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Stillbirth and neonatal death

Here you can find stillborn bereavement support and stillbirth stories from other Mumsnet users, plus legal rights and support information.

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Original poster

Friends don’t acknowledge anniversary of loss

32 replies

MummaJ201 · 22/03/2024 21:00

Hi
Just after a bit of advice.
We lost a baby at 22 weeks and on the anniversary some friends and family members will send a text etc but my best friend never mentions it.
she may text me on the day but it will be about something completely different.
im not sure if she remembers but just doesn’t want to bring it up or not but it makes me feel like she doesn’t remember at all. It hurts my feelings a lot as she came to the hospital to meet him when he was born and she can’t even tell me she’s thinking of me.
am I mad for feeling this way?
would you bother to reply to the messages? I don’t feel like making small talk

OP posts:

Riverlee · 22/03/2024 21:08

Sorry your loss.

How long ago did it happen?

To be honest, I wouldn’t necessarily think to send a message on this anniversary, or at least not after the first year. It means alot to you, but sorry, it’s not important to other people

FluffMagnet · 22/03/2024 21:09

How long ago was this OP?

In the nicest possible way, this was your loss, not hers, so it will not be playing on her mind in the same way. If she is aware, she may not want to bring it up for fear of further upsetting you. If you want support, please just talk to her.

I'm sorry for your loss. My mum lost a baby at the same time. I know she still thinks about him from time to time (he would be about 27 now I think).

SallyWD · 22/03/2024 21:22

I'm so sorry for your loss. It must have been heartbreaking for you.
Not everyone remembers these dates. I have to say I don't even remember the dates my own loved ones passed. It's not that I don't care. I care very much, but dates don't stick in my mind. I'm sure your friend is aware of all the pain you've been through, even if she's not good at noting the date. Did she offer support when you lost your baby? I think this might be more meaningful.

ButtockUp · 22/03/2024 21:29

It's really difficult to address what you are suffering. Some people find it difficult to deal with it.
When did it happen?

Malarandras · 22/03/2024 21:31

I don’t have experience with stillbirth OP but I do have experience of widowhood and I know how useless people are with death. So it does not surprise me sadly. I hope you are ok, take care of yourself.

TheSnowyOwl · 22/03/2024 21:31

I had a baby die neonatally and I don’t think it’s normal for people to acknowledge that day in the way the mother, and often the father, does.

tillytoodles1 · 22/03/2024 21:35

My friends lost their baby to a cot death when he was three weeks old I always message them to say I'm thinking about them, because I am, even though it was 30+ years ago. I often think of him and what his life would have been like as he was born just a fortnight before my son, and my boy was just a tiny baby.

GlassCeling · 22/03/2024 21:35

It’s possible she remembers, but not the date. Some people, me included, just aren’t that focused on dates. (For instance, I barely know which month my wedding anniversary is in, let alone which day.) Friends lost twins at 24 weeks when DS was a few months old, and I think of those babies often, and make this clear to our friends by talking about them, but I don’t know the date they died.

StarlightLime · 22/03/2024 21:36

SallyWD · 22/03/2024 21:22

This.

Spirallingdownwards · 22/03/2024 21:37

Sorry for your loss. I had a stillborn child. Noone acknowledges their loss other than my husband. So please don't take it personally. Maybe she does remember but feels she may upset you if she said something that would remind you.

theduchessofspork · 22/03/2024 21:41

I am so sorry for your loss OP.

Realistically your friend just won’t remember - it doesn’t mean she doesn’t care, just that she doesn’t remember the date.

No need to chat if you don’t want to. You can tell her that it’s the anniversary and you feel very low if you’d like her support.

gemloving · 22/03/2024 21:48

Hi OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. My baby was stillborn at 35 weeks in August. I haven't had an anniversary yet but I know some of my friends have saved his birthday in their calendars, just like my other children's birthdays. I haven't had a first anniversary yet but the world moves on, we just don't. We live with our grief forever. Don't take it personally.

Noicant · 22/03/2024 21:49

People don’t always remember. I had an ectopic which I grieved (I know this sounds silly and self indulgent but at the time to me that was a potential baby, it’s not the same as a stillbirth in any way) someone asked me about it months later and I burst into so bing tears, it still affects me years later. I still can’t remember what month it was let alone the actual date. It’s not that they don’t care, let her know what the day means to you x

mitogoshi · 22/03/2024 21:51

How long ago? Remember many people wouldn't want friends texting so it's hard to know what to do. Also apart from the first anniversary, it will be hard for people to remember

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/03/2024 21:55

Sorry for your loss

Never lost a baby but have lost a a husband to suicide and as someone else said not everyone remembers

Many do. But some don't

As it is your loss not theirs

How long ago

ThursdayTomorrow · 22/03/2024 21:59

My dad died 2 years ago. I got lots of cards at the time but I don’t anything on the anniversary of his death.
I think it’s very common for anniversaries of deaths (of babies or adults) not to be remembered except by those immediately connected to the loss.
Perhaps you could mark it yourself in some way OP.

Whackawhacka · 22/03/2024 22:02

I’m so sorry for your loss. I have a friend who had a stillborn baby. I think so often of her and her little girl. The babies name has a lovely meaning and comes up occasionally which particularly makes me think of them both. I couldn’t tell you the date she was born and died though, so I wouldn’t text her on that date.

Sneezingdust · 22/03/2024 22:05

I agree with pp that people either don’t remember - unless perhaps the bureaved person posts annually on social media about it.

And even if they do know, they may not know the person wants to be texted about it.

I texted my childhood best friend once on the day of her older brothers 6th anniversary - his death really affected me too as we grew up together and I’d attended the funeral - and she hadn’t even remembered herself.

Waffleson · 22/03/2024 22:05

She might not remember the date, or she might remember but be unsure whether you want to be reminded. Either way she's clearly a friend who cares about you. If you want her to talk about it you need to communicate this to her. For example you could say: thanks for texting it's a tough day as it's the anniversary of the death.

Ecnerual · 22/03/2024 22:07

I'm sorry about your loss OP.

Our eldest son died as a baby. From the beginning some people have been better than others at remembering his birthday and anniversary, and generally just talking about him and not being super awkward.

I think it is completely normal to feel the way you do, it hurts when it feels like your child is being forgotten.

As time has gone by I have tried to go easier on those who aren't great around the whole death thing.

Could you give your friend the benefit of the doubt, maybe try opening up the conversation by message back mentioning that you're feeling a bit down because it is DC's anniversary. I sometimes think people need permission to talk about these things.

Sending you a hug for your DC's anniversary 💙

hendoop · 22/03/2024 22:13

As others have said- it's your loss not theirs and I wouldn't think about mentioning it or marking the anniversary if I were your friend.

I am sorry for your loss but it is yours, just as I don't expect my friends to mark my father's death anniversary or other loved ones.

IloveAslan · 22/03/2024 22:22

TheSnowyOwl · 22/03/2024 21:31

I had a baby die neonatally and I don’t think it’s normal for people to acknowledge that day in the way the mother, and often the father, does.

I agree, and to be fair I don't acknowledge the anniversary of anyone's death to others, nor do I expect them to acknowledge the anniversary of anyone close to me.

elliejjtiny · 22/03/2024 22:23

So sorry OP. One of my antenatal friends baby was stillborn. Her baby would have been 18 a couple of weeks ago and my ds1 will be 18 in July. My friend's daughter's birthday goes in my diary every year. I always send my friend a message either on her birthday or the date she died. Sometimes I send her a photo of her baby's name and would be age in my diary as I know it means a lot to my friend that I do that.

MadraDunn · 22/03/2024 22:27

I think it's very sad that a close friend wouldn't remember such an important date. A friend of mine lost her baby at 31 weeks and i put flowers on the grave a few times a year and always on his birthday, Christmas etc because it makes my friend happy that her son is remembered.

greenerthanroses · 22/03/2024 22:31

I have also had a very late miscarriage (which is what you had, not a stillbirth: a stillbirth is post-viability, so after 24 weeks) and I think you're being ridiculous. It is a heartbreaking experience but it isn't the same thing as the death of a child (or any other person who drew breath). You personally may never get over it (you also may - I have got over my 18-week miscarriage in a way that I will never get over the deaths of my parents or my closest friend from childhood) but you can't expect other people to treat it as an event in the calendar.

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