How to talk to your child about the sibling who was stillborn

[bikeon]

Hi,

I had two babies and my first was stillborn. She's buried in a cemetery where we used to go often but not so much in the last couple of years (due to relocating).
My son remembers going with us but he didn't really understand and we didn't explain things to him either.
He's bigger now, he's being brought up as an only child. He did have a phase where he was asking for siblings... He's a sensitive child and also has some anxieties around speaking, being relaxed around people he doesn't know very well.

My question is to people in similar situation - how do you talk about it all to your children, how much do you tell them, when...?

Thank you x

How old is he? Tbh if it were me he’d have known all along. My sister lost a baby when my niece was a toddler. He (the baby) has been spoken about ever since. I don’t want to use the word ‘shrine’ because it’s not. But there’s a little table in the living room with his ashes, a photo of him and hand/footprints, a teddy and blanket he was wrapped in. We’ve always called him by his chosen name when we talk about him and we light a candle for him every year. She’s always known she’s had a little brother who was born sleeping. If your son doesn’t remember anything, there’s books on pretty much everything nowadays. I guess you could broach the subject with him that way. How old is he?

My first was two when my second was stillborn. We've been as honest as we felt they could cope with since it happened. Answered questions etc. Three years on, we celebrate her birthday, get her a little gift at Christmas etc etc. Talk about her quite a lot as she's part of the family. Books are really helpful if you're just starting to talk about your baby to their sibling.

My older sister was stillborn and it was never talked about as considered shameful. I only found out overhearing a conversation between my mum and my aunt. I'm sorry and so pleased to see this thread.

My brother was still born when I was 3 years old, in the 70s. In those days it was very much not talked about and so beyond going to see my mother in hospital and her telling me her baby was dead, it was never really mentioned again. In those days it was felt that it was best not to dwell on it and to have another baby asap to help get over it.

I remember going to see her in hospital and tbh it was very upsetting for a small child. My mother and all the family were in pieces and I didn’t really understand enough to know why.

I was very excited about having a sibling and eagerly awaiting my brother arriving and I think very confused about what had happened when there was no baby. Understandably my mother was also grieving and quite traumatised and although I don’t really remember I was aware of a “before” and “after” in terms of how she was. It would have been so good to talk about it, know his name and have a way to remember him. To this day he is nameless 😢

After him my sister was then born 2 years later and to this day she knows nothing really about our brother except the barest fact that he died.

I love my sister but there is such a gulf between us we are not close and I wonder if it is in part caused by there being someone in between us who has been erased from history!

I think just talking to your child is a lovely thing to do and to keep alive the memory of the baby.

I think it can be complex for siblings if you are grieving someone you never met, of whom you never saw a photo, and whose name you don’t even know ..

Our DC1 was stillborn and then we had DC2 who is now 4. DC2 knows they had a sibling, their name etc, visits the cemetery. They talk about the dead baby all the time to the point that I question whether we have told them too much but we talk about DC1 as a part of our lives and I think that is better than pretending they don't exist. It depends on you and your family but for us we talk about DC1 have a picture in our house so DC2 has to know about them. I think that is less jarring than suddenly telling them when they're older that they had another sibling.

Slightly different because dd lived for a while and died as a baby, but her younger siblings know her name and loosely what happened (in simple young child language). We have pictures of her in our house. I would use basic, honest words to talk it though and not be surprised if child(ren) say ok then and keep playing. When ds was 3 he wanted to know exactly where his sibling died - not just in a hospital, but which room (!) which reminded me how children handle these topics differently.