Need advice on how to deal with my kids new step family

[elastamum]

My H is moving in with a woman with 3 kids (younger than mine) My boys play with them but say they find them irritating as they are much younger and are very excited about having older children around and wont leave them alone ( I have tried to explain to my eldest to talk to his Dad or their mum when he needs some space and not get mad with the little ones). My youngest son is confused as he thinks he has gained a set of half siblings, I have had to explain that they arent at all related and the other children have a father of their own. Not sure what to do to help things best here. I want the kids to get along and be happy but am worried that my H hasnt explained to them what the situation really is and they seem a bit confused by it all. any advice?

Thanks for calling me reasonable, Prettyfly. My ex and his wife usually tend to call me the "unreasonable, sad, vindictive b*tch", which shows that there is always two sides to a story.

Getting back to the family thing ... as hard as it might be for parents and parents' partners, imagine what it must be like for children.

"My house, my rules" ... "You can do this when you are with your mother/father, but at my house ..." ... I'm not even on about badmouthing the other parent, but about devaluating and questioning the child's life per se. Bear in mind that this child probably leads a perfectly happy life with the other parent, no matter what you personally think about his/her parenting skills. The child's life is really a combination of two lives, and nobody likes to hear that parts of their life are actually wrong and rubbish.

As far as I am concerned, my ex and I are separated ... but we are still our daughter's core family, the people who created her and jointly raised her for the first 6.5 years of her life. The way our daughter turned out/will turn out in the future is down to the values, type of education, rules etc. we jointly agreed. My ex has a new wife, and that's that. But my daughter doesn't have a new family, she still has her old one with a couple of extensions built on! After all, SHE didn't separate, did she?

Within this family plus extensions, there obviously need to be boundaries. I have learned over the years to consider our daughter "the school hamster", a project with two team leaders. Sounds crazy, but it takes the emotions out. I will communicate with the other team leader about our project, for "offical" project meetings (like parents' evenings) we are both available. Within reasonable boundaries, each team leader is free to organise his/her team to guarantee the success of our project.

Needless to say, the ex's "Brady Bunch approach" and my "project management approach" do clash.

What it boils down to is that the OP and her ex should sit down together (if they can't then mediation would be a way to do so) and set some achievable boundaries as to how they envisage the future involvement between core family and extensions. The involvement of stepparents in medical, educational and appearance issues is always a topic for hot discussions. Another issue might be disciplining the child.

This should be done sooner rather than later ... we initially had a more or less amicable 50/50 ... not taking action straight away and putting down the rules means that our daughter hasn't seen her father for several months now (his choice, I should add).

I too have initially tried to "negotiate" between our daughter and her father when it came to her relationship with her SSs ... well-meant tips and hints, however, were taken as trying to interfere. Best is always to be understanding when the child complains, but to encourage it to speak to the parent at whose house the "atrocity" has happened. Not easy, I know, there is this motherly instinct that makes you fight for your cubs.

In an ideal world, BM and BF would still be able to spend time (like a meal or similar) together with their child(ren) occasionally, without anybody else present. If the kids can witness that their parents still manage to talk on a civilised basis, then their inhibitions when it comes to speaking about their life at "the other house" would be taken away, and they would also feel more comfortable when it comes to dealing with the new additions to the family.

Kape - I agree with most of that BUT as the ex of my partner constantly tries it on with him and slags me off it would be a cold day in hell before I allowed that to happen again.

It has to work on both sides - BMs need to realise that if a woman comes in to your childs life fifty percent of the time - in other words the same amount of time that you are, then of course she should be allowed to have some ground rules and guidelines of her own - otherwise she is effectively an unpaid babysitter and that IS when resentment starts.

Ground rules and guidelines ... nothing wrong with them ... but, as usual, it depends on the matter itself and whether it is in clear contradiction to what the other parent is trying to achieve. It also depends on whether the new ground rules differ significantly from how the child used to be raised when BF and BM were jointly making the decisions.

Example: SM has two very unruly and messy daughters, mine is scarily tidy (hasn't got that one from me, trust me). In order to get her kids to tidy away their (as in THEIR) toys, SM pays them! I totally disagree with this approach! What's next? Paying them for doing their homework? Nobody is paying me for washing my dirty knickers.

Anyway, her kids, her decision! When DD "demanded" money from me for tidying her room, I did contact ex and suggested a compromise ... couldn't daughter at least be paid for things she does for everybody in the family (recycling, weeding)? ... I still wouldn't do that myself, but paying a (or rather MY) child for cleaning up after herself is not going to turn her into a responsible adult. Well, one word describes the reaction ... warzone. Funnily enough, ex used to be very strict with DD and would have NEVER EVER paid her for tidying after herself, so clearly not his rule.

So what do you do in such a situation? I certainly haven't found the answer yet!

As for unpaid babysitter: I do not ask SM to babysit DD, never did, never will. During my time with DD, I am supported by au-pair, for whom I pay.

SM's babysitting services (or her feeling unappreciated for having to do so) are a matter between SM and her husband, BF. DD is husband's responsibility when with him, if he asks SM to take over some or all of it, then he needs to ensure that he rewards SM accordingly or makes her feel appreciated.

Kape = I didnt mean literally babysitting. I laughed at your post though as that is exactly the same as my dss mother. She paid him a tenner to eat veg. After I spent weeks gently turning his bad food habits around. I was so cross, not least because it would be a cold day in hell before my son got paid for eating anything. Same with housework. I think the rule here is sometimes it doesnt matter what side you are on, we all have very different values and kape you are right to suggest that comprimise is key!

Even from a BM's point of view ... I wouldn't have cancelled evening out. If BM is of opinion that BD can only be cared for by her when ill and not by DH, then she may as well collect her.

I don't think there is a one answer fits all scenario for step families. The circumstances regarding the family make up can be different and I think a lot of it comes down to give and take, on all sides BF, BM, SM, SF. If a BM goes into the situation thinking "My way or the highway" things are not going to work. Same as if a SM will not compromise and accept the BM will always have a say in everything, it's not going to work.

For us :

There was no relationship between BM and BF before their child was born.

There was no raising the child with their own values and morals for how ever much time before I, the SM came on the scene.

There will be no BM and BF sitting down for a meal to show the children that they can still get on amicably as parents, this can be demonstrated in other ways.

I was on the scene before BM was. I was married to my H years before he and BM decided to have a fling and risk having a child. So in affect, BM added a child into MY family (along with my H). And because of this, I wont be pushed out of my own family.

BUT we can make it work in this horrible situation that was created by my H and my DSD's Mother, which resulted in a lovely little girl, so it can work if all parties are reasonable and open to compromise.

hi all,

Thanks for keeping posting, even if you dont like my stance I found the different perspectives on families really interesting. Since i started this thread ex and i have started a dialogue on the differences between our 2 families, as having moved in he is starting to notice the difference between our kids, who are quite grown up an independent for their age and gf's, who are very young for theirs, although to be fair they are much younger. We have discussed the need for him to spend time with them doing activities appropriate for their age group and also he has started to recognise that the little ones are irritating our boys ( I have told him how they feel) and is now trying to ensure they get some space and time of their own when they are with him. hopefully it will all work out as i do genuinely want them to continue to see their father.