"we won't take you to football unless you do work at school" "well I won't work at school unless you take me to football"

[lilibet]

We are basically at a stand off. Ds1 is 13 and where school is concerend he is a pain in the a**e.

He doesn't take books, do work, do homework. He has three detentions this week and is on school report.

He recetnly had a maths test, told us the day after with the comment "I've done no work to prove to you that I don't have to work. He got the highest mark in his set which to us just proves that he is in the wrong set. I'm fed up of talking to school, they don't seem to be able to make him work, we have seen educational psychologists, he has seen counsellours, but no one makes any difference, he simply will not work.

He has told us that he will get four days of excellent comments on his report from Tues to Fri if we let him play on Sunday (big match!!) but after that he will stop trying again.

I know that we can't stand down on this but also know that he can put the work in if he wants to, he jsut doesn't want to and will not unless we give in

Suggestions?

Please??

[Twiglett]

can you switch it round

if you work hard at school for x days you can have y

little bribery and corruption

[Iklboo]

More carrot than stick might work

[Lilymaid]

Is he Year 8 (the worst year of all). Things may improve when SATs and GCSEs loom - if by then he has some goal in life (apart from playing football).

[Twiglett]

Can he get a job so he feels a little more grown up

like a paper round

maybe a short sharp shock on 'you have to work to earn money .. if you don't work hard at school you might not enjoy your job' style

or enroll him in the army .. yes that's what this country needs .. compulsary national service .. and I remember when it was all green fields round here

[kimi]

oh god i have all this to come,

[Lilymaid]

Paper round suggestion is really quite good. DS2 started doing one when 13 and this coincided with him getting a better attitude at school. I read some (probably mad) theory that exercise before sitting down to work actually helped teenage boys. The problem with paper rounds though is that you have to wake up early to ensure they have woken up and you sometimes end up helping - especially Saturday/Sunday rounds where the papers are in 10 parts and weigh a ton.

[lilibet]

He would like a paer round but can't have one as every other weekend he is with his dad.

He is in year 9, GCSE's start in September

We don't feel that we can let him play this weekend because of the three detentions but he has said that if he can't play this weekdn then he won't work

[JanH]

Sorry you are still having tough times with DS1, lil I have no idea what you should do here but I know I wouldn't feel I could let him play either.

FWIW DS2's paper shop does weekday rounds as well as weekend rounds - he does Mon-Sat but some do Mon-Fri and some only do weekends. He's been doing his for about 12 months (he'll be 14 in April) and as Lilymaid said it has coincided with a better attitude at school. He gets himself up for it but DH often helps, on local-paper day and Sats when there are a lot more papers, and when the weather's foul.

[lilibet]

Hello Janh, bet you knew this would be me!

Have asked at our local shop and it's seven days or nothing.

[Beetrootccio]

Take up the challenge Lil - DON'T TAKE HIM

[JodieG1]

Is he bored there? He sounds very bright so maybe the lack of being stretched just frustrates him?

[BizzyDint]

he did no work at all and got top marks in his set... and why exactly are the school not moving him up a set so he has something to strive for? i guess you've been down that road already but what's the outcome been?

he's bored and frustrated so he plays up. why should he do any work if he doesn't need to to get the best marks?

[lilibet]

I'm not going to take him - it's Mothers day and I have now made arrangements with my Mum

But how do I get him to put some work in?

[Piffle]

At some point their work ethic has to be self motivated, he will get the consequences
if he used to achieving good grades, let him fail one or two
He will soon sort his self out

Totally with Beety on the footy, no way would I give in.
His laziness will only hurt him in the long run...
I have a 13 yr old coaster in yr 8
Luckily he responds to threats,... for now

[Kbear]

Quick hijack -

Hi lilibet, remember me from the Rosemary conley thread? You still going for it or have you fallen off the wagon? I'm going back tonight for first time since Oct, can't do it on my own, have fallen into bad habits and really miss the exercise. Put about 5lb on since I stopped so not major but it's a slippery slope and summer's coming!

Kbear

[lilibet]

Kbear!! mwah!! - I'm still there - lost a stone and a half last year, have now put the half back on but am back at Rosie with a vengence.

Not coming back?

[Beetrootccio]

i agree that perhaps he is bored adn needs to be oved up. Why work if you don't have to????

[jalopy]

Forgive me if I'm wrong, lilibet. I think your son's problems go beyond laziness and demotivation. He sounds very angry and resentful to me. Is he affected by his dad living away from you? Not being nosey, just trying to fathom why he would have such an extreme and stubborn attitude about his schooling. Is this his way of getting back at the two of you?

[lilibet]

Yes, Jalopy (great name) I do think that is part of the problem, hence the counsellors. I think he misses his dad and by that I mean he misses what he wants his dad to be. His dad won't see them other than on his set days, doesn't do anything with them. His dad even drops him off at our house on a Sunday for us to take him to football as he won't watch him play football.

I have lived apart from his dad for 5 years and been married to dh for 2. Dh is the one who takes him to football, plays on the playstation with him, helps him with his homework when he ever does any, They are sat on the couch at the moment watching football and get on together very well but I think he resents his Dad for not being what he wants him to be.

But he has also been lazy at school since reception!!

[brimfull]

I agree,he sounds like a bright boy that is bored.

[jalopy]

Lilibet, that must be so hard for you. I'm sure you must feel anger and resentment towards your ex too. Your partner sounds caring and supportive. I have a 13 yr old too and understand the powerful relationship between dad and son. Sadly, so often in life, kids are let down. You sound like you are doing a great job. Just wish I could think of something constructive to say to help you out.

[Loshad]

Lilibet, sadly no words of wisdom but loads of hugs as i have a horror of a 13yo Y8 boy atm. I haven't stopped him playing rugby fwiw as i think he needs the physical activity, and I know it is one thing he can feel good about, as he's quite a good player.
It's soo tricky isn't it - whoever thought sleepless nights stopped at toddlerdom

[fizzbuzz]

I teach this age group. and unfortunately a lot of boys are like this (I know this is no consolation). If he is bright he may need more stretching, and then he might behave more.

I often find boys like this improve when they get into GCSE year especially in Year 11. However that doesn't help you now. Have you asked him why he doesn't want to do anything?

What I am going to say is easy for me, but prob not for you! Try and take a long term view, he WILL come round eventually, even if he has to retake GCSE at 17 or 18. What does he want to do when he leaves?

I have ds in Yr 8. Am exhausted with constant nagging and pushing him to do anything. It is like pushing a sack of potatoes up a hill.Kno w exactly what you feel like

[Hermit]

FWIW I would take him to football anyway, on the grounds that the physical exercise will do him good. Also, the message that working at things you enjoy is important (football practice), and - most importantly - you need to try and maintian a good relationship, with the doors open for chatting in the hope that he might open up eventually about why he is like this at school. Your dh sounds great. As a secondary teacher, I would let him deal with the problems at school caused by not doing work etc and try not to spoil 'family' time. As others have said, he may 'grow out of it'.

[Hulababy]

Does he have any longer term plans for what he wants to do in the future? Leave school, A-Levels, Uni, what career? If there anything there he can have as a plan. Possibly even doing some simple work experience in these fields in the holidays might one way to motivate him.

Year 9 is notorious for being the most difficult year, and many children do go through this low motivation stage.

Hope it gets sorted.