Help us regain overnight contact with the kids

[NewAlmostStepMum]

Bit of a long story, but we really need some advice ASAP!

My partner has two lovely kids who we both adore (they're 3 & 4). His contact with them has increased since we moved in together, and they have been staying overnight with us two nights a week, and every other weekend Fri-Mon AM. Not only has this been great for my partner (and me ), but the kids are obviously benefiting hugely from spending time in a home where they come first. Their mother is lax when it comes to dressing/cleaning/feeding the children and we are constantly dismayed by things such as dirty underwear, neglect of medical conditions e.g. ezcema and the kind of language used in front of the children.

My partner has been fair in paying maintenance since he and ex split, plus she gets all the CB/TC and is living in the 'family home'. However, he has altered the amount of maintenance to reflect the number of nights they now spend with us, and ex has decided that rather than sacrifice the cash, she will just stop us having the children overnight. She believes that we have increased contact with the children to lower the maintenance payments- no mention of love, our wish to spend time with the kids, or any consideration of the children's wishes/needs etc AT ALL She has 'offered'that we can take the children out, or to our house, on the two evenings a week, but that we have to take them back to hers for bedtime. This is nonsense and means our quality time with the children will mainly be spent in traffic and explaining why the routine they are used to has changed.

Cut a long story short- how can we stop her doing this? She has demanded that we see her in court, and things were going down that route anyway, but we can't wait for months to sort this out. Is there some kind of order we can apply for in the meantime? My partner has 50% PR and we are able to offer a stable environment, routine etc. She is now quoting that we are unable to get the oldest to school on time, and that this is the reason for the change, but it's not true- it's all over the £24 loss to her pocket. Please help/advise, we're so miserable over this.

Oh, and if they have only spent 6 nights staying over it is hardly an established routine. No court would agree that. They are 3 years and 4 years old.

It's not clear to me whether there was any discussion with her or not, I did ask the question earlier. Either way it's simply not on to reduce the amount of time the children are with their Dad - like you say they are the ones affected by that.

And I can't see where he's tried to "get his own way". All he's done is pay a bit less so that, presumably (and we could do with the op clarifying some things here) so that he can spend that money on the children when they are with him. Its just how he's gone about it has stirred up a whole hornets nest.

I totally agree, avoid court if you possibly can. But there does come a time when it's actually worth going to court if it means you can have regular, decent contact with your child. The benefits they would have from that would far outweigh any effect the court process would have on them. And what happens when the child grows up and asks why you didn't bother to get a contact order.

What happens when the children are older and ask why dad took mum to court because he stopped paying £12.50 to mum without any discussion or warning and accused her of domestic violence? -

I work with emotionally damaged children and have never heard "why did you not bother to drag mum through the courts to get a contact order"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is no need for a contact order as she is NOT withdrawing contact!!

Sorry but I have found this too emotive, as a parent myself i would willingly pay £12.50 a month to ensure my children would never have to go through this, finding this using of children as pawns horrid, will bow out.

Hang on, he hasn't accused her of domestic violence! And NASM hasn't said they're going to take her to court - it's what others have suggested as a possible action they could take.

And while she isn't stopping it completely, she is reducing it. And that's not on.

It was me who mentioned DV - and I'm very sorry if you found that upsetting, littlemoominmamma. There are many definitions out there, but most centre around the concept of one person controlling the other with violence, threats - and refusing to allow contact with children in order to control a partner is recognised as a form of that kind of abuse.

I dare say I find it emotive, too, as this is exactly what happened to my partner - along with physical and mental abuse of other kinds.

However, I can't agree that the OP or her partner are using the children as pawns, and I don't think it is unreasonable that they should wish to keep the children's money to spend on the children. I'm sure if they felt that Mum would be reasonable and that the £12 would be enough to keep her sweet they could find it somewhere - but in my experience blackmailers and bullies don't back down if you give into them, they get worse.

mmred - I think both sides are being unreasonable - mum and dad - children have this in-built need to love both mum and dad (whatever they get up to) and can not cope with conflict between them, it affects them for a long, long time.

Very true, littlemoominmamma. So the OP has to make a decision that will cause the least conflict over the years. IME a court order can reduce conflict as it reduces the opportunities for abuse - but that is not always the case, I'm sure.

Hi everyone

Firstly, this was discussed with DPs ex, her response was that he was making it up and that she is entitled to as much maintenance as she needs, not as is stated. This is why we were advised to use CSA and they explained the situtation again. It was at this point she withdrew overnight contact and demanded we see her in court. We haven't been able to sort out a single issue through talking with her, even the most minor things, as she immediately starts shouting and appropriating blame. This culminated in her shouting at the kids 'that's right, you f**k off to evil Stepmom's house'. She has threatened me with a court order to stop me seeing the kids and is just completely unreasonable. The withdrawal of contact has also been threatened several times and we have jumped through hoops to keep her happy.

Having said that, my DP doesn't earn a great deal and we are doing our best to give the children everything they need (and I do mean NEED, not luxuries) whilst finding money for solicitors and the like. DPs ex, on the other hand, receives more per month in benefits than DP does in income, doesn't declare all her working hours and is significantly better off than DP. She spend money on toys and sweets for the kids all the time, and dresses DSD in new clothes almost every time we see her, whilst DSS gets nothing. We are expected to pick up the bill for necessities whilst she visits tanning salons, takes taxis everywhere and spends vast sums on alchohol.

I've not mentioned DV and I don't believe that is the case. However, when a 3 year olds first words on entering the house are 'can we have a bath please?' (at 4pm), I find that worrying.

We don't want to go to court and have the months of arguing and uncertainty, and certainly don't want to put the children through any more (we NEVER criticise their mother in front of them). However, this does seem the only way to stop her moving the goalposts. She has agreed to mediation in the meantime, so hopefully something will come of that.

And just to clarify, it's never ever been about the money, it is about giving the children the best possible home situation and we believe that that means overnights with Dad

Thanks Mrsjammi and others for all the good advice.

I think we're getting somewhere. She's agreed to go back to the o/ns if we continue to pay the higher level of maintenance. Still feels like she's selling time with the children, but we're going to do this and have a long established routine once we get to court.

Will encourage DP to join FNF

Thanks

NASM pay the maintenance she wants for now. Build up the time the children are in a shared care arrangments for a least 6 months or preferably more. Status quo is everything in the family courts. Once the shared care arrangemtn has been in place for 6-12 months then go to court for shared residence and 50:50 parenting time.
In the meantime keep a diary of everything regarding the children as evidence for court. Build up the audio evidence also. It will not go well for her, if evidence is presented that she is selling dad time with the kids.

If you want more advice Im sure FNF or yerblurt(my DP) would be able to help!

Good Luck.