My 18 yr old daughter is going to meet her Dad tomorrow for the first time

[Oneforall]

Hi. I am heartbroken. I thought i could deal with this but i cant. All of the rejection has welled up inside and i fell rejected all over again. I honestly dont know how I coped, we were engaged, my 5 year old son from a previous relationship called him Dad we were together 2.5 years. He left when I told him i was pregnant, denied paternity and that was that. I was 24 and determined but i couldnt believe it...i was so shocked. He has never even seen a picture of her. She told me she wanted to gwt in touch I always knew it would happen someday and felt very philosophical about it. It was me that tracked down his email and called him to warn that she would be in touch. I felt very calm and in control, excited for her and confident that only good would come to her through meeting who had helped to make her. They meet tomorrow and I am DEVASTATED I cant stop these huge great sobs from completely coming up form my belly please help me

Its important to let it all out, and this sobbing is all the hurt from the past, i think that has been stored inside you. Its good to cry, dont keep you feelings in. Its good you have posted here and are expressing how you feel.
You shouldnt feel rejected as it doesnt mean that your DD loves you any less. Infact it is you she loves and has no emotional feelings I wouldnt have thought for her dad. Any child is naturally curious to meet their biological parent, if they havnt.

You are the biggest, most important figure and parent in your childrens lives. Their fathers do not have anything like the bond that you have with your children.
As your DD is 18 yrs maybe you can sit down and express to her how emotional you feel about her meeting him.

I hope in time you start to feel better about the whole situation . It will take time to come to terms with the fact that DD is in touch with her Dad. Good things may come from this, like he will start to pull his finger out and give here some money. I imagine he hasnt financed her at all , so far ? ?

Thankyou. I had to be strong then, I started bleeding and had to have an early scan. He came with me and we both saw the heart beating, afterwards we sat in the car and he said he would not be coming back and that I should have a termination. Ha! I pulled myself together beautifully - I went to Relate once a week for 8 months (Gosh that was a lot of nasty laundry out in the open..I refused to feel the victim but acknowledgment is hard). I had just started my own business so needed a job FAST. He had resigned from his and we were in the same industry so I approached his boss and got his job and his company car, result!! I did not want a termination as I had had one at 16 and I honestly felt I may never have another child. I had a female birth partner and she was the most amazingly beautiful baby......She modeled for Boots, Clarks, Debenhams you name it. I remember thinking he could be walking past right now and not know these posters are of his own flesh and blood. I did everything I could to stay sane, I couldnt afford depression, or weakness but i did cry all day once when my son was at school. We loved her so much. Eight years later when I was separated from my first husband the CSA did track him down. He denied paternity again but this time they insited on a paternity test. He was forced to pay maintenance for a short time and then he moved to Spain. You are right all this sobbing is all my hurt from all thise years, that young determined girl. I really thought I could do it and i did. Your words are so comforting, i do truly believe that good will come from it for her. He was such a lovely man he will be kind. I wasnt sure if it was right to let her know how emotional i still feel how wronged...My son and I had had such a difficult time before..he promised. Gosh that sounds like my younger self. I loved him very very much. He will be suprised and delighted when he meets her! It had nothing to do with him - A smile from me at last!!

And money! Do you think thats too much to hope for!!

Thankyou Skifit for your soothing words. You have helped.

Poor you, what an emotional rollercoaster.

You know it is curiosity on her part don't you? Curiosity and a desire for answers. it has nothing to do with your relationship with her. She knows deep down he is a feckless bastard who abandoned her - now she wants to look him in the eye. And say "why did you abandon mum and me. Don't you think I was worth sticking around for?"

You will need to be prepared to pick up her pieces when she comes home - get all your crying done while she is away!
x

I do feel for you.

BUT

I am the other side of the story. I don't know my real father even though he lives 5 minutes WALK from me and i now see him nearly daily!!!

He was a complete arsehole to my mum and beat her badly regularly. They split when i was 2. he took her to the high court for custody of me and my older sister and brother. I went straight to my mum, my sister and brother went with my father. My father then promptly put my brother into care!!!! which my mum fought for years to get him back.

I have no memories of him until I saw him at my brothers wedding at 13. He made NO effort to see me.

My brother see has a good relationship with his dad now.

Part of me would like to see him and ask questions but i feel like I cant for hurting my mum. She is my best friend but I know she HATES him. So I cant do it to her!!

i don't know my family medical history on his side, which I feel could put my own children at risk.

He would never be my dad, i have the most wonderful step dad.

Dear HPSaucy I split up from the father of my first child when he was 7 months old because he was violent. I think you are very lucky to have been brought up by your mum. I do firmly believe that it is not always in the best interest of children to have a relationship with someone who is abusive, violent or controlling. It is wonderful that you have a great stepdad.

I worked hard for my DD to have good supportive men in her life. However the fall out from her meeting her dad yesterday is as follows: We spoke before she met him about inviting him to her end of term show. (2 years at Musical Theatre College, 10years of struggling to pay and ferrying back and forth to dance lessons) All her friends and family there, Nan, both Stepdads, Brother, 2 Sisters, friends whove watched her grow up etc.

The first thing she said to me on her return was how wel it went and how much she wants him to come to her show (1 performance only). I have had a complete and total meltdown.

I quote " I just want to show him what i can do, i want him to be proud of me" . The show is in two weeks time - shes met him once. She has made it clear she wants him there no matter what the cost. In this she is determined and is not prepared to take into account any feelings but her own. I have lost my temper screamed and shouted like an example of the worst parenting ever. My husband (no biological children) says "well we shouldn't go then" so im getting no help from that quarter! My friend says "its only one show and she thought i was bigger than that".

So......I am swooping between tears and rage, caring and not caring. I feel on the verge of one of those awful times in a family where they get estranged for 10 years. That b told me to have a termination and left me destitute. I support my DD's right to have a relationship. One minute i can see me sitting in the audience calmly the next I am tearing my hair out and screaming with bitter pain.

My life changed after he left. Single parent poverty, painful intrusive counselling, marriage to a porn addict, 2 more children in 20 months,stalked, divorced, stalked. Clawed my way through job after job inching up the ladder to try and give this family everything i could - skiing, disney, dance, books.

I feel like a complete washed out, wrung out idiot and bitter.

You shouldn't have screamed at her and you should go. You know that don't you? Of course it will be difficult and of course it is painful. But she deserves to try and have a relationship with her father. Who knows, maybe he will step up to the plate and be decent to her. You have to let her try.

You can't blame him for your second marriage, your stalkings. You can blame him for being a violent fucker and making your life much harder than it needed to be.

But that is about YOUR relationship with him, not hers. You have to step back and let her get on with it. you need to apologise to her for screaming at her, tell her you will go to the show, support her. She is a credit to you, not to him, don't forget that. Don't talk to him at the show if you don't want to - you will be well supported by your family and friends. But don't let this split you and your daughter apart.

Best of lucl

omg I feel your pain.
You do know in your heart of hearts that he will go and you SHOULD go of course.
Do you know what you should do though is write a diary of what you are going through.
Get it all out on paper or computer and really get it all out.
Your daughter will realise in the future what that meant and maybe apologise for it but please forget him being there and show him that this is also what YOU have done by bringing his daughter up and giving her a great life and bringing her to this point in her life.
Ignore him he will be feeling v. humble and staying out of your way.
This is also your occasion so just ignore him pretend he isn't there and live it like he isn't there and rejoice in your event.

How hard for you.
I think mama's suggestion of writing down how you feel would be the way to go - maybe a letter to your daughter?

There is of course the possibility that her dad will realise he couldn't possibly face you and all of your family who have been there for your dd since she was a baby - he's really the one who should be worried.
Really hope you soon find a way through this, and back to 'normal' with your dd - who will always love you more than anyone.

Whoah. I just feel like I've been inside a washing machine going up and down a roller coaster. You are all so right. I have also come to that conclusion myself. I have apologised to my DD re screaming and shouting and I have realised that all that pain from yesteryear does not have to have even more fallout now. I support My DD's chance to have a relationship, he wasnt violent just unable to commit. I have enjoyed bringing up my eldest daughter immensley and will be a very proud Momma in the audience. I definitely needed to put it down on here and thank you for your words. We have made it back to normal albeit a bit fragile. Now I just feel guilty that I couldnt have been more grown up and selfless in the first place. Oh well! Must try harder!!!

Glad things are looking brighter for you.

Well at least she knows that you are not just her mum.
You have feelings that were hurt when you were her age.
You had a life before her etc.
It all goes to her education and maturement.

Put it down to life experience.

Ahhh don't worry, you've made it right.

And it is YOU who has got her to where she is now - you should be very proud of yourself!

Just searched for My daughter is meeting Dad for first time tomorrow, and this lead came up. On Friday, my 18 year old daughter is meeting her Dad for the first time,too. Whilst I'm happy for her (in order to be whole, she surely needs to meet him, and explore this side of herself), I'm finding myself living an emotional rollercoaster. Crying buckets. Not sleeping. Etc. Not really knowing what the extreme emotions are all about. Some hours I'm just fine. Other hours - alone, walking the dogs - I just break down and cry and cry.
I'd really like to hear the original poster's update on this. What has happened subsequently? Like you, my daughter's father left because he simply couldn't take the responsibility of being a father at that moment in time. He wasn't ever violent, but just a charming, I guess feckless man, and my biggest concern is that he'll never be the father that my daughter wants; she'll always be on second footing to his other (later) children, and will always have to deal with his fecklessness. He contacted her, right before she turned 18. He's never paid a penny in maintenance, and friends and family (of mine) are up in arms that he dares turn up now, when his parental responsibilities end, and when he can just meet a beautiful, young woman rather than chip at the coal face of parenting.