DD Suspended from Uni

[Velvetlady]

My 17 year old DD has been asked to leave her halls of residence and has been suspended from her course. Last week, she had friends round for a drink and things got out of hand. Neighbours complained to the Police about noise and a window was broken! One of DD's friends invited boys round once DD had gone to bed & one of them stole food belonging to her flatmates! My DD apologized to all involved and replaced the food and paid for the window to be fixed. However, the other day DD got called out of class to speak to the head of her course and the Accommodation Officer. They had a letter from DD's flatmate reporting her for drinking alcohol under age. DD was asked to leave the halls by 5pm and has been suspended from classes until a disciplinary hearing. DD wasn't able to pack her in time and had about half her belongings thrown out by the security guard. I'm so angry at DD! However, I do feel she has been treated harshly for one episode of bad behaviour. Has anyone else had a child go through a disciplinary at uni?

I had a couple of angry teachers at uni who wouldn't let latecomers in/ threw people out if their phones rang. It wouldn't be part of the disciplinary process but if she's crossed the same lecturer a few times, and that lecturer is then part of the disciplinary process, they probably won't have a great impression if she has a reputation for being a bit disruptive. But it shouldn't make a difference to the outcome, they should be looking at the facts of the incident alone.

That does sound odd - disciplined for being late to a lecture, then not being allowed to go for a month.

I would be go and visit her, especially as her friend is onside and obviously wants to help. You need to have a good look at the paperwork, the rules and enlist the help of the student union. Unis get to work with their rules all the time, but it is a minefield for parents and students.

DD has a meeting with the Students Union next week regarding her disciplinary meeting and has a counseling session at student services on the same day.

Having worked as a lecturer and clinical educator at a university, I can promise you that they bend over backwards to KEEP their students. As other posters have said, there is something your daughter is too embarrassed (or ashamed) to tell you.

Why should other students have to put up with your bratty daughter making a noise, breaking windows and stealing their things? If I was in a houseshare and lived with someone like that, I'd hope the landlord would kick them out. Why should students have to put up with it just because they are students?? Antisocial behaviour has a consequence, and hopefully she has learned this. Why on earth should the other students have to put up with her?? If you pat her on the back and say "there there", she'll continue to be a brat and will get kicked out of other places too. Actions = consequences.

what a bitch flatmate..and shitty accommodation staff.

Why do you say that, scaryclown? What do you know that OP hasn't posted? I think you'd soon change your view if your daughter were the complaining flatmate. You/we know next to nothing and you're name-calling.

Mmm! I agree with Maude, 2kids whilst annoying neither of those 2 instances would include a disciplinary, just a bit of a bollocking!

As I said earlier, if she is not letting you in, all you can do is be there for her. Uni won't give you much information, they can't break her right to confidentiality, and if she won't then you will just have to take a very small step back, give her a little elbow room, and hope she chooses to open up.

Sounds as though all the support teams have swung into action, though. That should help her work through it, especially if the friend is sensible.

what a bitch flatmate..and shitty accommodation staff.

How about you stop name calling....

Your DD really needs to tell you the truth OP [you know that, of course]. If she was getting 'slagged off' [and no reason to doubt this] then I would be a bit worried. Is/was she being bullied? Has she been set up? It's a bit worrying if she won't talk to you.

Somebody - several people aren't telling the truth here, and at 17, does she have the emotional / psychological reserves to deal with this?

Being late, phone ringing etc - absolutely normal and no way would this be grounds for anything other than maybe a jokey / laughing comment in the lecture.

Maybe ask her if she would like to defer a year, without blame or judgement. She may welcome the opportunity to get away from what clearly is not a great environment.

Oh and btw OP, kudos to you for not responding to the abuse from some posters.... have some for what must be a worrying time for you.

I would be willing to bet that those name calling and saying that its normal are the ones that did this sort of stuff and where the ones that moaned when those trying to study complained.

OhNoNotMyBaby

What abuse? the flatmate is getting more abuse than the OP

Students break the law all the time - not paying for a TV licence, drug taking etc but they turn a blind eye then, don't they?

They certainly don't turn a blind eye at all. All was in the handbook and rules when my DD1 started uni back in 2013. Since then she has also had part time jobs working on the security team around the Union at her uni and saw all sides to it. They are super strict, decline entry to people who are already far to drunk and abusive, or suspected of drug taking. They have to close up the night clubs there if there is any health and safety issue, and on top of that they have to deal with drunken twattery, take loads of abuse and call ambulances and police as and when necessary.

OP, it must be very worrying to you, and quite a shock. However, I also think that there could well be more to it than you have been told. You need to get to the bottom of it somehow, though I guess that your DD will either clam up or for now keep repeating the same story.

If your DD wants you to be there in support at her disciplinary hearing then that might be your tool to ensure that you have everything there is to hand. I would say that I would be willing to be there for her, but would point out that EVERYTHING will be discussed there and will come out, so she should be under no illusions that only her story will be told. I would say that I can only offer meaningful support if I am fully in the picture, I would need to see all emails and paperwork so that I could understand everything, better support her and not be in line for any more unpleasant surprises.

I think that her personal tutor will want her permission to speak to you even though your DD is still technically a minor at 17. The great majority of uni students are over 18 and unis have to abide by confidentiality and Data Protection rules.

Good luck, and stay strong.

Sorry, I forgot to say, Velvet, this must be horribly worrying for you. I do hope you get to the bottom of it and that you all find the best solution for your daughter. I think I agree, taking a gap year now and starting afresh somewhere else next September might be your daughter's best option.

For now, Velvet, I'd just be there if your DD wants to talk. It does sound like she's not ready to talk to you yet, but maybe she'll open up more once she's calmed down. I know someone who got suspended from uni and even just as other student friends, it took a few weeks before she could truthfully talk about what happened - before that, she cycled through not wanting to talk about it at all, and giving a somewhat edited version (although I don't think she was ever outright lying, there were just parts she hadn't connected yet, or hadn't yet accepted).

The only good thing about a disciplinary in a month is that she'll get some time to cool off. It's quite a chunk of time to miss from uni, though, so it might be worth her trying to keep semi up to date if she does intend to stay if they let her.

It sounds like she's too immature to be away at uni, tbh.

This happened to a friend of 1 of my Dds at uni also 17 having parties drinking police called a few times but there was more she hadn't told her parents just make sure she has good representation at her disciplinary and maybe move her to halls or she could leave and go back to uni next year.

I'm a lecturer and have a cut off point for lateness. But it is more than a few minutes (10) and students are informed of this at the start of term. I don't personally throw out a student whose phone goes off but I know others that do. I certainly wouldn't laugh it off, particularly at the start of a course. There is no disciplinary for either of those though. Depending on the course, uni can be quite strict. It may depend on what kind of students are on the program. There are particular rules for internationals etc and given fees are so high, we are quite rightly under pressure to make sure students don't disrupt the class for others.
That said, suspending a student is unusual. I would echo others that there is more going on here. If she won't talk to you that makes it tricky but it could be worth talking to the welfare officer at the students union. If there is bullying or anything else like drugs or plagiarism they may be of help. She may have made some serious mistakes but she is entitled to a degree of support. Is her personal tutor involved?

I agree i think she is a bit immature to be away.

It does sound like the relationship within the flat has broken down. Disciplinary for not attending (ie being late) or breaking rules (phone on) during a class may well depend on the course. DD's course had a few compulsory sessions which could be missed only with a doctor's note.

I hope your DD is able to sort this out Velvetlady.

How is she getting all the blame though if others share the flat with her?

She arrived late for a lecture with her friend and wasn't allowed in and got asked to leave a class as her phone went off. Both things happend with the same lecturer.

This is pretty odd, phones in lectures go off all the time and students turn up late and there's never been any sort of reaction like this. It sounds like she's making it up relating to what would happen at a school.

She seems far too immature to be at uni, and yes she's under 18 so why should her ex-flatmate take her to the pub to drink?!

By the sound of it the party was the girls I dont think by reading that flat mate was involved it all got way out of hand the Dd went to bed drunk and chaos happened. Maybe this wasnt the first OTT party that the flatmate had to cope with.

This is pretty odd, phones in lectures go off all the time and students turn up late and there's never been any sort of reaction like this.

Lots of lecturers effectively "lock the doors" on anyone arriving more than five minutes late - it disturbs the flow of their lecture and is distracting for the other students - what by the time the latecomer has looked for their pals found a seat, sat on it, got their pencils out etc. It's really discourteous not to be on time for lectures. Many of them are very tightly timed (I know mine were, as there was so much to get into the course) and even a few minutescan cock up the timing.