I left :(

[mrshibbins]

Sorry - this is incredibly long ...

I've not posted on here for a few months, the reason being that I just couldn't take it any more and I left home, my DP and my SD (9) and it's been an awful awful time

DP and I are trying to work it out but this is hampered - and our relationship has always been hampered - by his child and by his inability to not treat her like she is a precious little toddler to be carried, spoonfed, wrapped in cotton wool and be the centre of daddy's world and for her to behave accordingly

when she WAS a toddler, he did have to rescue her on many occasions from her drunken mother, and I think they have become locked into this pattern, so that she actually needs to be rescued, and he needs to rescue her ...

Flame me all you want, but she is not a very healthy child emotionally and does all she can to get between me and her dad and demands his constant attention as soon as I am with them. I know it's not her fault, because of her upbringing but that doesn't help me - I just can't take it any more.

She is at 9 already totally neurotically attention seeking and already has a massive victim complex in which everyone is mean to her or trying to hurt her and she is terribly ill. in reality she is a terrible bully and even scratches herself to make herself bleed and makes herself fall downstairs to get attention she is having friendship classes at school and nobody will play with her because she is just too bitchy to other kids. i fear for her as a teenager if DP doesn't get this dealt with now. I tell him I think she needs counselling but he won't listen.

I have tried so hard over the last few years to be solid and sensible and be there for her and him, to give her a good example, and to provide the boundaries that DP is seemingly unable to provide her. but she constantly pushes situations where I end up having to tell her off, and then she immediately runs to her daddy to snitch on me and daddy then tells me to leave her alone and that i'm too strict ... while she listens, looking smug

It all got too much, the rows got too much. I started feeling like I hated her. I left at the end of November and for a few weeks our relationship was totally over

But then DP wanted me back. Started coming to see me again. But just for quickies in the daytime - just an hour in bed for sex and off he's gone to pick SD up from school. Not good enough I said. I want proper dates with you. Is that too much to expect?

So ... DP says he and I will have a date on Saturday - first time in a month - and that he has organised a play date for SD with a local girl, but it gets called off for some unspecified reason although I would be surprised if its because SD has been so mean to the girl (I've heard her on many occasions when she thought i wasn't listening and it's not nice). So DP turns up on my doorstep with SD, who has a face like sour milk...

So we go out for a nice walk plus packed lunch along the seafront. SD walks at zimmer frame pace, clinging to her daddy, complaining and moaning and claiming illness, pain, bad legs, you name it. i walk at normal speed (not fast, not slow) and when they have fallen around 50 yards behind i tell them to buck up. DP scolds me and says i must slow down to SD's pace the poor little dear cannot walk any faster. to which i say nonsense i walked her to school for 18 months and i know how fast she walks, and it's a lot faster than that. DP shoots me daggers, picks SD up and carries her, she gloats at me.

i am so irritated i pick up speed. towards the pier i wait for them to catch up. they do. i head across the beach to where we will sit. i look behind me. DP is 10 yards behind. SD is 20 yards behind. she can see both of us clearly. 10 secs later i am sat down. by the time DP reaches me, SD has disappeared and is nowhere to be seen. she has turned around, run off and hidden and will then tearfully claim to have got lost. she has pulled this stunt before and i know her style.

DP immediately become hysterical. shouts his baby has gone. swears at me that it's all my fault because i walk too fast and she cannot keep up. goes running off, cannot find her (suddenly her walking speed has picked up dramatically) and calls the police, who pick her up some minutes later skulking behind a concession ...

cue me being irritated beyond belief, a huge row and DP and SD depart, with DP swearing at me and SD looking smug and being carried again. we have not spoken to each other since....

I can't handle it any more, and think that I really do have to now completely sever all my ties with them

but I am heartbroken. If only DP could get a handle on parenting and not let SD rule the roost and manipulate him we'd have a chance. But he can't and when he does try SD won't do a single thing he tells her. when DP and I do manage to get proper one-one time, it is wonderful and we are wonderful. As soon as SD gets in she cannot even bear to see her dad peck me on the cheek she muscles her way in between us acts up, and if I tell her off (he never does) she immediately bursts into huge hysterical tears and wants daddy to pick her up ...

what do i do ... ? just brush my hands and walk away?

advice please!

yerblurt a good friend has suggested i have a frank and confidential chat with the school again (i've talked to them before to fill them in on the ongoing problems with her mother) as they have expressed a real concern and they have stated that they have the desire and the resources to help her. is this what you would suggest?

i would not conjecture anything with them and stick only to the known facts.

they could then get a child psych in who she could have sessions with and if they are not happy can they insist that DP attends parenting classes?

aSilverLining's apt summary of the situation crystalised a few things.

It has the hallmarks of abuse. Is this a possibility? From when she was living with her mum, perhaps? Were there boyfriends on the scene then? I'm sorry if this seems like scare-mongering but there's such a lot going on in that list. "Just" living with an alcoholic mother might not account for all of it. I've known children of such parents who cope with that without exhibiting any of the stuff this little one is.

It has the hallmarks of a wind-up to me

lick my ring copperjar

WTF? Nice post elenorrigby. You seem to have a talent for vile expressions.

OP - I don't think things are really as odd as you make out, you have certainly escalated your story throughout.

HE SLEEPS WITH HER!!! etc etc.

FGS, my dp sometimes has dsd in our bed if I am away, she is not a mature nine year old and will still sometimes come into our bed at night. There is nothing inappropiate going on.
Also, dsd still needs help bathing, with hair etc and she likes having someone sit and chat with her. Again, not innapropriate, she is still young for her age.
DSD is 9.
Many children do the openmouthed kiss thing when young, it does not mean they have been sexualised.

You seem to be overdramatising things, yes it sounds like the father is over the top with the child, but I do not think that suddenly (now the relationship is over) accusing him of being a paedophile, (and that is exactly what you are implying) is right.
You had a relationship, it didn't work because of issues on both sides, yes the little girl needs support, but not from you.

And sparking an investigation into her relationship with her father is only going to cause harm at this point, she is unsettled, troubled and needs stability, you are not going to help at all.

I really don't think your motivation is entirely honourable.

dittany - you cannot assume that the sexualised behaviour is the fault of the father and that therefore she would be better off with an alcoholic mother. As someone else suggested, it is as likely that the behaviour could originate from contact with a partner of the alcoholic mother (although no doubt you'd prefer your version, as it puts the blame firmly on the father)

I think we all agree that the father's parenting skills leave a lot to be desired, but to jump to the conclusion that the child would be better off with an alcoholic - that is extreme even for you

any chance this thread involves a box room?

But itsmeolord any of those things would be OK in isolation. Put them all together though and it paints a picture that feels uncomfortable to read.
My DD (and DS occasionally) has been known to slide into bed with us but, after a quick cuddle one of us DH takes her back to her own room. I would be the one to assist with hair washing/personal issues in the bathroom, though. That's not a deliberate strategy, just how it is. Can't even remember at what age DH stopped supervising baths. Guess it naturally evolved.
But our DD is not exhibiting any of the disturbed behaviour (and I think that's what it is) that this child is.
Why is the father so defensive towards the OP's contributions now when he presumably has been happy for her to be involved previously?

Or do you mean a laundryroom, Ingles?

Why is that how it is though??

DP was a single parent to dsd for a good while, they are close and he was definitely way ott about putting her first to the detriment of all others, some of that was because of her mothers inability to be a decent mother for a long time. I do thnk the father sounds ott but we are only getting one side of the story and not an accurate one either.

Re read the thread, the op alludes to sexual abue fairly late on and it is all OMG! HAVE JUST HEARD etc etc.
It does not ring true and is a huge coincidence that she starts this thread, then she just happens to be told that her dsd has been in her dads bed a few times since they split, then she just happens to remember open mouthed kisses andso on.

Look at the language that the op uses to describe the dd in her op, its horrid, really nasty, this thread is so not true.

I don't doubt that there is a litle girl who is jealous of dads girlfriend and has some issues but the op really really does not like this girl.

Dear itsmeolord, the story has escalated itself as the day has progressed and my conversations with DP have progressed and all this came out and the row about it with him developed. this in turn made me remember the way SD used to kiss me when i first used to put her to bed (not just open mouthed but with her tongue squirming to get inside my lips - where do you think a child would a child get this from?)

To all - DP is now retracting his earlier statement and saying he does NOT let his DD sleep with him he was just making a point that if he wanted to then he would and nobody should interfere

Clam, since DP left his ex, she has had no other partners that anyone is aware of. If she did, she might have a nicer life be happier and drink less.

I also think she would be better off with mummy. Her mum suffered pnd then the murder of her only brother, and she hit the bottle big time. this was a major issue when SD was a little toddler, but not so much now - her mum is sober for weeks at a time, and then might have a relapse that lasts a day or two - but SD is now more than capable of getting herself dressed and to school (they've been allowed to walk to that school since year 3) and make herself a sandwich. It's far from ideal, but I honestly think she'd be better off there than with a father who has no idea of what she really needs and is alternately neglecting her while he works all hours in his study, or smothering her wiht mollycoddles when he decides his own needs aren't more important...

Her dad has a career that is all important to him. SD's BM has nothing, no ambition, no family, no job, nothing apart from her DD. She is a weak lady who just cannot quite manage to completely kick the booze, although she does stay sober for weeks, sometimes months at a time.

this is not a wind up copperjar (i don't know who you are) it is a terrible situation about which i am at a complete loss ... other regular posters on this forum know who i am, and will know the difficult history and how hard and for how long i have tried with this little girl and her daddy ...

i don't know who you are either, itsmeolord. i've not posted on here for nearly 2 months now during all the mess. Are you new on the stepmum's forum?

please don't judge me until you've experienced this messy frustrating situation at first hand, and been on the receiving end of it for as long as i have. In a word, shutthefuckup

my relationship with SD has broken down and I have tried so very hard to be a mum to her and to help her but it's been against all odds and over the last few months i was there she was just as vicious to me as she is to her playmates, and i have to tell you it's just soul destroying to have a 9 year old, who you are unable to discipline, talk down to you in such a consistently nasty way, and have to be crowingly better than you at everything, be sided against by both of them, and end up feeling like a speck of shite in your own home ...

I know it's not her fault, she is the product of her parents, but that does NOT HELP ME take it

no itsmeolord, he was not a single parent. SD was stll living mainly with her mum when i came on the scene. and only a few days here and there with her dad as he was often away on business. it was all very chaotic. only after i moved in, around six months later, did he get custody.

some people just have to look for a conspiracy theory or wind up. this is not one.

i asked which room the sd slept in....it was early on in this thread this morning.....i was kind of thinking along the lines of a boxroom also!!

IloveTIFFANY

before we moved to a bigger place SD had a bed in DPs study whenever she stayed there, as he only had a one bedroom flat. But she refused to sleep in it and would only sleep in her dad's bed. so i made him move his desk into the livng room, and turned the study into a proper pink and flowery little girls bedroom. it was a nightmare getting her to stay in there even then, she's try every trick in the book, even claiming nightmares before her eyes were even shut. i had to get into bed with her for up to an hour each night and then sneak out. but after a month or two there was no more problems. when she stays at her mum's she still sleeps in her mum's bed. at the new place she has an amazing bedroom with her own junior wardrobe, her own making table, desk, lovely rugs, bunting, loads of stuffed toys and pretty things. I spent ages making it wonderful for her.

oh, and it's a double bedroom not a box room. why did you think it was a box room by the way?

from previous threads

well sounds like she's been so spoilt that she's got everyone where she wants them. its not healthy,indulging like that. but guess thats obvious

I also think that the combination of over-possessive father and a child acting out to this extent (self-harm, bullying, etc) suggests something seriously wrong that needs outside intervention.
Given that the school have expressed concern to you MrsH, express concern right back and tell them that you do think they should investigate further as there is something very not right about this situation.

I don't read the same as some posters.

I see someone angry (probably reasonably so), I see an interpretation being put on every action now, after the event.

I see someone who doesn't really like her DSD, for a variety of reasons (not saying invalid).

Some of the information is hearsay and others seems to me to be from heat of the moment comments.

I know mrshibbins is a long time poster here, and not a troll.

My recommendation to OP is please take a few days to think over things before making the decision about contacting officialdom. So things are in the cold light, rather than heated moment.

A lot of the behaviour can have different explanations. Some I don't think is right, but doesn't necessarily mean abuse.

No I am not new to this forum. How about you "shutthefuckup" instead.

You are full of bull lady. A child is not better off with an alchoholic based on your naeive assumptions that it will be ok because she can dress herself now.
Fucking ridiculous.

Funny how it all developed during the course of the day during conversations with your ex with whom you had had a huge row with.

I don't think this poster is a troll as such, but I don';t believe she is truthful about her own motivations or feelings for this little girl.
In fact, I believe that part of the reason she thinks this child should be with her mother is because she wants to hurt her ex and the child that she resents so much.

Your partner would not have got residency (its not called custody anymore) on the back of you moving in after only 6 months.
A change of residency is a long drawn out process and the courts as well as ss are looking for long term stability.

I have been with my dp for more than 6 yrs and we have lived together for more than 5 yrs, we are currently going through a change of residency. I'm well aware of the processes and requirements.

To add; I have been and am still in a very sticky situation with my dsd, it is in fact, probably muich worse than yours if you really want to play "black cat".

I would never describe or talk about my dsd in the way you talk about this little girl and believe me, my dsd has had and continues to have some very challenging behaviours.
We have had some extremely upsetting incidents but again, I would never dream of describing her the way you describe this child.

Sorry to say this but it come across that you resent this little girl. Your story about walking off and expecting them to catch you up in the beginning makes me think you are just as attention seeking as this 9yr old, however you are an adult.

The child in question sounds like she has been through a really rough time and needs a lot of support. She is not the OW in between you and your boyfriend.

If you are now seperated I worry about your motives in continuing to be involved in her life (school etc.) I would urge you to think very carefully before you do anything as you may make things worse for this little girl.