unit for extra support (a half-hour car journey away). Along the way, we have discovered that he doesn't want to become an adult, hates the adult world and has suicidal ideation. Getting him to attend the new place each day involves an hour and a half of cajoling and encouragement, then getting him there and collecting him again an hour and half later as that's all he can manage. Often he just can't do it, but he is trying and has managed a few days there.

It is a sad and draining experience for any parent to go through, let alone for their child, and I have huge empathy for those who have posted here about their own experiences. It's completely understandable that parents who have no experience of these issues may attribute them to mere laziness on the child's part. We had zero understanding until it happened to us, but we certainly know now that the picture is so much more complex in many cases. Being on the receiving end of such simplistic and insensitive judgementalism doesn't help, and it's easy for parents in our situation to become isolated as a result of these kind of attitudes in the wider community.

Our son's school has been incredibly supportive, but this seems to vary considerably across different schools, while LEAs are obsessed with attendance and put pressure on parents and schools when a child struggles with this aspect. The added pressure is the last thing that anyone in this situation needs. There seems to be no formal recognised 'category' for children with these kind of problems unless they qualify for SEN funding which is usually only awarded to the most extreme cases and often linked more to those with a physical disability or children with severe learning disabilities that are more easily classifiable.

To try to understand our son's situation, I'm always looking out for sources of information. I hope that these website links may help others in a similar situation:

www.autism.org.uk/about/in-education/exclusion/school-refusal-strategies.aspx

www.schoolrefuser.org.uk/index.html

senmagazine.co.uk/articles/articles/senarticles/the-roots-of-school-refusal

www.schoolrefusal.co.uk/apps/links/

senmagazine.co.uk/articles/articles/senarticles/the-roots-of-school-refusal

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/health/children/11078624/My-daughter-refused-to-go-to-school-for-five-years.html

I've found that Google searches on 'school refusal and autism', etc, tend to bring up some reasonable information.

Good luck to everyone here who has shared their experiences and it's good to know that we're not alone. I'm trying to stay optimistic in the face of what seems like an impossible challenge, but I can't pretend it's easy. ;-) I can only hope that one day, children like ours will all get to where they need to be, but with the challenges they face, they need to be allowed to do it in their own time...

Dkb, thank you so much for posting about your experiences. It's really helpful to hear about things from your own perspective and I can apppreciate why you felt this way. I'm so glad that things are working out for you now and wish you all the best for the future.

Just wanted to pop back to update you.
DS 15 has had two CBT sessions... having not been to school since Xmas he completed a one to one tutoring last Friday after school. Today he's gone in for the afternoon.
With the plan initially to do a few afternoons this week and a few mornings next week. Phased return planned to get him ready for his GCSEs.
There is light at the end of the tunnel for us. It happened quite suddenly over night. I've no idea what goes on in that CBT session but I have a glimmer of my lovely boy back,
Just hoping for positive outcome.
He's at school now. I've cried. I feel like I've left my child for his first ever day at school!

Thanks for the update... X fingers he keeps it up.

Shitbag - that is a wonderful and positive update!

Things not great here. Ds has barely been into school for so long now.

However, he is being referred to CAMHS, which I hope will help.

We got a threatening letter from the LA, but our GP contacted them so they have withdrawn planned action.

The FB support page is really helpful.

Hi
I'm having the same with my year 9 son. He's too big; 5'10" to force to do anything. I also having problems giving him consequences e.g phone /xbox withdrawal as he becomes angry and potentially aggressive if I do so. I'm a single parent so, no big dad to back me up.
School don't seem to be very helpful other than trying to send him to a PRU, where he certainly won't go ...
He has no specific reason for not going ' I don't want to' is his stock answer.
I'm so frustrated and I'm going to be starting a new job in 2 weeks, where I will actually be office based, rather than home, where I am now.
Any suggestions?
thx

Hi Yorkshire - it's so difficult... no way can my 6 foot 1 15 yr old ds be physically pulled out of bed...

My only advice is what was given to me by another mum - remember that you can only do so much and try and look after your own health. Accept that you are not responsible for your son's actions...

Keep in touch with the school and, if he is ill, log each day he's ill with the GP.

It's so difficult if your child won't give a clear explanation of what the underlying problem is.

Some days, I fear utter despair and fear. However, I try and remember that it won't last forever... a teacher friend says she has seen so many cases of school refusal and that they all ended up ok.

Good luck and keep posting.

OMG I feel like I have found HOME.

My 13 yo has been refusing to go to school - now not even leaving the house. I am a single parent. The stress and worry is killing me! And then I know it is probably making him for anxious.

GP referred for an 'urgent' CAMHS referral last week. Still heard nothing. Can anyone tell me what to expect with CAMHS please? I very much doubt he will engage with them. He refuses to see anyone at all.

I am honestly breathing a sigh of relief that there are other people out there that understand this hell. to all of you.