What classes as a good reason to become a surrogate?

[scottishgirl98]

I'm 22 with a 2 y/o and a husband. We are planning on having another in the next year and then after that my partner and I have both agreed that that will be enough for us in order to live comfortably from a financial perspective. After that however (obviously a few years down the line) I've been looking into the option of being a surrogate (provided all goes well with our second) so somebody else can experience the joy (and occasional misery) of parenthood for themselves if they want it. My husband says its my body, my choice and he'll support me whatever I decide (he's very supportive in general, his only request was that we have a second child first as he desperately wants another one). I wouldn't be looking for anything in ways of financial payment as I know thats illegal in the UK and we are comfortable anyway (not super wealthy but we always manage to make ends meet, both in secure civil service jobs). When I look at the surrogacy websites it just says you should have "altruistic motivations" which might as well be another foreign language to me. I had a relatively easy pregnancy with my first so maybe I'm going into this not fully understand what a difficult hard pregnancy could potentially be, and my heart goes out to those unable to conceive and I would love to give them a child to call their own but I don't know if that counts as altruistic. I also know some of my family members wouldn't be very supportive but they're not supportive with a lot of things I do so I am used to that. I'm just looking for advice on how people knew that being a surrogate was right for them.

Also just going to leave this here https://people.com/human-interest/california-mom-of-two-surrogate-dies-giving-birth/

Yes - we had several discussions about the possibility of abortion as we developed our agreement to check that we were aligned. This included the potential for termination in relation to different disability diagnoses and in relation to my health. We also discussed the timescales for termination ie would our perspectives change depending on the length of the pregnancy. We all accepted that any decision either way would be mine as the surrogate, but that we would make all best endeavours to make a joint team decision - similar to how a couple would approach a similar decision ie make every effort to agree but ultimately it is the pregnant woman’s decision. It was a very sobering conversation but absolutely vital to have it upfront ahead of commencing any medical treatment.

@OhHolyJesus I don’t think a surrogacy agreement is usually referred to as a contract? I have never heard it described as such in real life, only on these forums. (Clearly it is different in countries where commercial surrogacy is legal.)

OhHolyJesus

I'll tell you what I can... If she had an abortion, do you mean?

I never felt entitled to what she was doing and yes her life had to come first. I would certainly have wanted her to do whatever she needed to do. You may not believe that but it's true. There was no element of ownership of her and not of the baby until afterwards (although my DP as biological father was always going to be part of the picture so there's that to bear in mind). I think she'd have been more likely to fly to the moon than have an abortion but if she had done that, there would have been a very good reason for it and she would have needed to. No one owed us anything, at any time.

I don't think there's a cast iron defence for altruistic surrogacy. I just know that we did it, it was not something that anyone involved regrets and my daughter is the most joyful and gifted person I know. From the moment I held her it has been easy and she was always settled and knew who mummy was incredibly fast. Our surrogate had played lots of tapes to her tummy but it's hard to believe that works. We did the 4th trimester thing and took life as it came. She was always very clever and very calm. Our surrogate was delighted to get home to her children after a night away from them and laughed at the midwife who asked if she was grieving. She cried when she saw us all together and said that was the moment she'd been waiting for. That's how it was for us. I can't tell you any more what ifs because they didn't happen and you're right, they could have, and we all went through with it regardless.

Yes, sorry if I wasn't clear, I meant if she had an abortion, would the friendship you had built up survived? Have I misunderstood, were you friends before or did you find her through a surrogacy agency? As she has done it twice since as you say I'm guessing it is through an agency.

If the arrangement (not a contracted arrangement) was made through an agency and she terminated the pregnancy I can't see why you would be in touch beyond that happening and any friendship you had built up (as this is encouraged through agencies in the U.K. generally, Surrogacy UK do anyway) would be terminated along with the termination surely? She would have failed to keep her side of the bargain and you don't have the surrogacy in common. Wouldn't you have been bitter and angry at her decision, despite knowing she has body autonomy, wouldn't there be part of you that saw the baby as yours?

As she has gone on to have two more surrogate pregnancies I don't think we can assume that she is doing it for truly altruistic reasons, and it's feasible to me that she has deeper reasons, perhaps filling a void, perhaps she is addicted...I've seen both scenarios discussed by surrogate mothers.

(Susan A Ring author of Unexpected Mother, spoke about being a people pleaser and wanting to be immediately pregnant again as soon as she had given birth. I have seen similar language translated in Ukraine documentaries.)

Or she might be so separated from her own body that she sees herself as the vehicle they arrive in, like some kind of portal to their life, and not as a person with an emotional connection to them. Some women do it so many times I think their value as a person comes from being pregnant and giving other people babies.

Is it worth it for you to risk leaving your children motherless to give someone else a child?

As she has gone on to have two more surrogate pregnancies I don't think we can assume that she is doing it for truly altruistic reasons

Because no one could be that kind? If you enjoy being pregnant and the whole process, perhaps it's not as difficult as you're imagining. No, it wasn't through an agency. A lot of your assumptions show how little you know about what actually happens and what surrogates are like, in the nicest possible way. For every DM "I've had ten babies and on my eleventh" there are lots of very measured people who have had 2-3 journeys-that is the norm, not the DM extreme end of the spectrum.

I've explained how we would have dealt with a termination as honestly as I can and you've dismissed it and made assumptions about my emotions. I've explained the surrogate's perspective (she is a very balanced happy person with a very full life) but think you know better than that too. You have a right to your opinion but as you've no real interest in anyone else's, I'm not going to repeat myself again as you clearly think you know better, even when it comes to the private thoughts of strangers. But you clearly know little about the realities of independent surrogacy in the UK. As if they all use "agencies"...

Perhaps go and really try to understand, take an opposing view and be upfront about it, or steer clear altogether. Otherwise you're wasting everyone's time. I'm not going to pretend that I'm very interested in your views. I know all I need to know from a personal perspective and we certainly did everything from a responsible and well-informed perspective with the people involved in our journey.

Because no one would be that kind?
I don't think it's kindness, not to the babies it's not.

2-3 journeys, that is the norm
According to you, I think there are likely many stories out there we don't hear about. Ones that don't end well. I don't think it's 'normal' to have babies (or any baby) and keep giving them away. We know about some of the deaths, but the ones that end in miscarriage and the friendships break down, leaving the SM grieving the loss of both, or the ones who regret it but it's too late as she's already pregnant. And there are some where the women lie about being pregnant to extort money, or the CPs who exploit young women - note the age of the SM in this article, and the reasons why it didn't work out (according to the CPs, the SM isn't interviewed).

www.devonlive.com/news/devon-news/surrogacy-rollercoaster-endured-same-sex-4204574

I said that I guessed it was through an agency, thank you for clarifying that and making it clear it wasn't. I hope the woman who is the surrogate mother to your daughter isn't struggling in any way. I don't think we should assume she is doing it for 'altruistic' reasons because she's had a handful of sessions to assess her mental stability to assure commissioning parents she is able to give the baby away. That's not a deep dive into her childhood etc (and she could lie to a therapist who is there for one reason only and it's not about her.)

I have been reading a lot actually, from both sides of the argument (for and against, commercial and altruistic) for almost two years. Legal documents and cases, obviously the 150+ page consultation document from the law commission, the APPG minutes on surrogacy reform and lots of international information on how other countries deal with surrogacy including those who have banned it. I've just finished reading Renate Klein's book Surrogacy: A Human Rights Violation. I find it useful to read around the subject and not rely on the DM or womens magazines fluffy, "isn't it the greatest gift" type stories to get to the real stories. I've also seen many pro-surrogacy you tube videos from CPs and SMS, you'd be surprised how the baby or pregnancy is referred to, as if it's an abstract thing or the baby isn't an actual person.

I ask questions to learn more, and to get hear other people's views and experiences. Don't assume because someone disagrees with you they know less than you.

There's lot to learn from this board alone.
@scottishgirl98 might be interested to read this too

https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/surrogacy/2188488-surrogacy-has-gone-wrong?messages=100&pg=1

Hi, I am not sure if this thread is still active but my husband and I are considering surrogacy! We are not really sure where to start, any advice would be appreciated! Thanks! X