Surrogacy for dummies

[wombatsandadoor]

Title based purely on those books you get.

Can anyone help me. I’m basically considering surrogacy, not for 3 years or so but I want to get all the information beforehand, I like to be prepared. I’m undecided between pregnancy or surrogacy, I’m not sure I want to be pregnant and my mental health difficulties might force my hand, it depends on how I go over the next few years.

I would like to be an Intended parent. Whether or not I have a partner, I have a great family support system.

Can anyone give me the basics and overall view of surrogacy.

Thank you.

SUK doesn't have charitable status, I think. You could also try COTS.

The first issues to resolve is - does your physical condition actually prevent you from carrying your own child ?? - you don't actually know the answer to this. You should look into your condition & the medication & prognosis for pregnancy. Often pregnancy has a positive effect on mental health conditions.

You will be unlikely to get altruistic surrogacy unless you are actually, properly, not able to carry your own child. And to my mind anything other than altruistic, UK based surrogacy is deeply ethically questionable.

Also you'd likely have to go through IVF anyway in order to produce eggs & embryos if you want host surrogacy (ie your embryo not the.surro's eggs) so you should look into how that would interact with your meds too.

@wombatsandadoor

I’m not totally sure, I need to talk to my psychiatrist, but according to a study done it’s been linked to various things and defects in animals so probably not recommended in humans.

I think my psychosis is from depression so I’m hoping I can get my anti depressant up enough that it helps, so I can reduce the dose of my antipsychotic. If I was just on anti depressants, It’s unlikely I’d consider surrogacy. Im just concerned about the health of the baby.

Do you honestly think another woman would be happy to go through pregnancy and give her baby to someone who has such poor mental health that they have to take anti psychotic meds? In many ways, pregnancy is the easiest part of being a parent.

[quote WishingWaiting]@OhHolyJesus there are women who actively want to carry a child for someone who can't, as an act of immeasurable kindness and compassion. No one forces them. They know whether or not they feel able to carry a baby they will not raise, and it demeans and belittles them to suggest that they do not.[/quote]
It’s a shame that the actual baby, who will be a living, breathing human, seems to be ignored in all this. It’s common knowledge that adopted children often suffer trauma as a direct result of being adopted, the same may well hold true for babies born as a result of surrogacy who may never know their biological background.

Oh hon this is a dreadful position to be in but you're probably overthinking it at the moment. You're still young and have many years ahead to see how it pans out. I was a fan of surrogacy until I had children and now I couldn't be more against but understand why you would explore it. Probably the first place to start is with your doctor. Find out what the possibilities are for yourself first before exploring other options, you may be surprised what can be done. If you end up with no choice other than surrogacy or adoption you could look at these later xx

No one forces them. They know whether or not they feel able to carry a baby they will not raise, and it demeans and belittles them to suggest that they do not.

When a woman offers herself up to others for a surrogate pregnancy it can be for a range of reasons, I don't think it belittles anyone to explore why, if the women might do it for friendship, to prove something to themselves )or others), or if they do it for financial gain due to poverty.

This is connected to force and choice or perceived choice, like the phrase "sex work is work" is connected to 'choice feminism'.

Sometimes even so-called 'altruistic' has financial benefits (bills are paid including groceries, treats/holidays are paid for etc) and you are adored and told by random strangers about what a good person you are. I'm imagine it makes you feel very special but having your worth being placed or measured in your body is somewhat dangerous.

Here are some examples.

stopsurrogacynowuk.org/2021/05/31/surrogacy-in-the-media-a-review-of-bbc-threes-the-surrogates-long-read/

Commercial surrogacy in the US but the surrogate mother wanted to help/be helpful and she had a 'choice'.

And a woman who deeply regrets her 'altruistic' surrogacy arrangement for friends

nordicmodelnow.org/2020/01/29/i-was-an-altruistic-surrogate-and-am-now-against-all-surrogacy/

Exploitation can be others doing it to you or you doing it to yourself. If we're being kind we could consider whether it's kind to agree when a woman offers her body up for surrogacy or whether it would be better to gently explore her reasons.

By all means OP, read other websites that are pro surrogacy. A balanced view is only likely, however, if you read perspectives from both sides and weigh them equally.

Exactly, and you can come to your own conclusions from reading other Mumsnet a threads where surrogacy is discussed as well as from agencies and lawyers who are directly involved in surrogacy.

I was a surrogate and having read through the thread above, I would agree with most of the comments made.

It's my understanding that in the UK in order to proceed with surrogacy, you have to prove why you, yourself, are unable to carry the baby. I don't not believe that mental health concerns would be considered a medical reason to not fulfil a pregnancy. Things like MRKH would be a reason for example.

It sounds like you are working with some considerable mental health concerns. Being a parent is hugely rewarding but also incredibly tough. I would really recommend you spending some time working on yourself and becoming the best version of yourself should you wish to go down the having a baby route.

Being pregnant provides some wonderful, important bonding with the baby. I wonder if you may struggle bonding with the baby if you chose surrogacy. Seeing someone else pregnant with your baby may be difficult for you and could provide some resentment towards the surrogate mother.

And having been a member of Surrogacy UK and their FB groups, I would be mindful that they are a very 'toxic positivity' type group. I found them providing advice to surrogates that would make me feel really angry. For example, saying that surrogates wouldn't bond with their baby or that surrogates who suffered from pregnancy complications, post natal depression or mental health concerns, would have no issues with surrogacy.

Surrogacy is very costly, both in monetary terms and mentally. You need to be 100% sure it's a route that you wish to look into but in the first instance, make sure you look after yourself x