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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

15 yr old and school refusal

85 replies

Melonsonic · 18/12/2017 16:54

I'm at my wits end.

Over the last couple of years, my ds has refused to go to school at least one day every fortnight.

Lately, it has got much worse and I am lucky if he attends school three days a week.

He is too big for me or dh to drag out of bed.

He has been asked many times if he is being bullied or if something else is worrying him, but we have drawn a blank.

He has been investigated in hospital for health problems and is now on medication for stomach migraine.

However, I strongly suspect that he just wants to sleep at home rather than go to school.

His attendance has dropped to 67% and he has his GCSEs next year.

I am terribly worried.

Does anyone have any experience or wisdom on this issue?

OP posts:

Report

leonardthelemming · 20/12/2017 12:05

Apparently some changes take place in the adolescent brain which adjusts their internal clock - and this can affect their sleep patterns. There has been some research on this - by Oxford university, I think - and there is at least one YouTube video which describes a school which runs classes from 1.30 pm until 7 pm in order to allow students to sleep in.

Melonsonic · 20/12/2017 16:22

Thanks Leonard - that sounds very accurate...

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PrinceMichaelOfMoldavia · 21/12/2017 20:27

We had this for the last 2 years with our eldest child now 16. Anxiety and depressed was diagnosed and also autism. Eventually the LEA paid for a tutor for a limited amount of subjects so they could take GCSEs. It is incredibly hard to cope with as a parent. Check his iron levels as it did improve things a bit when iron tablets were prescribed. The hardest thing was dealing with a very distressed child who just could not attend school and having the authorities threatening me with prosecution at the same time. There’s a good FB group for parents of school refusers, please message me if you want a link to it.

Melonsonic · 22/12/2017 11:35

Prince - that is so helpful, thank you. I will pm you re the FB group.

He's been off again yesterday and today

And we've had the prosecution threats too...

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lljkk · 22/12/2017 11:47

School refusal is a technical term. You only get to use that phrase (school refusal) if refusing to go is anxiety-related (sorry). Boys like ours are plain old truants, instead.

My DS truanted often, but not as bad as OP's. Laziness was part of it, for sure.

What are the entry requirements for music college? My first reaction is to focus on those and emphasise to him that he needs to aim above the minimum to be sure to get a place. Lay out the path he wants and what he needs to do to be on it. Also, any absence-related fines will come out of his money.

Totally agree that the truanting usually comes down to not liking the social life!

Melonsonic · 22/12/2017 15:26

Lljk

I strongly believe he just can't be bothered to go to school...

It's so difficult😕

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Melonsonic · 22/12/2017 15:27

Prince - I think I've found the FB page. Many thanks.

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TatterdemalionAspie · 22/12/2017 16:20

There's the online school Interhigh, but they have to be self-motivated to make a go of it, and it doesn't solve the issue of wanting to hide away and not engage with others if that's what's at the root of him not going to school.

Works very well for my DD, but she's got lots of school friends who she communicates with constantly online and also home ed friends who she sees regularly at social meets. It's great for kids whose anxiety or autism/asperger's makes mainstream school a sensory or anxiety overload.

Melonsonic · 22/12/2017 18:41

Thanks Tatter - I would consider home ed but, as you say, it can be challenging.

Also, both dh and I work full time.

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TatterdemalionAspie · 23/12/2017 10:55

He could do it while you're at work, Melon - the classes are interactive and in real time, and the teachers know if they're bunking off. It does require him to stay engaged and put the effort in in lessons and homework, though.

I think if you don't get to root of why he's not engaging with education, he's unlikely to step up and put the effort in with anything. There are alternatives to mainstream school, but he has to choose to engage. I doubt that it's just laziness - more likely that he's depressed, anxious or disillusioned.

Melonsonic · 23/12/2017 12:46

Tatter - that sounds rather a good idea... Thanks so much

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TatterdemalionAspie · 25/12/2017 16:57

Glad to answer any questions you have, Melon. Online schooling has advantages and disadvantages, just like any other option - it's just about weighing up what the right fit is for you and your child. No kid wants to fail, I don't think, so it's a question of finding what he wants and what he's prepared to do to get there. Good luck!

Shitbag1511 · 08/01/2018 23:49

I'd love any advice... my son has anxiety and is awaiting a camhs assessment... after an incident with a teacher he's struggling to go to school.
He's done one day out of four since Xmas.
Ewo have seen him today to get him to agree to going in late... he's now saying he doesn't want to but had agreed to go in a few days a week. Any support groups would be gratefully received... his mocks are next week!
He's talking so that's one thing

Melonsonic · 11/01/2018 03:52

Thanks Tatter

Shitbag - I'm sorry you and your ds are hon for through this too

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caringdad66 · 14/01/2018 13:53

My ,then,13 yr old son used to do exactly the same.
In year 8 his final attendance was 78%.
No reason was ever given for refusing school.
In year 9 his figures were 91%, and so far this year he's at 97%.

Point is, things do sometimes improve.
Just keep talking, listening and showing love and affection.

Good luck, and never give up or lose hope.

Picturebocks · 14/01/2018 22:47

Thanks Caring - your words are so reassuring.

Ds was only in school for one day last week and it is so worrying 😰

Shitbag1511 · 28/01/2018 19:59

Just having support on here means a lot... hoping everyone is getting through each day as we are... hour by hour xx

Iheartdogs · 29/01/2018 04:16

Shitbag - same here

RebootYourEngine · 29/01/2018 05:32

Adding my support too as i know how it feels. I think my ds has gotten into a rut and i am really struggling to break it.

Iheartdogs · 29/01/2018 11:56

Reboot - definitely a rut with ds.

He's off yet again today

Frequency · 29/01/2018 12:11

My DD is both a school refuser and a truant. It can be hard to deal with because I can't always figure out whether she cannot mentally cope with school that day and pushing in will trigger self harm or whether she just fancies a lie in and a day with me. I sent her in on Friday unsure if she was well enough and she self harmed in the toilets at lunch and then spent the afternoon crying on the EWO

One thing I have found that helps with the truancy and gets her to push herself a bit harder with the anxiety is planned days off as a reward for good attendance. E.g "If you go to school every day until X date, I will take you to this concert, we can stay overnight and you have the next day off school to go shopping with me."

I've gotten her attendance up from 57% to mid 70% since the start of this year with that method. Most of the days off she has now are when she genuinely cannot face school that day. Her day is spent crying in bed and taking her phone or turning the heating off would make her worse and lessen my chance of getting her back to school quickly.

Iheartdogs · 29/01/2018 13:02

Frequency that sounds so worrying for you

Branleuse · 29/01/2018 13:06

do you think he'd prefer online school

Iheartdogs · 29/01/2018 23:05

Bran - I've looked into online school and I don't think he would do it... plus, can't afford it

Shitbag1511 · 30/01/2018 08:37

We had to go in yesterday afternoon to take some mocks papers back and pick others up... even that was exhausting... had to drive round twice before I could get him in the building. Sending strength to everyone who needs it

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