"we won't take you to football unless you do work at school" "well I won't work at school unless you take me to football"

[lilibet]

We are basically at a stand off. Ds1 is 13 and where school is concerend he is a pain in the a**e.

He doesn't take books, do work, do homework. He has three detentions this week and is on school report.

He recetnly had a maths test, told us the day after with the comment "I've done no work to prove to you that I don't have to work. He got the highest mark in his set which to us just proves that he is in the wrong set. I'm fed up of talking to school, they don't seem to be able to make him work, we have seen educational psychologists, he has seen counsellours, but no one makes any difference, he simply will not work.

He has told us that he will get four days of excellent comments on his report from Tues to Fri if we let him play on Sunday (big match!!) but after that he will stop trying again.

I know that we can't stand down on this but also know that he can put the work in if he wants to, he jsut doesn't want to and will not unless we give in

Suggestions?

Please??

[lilibet]

His Dad will ahve nothing to do with this Glyn, he refuses to have anythign to do with school at all, he won't even let them do homework at his house.

The man in a HR anager who has worked incredibly hard at home to get himself a PHd. But he is a wanker and a tosspot where his sons are concerned.

Dh has a good thing to do when talking to him, they sit side by side rather than face to face, it does help children open up more as they don't have to look at you when they are talking and also stops any of the 'facing down ' if one is taller than the other.

He wouldn't even get me a card for Mothers day

[CAM]

lol

[fizzbuzz]

Oh God yes, miss my little sunny smiley giggly boy so much. It is so hard when they grow up.

When ds argues about homework I tell him to practice saying "Do you want fries with that?"

He doesn't want a mcjob, so it sometimes works

[slowreader]

We have had exactly the same with our Yr9 D-but-trying-S the breakthrough came about a term ago when he realised that there would be competition to get into his preferred option classes, ie those who put the most work in would stand the highest chance of getting their 1st choices. Saying "oh well never mind you will just have to do tripe Re and media studies, there are loads of good jobs in the supermarket warehouse" and similar heartless remarks has concentrated his mind to a remarkable extent. In our house removing football etc just leads to mucky looks and the music turned up louder.
But... where is my darling little blonde haired boy and who is this growly lanky weird smelling apparation-upstairs, found myself weeping over photos last week.

[fizzbuzz]

I think glyn has posted excellent advice. All stuff about dealing with teenagers say nagging and confrontation don't work, but talking does. Have you tried taking him somewhere just you and him, and let the conversation just flow in whatever direction, and you may find he opens up.

I do this with my ds (13) Long walk to Starbuks and back, but he always opens up and tells me loads!

Good luck

[glyn]

I have every sympathy with you- been there, done it and got the t shirt. My son is now in his 3rd year at uni, but we had plenty of long,hard years.

I used to teach secondary age group and still work part time with kids with dyslexia and ADHD.

I know this advice is hard to take- and I would have found it hard- but I think you have to stand back. Nagging and punishments DON'T work. If your son is good at football (he's playing, not watching??) then praise that and build his self esteem. Give HIM the responsibility for his work. Kids of his age rebel- and you are getting drawn into the game.
If you stand back, then he has to face the flack at school, not at home- let school deal with it.

Eventually, the penny will drop and he might work- if not, then he will have to learn the hard way- maybe college of further ed, retaking his GCSEs, instead of 6th form etc etc.

Meanwhile, you must get his Dad to help you- boys of this age tend to listen more to their dads, so don't feel you have to do it all alone. Maybe his Dad can have a gentle word with him about his school work, instead of it always being you?

Surpirse him- say "Ok, if you want towaste your time at school that's up to you- but you will suffer the consequnces" and leave it at that. When it's not a battle with you, he might start to work.

Good luck.

[Boobsgonesouth]

he sounds like a good negotiator and bright boy...maybe he's not being stimulated enough at school ???

What about a totally different stance and acting as if you really don't care...about the football or about school...Tell him that it's his decision on what he does at school but if his choice is to not put in any effort then you can't put in the effort to take him to football - he'll have to make his own arrangments...see what happens then.......

[Hulababy]

Y9 was my class from hell year group, and they contributed a great deal to me finally leaving my teaching post!

Even at the really good school I worked at, where behaviour issues were really minimal, Y9 were the groups that caused teachers most agro. All the hormones, etc.

[CAM]

This may not be a popular or welcome view but I would not make any connection between his schoolwork and his off-duty stuff eg. football.
At this age your ds has realised he cannot be amde to do anything he doesn't want to and is flexing that power, trying it out. I remember thinking exactly the same thing when I was 13. If my parents had stopped me doing stuff I liked (eg. it was swimming for me)I would have simply felt sorry for myself and decide they hated me.
13 year olds don't work on logic.

I think you will have to let him "fail" if he doesn't do the work required. He will have to learn to take responsibility for the consequences of his own behaviour. I know it will be hard to hard to stand back and stop cajoling etc but I believe its the only way for your sanity.

[kiskidee]

sorry, if i sound like a stroppy teacher, that is because i am one.

still think rewards are for what we do above the expected.

[kiskidee]

yr 9 is usually the worst for attitude. it will probably continue to worsen as the sats are over and the warm weather gets here.

i have no advice to give except that he should not get a reward for what he should do. that is go to school, write his homework in his planner, do it at home. sit down, shut up, do his work so that other kids and the teachers can do theirs.

so, no football match until he can keep up what i outlined above till at least the end of SATS.

if you don't put a stop to his blackmail, i am afraid you'll have a long row to hoe. (well past yr 9)

[fizzbuzz]

Year 9 are my favourite year!! I think Year 8 are the horrid ones now!

[Hulababy]

Does he have any longer term plans for what he wants to do in the future? Leave school, A-Levels, Uni, what career? If there anything there he can have as a plan. Possibly even doing some simple work experience in these fields in the holidays might one way to motivate him.

Year 9 is notorious for being the most difficult year, and many children do go through this low motivation stage.

Hope it gets sorted.

[Hermit]

FWIW I would take him to football anyway, on the grounds that the physical exercise will do him good. Also, the message that working at things you enjoy is important (football practice), and - most importantly - you need to try and maintian a good relationship, with the doors open for chatting in the hope that he might open up eventually about why he is like this at school. Your dh sounds great. As a secondary teacher, I would let him deal with the problems at school caused by not doing work etc and try not to spoil 'family' time. As others have said, he may 'grow out of it'.

[fizzbuzz]

I teach this age group. and unfortunately a lot of boys are like this (I know this is no consolation). If he is bright he may need more stretching, and then he might behave more.

I often find boys like this improve when they get into GCSE year especially in Year 11. However that doesn't help you now. Have you asked him why he doesn't want to do anything?

What I am going to say is easy for me, but prob not for you! Try and take a long term view, he WILL come round eventually, even if he has to retake GCSE at 17 or 18. What does he want to do when he leaves?

I have ds in Yr 8. Am exhausted with constant nagging and pushing him to do anything. It is like pushing a sack of potatoes up a hill.Kno w exactly what you feel like

[Loshad]

Lilibet, sadly no words of wisdom but loads of hugs as i have a horror of a 13yo Y8 boy atm. I haven't stopped him playing rugby fwiw as i think he needs the physical activity, and I know it is one thing he can feel good about, as he's quite a good player.
It's soo tricky isn't it - whoever thought sleepless nights stopped at toddlerdom

[jalopy]

Lilibet, that must be so hard for you. I'm sure you must feel anger and resentment towards your ex too. Your partner sounds caring and supportive. I have a 13 yr old too and understand the powerful relationship between dad and son. Sadly, so often in life, kids are let down. You sound like you are doing a great job. Just wish I could think of something constructive to say to help you out.

[brimfull]

I agree,he sounds like a bright boy that is bored.

[lilibet]

Yes, Jalopy (great name) I do think that is part of the problem, hence the counsellors. I think he misses his dad and by that I mean he misses what he wants his dad to be. His dad won't see them other than on his set days, doesn't do anything with them. His dad even drops him off at our house on a Sunday for us to take him to football as he won't watch him play football.

I have lived apart from his dad for 5 years and been married to dh for 2. Dh is the one who takes him to football, plays on the playstation with him, helps him with his homework when he ever does any, They are sat on the couch at the moment watching football and get on together very well but I think he resents his Dad for not being what he wants him to be.

But he has also been lazy at school since reception!!

[jalopy]

Forgive me if I'm wrong, lilibet. I think your son's problems go beyond laziness and demotivation. He sounds very angry and resentful to me. Is he affected by his dad living away from you? Not being nosey, just trying to fathom why he would have such an extreme and stubborn attitude about his schooling. Is this his way of getting back at the two of you?

[Beetrootccio]

i agree that perhaps he is bored adn needs to be oved up. Why work if you don't have to????

[lilibet]

Kbear!! mwah!! - I'm still there - lost a stone and a half last year, have now put the half back on but am back at Rosie with a vengence.

Not coming back?

[Kbear]

Quick hijack -

Hi lilibet, remember me from the Rosemary conley thread? You still going for it or have you fallen off the wagon? I'm going back tonight for first time since Oct, can't do it on my own, have fallen into bad habits and really miss the exercise. Put about 5lb on since I stopped so not major but it's a slippery slope and summer's coming!

Kbear

[Piffle]

At some point their work ethic has to be self motivated, he will get the consequences
if he used to achieving good grades, let him fail one or two
He will soon sort his self out

Totally with Beety on the footy, no way would I give in.
His laziness will only hurt him in the long run...
I have a 13 yr old coaster in yr 8
Luckily he responds to threats,... for now

[lilibet]

I'm not going to take him - it's Mothers day and I have now made arrangements with my Mum

But how do I get him to put some work in?