Surrogacy expensive

[Jodifer10]

My message pretty much is do all surrogates have to be paid so much money? Is there any surrogates who are happy to help desperate parents. Me and my partner can afford another child we just simply cannot afford the type of ivf we need or surrogacy fees. I have a child who is 10 desperate for a sibling :( cries and talks about it all the time! My partner on the other hand he has none :( I don't have any tubes due to them needing to be taken away and he has poor swimmers. We are at our wits end so bad that it's just dragging us down all of us when we are so desperate to have a baby, a baby we can call ours. He treats my daughter like she is his own but longing for your own to have a newborn baby and to do the first is a desperate thing for him. Me I was so young when I had my daughter and not with the right person either this time it would be! Both working, drive, house engaged and have so much love for another child. I've come on here for help for some answers maybe I won't get any and this is just to get it off my chest I feel like im hitting a brick wall with no where to turn i don't want to give up on being able to have another baby 😪

[HoneysuckIejasmine]

Well, surrogacy for money isn't legal in this country, you're looking a legitimate expenses only. But then, asking a woman to risk her life for you is rightly an expensive endeavour.

Can you find a private IVF clinic that will do a payment plan? I assume you don't qualify for NHS because you already have a child.

[Snookie00]

I don’t think mumsnet is the right place for you. It’s pretty anti-surrogacy for many entirely valid reasons.

One thing that I would pick up on from your post is you saying that your daughter is crying and talking about it all the time. That is worrying and certainly not healthy for a child to be like that. Do you think she’s picking up on your strong emotions about this? You may want to consider how you approach the topic with her as it’s unlikely that you’ll find a woman who will give you her baby especially when you’re not even able to pay her expenses for going through 9 months of massive upheaval.

[ArcheryAnnie]

I think that possibly the kind of help you need, OP, is not help with surrogacy, but a little bit of help in managing your family's distress about this whole issue.

It really isn't usual for a ten-year-old to be crying for a sibling - I would suggest that she's picked up on the distress from you and your partner, and I think it might be time to first manage your daughter's distress, and put her needs first, rather than focus so heavily on a child who does not yet exist.

[NiceGerbil]

I would also say that DD crying over it is not normal and you need to address that first.

She may not get on with a sibling. It's a big age gap. Where has she got this from?

[Poppins2016]

I agree with PPs regarding your DD. And it might well be worth seeing a counsellor to process some of what you're feeling, it must be very hard.

Keep an eye on BPAS: www.bpas.org/more-services-information/bpas-fertility/
They're intending to offer not-for-profit fertility services starting in Autumn 2021.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

My DD was very keen on a sibling but we treated it in a very matter of fact way and she got over it.

Are you including her in adult conversations about this? If so, please stop.

[CupOfTeaAlonePlease]

OP are you hoping someone will read this and offer to be your surrogate? I feel like you're not clear on what that really entails.

I agree with PPs. You shouldn't be discussing family planning with your 10 year old.

By allowing yourself to be 'dragged down' by this, you're also sending DD10 a very clear message that she is not enough for you.

Your partner presumably chose to be with you knowing you could no longer carry a baby, on some level he must have accepted that he might not have a biological child as a result. I find it strange he is placing this pressure on you now.

[Snookie00]

I feel very sorry for a 10 year old who is caught up in her mum and stepdads angst about not having “their own” baby. Must make the child feel so inadequate.

[2021isalsorubbish]

So adopt?

[VodselForDinner]

I know how you feel, OP.

I’ve been crying over the new BMW 8 Series coupe but I just can’t afford it. I really, really want it though.

I already have a 5 series BWM and it feels the same. It really wants an 8.

My husband has never had any type of BMW, so I just want him to have one for cheap, you know?

Anyway, serious advice:

You’re not going to be able to change the system. Surrogacy costs so much because of the huge amount of scientific, medical, and manual intervention it takes.

You need to address your daughter’s issues. I’d start by not involving her in very adult conversations between you and your boyfriend.

[netstaller]

If you can't afford the fees for it to happen ethically, you can't afford it. Perhaps look into counselling or adoption to help you get past the issue. I mean this kindly - You already have one amazing daughter, try and be grateful for that rather than focusing on what you can't have.

[IHaveBrilloHair]

Your daughter crying over it has no doubt come from you.
The way you've described it, the child you already have is unhappy because you're not happy with just her.
You need counselling, for all of you, not to hire a womb.

[IthinkIm]

Your DD needs some kind words, that's unusual behaviour and she's probably picking it up from you.

[Soontobe60]

@netstaller

If you can't afford the fees for it to happen ethically, you can't afford it. Perhaps look into counselling or adoption to help you get past the issue. I mean this kindly - You already have one amazing daughter, try and be grateful for that rather than focusing on what you can't have.

Sorry, but there’s nothing ethical about buying a baby.

[FelicityPike]

If your partner has “poor swimmers”, how do you expect the surrogate to get pregnant if you can’t afford IVF for her?

[IDontMindMarmite]

OP, many mumsnetters think that surrogacy is unethical (as do I) so you're not likely to get lots of sympathy for the cost of it.

I'd recommend therapy to help you deal with the grief and try to stop your child from picking up so strongly on your feelings.

[KevinTheBird]

If you can’t afford IVF you absolutely cannot afford to even have a surrogate who wishes to do it out of goodwill. You would still need to pay for all the time she misses from work, counselling and any additional surgery she may need before or after birth.

I know pregnancy is an emotive topic but surely you can see that you can’t expect a woman to get pregnant for you and then hand over her tiny baby? Not being able to afford the cost of her expenses is pretty irrelevant. Surrogacy, particularly paid surrogacy is morally repugnant.

Focus on the child you have. Tell her she is enough. It is unusual for a 10 year old to be crying for a sibling so you should definitely get that investigates. Once you’re sure that your daughter is happy and stable, if you still feel desperate for a child then look further into IVF. I don’t know what surrogacy costs you were looking at but they are all much, much higher than IVF costs.

[SmidgenofaPigeon]

Ah pull the other one!

Even if this had any basis in reality, your husband has slow swimmers, how is he going to get another woman up the duff? Your daughter crying about not having a sibling is 100% a projection from you.

[Souther]

I think IVF would be the better option. It's much cheaper for you.
But if you cant afford it then there isnt much else you can do.

[Level75]

We have a DD (7) and can't have another child. From as young as she would understand we told DD she wouldn't have a sibling and explained the reasons. As a consequence she's just accepted it and has never once asked us about it. I know some kids are more interested in siblings than others but it's your responsibility to manage her expectations.
I know you won't want to hear this, but as someone who really struggled to have even one child you're not doing badly.

[TripleSeptic]

What's the type of IVF you need? Would this be for you to carry the baby?

How would you propose the surrogate get pregnant?

I'm just wondering how much you would expect the surrogate to bring to the party, as well as carrying the child for 9 months? Would you ask for her egg, and use your partner's semen? Or is it too slow to use?

You seem to have a lot of obstacles to overcome, what's the easiest way to do it?

[DragonPoop]

I also know how you feel OP
Me and my husband currently rent a flat but we both really want a 6 bedroom house with a big garden and a swimming pool. We both are so so so desperate for it but just can’t afford it.

[Bekilted]

You want another woman to risk her life and health to be an incubator for (cheap) hire for you because you think it's a right to have children? Astounding.

[Laaaaa]

Have you considered adoption?