Boxer shorts Part 2- our transgender teen

[DorynownotFloundering]

Thought I'd start the New Year (belatedly) with a new thread as I've changed my name a bit- for those who don't know Dory, she is one of my favourite characters in our all time favourite family film- Finding Nemo. Her motto is "just keep swimming" which seems apt for me.

Anyway to recap for anyone who want so know, I make no apologies about doing this as a sort of diary, & as ever MN-ers have been very kind & supportive.

Back in early 2014 my then daughter came out as trans and is now my son. Then 16 yrs old.

He was near suicidal back then but is now doing really well, after a rocky road, on testosterone therapy, voice has broken and is starting to shave-so weird having only had daughters!- and so much happier.
Who knew that a little bit of bum fluff on a face could cause such a grin?!!

I have struggled with each new change but a little less each time, I no longer cry every day/week ,maybe not once month which is amazing.

Seeing my child so happy and content (most of the time) has helped me more than I would have thought. He is obviously having hormonal days as any teen would & there have been "words" when he oversteps the mark but nothing we can't handle together thankfully.

He did really badly at his AS' last summer, partly due to the emotional strain of transitioning but also an estrangement from his dad who was struggling to accept it all and nearly fell apart.

But he picked himself up & we both went in to see his careers advisor at college (I wanted to know the options & the financial implications as well as to support him) who was brilliant and got him on an Access course which has suited him down to the ground. He is doing so much better academically and this has helped his self esteem and confidence and got him back on track to hopefully go to Uni in the autumn. He has sent off the dreaded UCAS form and is waiting to hear what offers he might get.

At his last appointment at his gender clinic he was signed off for reconstructive chest surgery & hopes to get that out of the way sometime during the summer break so he is healed and recovered before going off to Uni. Depends on the waiting lists.

[KillashandraRee]

Dory! Thanks for PM have just caught up.

I have to admit I'm pretty shocked at the posts on here. I've (wrongly) always felt we were having quite a private chat with a group of supportive people. It's easy to forget anyone can post.

To those criticising I would suggest if you don't agree just hide the thread and move on. This has always been a thread about supporting a mother going through a very difficult time NOT about transgender politics.

Dory, shingles is bloody horrible, I hope you're feeling better. So nice to hear DD and DS are doing well. It has been a hell of a couple of years for you... will swing by more often to check for updates. Killa xxx

[DorynownotFloundering]

Thanks Italian!

[therealposieparker]

Apparently if we think that a double mastectomy is a disgusting harmful thing to do to someone with healthy breasts then we are breaking talk guidelines.

I'm off to celebrate FGM and people beating their kids.

[Italiangreyhound]

Finished it. Sending hugs.

[DorynownotFloundering]

Oh please don't worry if you don't read it at all- it was just to give some context & history to our story if you wanted! .
Thanks for the good wishes, feeling rather rough so taking it easy. DD is popping round later to offer TLC!

[Italiangreyhound]

@DorynownotFloundering it's going to take me a long time to work through that thread as I need to do some work tomorrow. I am assuming you don't want it posted on any more as you have this thread now.

I just wanted to let you know as my silence is not that I'm not reading, just that I'm making slow progress as things are busy.

I do hope your shingles will calm down and go away.

Thinking of you.

[Italiangreyhound]

Thank you.

[DorynownotFloundering]

Italiangreyhound found my original post if you have nothing better to read one night.
//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/2085182-Went-shopping-yesterday-we-got-the-mens-shirts-trousers-but-I-cried-when-we-got-to-the-boxer-shorts

[Italiangreyhound]

@DorynownotFloundering oh you poor soul, I had shingles a few years ago it was utterly debilitating. Get well soon and speak when you feel ready.

[DorynownotFloundering]

Italian Yes I do realise you are coming from a more reasonable angle & happy to discuss it. Give me a few days & I'll get back to you, feeling rather wooly headed at the moment as have got shingles!

[DorynownotFloundering]

TheReal I don't care if you don't believe the "dead child nonsense", it was a very real scenario for me.

No mother ever pushes their child to be trans, we would LOVE for them to change their minds, or maybe "just" be gay. It takes months, years before surgery is even discussed. My child was 16 when she came out to me, old enough to go and persue the trestment she felt she needed alone, which terrified me. The whole thing terrified me. But underneath it all she was a very unhappy child and needed me to offer loving support to find out why that was, or I would lose my child she was so unhappy and she was not a hysterical child.

I went through all the early steps with her exploring the options with the support & guidance of professionals hoping against hope she would change her mind.
She had a very detailed psychological asessment by CAMHS and by two other psychologists before any treatment commenced ( & not before she was 18.

Contrary to popular belief amongst readers of the Daily Fail, it is not a fast track to over- medication and mutilation, it is very very hard to get treatment and quite rightly, the process ( in the UK) is quite rigourously regulated.

Thank you for the link to that article very interesting- you clearly didn't read the bit where her mum said....
", I just wanted to do the right thing as a parent, and letting you do things to yourself that you could never change even if you felt differently down the road was not the right thing for me to do. But your happiness was the only thing behind my decisions. If you ended up being genuinely transgender and that was the only way you could be happy then I would’ve been able to live with that."


My son is now happy and healthy and living life to the full at University so despite your vitriol I can live with the choices he made ..HE made, not me, but he made them with my love and support as it was my only choice. Would I rather he hadn't made them, of course, but now seeing how happy he is it was the right one for HIM.
You are entitled to your opinions but you are not entitled to hurl abuse and liken me to an abuser. I will not be discussing this with you further.

[Italiangreyhound]

I've only seen this thread not a previous one.

[Italiangreyhound]

@DorynownotFloundering yes I would very much like to discuss things here or elsewhere. I certainly do not want to judge you I am sure it has been a terribly difficult journey.

Please do not confuse my arrival on the thread with another poster's arrival. I am interested in your perspective for my own experiences (on my wider family/friends) and not in trying to give you my perspective on your experiences. I am sorry if it came across in that way at all.

[therealposieparker]

4thwavenow.com/2018/01/18/i-hated-her-guts-at-the-time-a-trans-desister-and-her-mom-tell-their-story/amp/?__twitter_impression=true

[therealposieparker]

I don't believe the "Dead child", nonsense. Plenty of teens have suicidal thoughts we don't fix it with drastic surgery. Your child wouldn't have felt like this 20 years ago.... . This is a public forum, expect to get people calling out mutilation and abuse if they see it. An eighteen year old having a double mastectomy of healthy breasts is disgusting.

I didn't give birth to kids with a "gender" I gave birth to human babies of a particular sex.

So no applause for abuse from me. Sorry #notsorry

[DorynownotFloundering]

Well thanks for that totally uncalled for and unwelcomed judgmental outpouring on a thread that was actually the culmination of a long and painful process for me and my family about which you clearly have No Fucking Idea.

Have you read the whole thread and the one before which essentially was an online diary to help me get my thoughts & feelings in some sort of order ? MN ers were my safe support at a very dark time & I was just posting an update.

So before you judge me and my child read my story & answer me this ...would you rather have a dead child or one who was alive, happy and healthy albeit not the gender you gave birth to?

Italiangreyhound if you want a civilised discussion about the subject ( within in the confimes of my limited knowledge) then I am happy to do so & agree to disagree if we can't find common ground, but I will not engage in a slanging match with TERFs.

[therealposieparker]

I'm not "outraged"! I think no more of this than if a parent went out and bought heroin for their addicted child. It's the same sort of harm.

[Italiangreyhound]

@therealposieparker the OP has another daughter with mental health issues. That is who I was referring to.

Your post is hugely judgemental of a parent who has tried to support her, now adult child.

Like many I am very much opposed to this route for young women but it is sometimes the case that people make choices we as parents do not wish to see, and if they are legal choices there may be nothing parents can do. I do understand your outrage but I think it is really ill placed on this thread,.

[Italiangreyhound]

@DorynownotFloundering I just wanted to say you sound like an amazing mum.

We have someone in our wider family, and family friends whose daughters are presenting as gender fluid.

I think different people react in different ways, and just don't know initially how to deal with this, what to say when asked things like "Can you call me 'he'?" "Can I get a binder?" "Can I change my name?"

I've read loads of things from a feminist perspective and I really do believe girls can be anything, they don't need to be boys to dress or act a certain way.

However, not sure how to face questions from young people on some of these issues. I am trying to sit on the fence because I am not really at one extreme or the other, and am aware how very sensitive this topic is.

Talking to young people today they are quite wrapped up in 'gender identity' and every other kind of identity, sexual identity. Many are gay or bisexual and it feels like these topics are being discussed much younger than they ever were for my generation (I'm in my 50s.)

It's so hard to know what to say to questions like the ones above.

Please don't feel you need to say anything here, but if you are able to give your perspective from the past, or link to your previous thread, please do.

Bless you and I hope things are well for both your children. My dd has mental health issues so you totally have my empathy on that.

You are a great mum.

[Timetogetup0630]

Nice to hear from you Dory thanks for sharing and updating and pleased that all seems to be going well.

[DorynownotFloundering]

Thanks Leeds, we have some amazing families & kids. It's just such a shame they can't get more help at the beginning, with family counselling, but like everything else in the NHS, over stretched budgets sadly.