"we won't take you to football unless you do work at school" "well I won't work at school unless you take me to football"

[lilibet]

We are basically at a stand off. Ds1 is 13 and where school is concerend he is a pain in the a**e.

He doesn't take books, do work, do homework. He has three detentions this week and is on school report.

He recetnly had a maths test, told us the day after with the comment "I've done no work to prove to you that I don't have to work. He got the highest mark in his set which to us just proves that he is in the wrong set. I'm fed up of talking to school, they don't seem to be able to make him work, we have seen educational psychologists, he has seen counsellours, but no one makes any difference, he simply will not work.

He has told us that he will get four days of excellent comments on his report from Tues to Fri if we let him play on Sunday (big match!!) but after that he will stop trying again.

I know that we can't stand down on this but also know that he can put the work in if he wants to, he jsut doesn't want to and will not unless we give in

Suggestions?

Please??

[fizzbuzz]

Year 9 are my favourite year!! I think Year 8 are the horrid ones now!

[kiskidee]

yr 9 is usually the worst for attitude. it will probably continue to worsen as the sats are over and the warm weather gets here.

i have no advice to give except that he should not get a reward for what he should do. that is go to school, write his homework in his planner, do it at home. sit down, shut up, do his work so that other kids and the teachers can do theirs.

so, no football match until he can keep up what i outlined above till at least the end of SATS.

if you don't put a stop to his blackmail, i am afraid you'll have a long row to hoe. (well past yr 9)

[kiskidee]

sorry, if i sound like a stroppy teacher, that is because i am one.

still think rewards are for what we do above the expected.

[CAM]

This may not be a popular or welcome view but I would not make any connection between his schoolwork and his off-duty stuff eg. football.
At this age your ds has realised he cannot be amde to do anything he doesn't want to and is flexing that power, trying it out. I remember thinking exactly the same thing when I was 13. If my parents had stopped me doing stuff I liked (eg. it was swimming for me)I would have simply felt sorry for myself and decide they hated me.
13 year olds don't work on logic.

I think you will have to let him "fail" if he doesn't do the work required. He will have to learn to take responsibility for the consequences of his own behaviour. I know it will be hard to hard to stand back and stop cajoling etc but I believe its the only way for your sanity.

[Hulababy]

Y9 was my class from hell year group, and they contributed a great deal to me finally leaving my teaching post!

Even at the really good school I worked at, where behaviour issues were really minimal, Y9 were the groups that caused teachers most agro. All the hormones, etc.

[Boobsgonesouth]

he sounds like a good negotiator and bright boy...maybe he's not being stimulated enough at school ???

What about a totally different stance and acting as if you really don't care...about the football or about school...Tell him that it's his decision on what he does at school but if his choice is to not put in any effort then you can't put in the effort to take him to football - he'll have to make his own arrangments...see what happens then.......

[glyn]

I have every sympathy with you- been there, done it and got the t shirt. My son is now in his 3rd year at uni, but we had plenty of long,hard years.

I used to teach secondary age group and still work part time with kids with dyslexia and ADHD.

I know this advice is hard to take- and I would have found it hard- but I think you have to stand back. Nagging and punishments DON'T work. If your son is good at football (he's playing, not watching??) then praise that and build his self esteem. Give HIM the responsibility for his work. Kids of his age rebel- and you are getting drawn into the game.
If you stand back, then he has to face the flack at school, not at home- let school deal with it.

Eventually, the penny will drop and he might work- if not, then he will have to learn the hard way- maybe college of further ed, retaking his GCSEs, instead of 6th form etc etc.

Meanwhile, you must get his Dad to help you- boys of this age tend to listen more to their dads, so don't feel you have to do it all alone. Maybe his Dad can have a gentle word with him about his school work, instead of it always being you?

Surpirse him- say "Ok, if you want towaste your time at school that's up to you- but you will suffer the consequnces" and leave it at that. When it's not a battle with you, he might start to work.

Good luck.

[fizzbuzz]

I think glyn has posted excellent advice. All stuff about dealing with teenagers say nagging and confrontation don't work, but talking does. Have you tried taking him somewhere just you and him, and let the conversation just flow in whatever direction, and you may find he opens up.

I do this with my ds (13) Long walk to Starbuks and back, but he always opens up and tells me loads!

Good luck

[slowreader]

We have had exactly the same with our Yr9 D-but-trying-S the breakthrough came about a term ago when he realised that there would be competition to get into his preferred option classes, ie those who put the most work in would stand the highest chance of getting their 1st choices. Saying "oh well never mind you will just have to do tripe Re and media studies, there are loads of good jobs in the supermarket warehouse" and similar heartless remarks has concentrated his mind to a remarkable extent. In our house removing football etc just leads to mucky looks and the music turned up louder.
But... where is my darling little blonde haired boy and who is this growly lanky weird smelling apparation-upstairs, found myself weeping over photos last week.

[fizzbuzz]

Oh God yes, miss my little sunny smiley giggly boy so much. It is so hard when they grow up.

When ds argues about homework I tell him to practice saying "Do you want fries with that?"

He doesn't want a mcjob, so it sometimes works

[CAM]

lol

[lilibet]

His Dad will ahve nothing to do with this Glyn, he refuses to have anythign to do with school at all, he won't even let them do homework at his house.

The man in a HR anager who has worked incredibly hard at home to get himself a PHd. But he is a wanker and a tosspot where his sons are concerned.

Dh has a good thing to do when talking to him, they sit side by side rather than face to face, it does help children open up more as they don't have to look at you when they are talking and also stops any of the 'facing down ' if one is taller than the other.

He wouldn't even get me a card for Mothers day