At what age would you deem it suitable/reasonable?

[ReluctantStepMum]

My DSD lives with us and turns 18 next month. She has a Saturday job, and also worked a lot of days during the summer hols. My DH gives her an allowance for clothing, not a set amount each month, but only yesterday she asked if she could give him her "expenses" and to be honest, I do not know how much she receives or expects each month. I asked DH why he was doing this, and he said that he will provide her with essential clothing such as underwear, or yesterday, as it turned out, jumpers. She said that on the same receipt, there was a dress, but this was a "treat" she would pay for, but insisted that jumpers and leggings are essential items.

At that age I advised him, I would save for items with my earnings, or ask for them as birthday or Xmas presents (topical at present!).

Any advice appreciated as she has lived with us for less than a year so I am a relatively new SM who feels she has no control over the situation!

[LineRunner]

Teenagers cost money. They just do.

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

Op cant muck in with her sdcs to do dishes or watch a movie with them. She locks herself away in her office to avoid being around them. If i remember correctly she was considering leaving the home as she just couldnt be around them.

[birdybear]

I really admire you for taking them in ...and recognise what a terrible strain your marriage must be under. Mine would be the same.

I would suggest you sit down with your dh and agree a monthly amount for an allowance. You need to work out if it includes toiletries and make up and travel and phone etc. I think if she has a job, see how much she earns and work out how much on top of that she would need. I think a teen does not NEED new clothes every month, that is a want and can be saved for by her and presents at christmas and birthdays.

Sit down and discuss it with her. Show her how much money per month YOU personally spend on clothes so she can see what a normal amount is. If she uses your shampoo etc, then let her...if she wants her own special one, she buys it out of her allowance. This is what my parents did with me at this age and it worked. You need to agree the amount with your dh FIRST, then tell her what you think. Perhaps start lower than you can afford and want to give so she thinks she has gained a little when she negotiates (which she will!).

Good luck!

[secretsantasquirrels]

Well I have a DS at 6th form (so a dependant child) but none of the history or resentment that you have, so for what it's worth I do this.
I pay for college transport. I pay to insure him on my car. He takes packed lunches. I give him £75 a month for clothing, phone and entertainment. He works a few hours and earns about £80 a month.
He spends very little.
I worked out the amount by itemising what I thought was a reasonable annual spend on clothes and haircuts and divided by 12. Plus £30.

[ReluctantStepMum]

AMuminScotland, you have the most sound advice yet, and very understanding of my situation. Yes you hit the nail on the head with loads of financial grinding.

Yes sillybilly, mother does have mental health issues, but when my now husband tried to get custody of the kids in 2006, CAFCASS said they were better off with her. Hah big mistake! I do not lock myself in my office to escape, infact as a freelancer, I have had very little work recently, which brings the household income down considerably. And no, they don't do dishes, we have one of things called dishwashers, which they forget if it says clean, we have a dirty/clean sign. I would not want to sit down to a DVD, we did this when they were 8 or 10. Now all they want is social media and Xbox, they are boring!

Other posters, I will comment later but fed up of defending myself. I am 50 soon so not young like some of you may be, and had no kids of my own.....

[ReluctantStepMum]

Bird year, good advice too, thank you xx

[ReluctantStepMum]

Sorry birdybear, iPad typo!!

[JeanSeberg]

My children have a step mum, threads like this make me feel sad. You knew when you married him there was a possibility you would all end up living together. Financial responsibility doesn't miraculously end on their 18th birthday, especially if they go to uni.

[ReluctantStepMum]

Jean, we tried to have them living with us in 2006 if you read my post. No, 5 years ago when we got married there was no inkling they would live with us their mother just flipped. If somebody had told me this 9 years ago, I Would have told him to go to hell. Fact is now, we have no reserve funds to fund SD thro Uni and have told her so.

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

You have posted previously that you hide in your office to avoid them. I'm not making that up.

You dont have to have funds to fund her through uni- many teens dont have parents who can fund them (mine wont unless things drastically change) but until she gets there (sept next year?) i think its her parents (mum and dad) responsibility to clothe her. If you are all struggling financially then sit down with dh and work through the income and outgoings and see where savings can be made. If her allowance needs to be reduced along with other things then thats what has to happen.

[JeanSeberg]

Yes I did read that. Anybody whose partner has children knows there is the possibility of them living with them full time - situations change, people die, get ill etc.

[PlentyOfPubeGardens]

Just read your previous threads, Reluctant. Wow, poor kids.

Keeping it practical, I can't imagine she's earning enough from a saturday job to cover all her expenses.

I have two DC, 18 and 21 and we find the old commie ideal of 'from each ... to each ...' works very well for the whole household.

Currently this means DD (at uni, has a student loan) pays a token amount towards housekeeping, DS (p/t course, not eligible for anything except CB) is given a weekly allowance to cover all his expenses (travel, lunches, clothes, phone, haircuts and a small social budget ... probably a few things I've missed). He's looking for p/t work and if when he gets something, we'll re-calculate.

So, work out with her what her expenses are and top up her wages accordingly. Of course this should be done proportionately, depending on total family income, so don't let her take the piss (doesn't sound like she is), but otoh, don't leave her scrimping and saving if you and your DH have lots of treats yourselves.

I would say leggings and jumpers are fairly basic items and should be provided for, unless they are swanky expensive labels. DS's allowance includes I think £10/month towards clothes, he sometimes spends it all in one month on primarni undies, sometimes saves it up towards a stupid hat or giant clown shoes trainers. He usually gets some nice clothes for xmas and birthdays as well.

[PlentyOfPubeGardens]

I would not want to sit down to a DVD, we did this when they were 8 or 10. Now all they want is social media and Xbox, they are boring!

Have you ever considered for a moment that your DSC are actual people? Why would you not want to watch a DVD with them now they're of an age to share a decent film with you?

I wouldn't mind betting they're not boring at all, they just don't want to do stuff with you, and I can kind of understand why. Teenagers are a pain in the arse but they are also brilliant! You are missing so much.

[PlentyOfPubeGardens]

Do they have anyone in their lives who actually loves them?

[AMumInScotland]

Until DS moved out, we regularly all sat and watched a dvd together in an evening. He is old enough now to watch good films with, whereas the things he wanted to watch when he was 8 or 10 were often pretty awful.

You do seem to have written off any posibility of developing a decent grown-up relationship with them, which is sad for all of you.

You are the grown up here, you do need to make the effort to get to know them as people

[Jackthebodiless]

At 17 and in full-time education she's still a child and he's her parent, whether you like it or not. She sounds reasonable, responsible and hard-working, tbh. She still needs her parent to look after her, and that means clothing her, within reason.

[strugglinginsilence]

Poor, poor children. This girl sounds amazing by most teenager standards, aware of what is a treat and what is standard. Whatever you feel his priority must be to his children over you. If you object to that why don't you get an additional job. Your DH has far more of a responsibility to his DC than to you. If your lack of income causes problems try to increase it.

[IsabellaRockerfeller]

It is not your SDs' fault that their mother has MH issues, their father had to pay maintenance and CAFCASS made a poor decision.

So stop blaming them. And stop looking for issues with which to try and validate your bitter feelings towards them.

It sounds like the girls have been through a tough time and need support.

[magily4]

I have found this a difficult post to read through. I appreciate ReluctantStepMum that you just wanted advice with regards to your SD expenses, as a reader I could not help but be disappointed in your username. I hope you can understand that having such a username creates a bad vibe even if your question is reasonable.
It comes across as very immature, it is very difficult parenting teens but no matter what our teens need to know they are unconditionally loved, something that is not evident in your post at all.
She does sound very reasonable, maybe between your DH, SD and yourself you could come up with a set amount each month as opposed to no set amount.

[ReluctantStepMum]

I have just cone to the end of my tether with disney dad and about to fall off a cliff. I can not stand this anymore. Thanks for your f'ing comments so called wonderful mums.

[ReluctantStepMum]

F'ing arseholes, you do not know how this situation is killing me. Merry Xmas .

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

Its not our f'ing faults that you wont make a decision to either leave the situation or embrace it and change it.

I get that venting your anger here at us is easier than making a real life decision but its not going to improve anything for you.

[magily4]

I think some of us understand maybe more than you realize. I for one read this forum as I too am stressed raising teenagers also am close to 50 yrs. Support and advice was offered , take it, look at your relationship with your SC as well as DH and things may improve.

[ReluctantStepMum]

I did love my H, still do actually,best thing in my life until his fucking children came to live with us. Now he prefers them over me. Never did when i first met him. Oh no, was glad to be rid of them, so what irony. He would prefer for our marriage to fail now. Considering his youngest will be gone in a couple of years I find that very short minded. We had a great relationship, the best ever, but now it's all gone.