At what age would you deem it suitable/reasonable?

[ReluctantStepMum]

My DSD lives with us and turns 18 next month. She has a Saturday job, and also worked a lot of days during the summer hols. My DH gives her an allowance for clothing, not a set amount each month, but only yesterday she asked if she could give him her "expenses" and to be honest, I do not know how much she receives or expects each month. I asked DH why he was doing this, and he said that he will provide her with essential clothing such as underwear, or yesterday, as it turned out, jumpers. She said that on the same receipt, there was a dress, but this was a "treat" she would pay for, but insisted that jumpers and leggings are essential items.

At that age I advised him, I would save for items with my earnings, or ask for them as birthday or Xmas presents (topical at present!).

Any advice appreciated as she has lived with us for less than a year so I am a relatively new SM who feels she has no control over the situation!

[flow4]

Dogs are good for that. No teenage tantrums or any other nonsense from a pooch! Enjoy a bit of time out. :)

[SweetSeraphim]

Sorry you're going through this

Are you leaving them permanently? Did your dh back you up?

[PlentyOfPubeGardens]

I think family therapy would be a very good idea. Is this something you'd consider, reluctant?

[ReluctantStepMum]

No, leaving tHem means just that. My husband is horrid to me. I told him where to go. I think divorce looms cos I can't stand his attitude anymore

[birdybear]

Don't make any decisions while you are upset. It is the worse time to make them. Calm down yourself, let everyone else calm down, and try and go to sleep and not think about it any more tonight. You Will feel more rational in the morning.

It isn't acceptable to be sworn at and your husband should be explaining that to the child and asking for an apology. What was the row about?

[longingforsomesleep]

It sounds like each and every one of you in your house is in an intolerable situation - you for reasons you've outlined; the kids because however much they may hide it they no doubt feel unloved and unwanted; dh because he's being torn between his kids and you. Few people behave well under such stress. I live in a reasonably happy home with nothing really to grumble about. Doesn't stop me blowing my top now and again and saying things I immediately regret. I had to go and look after my mum the other day and could be seen walking down the street outside her house bawling into my mobile phone at ds (19 years old) because I was really angry with him about something. 5 minutes later I was back on the phone to him apologising because I realised I had completely over reacted. I was worried and stressed over my mum so I behaved badly.

You are all under much much more stress than I was so no wonder you are all taking it out so much on each other.

It does sound to me like you really do need an outsider to mediate. I wonder if it would it be worth going to see your GP to ask for help? I know they never have much time but on the few occasions when I've really needed it they've come up trumps, on one occasion arranging some fairly speedy counselling when I was feeling desperate over something.

I really do wish you well x

[Italiangreyhound]

RSM So sorry yesterday was so bad. Hope today was better. It sounds like you and your DH had a very special relationshin but now stress and family life have gotten in the way. I would really seek professional help as a couple. He needs to back you up and your step children need to know the boundaries, which it will be easier for him to enforce.

Try and put your efforts into building the relationship with Dh and not cooking nice meals if they are not appreciated (I hate cooking personally!).

God bless you, you need a break but maybe not a break up! But only you know what you really need.

Why not start a new thread sometime in step parenting (and send me the link so I can look in now and again) I think step parents would be totally more understanding than some of us. But whatever happens i do really wish you well. Those kids will grow up and things will change, they will always be his kids, yes, but they will not always live with you. You had a good relationship (you said) with them at one time and maybe that can be again but maybe whole family counselling might help for the sake of just saying 'look kids, we all need to live together, we can't all get on all the time but let's be cival to each other, friendly if we can be and work together for the good of this family. Please try not to expect too much, gratitude etc will come later (hopefully). I was the most blindlng selfish 20 something and even in my early 30s quite spoilt until I got married and realised how hard it was to cook and wash etc for a family! You don't deserve all this sh~t but they have all had a pretty crap time of it so are all lashing out (maybe?)

Whatever happens, try and see the bigger picture and all the best.

[ReluctantStepMum]

italiangreyhound I think our relationship is beyond saving now. He is sleeping on an inflatable mattress in the only spare room we now have, which is our study. Yesterday was awful, he won't talk to me, apart from saying that all I have is anger, and that it is my problem. I feel like a stranger an outsider in my own home and do not know where to turn. This may sound really petty but he unfriended and unmarried me on Facebook, saying he is in a complicated relationship! We are married 5 years in January but together 9.5 years. We had a fantastic relationship and I do love him to bits, but now feel like I have been used and dumped like a spare part, at the expense of his ex wife who didn't provide any happiness. 2 weeks until Xmas and I have cancelled it from my perspective. Counselling was due to start tomorrow, so we had looked at getting help, however I don't think that will be going ahead now. This whole year has made me so unhappy. I feel like he has taken advantage of me, and the support I have offered, and he definitely doesn't get how much stress this SC situation has caused me. I don't know where to go.

[birdybear]

don't cancel the counselling...you need it more than ever!

[ReluctantStepMum]

birdybear he did, gut feeling (always works). I told him to rearrange it but it took a lot of pressure, via text, I will add!

[birdybear]

Glad he did. Sometimes it is better to communicate by text or email, it saves it ending up in shouting, so i have found.

Do go . You both have things to say and to listen to.

[VanitasVanitatum]

I'm so sorry it's got to this point RSM, it must be so hard to see this happen to your relationship. Maybe some time apart will be a good thing. Your relationship was solid before it came under this strain, and it could be good again, with some time and distance.

Be kind to yourself, you really have tried.

[Italiangreyhound]

RSM I can't say what you should do but I think if I were in your shoes I would sit down with him quietly in a place away from the kids and talk about your relationship, and how you once felt for each other, and see if you can start councelling as soon as possible and make a plan for a way you can both 'enjoy' Christmas at home. To make it easier for yourselves and if you can afford it I would seriously look into the simplest nicest meal you can afford in a local pub or restaurant or hotel if this would cut stress for you in cooking on the day, or buy in the simplest, nicest family friendly meal you can all enjoy. Maybe make time on the day and around the day for you to walk the dogs together and for the children to see friends etc around that time so you will have time aloe together.

This is not necessarily what you should do, but if you love him, and you think he loves you, aside from all the other crap, I would make this effort for him and for your marriage and I would seriously seek counselling for the anger, frustration and concerns that are making your life so hard.

Bless you.