University visits - helicopter parents?

[higgle]

DS 2 is off to uni this year, hopefully. We discussed as a family which universities he might like to apply to, weighed up the pros and cons of various accommodation with him but the choices have been entirely his. He went to Leeds last week, which is his first choice and where he has an offer we think he will be able to meet, for an open day. I simply bought him some rail tickets and left him to it. He returned home quite shocked that all the other applicants had had at least one parent with them. As a result of this there was not much opportunity to talk to the others who would be on the course, though the tutors spent more time discussing various things.

When I was off on this sort of visit nearly 40 years ago I wouldn't have dreamed of inviting my parents along ( although they wre footing 100% of my expenses). We will take him if and when he starts, and of course visit fairly regularly. Am I very odd to be the only parent who didn't go or send spouse?
Does the fact that all the others wanting to do this course seem to be girls explain this?

[Merrylegs]

DH is driving DS to an offer day at Exeter Uni next week. We live 8 hours away. It's a road trip for them. They like each other. They will have a good time. It's nice to be able to do something fairly companionable and civilized with your kids before they leave home for ever and become companionable and probably deeply uncivilized with a bunch of strangers.

[Howsaboutthat]

Agree with Dame if the universities don't want any parental involvement, they should not rely on parents having to pay for it.

[noddyholder]

I am amazed at all the leave home forever talk! Good luck with that it hasn't been my experience at all I think 25-28 is average age to leave home now

[Horsemad]

noddy - I've got my heart set on DS1's room for Meeeeee! Can't wait another 10 years!

[noddyholder]

I know Most of my mates have their kids back at home and all are 23 plus so I am going by that

[Eeeeeowwwfftz]

Who said Unis didn't want parents' involvement at open/UCAS days? Thought we'd established they'd put on special talks for them etc in response to demand. And that was pre-fees.

[badguider]

Depends where you live ime - if you live somewhere with no work prospects or social life for people in their 20s you will find they miraculously find a way to houseshare elsewhere whereas if you live somewhere cool and convenient then they 'can't possible afford to move out'

[noddyholder]

I agree badguider I think my ds mates who have dropped out did so because they have been living a very student type life here in Brighton and they were very disappointed with university. I feel sorry for them though as they have been there done it got the t shirt a bit.

[ivykaty44]

I shall let dd go of and have a look at where she wants to study etc, I will gladly listen to all she tells me on her return.

Plenty of my friends have dc who have looked for themselves and not taken parents

[Milliways]

Noddy - I was amazed that DD never cam home after Uni. She got engaged at Uni, they both got jobs to start immediately after graduation so they got married and they rent their own house now.
It will be odd when DS goes too!

[Maat]

Milliways will you be an empty nester when your DS goes?

I will.

It's going to feel very strange. I've only just got used to DS1 not being around but it will feel really different when there's just me and DH and we have to talk to each other

[mumeeee]

DH or I went with all 3 of our DDs ( not at the same time) to varios open days. Parents are now actually actually encouaged to come and thier is often a parents talk. When I went with to UWE open day there was an oppetunity for DD3 to talk to students who were doing the couse and the prospective students were encoraged to ask thier own questions as well as parents,

[chocoluvva]

Hah! I'll see your going to open days on your own and raise it to not attending open days at all as I lived in a remote area and couldn't afford it!.

I got the boat and train with my friends the day before the start of term and went home on the last day. My almost non-existent self-confidence was greatly helped by realising that I was much more independent than many of my peers (out of necessity).


Hope my DD wants me to go with her when her turn comes though.....

[ISingSoprano]

Well I went to applicant open days with ds so that clearly makes me a 'helicopter' parent.

Or does it....?

Maybe those parents who don't go to open days with their children just can't be bothered or aren't interested. After all, it's their life, their money, their problem isn't it?

[Horsemad]

I expect DS1 to work abroad but DS2 has already said he's going to the local uni. I'm not surprised really as he's a real homebird.

[Nishky]

Or maybe they work Ising - which is why my parents did not come with me.

[Awks]

When I was 12 my mum gave me an alarm clock and told me mornings were down to me from now on. Doesn't mean it was a fab idea

[Milliways]

Maat - yes, empty nester here and DH is already planning weekends away!

[iclaudius]

Isingsoprano not at all
I do believe a HUGE part of parenting a late teenager is to encourage independence - I don't think that the child rocking up back home at 23 is a good thing for anyone.
I may be old fashioned but I am a believer in children over 18 ish living away from their parents and independent of them and the whole university thing is a stepping stone
I want my kids to make that choice independent of me - as I and their daddy did- I will HELP but going along to an open day with them etc - cannot FAIL to sway them in my book

[YokoUhOh]

My parents (both teachers) left me to my own devices on the Open Day/interviews front (late '90s) as they were at work during term time. Slightly resent the insinuation above that they didn't care; quite the opposite. And I moved to London for a boy job the minute I finished at Oxford and met a different boy my husband on the first day at said new job, so never moved back home :)

I think the fees element has been a real game-changer in terms of parental involvement.

[ThedementedPenguin]

My mum came with me to two different university's, and my auntie came to another. I was going from Northern Ireland to England/Scotland. We booked flight first thing in morning and last thing at night and had a brilliant day shopping, checking out local area and around the university.

I'm 22 now, have a ds and my own house. So it's not always the case.

[YokoUhOh]

Oh and I do remember seeing one person at an open day with a parent; the parent asked a ridiculous stealth-boasty question on behalf of her son and the rest of us cracked up, she made her son look utterly foolish. I do understand that it's different these days and parents want to know what they're getting for all those thousands of pounds.

[Copthallresident]

iclaudiusThat is all very well but you are totally out of touch with the job market. All of my friends with older DCs who have finished uni have them back home because they haven't yet managed to embark on careers, they may have jobs but not that pay well enough to fund an independent home. They may be building up a CV with relevant work experience but that is likely to be low paid or unpaid. The only ones who are not at home have sought work overseas or are travelling. This includes Oxbridge graduates. I know one Oxford graduate with a CV full of work experience she managed to get on merit at Sky, loacal radio etc etc etc. Doubtless once upon a time they would have marched into the BBC with a sense of entitlement, they are three years on.....

DD is in third year at elite uni, she will go on to do a master and PhD en route to a research job but none of her friends who are in their final year have jobs lined up, and for some going to live at home means a rural village in the middle of nowhere. The same applies to her peers from her very selective indie, just one has an internship lined up, arranged by Daddy.

Building a career is something they have to work long and hard at.

[noddyholder]

Copthall you are describing what I have seen. Careers take years and sometimes working for free to establish Rent locally to me is about 450 a month plus bills.

[ggirl]

I feel very sorry for youngsters these days..we had it easy compared to them.