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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Would you leave your 16 1/2yo teen home alone for a week?

99 replies

bigTillyMint · 10/02/2016 12:36

I know there is another thread about this but, with 3 days notice and a skiing holiday that she has loved for the past 11 years, mine is saying she is not coming, and is saying we are being unreasonable for not wanting her to stay home alone for a week.

DD is 16 1/2 and in Y12 doing AS levels.

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ThroughThickAndThin01 · 10/02/2016 15:16

No I wouldn't.

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Cnmorgan13 · 10/02/2016 15:18

My parents went to Australia for a month when I was 17. I was/am very mature for my age and my boyfriend now husband stayed with me so I wasn't alone. I got on fine, really loved the independence and standing on my own 2 feet in terms of running a household, we also had 2 big dogs that needed fed and walked. I had finished 6th year at school and had a job at that age so I wasn't in the house all day either. The most rebellious thing I done in that month was get my ears pierced a second time

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Frazzled2207 · 10/02/2016 15:20

I wouldn't leave her, but given that my 2yo won't get in the car when told I'm not sure how you persuade a 16yo to do something they don't want to. With more planning maybe but 3 days' notice is not on.
Is staying at bf's house an option?

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GerrysSuccessor · 10/02/2016 15:32

How much does she care about getting in trouble with you? I ask because I was always left at home when I was that age, sometimes for two weeks at a time. I never wanted to get in trouble, so although I had friends over/got pissed/smoked in the house/etc etc, I was actually always really careful with who I invited, how much time I left myself to clean up, when I imposed the 'no smoking from now on' rule. I know my parents always appreciated the fact that I left the house as clean or cleaner than they left it in my attempt to not get in trouble. They were of the opinion that if I didn't trash the house they didn't mind what I did.

This was 15 years ago, so before parties going viral on Facebook. And I lived in a place that wasn't hugely accessible, although lots of my friends had cars, you couldn't get there easily by public transport.

So if I had a daughter who was like me, in similar circumstances, I probably would. Only you know your child though. I would be worried that the sudden change of mind might have come about because of pressure to provide a 'free house' over half term. I would also probably insist that as she had previously agreed to come on holiday, she should do it. It's not about the money, it's about committing to something and seeing it through.

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bigTillyMint · 10/02/2016 15:37

I don't think she has a party planned. Yet.

She is sending screaming texts to DH atm. So much for showing us she is mature enough to be left! I haven't engaged with her at all, but will have to face her when I get home.

9 no, 8 yes, 2 maybe - pretty bloody even!

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FoxFeatures · 10/02/2016 15:46

If she can't negotiate in a mature way then I don't think she is mature enough to be left.

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sweetheart · 10/02/2016 15:51

It would depend onthe circumstances for me. Has she been left over night before - or for a long weekend? If she's never been left before for a shorter period of time I'd be reluctant to make the first time away a whole week regardless of maturity. What if something went wrong or broke? Would she know what to do - who to ring etc? I'd certainly be giving someone local and trusted a key and asking them to pop in unannounced every now and again.

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StickLadyLou · 10/02/2016 15:57

My parents left me at the same age...my best friend popped her cherry in their bed
We had our boyfriends round every night but no parties. Fairly standard antics at 16.
Have to say I would not leave mine now just because I think the family time is important and I kind of regret not going on that holiday as we didn't have many family holidays abroad.

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NewLife4Me · 10/02/2016 15:58

I wouldn't and didn't.
There were too many stories doing the rounds of others that had been left , it's a recipe for disaster.
Sometimes it's not your child/ young person that can't be trusted it's the others.
Ime it is quite often the boy friend or best friend and others from school or college that manage to wreck your house.
I've seen it happen so many times, this would be my main concern tbh.

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MuddhaOfSuburbia · 10/02/2016 16:05

I might do it by arrangement, trying a weekend first- but 3 days notice? For a week?

no chance!

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MuddhaOfSuburbia · 10/02/2016 16:08

...this is so tough, though

we got back from our holiday in the Vendee last summer-same place we've been for years. It rained all the time and we had no wifi, but I lost count of the time we were all weeping laughing

at Dover on the way back, 18yo ds said 'well, that's the last time I'll be coming on THAT'

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bigTillyMint · 10/02/2016 16:11

Yes she's never been left before which is another reason. And yes, I am worried that things could easily get out of hand due to others if not her. Her best mates are lovely and bf seems quite sensible (comes round a lot but I don't really know him that well) but you never know.

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Maddaddam · 10/02/2016 16:12

No.
I wouldn't say no categorically to my nearly 16 year old. Who is pretty sensible mostly, and not given to wild behaviour herself (though some of her friends are wilder).

I would try a weekend first. Negotiated carefully.

And I'd be less keen if you don't have neighbours/friends/relatives close by to keep an eye on things.
We do have lots of very, um, neighbourly neighbours who see every last detail of our lives and don't themselves go out much. And while it's all sometimes a bit too interactive, this is quite helpful for leaving the dc alone.

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bigTillyMint · 10/02/2016 16:15

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magimedi · 10/02/2016 16:16

The more I think about it, the more the three day notice makes me suspicious. I reckon there is some sort of plot afoot.

But I was the teenager from hell & very devious

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MuddhaOfSuburbia · 10/02/2016 16:25

how can you get a stubborn teenager into a car with a 12 hour journey head against their will?

we have idly considered doing what they did to Amy Winehouse to get her to Serbia gig

ie picking ds off the sofa drunk, sticking him in the back of the car, he wakes up and VOILA-he's on family holibobs!

(he's made it clear the only family holiday he will consider now is centerfuckingparcs. Thanks, ds)

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Curiousflannel · 10/02/2016 16:27

Mine can't even leave the house without locking up properly or losing her keys somewhere. She'd probably lose her keys and lock herself out. Or burn the house down. Too scatterbrained.

Sorry that's not helping is it?

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MuddhaOfSuburbia · 10/02/2016 16:27

yes, too young

can you cajole/beg/wheedle

say is Last One EVER and next time you'll let her stay home alone with your fingers crossed

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leonardthelemming · 10/02/2016 16:39

I do realise that the days of family holidays are numbered - not so bothered about that, it's more that this is too much too soon. But maybe we will have to swallow it - how can you get a stubborn teenager into a car with a 12 hour journey head against their will?

I suppose this is the essence of what I've been trying to say. Realistically, you can't force her to go. I suppose you could have that same problem with a really recalcitrant 14 or 15-year-old but once they get to 16 they can leave home so she could just walk off.

If you're really worried about the house then a better solution might be for her to go on a different holiday with BF/BFF/both (and BFF's boyfriend too) - I think that's fairly common - but with only three days to sort it I can't really see it happening.

I liked the PP about the house being tidier when parents get back. Can you fool her into thinking that's the only way you'll agree to it, and if she isn't prepared to do that she'll have to find somewhere else to stay? And perhaps make it clear that the short notice is rather unreasonable.

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bibbitybobbityyhat · 10/02/2016 16:43

I know its a serious and stressful matter for you BTM, but you've got to laugh at what teenagers think is reasonable!! They really are like toddlers .

I think she has shown quite remarkable immaturity in thinking she was going to get away with this plan.

The shops are full of spring flowers right now, why not treat yourself to a bunch as something nice for you before having to have the showdown this evening?

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bigTillyMint · 10/02/2016 16:44

To be fair she has been an ingenious for a couple of weeks - was trying to get us to take bf initially, but it's a 4bed place and the owner is meeting us to let us in, etc so even if we agreed I'm sure they wouldn't allow it. But now she is saying it's because of needing to revise/catch up on sleep

I am dreading going home!

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bigTillyMint · 10/02/2016 16:47

Bibbity, you have hit the nail re the immaturity! I am actually currently having a pedi (booked a while ago) which is exactly the treat I need!

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bibbitybobbityyhat · 10/02/2016 16:47

I've got a local friend who allowed her 17 year old to have a small party for about 20 at home. She (the Mum) was there and hidden upstairs.

She says it was the worst night of her life! About 50 turned up and her house was trashed and she was there!

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bigTillyMint · 10/02/2016 16:52

Well exactly. I know DD won't starve or anything, it is mainly worry about the house really. If my old neighbours hadn't moved and we're still next door I might even feel a bit better about it

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ProfGrammaticus · 10/02/2016 17:01

I have a DS in lower sixth. He went away with friends for a few nights last summer (it was fine). I would be dubious about this, because of her attitude. DS did everything he could to allay my fears and be allowed to go. She needs to be explaining to you how she will cook/shop/clean for a week, IMO.

I insisted that DS communicate morning and evening, and ring a couple of times (possibly every evening, can't remember.). Could you insist she Skype/FaceTime you regularly, and get someone (anyone!) to drop in once or twice, if you do let this happen?