At what age would you deem it suitable/reasonable?

[ReluctantStepMum]

My DSD lives with us and turns 18 next month. She has a Saturday job, and also worked a lot of days during the summer hols. My DH gives her an allowance for clothing, not a set amount each month, but only yesterday she asked if she could give him her "expenses" and to be honest, I do not know how much she receives or expects each month. I asked DH why he was doing this, and he said that he will provide her with essential clothing such as underwear, or yesterday, as it turned out, jumpers. She said that on the same receipt, there was a dress, but this was a "treat" she would pay for, but insisted that jumpers and leggings are essential items.

At that age I advised him, I would save for items with my earnings, or ask for them as birthday or Xmas presents (topical at present!).

Any advice appreciated as she has lived with us for less than a year so I am a relatively new SM who feels she has no control over the situation!

[Italiangreyhound]

RSM I can't say what you should do but I think if I were in your shoes I would sit down with him quietly in a place away from the kids and talk about your relationship, and how you once felt for each other, and see if you can start councelling as soon as possible and make a plan for a way you can both 'enjoy' Christmas at home. To make it easier for yourselves and if you can afford it I would seriously look into the simplest nicest meal you can afford in a local pub or restaurant or hotel if this would cut stress for you in cooking on the day, or buy in the simplest, nicest family friendly meal you can all enjoy. Maybe make time on the day and around the day for you to walk the dogs together and for the children to see friends etc around that time so you will have time aloe together.

This is not necessarily what you should do, but if you love him, and you think he loves you, aside from all the other crap, I would make this effort for him and for your marriage and I would seriously seek counselling for the anger, frustration and concerns that are making your life so hard.

Bless you.

[VanitasVanitatum]

I'm so sorry it's got to this point RSM, it must be so hard to see this happen to your relationship. Maybe some time apart will be a good thing. Your relationship was solid before it came under this strain, and it could be good again, with some time and distance.

Be kind to yourself, you really have tried.

[birdybear]

Glad he did. Sometimes it is better to communicate by text or email, it saves it ending up in shouting, so i have found.

Do go . You both have things to say and to listen to.

[ReluctantStepMum]

birdybear he did, gut feeling (always works). I told him to rearrange it but it took a lot of pressure, via text, I will add!

[birdybear]

don't cancel the counselling...you need it more than ever!

[ReluctantStepMum]

italiangreyhound I think our relationship is beyond saving now. He is sleeping on an inflatable mattress in the only spare room we now have, which is our study. Yesterday was awful, he won't talk to me, apart from saying that all I have is anger, and that it is my problem. I feel like a stranger an outsider in my own home and do not know where to turn. This may sound really petty but he unfriended and unmarried me on Facebook, saying he is in a complicated relationship! We are married 5 years in January but together 9.5 years. We had a fantastic relationship and I do love him to bits, but now feel like I have been used and dumped like a spare part, at the expense of his ex wife who didn't provide any happiness. 2 weeks until Xmas and I have cancelled it from my perspective. Counselling was due to start tomorrow, so we had looked at getting help, however I don't think that will be going ahead now. This whole year has made me so unhappy. I feel like he has taken advantage of me, and the support I have offered, and he definitely doesn't get how much stress this SC situation has caused me. I don't know where to go.

[Italiangreyhound]

RSM So sorry yesterday was so bad. Hope today was better. It sounds like you and your DH had a very special relationshin but now stress and family life have gotten in the way. I would really seek professional help as a couple. He needs to back you up and your step children need to know the boundaries, which it will be easier for him to enforce.

Try and put your efforts into building the relationship with Dh and not cooking nice meals if they are not appreciated (I hate cooking personally!).

God bless you, you need a break but maybe not a break up! But only you know what you really need.

Why not start a new thread sometime in step parenting (and send me the link so I can look in now and again) I think step parents would be totally more understanding than some of us. But whatever happens i do really wish you well. Those kids will grow up and things will change, they will always be his kids, yes, but they will not always live with you. You had a good relationship (you said) with them at one time and maybe that can be again but maybe whole family counselling might help for the sake of just saying 'look kids, we all need to live together, we can't all get on all the time but let's be cival to each other, friendly if we can be and work together for the good of this family. Please try not to expect too much, gratitude etc will come later (hopefully). I was the most blindlng selfish 20 something and even in my early 30s quite spoilt until I got married and realised how hard it was to cook and wash etc for a family! You don't deserve all this sh~t but they have all had a pretty crap time of it so are all lashing out (maybe?)

Whatever happens, try and see the bigger picture and all the best.

[longingforsomesleep]

It sounds like each and every one of you in your house is in an intolerable situation - you for reasons you've outlined; the kids because however much they may hide it they no doubt feel unloved and unwanted; dh because he's being torn between his kids and you. Few people behave well under such stress. I live in a reasonably happy home with nothing really to grumble about. Doesn't stop me blowing my top now and again and saying things I immediately regret. I had to go and look after my mum the other day and could be seen walking down the street outside her house bawling into my mobile phone at ds (19 years old) because I was really angry with him about something. 5 minutes later I was back on the phone to him apologising because I realised I had completely over reacted. I was worried and stressed over my mum so I behaved badly.

You are all under much much more stress than I was so no wonder you are all taking it out so much on each other.

It does sound to me like you really do need an outsider to mediate. I wonder if it would it be worth going to see your GP to ask for help? I know they never have much time but on the few occasions when I've really needed it they've come up trumps, on one occasion arranging some fairly speedy counselling when I was feeling desperate over something.

I really do wish you well x

[birdybear]

Don't make any decisions while you are upset. It is the worse time to make them. Calm down yourself, let everyone else calm down, and try and go to sleep and not think about it any more tonight. You Will feel more rational in the morning.

It isn't acceptable to be sworn at and your husband should be explaining that to the child and asking for an apology. What was the row about?

[ReluctantStepMum]

No, leaving tHem means just that. My husband is horrid to me. I told him where to go. I think divorce looms cos I can't stand his attitude anymore

[PlentyOfPubeGardens]

I think family therapy would be a very good idea. Is this something you'd consider, reluctant?

[SweetSeraphim]

Sorry you're going through this

Are you leaving them permanently? Did your dh back you up?

[flow4]

Dogs are good for that. No teenage tantrums or any other nonsense from a pooch! Enjoy a bit of time out. :)

[ReluctantStepMum]

Thank you everbody for the lovely posts, I really appreciate it. I gave just had the amazing showdown with DH and kids about my feelings having cooked them a nice meal, but not eating it myself. I have been told to f off by 17 year old, i am now leavinig all of them. Sorry about crap grammar, it's iPad for you. At least my dog loves me, sitting at end of bed.

[Palika]

it's making me sad to see that so many people here attacking someone who is so obviously distressed, even suicidal. Obviously, criticising OP for feeling distressed, hateful and angry will not make these feelings go away.

Reluctant - self-acceptance is always the first step to recovery. DO accept your feelings and THEN seek a solution.

Also, know that the solution is NEVER to continue the hate but somehow coming back to acceptance and love for the people around you.

In family therapy is rule and this rule states that children come first. Every parent feels that way, even if they are divorced etc. As a partner of someone who has children you will always come second.

This may be a bitter pill to swallow but it is nevertheless true. Once you can accept it you can either leave your partner or come to terms with your situation much better.

I think your problem comes from the fact that you want to come first in your DH life. But that is psychologically impossible. As humans we are not wired that way.

That does not mean that DH will not or cannot love you.

[birdybear]

OP, i hope you are feeling better now. I understand exactly how difficult it is as i was in tears over my step kids last night and they don't even live with us. If they did i fear i would be very much like you...finding it very difficult.

I suppose it is easy for me to say, think of the bigger picture and that this too will pass...but it will. They won't be there forever...and after they leave home you will have the life with your husband that you want. I cannot just switch on to loving mine either...that is what people expect but it doesn;t just happen.

Try and pick your battles and keep your emotions tucked away and detach as much as you can. Try and leave things for your dh to sort out as much as you can. Yes you will be the unpaid and unappreciated cook, cleaner and everything else, but it will not last forever. Very hard while it does, but it won't.

Do things to get you out the house, have something to concentrate on outside of family, and i hope you can settle down with your husband and at least have some peace in your house this christmas.

Unmumsnetty ((hug)) for you.

[SoupDragon]

just because they are 50% his kids

No, they are 100% his kids.

Regardless, at 18 and whilst in full time education I had all essentials paid for by my parents. The money from my Saturday job went on running my car and other non essential items. Basic clothing and all toiletries were paid for by my parents. That is what I would expect to do for my children.

[longingforsomesleep]

I can't believe how vile and abusive some posters are being here. The OP has my utmost admiration for trying so hard to deal with a really difficult situation for so many years.

I have 3 teenagers and I find them incredibly challenging at times but they can be forgiven anything (I think!) because I love them with all my heart. I can't imagine what it would be like to have to put up with 3 teens that aren't your own. I don't like one of my nephews very much - does that make me a bad person? No amount of haranguing by mumsnetters and being told I must be toxic would affect how I feel about him. I'd be appalled if he ever came to live with me! We can't help how we feel about people - all the more reason why I admire the OP for agreeing to give her step kids a home.

She came on here for advice because she's struggling with a situation which I for one would find overwhelmingly stressful and has met with a load of insults and a complete lack of understanding.

No advice about allowances I'm afraid OP - I've not managed to crack that one yet. Only one of mine has a job and will happily hand over housekeeping when asked, but I HATE asking and reminding.

[VanitasVanitatum]

It's not your fault that you don't love them like a parent, and it's not their fault. It's obviously a really hard situation. Of course you feel differently about the money situation as a step parent, because they are not your children.

You are obviously aware that this situation is not easy for them either, they have had troubles with their mum, and they must now be aware of how hard it is for you to have them in your home. That must be very hard to feel.

You sound like you have given a lot to this situation, and that you feel at the end of your tether. No matter how wrong anyone thinks you are for feeling that, it is how you feel. I think it is very hard for a parent to understand how it feels to be a step parent, and to have full time residence of teenagers, especially when they have not grown up with you, must be incredibly hard.

I think you have to find a way to detach, if that is at all possible. I don't mean distance yourself from them, but distance yourself from trying to worry about or change the situation. Your husband is a man with inescapable obligations, and your step children need a place they can call home and feel wanted in, as much as you do. They don't have the ability to set up on their own, they can't help being in your house, or being teenagers with the emotional and social issues that may bring. They are going to cost a lot of money, that is inevitable. There are student loans and bursaries for when the time comes, don't think about that now.

It sounds like you have really tried so hard. Don't let people's judgements get to you. Try and keep in mind that this will pass.

[Italiangreyhound]

RSM lots of good advice here. Hope things work out better.

[AngryBuddha]

Great post flow4.

[flow4]

Lovely post, Italiangreyhound. Thank you for raising the tone. :)

Reluctant, you have my sympathy. Living with teenagers can be very, very difficult. I know many parents - including myself - who have spent a couple of miserable years, avoiding someone they find they don't actually like, dealing with a mixture if difficult and painful emotions, and waiting for their teen to grow up and/or leave home. When it's your own child, you have a lifetime of love and habit that remains - even if only under the surface - and helps. I have no idea how I would have managed if my DS had instead been a DSS or DSD whom I didn't know very well...

I think it will help if you have counseling and separate out some of your very mixed and difficult feelings. Despite the attacks here, it is actually very important that you recognise, acknowledge and accept what you really feel, rather than what other people think you ought to feel. Most anger and depression is underpinned by trying to squash feelings and pretend everything is fine, when it isn't.

It may not feel like it now, but actually your painful honesty is healthy, and will help you resolve this. You do, however, need to be mindful of how/where you express your honest feelings, to protect yourself and others around you. You have already discovered that if you tell the wrong people, you will get attacked. You need to find a supportive, understanding ear. You will also be aware, I'm sure, that it wouldn't be fair to 'dump' your feelings on your step-kids - I guess that's part of why you're here... Counseling can help with that, too.

I survived a very difficult few years by working out some 'survival tactics' that might help you too...

• Look after yourself. Make time to do some lovely things for yourself, to make yourself laugh, relax, feel good. This helps in several ways: it stops resentment growing, it distracts, it recharges your batteries, it balances out some of the 'shit', and it reminds you (and those around you) that you deserve a bit of pleasure in your life. :)

• Detach. Treat those DSC like lodgers or colleagues. Maybe they annoy you, but you can handle it by creating some emotional distance. It's not personal. It takes practice, but you can learn to respond positively to the good stuff while basically brushing off the annoying stuff.

• Don't sweat the small stuff. Speaks for itself really. Often I think we distress ourselves - we feel more upset by our own anger and frustration and guilt etc., than we are about the original 'trigger' that set us off.

• Remember it's temporary. Your life has been temporarily turned upside down, but this too will pass. :)

Good luck :)

[NearTheWindmill]

OP from a practical point of view and as a parent of two teens. Our DS is nearly 19 now and on a gap year; our dd is 15.5.

DS has in 6th form - all fares and lunches paid, he also had an allowance of £80 per month for out of pocket and general expenses. In addition I continued to buy his clothes - probably a couple of pairs of jeans, few t shirts, jumpers a year with the occasional nice jacket or pair of trainers/shoes when required or as a birthday/Xmas present.

DD is doing her GCSEs this year and has all fares and lunches paid, has £25pcm for out of pockets per month (not really going out yet) and gets theatre, cinema, etc paid (I have just given her an extra £10 for lunch and stuff as she's gone Xmas shopping with her best friend). I buy her clothes when required - she's very unwanty but in the last month I have bought her a jumper (£46 it's gorgeous) and a pair of ankle boots (£89 - they are gorgeous).

Probably I spend about £500 each on clothes for the DC a year, including sports stuff and uniform but I've never costed it.

We consider school to be very important and would not, under any circumstances expect the DC to do/have done Saturday jobs. DS has done the odd bit of caddying in the holidays and also a bit of babysitting (he's been lucky because a chum has younger sibs) and dd now has an embryonic babysitting round.

The other thing about teens is that they seem to eat three times their bodyweight on a weekly basis and it is just a very expensive time.

I don't know your back story OP but I do know that it is hard enough sometimes to like one's own children even when there are no other problems. The missing ingredient I think is unconditional love; I have a step father - he's not unpleasant, but I don't have a bond with him and he doesn't with me. He never had children and I think it just means there is a chasm but it doesn't make him a bad person it just means there is a missing link in the context of mutual understanding and the unconditionality of being a natural parent.

[ReluctantStepMum]

For the record, we get noooo support from family, they just expected it to become a normal life for us. Also, he has said to me "sorry I had sex with another woman 3x" as he wishes he had never met or married ex wife. I am now having to pick up the pieces of a crap, one sided marriage, and I have now had 9 years of it which must show you that I have been committed to making this work. Not blowing my own trumpet btw, just in case I get blasted for being a shit person again....

[ReluctantStepMum]

Italian, yes very well put and thank you. My original post was about financing a teen, but I got ripped apart by a few people who probably have no idea what it is like to take on 2 late teens when you have no children of your own. I wanted practical advice, trying to resolve a matter with my husband. He is always on the defensive, and yes probably he feels guilty for the way they were treated for all of their lives, even when he lived with his ex first wife. I can't turn back time, he chose his path then, then we met, and had a lovely relationship. We had the kids part time, and I had a good rapport with them then. Now having them full time is extremely difficult and as they are that difficult age, I feel like I have family guests who have outstayed their welcome. I hate my space being compromised in this way and that feeling is not going away after nearly a year, actually nearly a year and a half, as we had to make the decision to house them, and make building conversions to accommodate them.

Angry, just because they are 50% his kids does not mean I can just switch on to loving them. There is no maternal bond obviously. We are starting couple counselling next week. I had individual counselling this year, but it didn't work out, as it was clear that my husband needed to be involved, as many of my issues are with his attitude to becoming a parent again, and how he deals with me.