Inspired by similar thread - Don't know where to post this - Need to talk, this is LONG! Sorry!

[skyblu]

Have been with DP for 8.5 years. He has 2 DD's, 15 & 12 and we have one DS together, who is 6.
DSD's live with their BM and SF but we see them fortnightly. Our DS lives with us, obviously.

Although we are not married, I have always veiwed that as just a minor technicality and we've always lived as if we are and I have embrassed the role of SM to DSD's ever since I first met them 8.5 years ago.

DP's exW classes herself as poor. They live in a 3 bed council house. She has 4 children in total and has never worked or made any attempt to work. Her 'now' husband earns a very low income.
DP pays maintenance but the fathers of her other 2 do not.

I have always worked full time in a reasonably well paid job. We 'agreed' that we would only have 1 DS between us because we can't afford any more or to upgrade car/house/space to accomodate 4 DC's when we have DSD's.

I do not class us as poor - but actually, we probably are if you weighed up a comparison of what is left over after everything has come in and everything gone out, his ExW probably has more disposable cash than we do! She just chooses to spend it in different places/priorities.

Example:
I/we gave up smoking & therefore with what we saved, we could (eventually) carpet our house.
She smokes 20 a day and lives with no carpet in her house. In ExW's eyes, this = she is poor as she doesn't even have carpet & I am not poor because at least we have carpet in our house.

DP and I have struggled like mad since the moment we got together. Financially, we just stuck everything in one pot and lived out of that. For most of the reltionship, DP has always earned slightly more than me, so that by the time his maintenance, petrol to see kids (approx £150 pm), extras for kids had been paid, we'd both put roughly the same into 'our' pot.

For the last year, during credit crunch, DP has earned considerably less than me - several hundred pounds less. Then his maintenance goes out of his salary, then we pay for ALL the petrol to see kids as well as food etc when they are with us. His ExW always complains that they are poor and can't afford school shoes/trainers/xyz and so DP buys it on top of everything as doesn't like seeing his kids go without. All of this comes out of our joint pot.

If you added it up and took it out of just his salary, there is no way he could then afford his 'half' of the living expenses that we have, (not his fault, credit crunch has hit us hard and we are in a bad way financially!)

Anyway, it is driving us apart (as well as other stuff at the moment) as I am increasingly bitter that I work full time, sacrificed any other children and we are struggling - yet he just hands over money, won;t change any of the arrangemenst or even tell his ExW that we are struggling too at the moment.

Obviously, I don't begrudge the maintenance, before I get flamed for that. And I do know how he feels to see his kids sent to school in rags/crappy stuff - a lot of the time it is not acceptable, it breaks my heart too!

BUT these children live on MacDonalds, have approx 300 DVD's between them, an x-box, phones, a whole range of things that I can't afford for my DS and his ExW smokes 20 gigs a day and has a litre of Vodka a week. (then tells DP they live hand to mouth, are too poor for carpets in their house and can't afford uniform etc)
DP insists they are all treated the same at b'day and xmas (despite DSD's getting it all again and DS not)

I feel such a mug and like I am being taken for a ride, because I see it as 'my' money that is paying the petrol, buying the lunch, paying for the school trip/new trainers etc.

If we are ok, then I don't mind this, but when we are overdrawn and it DP's week to go and see the kids, I'm getting so bitter that there is no petrol money but he won;t say anything to them, he'll just keep going overdrawn - anything to make sure none of them are impacted at all!

How do I get out of this?

Join NACSA (I think it is about £40, but a good investment) and let them calculate the maintenance he really owes. See whether he can get deductions for fuel expenses.

This is what I can remember when my DSD's lived with their mum and CSA...

As their mum and stepdad were on all the benefits under the sun, then any CSA payments made by my DH go to the Government to help recoup the money they spend on providing benefits for scroungers!!! My DSD's mum did not see a penny of the money that DH paid to the CSA, so consequently she was no better off and still asked for money for clothes etc.

Somehow the CSA lost my DH's details and we started paying an agreed amount to her, but not to effect her benefits. We could see that that the extra money was spent on stuff that was needed and it stayed that way until she finally realised she couldn't cope and my DSD's came to live with my DH and me.

As an aside its taken us 2 years to get any money from her to contribute to their upkeep, and we were getting it taken out of her benefits as she refused to pay manually (£5 a week for 2 DSD's) When she did work for 4 months at the beginning if the year she did not tell them about the 'new' job. We stopped receiving money as she'd taken herself off of benefits. The CSA now tell us that she has built up arrears for next time she has a job, but currently she is not even claiming benefit, so we not sure how she is living

Sorry for the long post, but hope your situation gets sorted out soon skyblu

Before October 08 parents claiming for child support who were on income related benefits had to apply for support through the CSA. They would receive £10 a week of the child support and the rest went back to the government to pay back some of the benefits.

After October 08 parents on benefits no longer have to apply through the CSA. They can have full amounts of child support paid directly to them from the other parents but must notify the benefits department of the monies so their benefits are reduced accordingly, as they are only technically allowed to receive £20 a week child support with the rest going back to the government. If they don't tell the benefits agency, they are committing benefit fraud.

My DSC mother will only accept the £20 per week payment from us - she says she will lose too many other benefits - including free swimming, music lessons, school lunches, school clubs, help with school trips, prescriptions, dental etc etc.

We've tried relentlessly to find out whether the CSA can chase us for the additional maintenence that should be paid based on % of salary but to no avail. We're quite concerned that if we ever 'fell out' with exP she'd go to CSA and tell them we never paid enough despite it being at her request!

We just keep receipts for everything extra we pay - £200 for school uniform, ££ for shoes, coats, etc etc.

Icantbelieveitsnotbitter Has your DSC's mother ever been to the CSA and opened a case with them?

If not then it's fine. They can't chase you for arrears.

If they have and did an assessment of your partner and he is paying the mother directly a less amount, then arrears will probably be racking up! I hope it's the former and not the latter x

Unfortunately keeping receipts doesn't prove anything unless you have receipts signed by the mother clearly stating "this amount £?? is for child support for children's name(s) Any money paid out extra by a non resident parent with no written proof of it being child support is considered a GIFT to the child to the CSA.

It's ridiculous but how they play it. You have to be soooo careful. Never pay child support in cash unless the parent with contact is signing it off every week because if push comes to shove and the parent with contact complained and lied to the CSA that the non resident parent hadn't been paying child support as they were receiving it in cash, the CSA would take the parent with contact's word for it.

Hope that's of some help x