housing for teenagers

[sidmuttley]

My 19 year old daughter has become too much for me to handle, her violent outbursts and temper are affecting my much younger children and myself too much. I have come to the end of my tether and asked her and her very lovely boyfriend to leave. I wrote them an eviction letter hoping that the local 'council' might help them as she is in full time education and he only works part time. Neither of them have any savings and have been told that the authorities will not help them with housing, they've looked at an affordable flat and were told that even though they had the deposit money they would also need a guarantor, I am a single parent on a low income and would not qualify to do this, her father is unlikely to help. What can I do? Are there any organisations that can advise me please? I really am desperate to resolve this situation and do not wish to see either of them out on the street, however I cannot continue to be verbally and physically attacked by her.

[IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt]

Hi am just resurrecting this as am considering housing options for my DS. Have posted previously on a few other threads about my son but under different names. Given up name changing now.

How are you all doing now with your teens?

Maryz, your story has always stood out to me as your situation seems similar to mine.

My current situation is this...

Two dcs.
Older one is 18 (adult so messy)
Ds1 totally off the rails
Started at c 16. Worsened considerably as xh started affair and dicked around for a year
Primary issue was heavy drug usage
Suspected AS IMO
Was arrested and currently awaiting probation meeting following conviction for possession, they will discuss drugs therapy with him
Has no interest in getting help as he does not see that there is a problem
His father has recently left the area, is interested but fairly detached and doesn't really do responsiblity
DS has now switched to alcohol abuse and drinking heavily, ended up in hospital last night

Basically I am trying to now find somewhere he can live as I feel that he needs to be away from us, grow up and find his way. I can't solve this for him and it is wearing and unfair on his brother. He is however not worldly wide at all and despite everything very young for his age.

[sidmuttley]

She still has contact with him, dont know why, neither does she really but she's happy to accept money and gifts whenever they're offered. I dont like it either, but I'm not in a position to help her as I dont earn enough to qualify as a guarantor. Is a bizarre situation really, I'd happily go and do horrendous things to him but am not allowed as she's said that she will never speak to me again, and I know her well enough to know she means it.

[darleneconnor]

I'm a bit about the thought of her father who sexually abused her as a child now being her guarantor. Is she 100% ok with this?

[sidmuttley]

ineed2...thanks for your messages, seems we've both done the 'lets have huge age gaps' thing as i've just done a little mental math (ewwww) and my numbers are pretty much the same as yours,an awful thought indeed.lol. but then, lets face it, even with the problems they cause we still wouldn't actually be without them totally....distance is good though
dd2 will be a teen in 2 years,but she's starting early. have told the lil ones about their sis and bf moving out,they asked why and i said that they are adults and need to be on their own and also that i couldnt take any more of the way dd1 was with all of us, am rather hoping that dd2 will get the message that behaviour like that is unnacceptable. told dd1 about it and she laughed and said that she hoped it worked! felt sorry for ds though,his first words were 'does that mean i cant play with bf anymore?' that rather upset dd1 when i told her. but i explained that we'll go to see them in their new place and they'll come to see us. dd1 has already got it in her head that she wants the lil ones to come to stay when they get sorted,and she wants me to come stay on my own for nights out with them too! lol. really feels so amazing now.

[Ineed2]

sidmuttley... I am glad you have had chance to talk to you Dd1 and that you are feeling calmer about the whole thing. it's great that her dad is sorting out the guarantor stuff.

You are right it is love for our kids which makes us fight so hard for them and with them. Your Dd1 is starting the next phase of her life, she has a lot to learn and I am sure she will be calling on you [not at 2 am hopfully]grin].

Now you can spend some quality time with your other kids and enjoy some calm family time until the next one becomes a teen.

Just to say by the time I am done I will have done the school run for 20 years and had a teen in the house for about 18 years OMG what an awful thought.

[sidmuttley]

Thanks for sharing drummer, it sounds like manchester ss have got their heads screwed on in some respects at least. i've found that a sense of humour is essential in this life, yeah sometimes its probably considered inappropriate but to be honest i dont care. there's a saying about laughing in the face of adversity. as for my situation, well i've spoken to dd1 this morning and it was like talking to the old her again, someone i haven't seen or heard in years. they've found somewhere that sounds great, her father has actually come through and agreed to be guarantor for the rent, her bf's nan is lending them some of the deposit money. the best thing for me was her apologising and saying that she knows she was wrong to treat me the way she has,and that she wants me to help decorate,move and advice on what to get and i get to go shopping with her too. probably sounds silly,but that was one of the things i was looking forward to, being able to be part of her starting her new life. she says she loves me and we laughed and cried and were equally sarcastically humoured. i feel as though things will be ok now, i know that she still wants me in her life and that our relationship will not only survive but will get better. Thank you all so much for your help and for listening and sharing your situations, I really dont know what i would have done without you all. please keep in touch though and i hope that everything works out for all of us. we love our children so much and thats why we continue to fight for them,that shines through in each and every story.

[noteventhebestdrummer]

You are all so strong for your kids in such hard situations.

Maryz, I laughed though at your 'pot-luck' drug counselling. In the same way I laughed when we were at our lovely junkie-support place and I asked if I could please charge my phone while we talked - got the reply 'Sure, shoot it up over there'. I'd have gone mad by now if I didn't see the funny side of this sometimes.

Re housing...in Manchester SS have sheltered housing for 16-19 year olds but it's very hard to get places. It DOES exist though and is good, staff live in and the kids have their own bedsitting rooms and are helped with learning cooking skills etc as well as supported in education and employment. Also support to move out and onwards.

[sidmuttley]

lmao well i obviously need to practice using mine!!!!!

[sidmuttley]

you'd think it would be, but she doesnt feel that she deserves to be loved, she's been let down by everyone in the past, including me, and consequently keeps trying to push him away. he's a lovely lad, i couldnt wish for a better future son in law, hell i'd like someone like that myself! lol. what i'm trying to say is that a bf/gf isnt the cure we all think it will be, they have to believe that they deserve to be treated nicely,to be loved before they can accept it. she controls him to a ridiculous extent, has deleted friends on his facebook,'allows' him to go out then changes her mind and makes him stay home. his mother was a major control freak too,so the poor bugger has gone from one controlling relationship to another. his mother threw him out last christmas day because he stayed here for christmas and she wanted him to come home! the thing is dd1 is the same, tho i would never dare to tell her that. i hope that you get taken on with the counselling people,as a family you need support too. i can understand how you feel tho,i'm all of those thing at the same time too. lovin the use of emoticons tho!! (grin)

[sidmuttley]

i know what you mean about the hero-worshipping thing, dd2 looks up to her big sis, scary on some levels, but is how it is with siblings. ds worships dd1's bf, which i approve of as he's a gentle caring lad who's great with the lil ones. to be honest he's the one the lil ones are going to miss most,and i feel sad to take away the only positive male role model they have in their lives.

[sidmuttley]

there's a family mediation service local to me, i had to use it when i broke up with dd1's dad to sort out his access arrangements, the solicitor told me to use them first,just wondering if there's anything like that where you are? just thinking that your ss has completely let you down on every level so far, so maybe they havent even passed on useful information like that to you? can sympathise with wanting to move out, it got to the point where i looked forward to going to the job i dont like just to be away from the house. used to have a friend i could stay with when the lil ones were at their dads, loved being there, even 24 hours break was enough to make me feel like i'd had a holiday, unfortunately he moved and i no longer have that option.

[thefirstMrsDeVere]

He has a sensible sw. He has asked to come home and we said yes but he had to take up the offers of counselling first.

He then told his dad last week that he couldnt see himself coming home!

OH is getting a bit pissed off with it all. He is a very laid back man but he is losing patience with DS.

DS is a good lad but has got himself in a right state. He needs to find a way of working his way out of it without losing face.

I think we are in a luckier postion in a way because he doesnt have any underlying mental health problems and he doenst have any ASD.
Our family have been through an awful lot and its taken its toll. He refused to acknowledge this and instead transfered five years of so of anger and grief onto me.

This has waned a bit and he doesnt seem to blame me anymore but he is still very mixed up.

I am worried that he is getting used to the hostel life and the longer he is there the harder it will be to get back into family life.

I just want it all to to away TBH.

I am so sorry that you are all having such a difficult time. Its not fair.

[sidmuttley]

I dont know many 16 year olds who would be ready to live on their own to be honest, my dd is 19 and i dont think she's mentally ready. it'll certainly be a shock to her when she has to start actually doing things herself and paying her way! either that or her bf will be shattered....lol. Is there no support that he can get while living at home? if my dd1 had been given the support she should've received from the mental health services i feel we wouldnt be in this situation now. but due to cuts and waiting lists they just throw antidepressants at her instead of dealing with the problem. I'm also a lone parent,so can sympathise with your friend, but oh dear, 2 of them, shudders. Do you get any support, as a parent of troubled teen from ss? and am i imagining it or did the government say they wanted to encourage families to stay together???

[thefirstMrsDeVere]

Its all so bloody exhausting isnt it?
Sounds like you have been through the wringer, I hope you get some sort of peace soon.

DS really needs to come home. It would be a disaster to give him a flat. He just isnt ready. I know the SW doesnt want to but who the hell knows what might happen.

My poor,lovely friend has two DD's who are very close in age and she has been dealing with their madness on her own. The LA has just given the 16 old a one bedroom flat in a very expensive part of London . Mad!

I am finding the whole situation [with DS] very hard to cope with.
So I cant imagine how you are coping.

[sidmuttley]

Ineed2, I totally agree with what you've said, I know that my lil ones are going to be angry with me when they find out (have told them that they're staying at a friends for a while). was texting dd1 the other night and she said that she thought it was best for both of us to have space and time to patch things up at a later date while we still love each other enough to want to. the lines of communication are open which has helped me a great deal, they're tense but at least they exist. i know our lives will improve as the atmosphere in the house is already calm, i dont feel stressed and of course that affects the lil ones too, i saw myself one day last week and thought enough is enough, somethings gotta give. unfortunately i cant change dd1 behaviour so i've done the only thing i can.

[sidmuttley]

Mrs Devere, I dont know what the rules are regarding minors but i feel sure he should be housed, even if only in a hostel. I also have the fact that we're ridiculously overcrowded here (3 adults and 2 children in a small 3 bed cottage) so i have grounds for evicting them for that reason alone, i played down the extent of the violence in my letter as i didnt want to give the la the excuse of saying she'd made herself intentionally homeless, i've unfortunately had dealings with the la myself (long boring story that isnt relevant to this thread lol), so needless to say i know how they think. good luck though, keep fighting your corner.

[Ineed2]

One thing I have realised, having a challenging teen is that it doesn't matter how you imagine its going to be they make their own path. All we can do is try to support them as best we can. We can't live their lives for them and if their actions damage younger members of the family then they have to go it alone.

I know it sounds harsh and believe me it was the hardest thing I have ever done, the younger ones were actually really angry with me, but our lives improved so much and my relationship with her is so much better.

She knows she had to leave and now says she is glad she left when she did. I think we were in danger of starting to dislike each other.

Maryz... we believe that Dd1 is on the spectrum although she doesn't have a dx, more often than not it was her lack of ToM and empathy that caused our greatest problems, We never got any help and it's only been since she left that my family have aknowledged her difficulties. I admire you for continuing to stick by your son and hope you can find some support on here. I wish I had known about MN when Dd1 was younger, maybe I would have had the strength to fight harder to get her dx'ed and get her some support. But hey, thats the way it goes.

[thefirstMrsDeVere]

Another one going through similar hear

Because my DS is only 16 they had to accomodate him but only in a temp hostel. He has been there for a while so I am expecting him to be asked to leave very soon.

I have been told its unlikely LA will house him because he made himself intentionally homeless. Even though i was forced to ask him to leave it was due to his behaviour (he basically forced me into it because he thought it would get him housed if he was kicked out).

I dont know the score when it comes to adults. Sorry you are dealing with this. Its utter crap isnt it?

Arggghhhhhhhh!

[sidmuttley]

Dont be silly mary, feel free to rant, it's the only thing we can do to stay sane sometimes. The system there is ridiculous though. All you can do is continue to love him, one day he'll realise and appreciate that i'm sure, not much consolation now i know though. dd1 has been troubled for years, has suffered sexual abuse from her father for many years, but she didnt tell me til she was 18 and she made sure she tied my hands with threats to never speak to me again if i told anyone, and she's stubborn enough to do it so i keep my mouth shut. i split with him when she was 2. the lil ones are by a different father, unfortunately he turned out to be an arse and mentally abused her, though i didnt see it at the time. it's my guilt that has made me so defensive of her i think, made me tolerate more than most would have possibly. i love her so much,but i just cant live with her any more, to live in the same oppressive controlled environment that i lived with when i was with the lil ones dad. whether i stick to my guns remains to be seen, unfortunately i've got my mother wanting to know under what circumstances i would consider taking her back and filling me with as many guilt trips as she possibly can. I hope things improve for you though, and you manage to find the help you need. I dont think i'm brave, I just have to put myself and the lil ones first before i end up in a very nice padded room somewhere. Good luck and remember you're doing everything you can, that means more than anything.

[darleneconnor]

The council are at it!

They have to offer temporary accommodation to homeless people! Even if they run out of their own accommodation, they have to pay for them to stay in another LA area.

Threaten them with court action.