housing for teenagers

[sidmuttley]

My 19 year old daughter has become too much for me to handle, her violent outbursts and temper are affecting my much younger children and myself too much. I have come to the end of my tether and asked her and her very lovely boyfriend to leave. I wrote them an eviction letter hoping that the local 'council' might help them as she is in full time education and he only works part time. Neither of them have any savings and have been told that the authorities will not help them with housing, they've looked at an affordable flat and were told that even though they had the deposit money they would also need a guarantor, I am a single parent on a low income and would not qualify to do this, her father is unlikely to help. What can I do? Are there any organisations that can advise me please? I really am desperate to resolve this situation and do not wish to see either of them out on the street, however I cannot continue to be verbally and physically attacked by her.

[Littleblue]

Mary..oh you poor thing.Is there any support for you as a family?..there is some help through the gp available here,but i know this depends very much on local health services...im sure you have asked for help through your GP.
Cannabis isn't what it was when i was a student..its so much stronger these days and exacerbates depression/paranoia etc..
I have another thread about serious problems with my own son..he gave up alot of what was making his depression worse..but as for aspergers..i know how hard that is,ive a friend whose son was taken into care at 14 because his violence was so extreme..he is now settled with a girlfriend and a flat btw..

[darleneconnor]

What type of education is she in, higher or further? This will effect her benefit entitlement. Does she have a p/t job? Why is he only working so few hours?

They are legally homeless so they will have to be put in a B&B by the council, if not a temporary flat.

Have they applied to be on the council's general waiting list?

[sidmuttley]

She's at college, has had a 2 year break as couldn't cope with the pressure of education. She's just started a 2 year course, she attends college 2 days pw and has a work placement 1 day pw, she has to allow for times when her work placement will last all week though. She has a part time job, contracted 4 hours pw. He works as many hours as they will give him at both jobs, but his formal contracted hours are pathetic. He's worked every day for the last 2 months at both jobs, sometimes going straight from one to the other. Apparently they were told that they were not a priority, there are more people on the list who've been homeless for months. They literally didn't have anywhere to go the other night and were told they couldn't be helped. I'm guessing they have applied now, I wrote them a formal eviction letter to avoid any doubt in anyones mind as to my intentions, but the situation escalated and I told them to leave that day. I'm not proud of that, but it has happened.

[Littleblue]

Be proud..you are still standing by your daughter despite her punching you..and spitting at you...etc..be very proud.I am..of you.

[sidmuttley]

Mary, I dont have the words to say how sad I am for you and yours, there must surely be some help, somewhere. I hope you find what you need with the Foyer. I know you can't give up on him, thats not what we do, but you do have to protect yourself and your other children. Please keep in touch and let us know how you're getting on. Am sending big hugs with this message, sorry I haven't got any advice for you though.

[sidmuttley]

Thanks lb, I appreciate that so much. All of this really goes against the ideals we started out with when they were born. It's natural to look at yourself and wonder where you went wrong, to blame yourself for the way they turn out.

[Littleblue]

You can only ever make the best decisions with everyones welfare at heart..and they are people,we underestimate that methinks...when they are born

[darleneconnor]

The council are at it!

They have to offer temporary accommodation to homeless people! Even if they run out of their own accommodation, they have to pay for them to stay in another LA area.

Threaten them with court action.

[sidmuttley]

Dont be silly mary, feel free to rant, it's the only thing we can do to stay sane sometimes. The system there is ridiculous though. All you can do is continue to love him, one day he'll realise and appreciate that i'm sure, not much consolation now i know though. dd1 has been troubled for years, has suffered sexual abuse from her father for many years, but she didnt tell me til she was 18 and she made sure she tied my hands with threats to never speak to me again if i told anyone, and she's stubborn enough to do it so i keep my mouth shut. i split with him when she was 2. the lil ones are by a different father, unfortunately he turned out to be an arse and mentally abused her, though i didnt see it at the time. it's my guilt that has made me so defensive of her i think, made me tolerate more than most would have possibly. i love her so much,but i just cant live with her any more, to live in the same oppressive controlled environment that i lived with when i was with the lil ones dad. whether i stick to my guns remains to be seen, unfortunately i've got my mother wanting to know under what circumstances i would consider taking her back and filling me with as many guilt trips as she possibly can. I hope things improve for you though, and you manage to find the help you need. I dont think i'm brave, I just have to put myself and the lil ones first before i end up in a very nice padded room somewhere. Good luck and remember you're doing everything you can, that means more than anything.

[thefirstMrsDeVere]

Another one going through similar hear

Because my DS is only 16 they had to accomodate him but only in a temp hostel. He has been there for a while so I am expecting him to be asked to leave very soon.

I have been told its unlikely LA will house him because he made himself intentionally homeless. Even though i was forced to ask him to leave it was due to his behaviour (he basically forced me into it because he thought it would get him housed if he was kicked out).

I dont know the score when it comes to adults. Sorry you are dealing with this. Its utter crap isnt it?

Arggghhhhhhhh!

[Ineed2]

One thing I have realised, having a challenging teen is that it doesn't matter how you imagine its going to be they make their own path. All we can do is try to support them as best we can. We can't live their lives for them and if their actions damage younger members of the family then they have to go it alone.

I know it sounds harsh and believe me it was the hardest thing I have ever done, the younger ones were actually really angry with me, but our lives improved so much and my relationship with her is so much better.

She knows she had to leave and now says she is glad she left when she did. I think we were in danger of starting to dislike each other.

Maryz... we believe that Dd1 is on the spectrum although she doesn't have a dx, more often than not it was her lack of ToM and empathy that caused our greatest problems, We never got any help and it's only been since she left that my family have aknowledged her difficulties. I admire you for continuing to stick by your son and hope you can find some support on here. I wish I had known about MN when Dd1 was younger, maybe I would have had the strength to fight harder to get her dx'ed and get her some support. But hey, thats the way it goes.

[sidmuttley]

Mrs Devere, I dont know what the rules are regarding minors but i feel sure he should be housed, even if only in a hostel. I also have the fact that we're ridiculously overcrowded here (3 adults and 2 children in a small 3 bed cottage) so i have grounds for evicting them for that reason alone, i played down the extent of the violence in my letter as i didnt want to give the la the excuse of saying she'd made herself intentionally homeless, i've unfortunately had dealings with the la myself (long boring story that isnt relevant to this thread lol), so needless to say i know how they think. good luck though, keep fighting your corner.

[sidmuttley]

Ineed2, I totally agree with what you've said, I know that my lil ones are going to be angry with me when they find out (have told them that they're staying at a friends for a while). was texting dd1 the other night and she said that she thought it was best for both of us to have space and time to patch things up at a later date while we still love each other enough to want to. the lines of communication are open which has helped me a great deal, they're tense but at least they exist. i know our lives will improve as the atmosphere in the house is already calm, i dont feel stressed and of course that affects the lil ones too, i saw myself one day last week and thought enough is enough, somethings gotta give. unfortunately i cant change dd1 behaviour so i've done the only thing i can.

[thefirstMrsDeVere]

Its all so bloody exhausting isnt it?
Sounds like you have been through the wringer, I hope you get some sort of peace soon.

DS really needs to come home. It would be a disaster to give him a flat. He just isnt ready. I know the SW doesnt want to but who the hell knows what might happen.

My poor,lovely friend has two DD's who are very close in age and she has been dealing with their madness on her own. The LA has just given the 16 old a one bedroom flat in a very expensive part of London . Mad!

I am finding the whole situation [with DS] very hard to cope with.
So I cant imagine how you are coping.

[sidmuttley]

I dont know many 16 year olds who would be ready to live on their own to be honest, my dd is 19 and i dont think she's mentally ready. it'll certainly be a shock to her when she has to start actually doing things herself and paying her way! either that or her bf will be shattered....lol. Is there no support that he can get while living at home? if my dd1 had been given the support she should've received from the mental health services i feel we wouldnt be in this situation now. but due to cuts and waiting lists they just throw antidepressants at her instead of dealing with the problem. I'm also a lone parent,so can sympathise with your friend, but oh dear, 2 of them, shudders. Do you get any support, as a parent of troubled teen from ss? and am i imagining it or did the government say they wanted to encourage families to stay together???

[thefirstMrsDeVere]

He has a sensible sw. He has asked to come home and we said yes but he had to take up the offers of counselling first.

He then told his dad last week that he couldnt see himself coming home!

OH is getting a bit pissed off with it all. He is a very laid back man but he is losing patience with DS.

DS is a good lad but has got himself in a right state. He needs to find a way of working his way out of it without losing face.

I think we are in a luckier postion in a way because he doesnt have any underlying mental health problems and he doenst have any ASD.
Our family have been through an awful lot and its taken its toll. He refused to acknowledge this and instead transfered five years of so of anger and grief onto me.

This has waned a bit and he doesnt seem to blame me anymore but he is still very mixed up.

I am worried that he is getting used to the hostel life and the longer he is there the harder it will be to get back into family life.

I just want it all to to away TBH.

I am so sorry that you are all having such a difficult time. Its not fair.

[sidmuttley]

there's a family mediation service local to me, i had to use it when i broke up with dd1's dad to sort out his access arrangements, the solicitor told me to use them first,just wondering if there's anything like that where you are? just thinking that your ss has completely let you down on every level so far, so maybe they havent even passed on useful information like that to you? can sympathise with wanting to move out, it got to the point where i looked forward to going to the job i dont like just to be away from the house. used to have a friend i could stay with when the lil ones were at their dads, loved being there, even 24 hours break was enough to make me feel like i'd had a holiday, unfortunately he moved and i no longer have that option.

[sidmuttley]

i know what you mean about the hero-worshipping thing, dd2 looks up to her big sis, scary on some levels, but is how it is with siblings. ds worships dd1's bf, which i approve of as he's a gentle caring lad who's great with the lil ones. to be honest he's the one the lil ones are going to miss most,and i feel sad to take away the only positive male role model they have in their lives.

[sidmuttley]

you'd think it would be, but she doesnt feel that she deserves to be loved, she's been let down by everyone in the past, including me, and consequently keeps trying to push him away. he's a lovely lad, i couldnt wish for a better future son in law, hell i'd like someone like that myself! lol. what i'm trying to say is that a bf/gf isnt the cure we all think it will be, they have to believe that they deserve to be treated nicely,to be loved before they can accept it. she controls him to a ridiculous extent, has deleted friends on his facebook,'allows' him to go out then changes her mind and makes him stay home. his mother was a major control freak too,so the poor bugger has gone from one controlling relationship to another. his mother threw him out last christmas day because he stayed here for christmas and she wanted him to come home! the thing is dd1 is the same, tho i would never dare to tell her that. i hope that you get taken on with the counselling people,as a family you need support too. i can understand how you feel tho,i'm all of those thing at the same time too. lovin the use of emoticons tho!! (grin)

[sidmuttley]

lmao well i obviously need to practice using mine!!!!!