University visits - helicopter parents?

[higgle]

DS 2 is off to uni this year, hopefully. We discussed as a family which universities he might like to apply to, weighed up the pros and cons of various accommodation with him but the choices have been entirely his. He went to Leeds last week, which is his first choice and where he has an offer we think he will be able to meet, for an open day. I simply bought him some rail tickets and left him to it. He returned home quite shocked that all the other applicants had had at least one parent with them. As a result of this there was not much opportunity to talk to the others who would be on the course, though the tutors spent more time discussing various things.

When I was off on this sort of visit nearly 40 years ago I wouldn't have dreamed of inviting my parents along ( although they wre footing 100% of my expenses). We will take him if and when he starts, and of course visit fairly regularly. Am I very odd to be the only parent who didn't go or send spouse?
Does the fact that all the others wanting to do this course seem to be girls explain this?

[exoticfruits]

I was somewhat disapproving of parents attending, but once I realised it was the norm I just enjoyed the whole experience. Since DS was too far to visit, once he started it was my only real look.

[OneHandFlapping]

I went to all DS1's open days. He seemed to expect it, and I think he welcomed having someone else to discuss his choices with afterwards.

They were his choices though, and not mine,

[Bunbaker]

Perhaps parents are more interested in their children's education these days?

I would want to visit universities simply out of interest but leave all the talking to DD.

[Copthallresident]

I do remember that when DD was seeking advice from me when choosing between her offers I did feel ill equipped to comment on those I didn't visit with her and so could only offer outdated prejudices and experiences of unis via drinking in the bars post match .

[exoticfruits]

Perhaps parents are more interested in their children's education these days?

Not at all. It just wasn't the done thing. People would have died of embarrassment in my day. However there were no tuition fees, there were grants and there were plenty of jobs.

[exoticfruits]

Plus the fact that a tiny minority went.

[exoticfruits]

Sorry-not clear. Less than 10% went to university so there are far less parents involved.

[BoffinMum]

Copthall, I find I am happiest in elite/high end institutions as there the students are more clued up and keen to engage. I also don't mind working with students at the other end of the spectrum who are trying to become clued up, as they really engage as well. It's the ones who are utterly wrapped up in themselves and don't want to extend their worlds but feel they are entitled to a degree who have little sympathy from me (and the parents who made them that way).

Everyone should read 'My Freshman Year' if they want to know more about how things are changing in academe. It's a US book but there are similarities with the system over here as we move more towards that model.

[exoticfruits]

It is changing for the worse as parents try and extend childhood and exert control over their adult children. You hear all sorts of horror stories where parents try and treat it like a boarding school.
This is the very reason that you need to start giving responsibility and independence in a gradual, age appropriate way. If you have supervised homework, revision and all aspects of their life they are going to find it difficult to manage.
I don't think that some parents realise that the students are adults; you can phone the university but you can't get any information at all about the student without their express permission. You have no idea about grades, finances etc unless they care to tell you. I very much hope that this doesn't change, but I would imagine that universities are under constant pressure from parents-especially as they now hold the purse strings.

[Copthallresident]

exotic fruits You are quite right. I have heard horror stories from colleagues at university but they make full use of the fact students are legally adults and parents have no right to information about them without their permission, or any control over what happens at uni.

I don't think though that anyone should confuse parents accompanying DCs who want the benefit of their eyes and ears (though hopefully not mouths) on uni visits with that sort of control freakery.

[exoticfruits]

I think it is different-but they could make good use of the time on initial visits to point out there is no point in contacting they will not be giving feedback etc and they don't care what time they go to bed!

[Mabelface]

I went with my son and I'm most certainly not a "helicopter" parent. It was useful to find out about the finance side. He's now coming to the end of his second year and is living happily away from home, with no intention of moving back. He's a confident and mature young man. He was the one who chose the course and uni too.

[noddyholder]

My ds had an interview friday there were 5 of them and all parents were there. It wasn't helicopter at all. My ds and his mates all seem to expect it. I don't think university is now seen as the big 'leaving home' it used to be because of the fees and the job situation. All my mates with children who have finished their 3 years are back living at home.It does seem to be a 3 yr break

[YellowandGreenandRedandBlue]

I was dispatched to my open days alone, would have loved a parent to go with me, it felt like a big choice and I had no one to talk it through with.

So I opted to give my kids the choice of whether they went with us or went alone.

Do not assume only the parents want to be there, some kids like having parental input.

[noddyholder]

Yes I went alone too it was horrible actually

[DameSaggarmakersbottomknocker]

As a parent to 3 at university, I totally understand that they are adults.

It's a damn shame that Student Finance don't see it the same way.

[goinggetstough]

Dame so true!

[Horsemad]

Well said Dame!

[noddyholder]

Yes! Dame

[landofsoapandglory]

Totally agree, Dame!

[Milliways]

DH drove DS to all his visits/interviews, but dropped him off and collected him later. (DH travels a lot so arranged his meetings near to the relevant Uni.)

We did the same for DD. He stayed closer at hand for her Cambridge interview (in a nearby pub). We visited her about once a term (usually in DS's half term) and took her out for a meal which was appreciated - and often ended up getting some shopping in as well.

I think they appreciated the lifts and being able to talk about it on the journey home, but it was good they were able to be themselves at the actual visit.

[noddyholder]

Yes we dropped off and sat in cafe

[higgle]

We'll be selling up and downsizing (preferably somewhere chic and small)once he has graduated, so he'd better get a job!

[noddyholder]

Don't hold your breath although obviously some sectors better than others! Most graduates I know are still working in bars and shops etc