How on earth do I just embrace the inevitable aging process?!

[Lemoncellohello]

Because I'm becoming really self critical and it's seriously getting me down 😑

It's actually turning into a bit of an obsession. I'm late 30's, so am bound to be showing the normal signs of aging, but I keep looking at myself in the mirror, pulling my skin up and then no doubt letting out a big sigh.

I hate my under eyes. I hate how flat my hair has become. I hate my marionette lines and general sagginess.

My goodness, I took for granted my younger years! I used to get loads if compliments, but now I feel completely invisible.

I hope this doesn't make me sound vain. I just really want to stop thinking about it!

How do I??...

This is me. I quite honestly don't give a fuck. My DM spent her entire life trying to stay young and appealing to men, it was really sad, that still in her 80's and 90's she was flirting with the men, still dying her hair, and spending thousands on her teeth. Her whole self esteem came from attention from others. Really, really, sad. She was an incredibly beautiful young woman, who became an incredibly sad and bitter old lady.

Me, in my mid 50's, I stopped wearing make-up about 15 years ago, stopped highlighting my hair 5 years ago, it is now bright white. I have never stopped wearing bikini's on holiday, and let it all hang out. I try to have good haircuts, although my hair is really fine, but then it always has been. I try to dress nicely, with a small wardrobe of not designer, but middle of the road basics that last.

I am completely at peace and content. So, so, much happier than my DM ever was.

I really can't get my head around someone aged 39 saying this.

Sorry!

You are still incredibly young.

My DD is slightly younger than you and still gets ID'd (as in looking under 25.)

I have friends in their 50s and 60s who could easily pass for 10 years younger.

Maybe you are not seeing yourself as you really are?

IME looks are often an indication of lifestyle.

You need to really take care of your diet, (refined sugar destroys skin's collagen) cut out booze (except for a treat), use SPF 50 every single day, and get plenty of sleep.

Depending on what you don't like about your face, sagging is often down to loss of collagen, or weight loss / weight gain - wrinkles, uneven pigmentation and sagging are caused by UV rays.

If you don't use a high SPF daily, start now!

It’s especially rubbish when you’re single in your late 30s/early 40s! Men our age are still getting together with 27 year olds!

You do seem to be focusing on how you look in the eyes of men. Think about why that matters to you. What beliefs have you developed through your life and are they really true and useful to you these days?

I think generally do the best you can with what you've got, good food, good skincare, nice clothes and hair. Then get on with life.

You have outlived 95% of all people who have ever lived. You are so fortunate to be alive and healthy and living without persecution . Try to find things in your life that make you appreciate your age and wisdom.

I'm 42.. Used to be gorgeous (humble brag) now i dont turn heads anymore and it's Ok.

I have stopped identifying with my physical body too much, and concentrate on other things in this life like loving myself, my family, nature and doing my best to work for a better future (concentrate on global issues in my job )

If you are a woman who has received a lot of attention and been told often that she's beautiful, I can guarantee you don't need to be resigned to being invisible by your late 30s, or even much later than that. (Unless you want to of course, which it seems you don't!)
A bit of facial wrinkling and sagging will not render you old, unattractive looking or invisible. I expect you're actually none of those things, but if you are, it'll likely be a whole package thing rather than some signs of facial aging.
What are you wearing lately? Have you adopted a safe uniform?
Has your body shape changed in a way you dislike? Would a diet and excercise overhaul help?
What's going on with your hair? Can you zoosh it up with a restyle/colour/a few extensions for thickness?

I am older than you at 50, but have been really surprised the last few years how much I hate looking older. I have never thought of myself as vain and have been fairly low maintenance with very little make up etc I have now gone down the Botox and fillers route and plan to do that for a few years though probably not forever. I love it and no one has guessed as I think no one would ever thought I would be a likely candidate for that. If you had told me only 2 years ago I would have had Botox, I would have laughed.

Some really interesting posts.

Thinking about it, I suppose I put too much value on how I looked because I didn't really feel that confident in other areas. Tbh, I didn't feel that confident physically either, it's just that people often would tell me I was attractive. I've always had confidence issues, inside and out.

As pp have said, attractiveness really is more than what you see on the outside and I know this. When I think about the people who I find attractive, it's those with charm, charisma, humour and intelligence who I find the most attractive.

I know I need to work on myself, but I just don't know where to start!

I always thought I would embrace ageing - but that's because in my head I was going to age like Helen Mirren. However, it's turned out more like Les Dawson. It's a work in progress.

A lot of it is genetics.

I've had good results with retinol but I'm getting my 11s noticed tomorrow. I'm 45.

Wear tinted moisturiser and smile when you look in the mirror. Wear clothes you love and feel good in. A good haircut.
Being invisible means you are dressing for yourself, and it’s very freeing.

I really relate to this! I was beautiful. I'm now invisible, but I'm maybe only invisible to the lechy types who made it obvious they noticed me. Maybe we're both getting noticed by the non-lechy types who don't stare/whistle etc.

I had a few years of really struggling with losing my looks and youth, but I feel ok about it at the moment. I think this is for a few reasons;

• being invisible has its advantages. I feel safer. I had some awful experiences with perves when I was younger and it's nice to not have to worry about it as much.
• I now focus less on my face and more on my clothes and style. I've found I really enjoy choosing lovely clothes, cashmeres, beautiful nail polishes, nice jewellery etc (all second-hand as I'm on a budget). I definitely focus more on style now.
• If you want a facelift or fillers, go for it, no matter how many people on Mumsnet will tell you not to. But even if you do this, there probably needs to be some kind of acceptance about other parts of ageing, and that will take a bit of working on.
• I have got a pinterest board with images of beautiful older women. That's been inspiring for me, because in the media we're used to being shown young and beautiful people. It's helpful to see the beauty in age as well.
• moving to the countryside and living a different lifestyle has also helped to change my mindset. Out here we walk our dogs, go to the local pub in our wellies, hardly ever wear makeup, and don't really notice what we all look like as much.

I hope some of these thoughts help. Just from someone who's been through this. It weighed me down every day for quite a while.

You're hopefully only about halfway through your life.
If you're criticising your own appearance and hating on yourself already, how are you going to be happy?!
Be at peace with yourself and your unique look and how it changes through your time on earth. Your nearest and dearest look at your face every day and love it and feel happy when they see it, why can't you do the same?
You deserve that at least, we all do!

'I have stopped trying to look beautiful and now aim for healthy and relaxed, interesting and imaginative. People like Prue Leith manage to look great and she is embracing of herself without resorting to all the fake surgery etc.'

Such a good point. Prue Leith looks great, and also looks her age. I love how much she embraces colour, and clearly adores orange lipstick even if she doesn't have straight perfect teeth. I am vain as hell but spend much more time on health and fitness than I do on cosmetic stuff. The price of Botox makes me 😱

Oooff. I dont know how I can say this kindly.

A friend of mine died this week just 42 of a vicious cancer.
Another friend - they were mutual friends and lived together at one point - died 2 months before her aged 41 also of a vile cancer.

They were both stunning to me because of the joy and lust for life they had.
One was quite into fashion, make up less so, the other didnt care about either at all and was an outdoorsy person. no make up or much skin care. shock horror, she had some eye bags and even -gasp - the odd blackhead. who cares.
she had an amazing smile and bright blue eyes.

Both were beautiful

I wish they were still here.
They would have LOVED to have made it to 80 or 6o or even to 45 ages thatr you are are probably thinking 'ewww, gross, old' about.

I will always be grateful for getting old from now on, because I lost two friends so young.

Read the beauty myth, and take up some interests that enrich and enlarge you.
get more sleep and eat better so you feel good.
enjoy your life and your body and your face. learn to love yourself.

When I was in my early 30’s all I saw when I looked in a mirror was my under eye wrinkles.

I don’t know what happened, but I decided not to pay them so much attention and now I don’t notice them anymore or at least not much and they don’t bother me.

I’m mind 40’s now a feel way more attractive than I was in my 30’s. I look older but I look better. I dress better, my hair is better and I love fitness - strength training and bouldering. I do loads with my kids. I got a dog and a cat. Basically my attention went elsewhere and I’m happier for it.

Helen Mirren has had a couple of facelifts.

They are good and don’t look like she’s had anything done, but she has.

You never know she too might look more Les Dawson without them!

One of my parents died suddenly in their late 30's. I'm coming up to their age now.

Whenever I start feeling a bit insecure about my skin or greys or whatever, I remember that the amazing thing about aging is that I'm still here. The only people who don't get any older are those who've passed away. So bring on the aging.

I was late 30s when my dh took a candid photo of me in the garden.
I was hanging washing out wearing a little sundress & wellies.
I thought it was hideous and that I looked old and demanded he deleted it.

He didn't and now I'm 50 I bloody love that photo!! I look absolutely amazing and it made me realise that I need to appreciate the here and now.
I actually have aged pretty well and I think staying as healthy as I can and positive about how I look really helps.

I think you need to ask yourself why you need men to pay your compliments based on your looks, and why you need to feel desirable to random men to feel good about yourself.

Stop looking to men to validate you! A relationship based on your looks is never going to work long term, they'll soon be looking for a younger model no matter what.

You eventually get to a stage around late 40s/50s where you know there is nothing that doesn’t look ridiculous that can halt the ageing process and you don’t really care any longer and it’s a great feeling. Most people have probably lost at least one person too young to cancer/ other unexpected conditions and you look around and realise everyone is ageing. Then you basically try and keep healthy, average body weigh and grow thankful that you are living in a body that still works.
hope that helps

I'm sorry about your friends @almodovaresque That sort of loss really shocks you.

I'm old (50) and find it really noticeable how little of our lives (if we're lucky enough to live to a decent old age) are taken up by the 'truly young and attractive' years - maybe from 17ish to 30ish? Not saying people over 30 can't be attractive obviously but that really youthful, springy, blemish-free look is very, very specific to a very short bit of your life.

For all their beauty, being young can really suck - it's often the bit of your life when you don't really know yourself, make bad choices, have barely any money or resources, worry constantly about what people think of you, people-please too much, cry in your bedroom because the guy/girl you like doesn't feel the same way...

There are upsides and downsides of being young, upsides and downsides of being older if we're lucky enough to get there. I increasingly think of youthful beauty as the compensation you get for how dreadful it is to be young. It's all just a ride, whatever age you are.

@almodovaresque I get what you're saying, my friend died age 24 of cancer, she'd be the first to suggest botox. I miss her.

I’m early 40s. Have had a little Botox in my 11s and forehead lines. It looks so much better. Have also had invisalign and eyebrow microblading. I’ve worn SPF every day since my early teens, keep out of the sun, I’ve never smoked, drink very little, definitely eat too much sugar, drink plenty of water though.

i look ok!! Maybe a wee bit jowly. Could be slimmer. But ok!! lots of women I know have full face Botox and very obvious fillers. I don’t like it.

Just make the best of yourself that you can with what you have. most of all, just relax and smile. It makes all the difference!!

Have a look at how wonderful Dame Judi Dench looks and then compare it to some of the plastic looks from too much surgery/fillers/Botox. You can age and age beautifully.