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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Cant balance my ideas of "whats fair" with my finances - help!

75 replies

terrier141 · 25/08/2009 07:49

I have 2 dc's and 2dsc's aged between 7-11. Have been SM for almost 2 years and have always believed in treating all the kids the same, including financially. Spend the same for xmas and birthdays, pay for everyones swimming lessons, take them all on holidays, and never buy treats for 1 without the others etc.etc. My dsc's have a full wardrobe of clothes at our house and we pay maintainence for them. This has always been my idea of what is fair.
Unfortunately we have never received a penny in maintainence from my ex for my dc's and he doesnt provide in any other way either.
However, we are really struggling financially and I wondered how other step families do things.
I have had it pointed out to me that actually my dsc's are getting double of everything (pocket money etc), as they get everything off us and off their BM. Due to the financial struggle I have had to stop everyones swimming lessons because I cant afford to pay for 4 lots, and pocket money has been halved since dsc's came. Birthdays and xmas have also been halved. It seems I cant afford to do the things I used to with my dc's anymore but my dsc's continue to do these things with their BM.
Am I selfish for thinking my dc's are missing out?
I know that if they were all our biological kids then that we would have to split things 4 ways, but cant help feeling that my kids are having less while dsc's are having more. Apologies if that sounds resentful, as I do love my dsc's and want the best for all of them.
I would like to start a monthly savings bond, but cant afford to do it for 4, so feel unable to do it for any.
Its really keeping me awake at night.
Any advice gratefully received. Thanks

OP posts:

ChocHobNob · 25/08/2009 17:37

That sounds like an excellent arrangement. It's a shame all ParentWithContact's and NonResidentParent's couldn't agree to do something like that. It might make things a lot easier.

BonsoirAnna · 25/08/2009 17:41

It also enables us to be fair between DSS1 and DSS2 as DSS1 is the kind of child who asks for a lot and DSS2 the kind of child who never asks for anything and has to be taken emergency shopping! This way we really know what is being spent on each one's clothes, pocket money, haircuts etc. "Unfairness" also happens between bio siblings, depending on their personality.

Original poster

terrier141 · 25/08/2009 17:48

What you seem to be saying boinsoiranna is that because i dont earn much money that I shouldnt expect my kids to have much?? Even my kids biological fathers new kids enjoy lots and lots more things than mine (even though both him and new wife are on benefits). Because my husband and i work but i earn less - my kids should have less?? Less even than their benefit scrounging fathers kids?? And btw my new husband is fab but he certainly wasnt forced into this situation - he CHOSE me and my kids to be a part of his family AND to support us all because he wants to. It was a joint decision to get married and I too have made sacrices - i have given up my career to be a part of this new family (as we couldnt afford the childcare and actually I brought home less after childcare costs from working fulltime than I do now from working part time - so really Im on a low income either way since getting married - not my kids fault - so why expect them to get less??).
And also I have my stepkids for the ENTIRE school hols to allow their mum to work - therefore in a way contributing even more to their household as she doesnt have to pay for a child minder and is therefore saving money! I am a good mum and trying to be a good step-mum too - I just dont think my kids should be expected to have less because I have got married!

OP posts:

BonsoirAnna · 25/08/2009 17:53

"And also I have my stepkids for the ENTIRE school hols to allow their mum to work."

Are you doing this for free? She should be paying you going rates for childminding if you do this, for the times when the children would not normally be at their father's house.

Original poster

terrier141 · 25/08/2009 17:56

arghh!! No I do it for free because they are part of my family too!!!

OP posts:

BonsoirAnna · 25/08/2009 17:56

We are very clear indeed, btw, to DP's exW that we are not a free childcare service for her convenience (she has very seriously tried to take us for a ride on this in the past). No family court in France would ever condone such a situation and I have never heard of it in England either. Childcare to cover working hours (or socialising) is the responsibility of the parent with contact.

BonsoirAnna · 25/08/2009 17:57

You are confusing what you do for your DSCs with providing services for their mother. The two are very distinct things!

Did you really set out to be a free childcare provider for your DH's exW? How does he feel about you being treated this way? My DP goes ballistic when his exW (and his mother) try to treat me this way.

Original poster

terrier141 · 25/08/2009 18:03

I do not see myself as free childcare - I see myself as a stepmother who is available and very willing to look after my husbands kids - just as he is very willing to financially support my children! It also means he gets to see a lot more of his kids, and they love spending more time with him too! So its an arrangment that works well. If I change my job i will be less available to do this so everyone will lose out. Just pointing out that whilst I do not have much money to contribute, that I do actually provide in other ways - its a joint effort. We are all one family, and it works for us.

OP posts:

ChocHobNob · 25/08/2009 18:04

Does your H pay full maintenance in the summer holidays Terrier141?

Original poster

terrier141 · 25/08/2009 18:04

Im guessing you would charge your brother/sister/bestfriend to babysit for their kids then??

OP posts:

BonsoirAnna · 25/08/2009 18:07

The trouble is, you want it all ways: you want not to work much and to provide all kinds of free caring services to your family and to have money to bring up your children. Of course your DSCs are going to have more money spent on them if both their parents are working than your DCs if neither of theirs are really making much money.

The situation is very cushy indeed for your DH, your DH's exW and for your DSCs. I completely understand that you want to provide your own DCs with a nice life and opportunities, but you won't get there by being a pushover with your time and providing free flexible caring for your DSCs. The two just aren't compatible.

Original poster

terrier141 · 25/08/2009 18:07

Yes he does choc - we do have huge issues with this - but he is very scared of rocking the boat too much - and says its worth every penny to spend extra time with his kids. Im afraid we are stuck right in the middle - his ex expects (and gets) loads, whilst my ex wont pay anything. Realistically if my ex coughed up it would more or less even its self out.

OP posts:

BonsoirAnna · 25/08/2009 18:07

No of course not.

Your DH exW is not your family btw.

ChocHobNob · 25/08/2009 18:09

Is it a private agreement or through the CSA?

Original poster

terrier141 · 25/08/2009 18:11

My stepkids ARE my family though and I love them dearly. I dont work long hours that are incompatible with school hours because I cant afford childcare - therefore if im available to look after my kids (rather than pay childminder who I cant afford) for school hols, then why should i not also be available to care for my stepkids too??

OP posts:

BonsoirAnna · 25/08/2009 18:11

Your DH's exW is seriously taking you for a ride here, and your DH is enabling her to do so (though you seem not to care).

BonsoirAnna · 25/08/2009 18:12

Because just because you are taking care of your own children does not mean that you have to extend that free caring service to any other children (including your stepchildren), all the more so when your finances are tight and you are feeling sad nd resentful that you cannot offer your children every opportunity that you would like.

Original poster

terrier141 · 25/08/2009 18:12

its a private agreement - i think the csa would want more thats why we have been happy to help in other ways - its just got a bit out of hand

OP posts:

BonsoirAnna · 25/08/2009 18:14

If both you and exW and DH paid for a nanny jointly, all four children could be looked after together and you could both work.

ChocHobNob · 25/08/2009 18:14

I understand where you are coming from with the work thing. I am practically stuck at the moment as I have 2 young children and if I actually worked part time or full time, I would end up no better off after paying child care.

Original poster

terrier141 · 25/08/2009 18:15

They are my HUSBANDS kids too and he loves them being here when he gets home so he gets to spend extra time with them.

OP posts:

BonsoirAnna · 25/08/2009 18:16

I'm absolutely sure that he is delighted that they are there. That doesn't change the fact that you are being taken for a ride!

ChocHobNob · 25/08/2009 18:17

I also appreciate how worrying it is to throw a spanner in the works when having a private a agreement and risk having the CSA and their quite frankly ridiculous calculations at times, pushed on you.

I really don't know what to suggest sorry.

Original poster

terrier141 · 25/08/2009 18:18

im sure dh's ex could find alternative free childcare if she really needed too (within her family maybe?)- my dh and I would lose out on time with them, and whilst Im available i will gladly do it.

OP posts:

BonsoirAnna · 25/08/2009 18:19

Well then stop feeling resentful that you haven't got enough money to pay for things for your children

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