fight at the dinner table in front of MIL....

[Nickinha]

How do I handle what happened yesterday? We are sitting at the table with in-laws having lunch. I ask my skid (13) to please pass the xxx, she grabs one with her hand and offers it to me. I look at her with total disgust and ask her what she thinks she is doing... her answer "whats your problem, my hands are clean!!!!!!!"

Her father did not notice this happening, so I tell him... next minute he is shouting at the girl, the MIL is in tears cause no one must speak to the poor girl like that cause the poor thing has no mother blah blah blah, the skid is in tears... one hell of a situation.

Anyway, afterwards, the MIL is pissed off with me for "causing" the scene and my husband feels so bad at yelling at her he cant do enough to suck up to her. SHE on the other hand is walking around with this evil grin as if to say, ha ha you lost this fight!!!!! I tried just ignoring her the rest of the day, but she keeps coming to me to talk or ask questions (does not get the hint) and my husband tells me to be nice to her!!!!!!!! arrrgghhh, so frustrated. This is not just something i cope with for the weekend, she lives with us cause her mother's social life cant handle raising a child! What do I do???? I am going to end up hating this girl.

Well I guess it is obvious to me now that I am the one who has to be the role model and peace maker. I dont quite know where to start with her, but I guess taking it one day at a time is the way forward. Your advice is good TC, When she behaves like that I should rather walk away telling her why I am doing that or send her to her room. Wish me luck everyone - this is really going to be quite a mission for me....

Thank you all so much for the wise words.

i wish you all my deepest heartfelt love and luck babes.
It isn't going to be easy, but keep thinking of the end goal.
Perhaps introduce a pocket money scheme idea. When she is lovely round the house she gets £1 a day for example but everytime she is rude she get 10p taken away. Would that work maybe? Discuss with her first what and why you are doing it oif you do.

Have a chat to her anyway, talk to her about how you are finding it hard and understand that she is too, that you want to make things better so will be changing the way thigs are around the house, that there will be bad days but hopefully more good days. Suggest some quality time together and put a date on the calender for it, even if it is just nail painting or a DVD of her choice, make a plan and stick to it. Learn to like each other.

this is a project, it does have to be worked at and it will be ard and take tim,e, but, like i said, keep focusing on that end reult, a more peaceful, loving, calm home.

Use mumsnet to scream when you have bad days and make sure you share the good moments too.

I was a bitch of a 13 year old, and 14 and 15 and 16, but look at me now, LOL!!!!!!! I have a great, really close relationship with my dad, my mum and my stepfather. i mean ADORE them all, and my step broher and step sister, it was not always that way but it can't be touched now.

Thinking of you.
You can do this girl.
TC xxx

Yes good luck Nickinha. There have been some great posts on this I have nothing to add, really, except to say I have a teenage ds-s, there are things that get my goat from time to time but I do love him, he knows it, and it is much better and happier for all concerned to deal with these things with infinite love and patience, to the best of your ability. The alternative only makes for misery, including for the step-mum! Also you are the adult in charge here, ignoring and giving the evils are less productive than having a talk .. Sounds like you are doing a great job, carry on, don't be discouraged by the odd row, remember family dynamics can be fraught, and if d-ss was your biological daughter you'd still have clashes. Hope to hear how you get on. I was a horrid 13-y-old too, such a worry to my mum, I had no reason to be and I wish I could undo it.

Thanx for all your support TC. I introducted the idea of pocket money last month (Her first pay day was a week ago), I thought it would be a nice idea to give her money if she packed the dishes away at night. She felt it was not fair that she had to work and her sister did not. I tried to explain that her sister wont be getting the money like she will. She finally accepted the offer - but not gladly..... I need more patience than you could ever imagine.... Will take you up on the offer to blow off steam on MN though :-)

thank you for the encouragement Ninah, will keep you guys all up to date.

I look forward to hearing your success stories but am here for your screams and your tears too.
I'm rooting for you. TC x

Morning TC, need advice PLEASE! This is all spiralling out of control now and causing friction in the marriage. Last night when I got home from work, the 16yr old sd was at home, we got talking, turns out she was speaking to her grandmother (my MIL) who was bad mouthing me saying I was causing problems etc. etc. etc. ANYWAY, as this has been going on for a couple of years, I felt enough was enough. Usually I just keep quiet cause she is a little old lady and my DH's mother, but last night I phoned her. From past experience I know she always says I said something I did not - so I made sure I had the sd there as a witness to the conversation. I told her to please stop speaking bad about me, I dont appreciate it etc. MIL got straight on the phone to DH in tears saying I was starting bad rumours about her. Last night she came over to our house. She denies ever saying anything bad to sd, said she was lying (I believe sd), then, as predicted, she started on about how I told her on the phone that I am sick of their family etc. etc. DH was very hurt by this, luckily I had sd there as a witness. This old lady lies so much she believes herself now, so it ended where I just told her that unless she stops telling lies, we are not going to get anywhere with this conversation. She stood firm that she was telling the truth and me and sd were lying... Thats how she left... I dont care two #$"! about her - but I hate the way this hurts my DH as he loves his mother very much.

oh bloody hell - what a witch.

hmmm, the teenager / stepD probs were easy compared to this.

What did your DH end up saying, what and who does he believe?

He does not speak about it at all. I think its his way of trying to "stay out of it" and let us sort it out. It would be very hard for him to take sides as he loves us both. But wait, there is more......

Remember how i was on about sd2 yesterday? How I think she has got a discipline problem and everyone else thinks I am the evil stepmother... She went away the whole day yesterday on a school outing. Last night DH went to fetch her, as he pulled up, her teacher flagged him down and asked to speak to him. Turns out she is a problem child at school... speaks to the teachers like rubbish, never does her homework and does not listen when she is told something. (pretty much like at home). I know this is nasty - but in a way I am relieved to see that I am not the only one who thinks there is a problem with this little girl. Bless her though - she brought me a present back from where she went! I cant be ALL that bad if she thought of me.

You will be pleased to know though, I made a concerted effort to ask her how her day was and if she had fun..... (i actually spoke to her)

I never thought for a moment that the problem was just with you, she sounds like a lost child who is troubled and angry with the world. Her feelings of feeling crap, useless abandoned are bound to filter into her school life. you mentioned she'd been bullied at school. Thing is you can only doi what you can do, if she feels loved at home and an important member of the family hopefully her school work / school life will improve as well.

My sisters awful mental problems first showed themselves in her school work, same with my step sister.

Bless your SD for bring ing a gift home, ahhh, see it isn't all bad.

So - onto the MIL, jesus I have no idea hon.
I don't know if I'd take myself on on the suggestion I'm about to make but .. do I want to suggest this?.... would a small bunch of flowers deliveded to her saying 'Let's not argue, can we start again?' or soemthing. Then you've offered an olive branch and tried to put a syop to poointless rowing. Your DH may appreiate the effort and then if his mum is a cow again he can see that you did your best????? Hmmm, not sure how you'll feel about that but all I can come up with rght now, so sorry. She does sound like a right stirring old cow that doesn't deserve the flowers but as you say it's not her it's your DH tou're concerned about.

Thats brillaint Nickinha that she thought to bring you a present. Shows I guess that under all the hormones and upset that she does like you. They are so sweet when d do things like that. Keep up the good work and remember you can always come here and scream when things get bad .

Thank you tarantula

Oh TC - that would be too much (the flowers)... Trying with baby steps here to sort out the inside of our house first. I have however, done the Olive branch thing in the past cause when we fight, she always ends up going to the doctor (near breakdown etc.) She is very dramatic and over reacts like you wont believe... I know its all an act, but again, it affects DH. She is a mean lady TC. She told both sd's that a "friend" saw their mother prostituting in Holland. Firstly, even though I am not to keen on their mother - this is absolute CRAP! So why tell two little girls that????? Imagine how that must stuff them up. What is she going to tell my dd one day? Maybe now is the time to just get her out of my life? But what would the repurcussions be on my marriage....

What, oh yeah - no, bollocks to the flowers, so sorry that I suggested that! A hit man sounds like a much better idea. What an absolute witch from hell!
Oh honey, I don't know what to say, just limit the amount of time she comes round without being obvious and have as little as poss to do with her. Just work on the SD and stay out of MIL's way.
I hate the woman myslef!
There really doesn't sound like there is much else you can do with her

pmsl @ TC, I think as far as MIL is concerned you are right, just speak when spoken too etc. will make sure never to be rude to her though...

OK, so back to sd... lets see how tonight goes - will keep you up to date on any significant progress... wow, this is like seeing a shrink, and it really makes me feel better being able to talk about it.... THANK YOU

Wicked, SO pleased you feel better hon'.

I think that's the best way to deal with the witch.
Perhaps consider seeing a witch doctor about her but other than that ignore, ignore, ignore.
Practice your fixed smile every day in the mirror! Somthing like this - !!!!!

With SD - good luck - she's worth making th effort with (unlike some!).

What's her favourite tea - could you maybe make it tonight for everyone?
and / or
Maybe buy a copy of a girly mag and point out an outfit you think would show off her legs / bring out colour of eyes / look good on her.
and/or
buy a cheapy little nail varnish / lip gloss / something from chemist and say you thought she might like it
and /or
rent a girly chick flick for her and her sister and watch it.

Weekend coming up - ask her if she wants to get her hair done with you / go for a manicure / pop into town for a hour / help you make a cake / wash the car

What I'm getting at is do something to really show her that you are making an effort, make gestures, such as things above, but without making a fuss about them, to prove to her that you want her around, that's she's important and wanted and loved. Get yourselves out of the rut.

TC x

Will cook her favourite tonight - great idea. Will do each of the others every time we have a good day....

Great, but bear in mind that having good days will be helped along by the fact that YOU did something nice for her. At lot of it is about making her feel worth something to you and making her want to please you, and when she does please you the rewards for you both will be huge.

Life with her may never be easy. She may not turn into a sweet natured darling girl but hopefully the rows will not get out of contrrol, she'll stop stealing and it won't lead into other things. She'll stop hating herself and actually learn to like herself and others with your patience and help.

ARRRGGHHH It's the MIL birthday today - I really have NO desire to speak to her! Should I phone her and congratulate her???

How funny, i was thinking of you driving into work today! i thought i must check in and see how she is and up ypou pop in active convos, so glad cos i didn't realise this was in step-parenting and I'd never have found you!

hmmmm, tricky............... can you do it tonight when DH gets in? That way he'll be there and know that you were sweetness and light etc? I presume she got a card in the post this morning from you did she? Not that she deserves one.

oops - no card, although I only found out it was her birthday a minute ago (dont even remembers my own moms b-day) Yeah, maybe I do it in front of DH. Good idea...

On the bright side, things are going -so far-so good with SD... Thanx for thinking of me

I'm SO glad things are going well with your step-daughter
hope things improve with MIL and that the phone call tonight goes ok. Think it's best that DH is around when the call is made i must say.
TC xx

Did you ring her? How did it go?

this is how it went.... i did not phone or anything, when dh got home he said after dinner we have to go there.... my face dropped - he said i dont have to go, he understands. I told him that i will go, but if at any time I feel uncomfortable he must understand that I never will put myself through that on his behalf again. He said yes.

Got there and she burst into tears - so glad I came to make the peace............. I just went along with it... Wonder how long this time will last, do feel a bit of relief though.