Child as a result of an affair

[SFC80]

Not sure if this is the best place for this question, but I'm looking for advice.

I've been with my parter for 10 years. We have children together. He had an affair and it resulted in the other woman getting pregnant. The little girl is 2 now and my partner will soon be applying for contact.

Does anyone have any experience of this type of situation? Any ideas on how we can go around contact?

The ideal way would be to treat the situation as though it was a typical "step-child from a previous relationship" situation but I feel I may not cope with that due to the nature of my partner and this other woman's previous relationship.

I would be interested in hearing how anyone established contact like this. Did your partner visit the child in the mother's home? Were you involved a lot more from the start? What boundaries did you put up from the start and made the other woman aware of?

Thank you for any advice in advance xx

The child's mother sounds very confused and not partticularly stable tbh.

I hope the boyfriend has now gone

It must be awful seeing the little girl out and about, and awful having to be reminded of your husband's infidelity on such a regular basis.

I have seen families break up due to circumstances such as these and you must be very strong together to have not allowed that to happen.

I have a very good friend in this situation and it was her that instigated contact with the child as she believed that the child had a right to know her father and half siblings. The child comes to her house on a regular basis to spend time with the father and half siblings, and the extended family - grandparents etc.

Like you the child lived close by and whilst they moved in very different social circles (no two women could be more different than the wife and the mistress in this case!), my friend could not ignore the existence of the child.

My friend has dealt with an impossible situation with great compassion for the child and huge personal dignity; she has not let her own hurt taint the child's life in any way. I take my hat off to her.

I hope I can do what your friend has done ggglimpopo.

That does sound like it works well GGG.

However I would hesitate slightly about taking the beneficent line...you'd have to watch that the child didn't feel like a foundling, second best to its half siblings...it'd be upset that they got to stay with Daddy, perhaps, while it had to go home...and it's possiblt the mother of the child could interpret those good intentions as patronising, ie suggesting the child was simply acceptable because of pity for it, which discounts the fact that it already has a mother who may very well be doing an excellent job.

In this case though SFC it doesn't sound as though she is

Does the mother want your DP to have contact? It could be an amicable arrangement without any need for the courts to become involved.

Also, is your DP on the birth certificate, or recognized as the father?

He could apply for a contact order via the court, which could be at a contact centre at least initially, and possibly move to unsupervised contact.

No, I think the altruistic slant is not what motivates my friend. I also think that she was in the op's postition - damned if she did and damned if she didn't.

I don't think it is perceived as charity - to the point where the mother wanted to go away for half term and the day before rung my friend to say that she had booked a holiday without the child and was hoping that my friend would literally be left 'holding the baby'.

Incidentally, I found out through mutual friends that, years after he had promised all romantic links were cut with this woman, he was still seeing her.

Rightly or wrongly - I never told my friend.

The thing is, those are the issues every step family face. I suppose all you can do is try your best. That's what we want to do.

I can't really comment on her parenting as I have not seen it or been made aware of it. All I can mention is what I know, with regards to the BF and that was through the texts we initially received off of her, what she told my partner in person and what my sister and a pub full of people heard. That's something we would face when it happens.

All I know is my partner wants to be a part of his little girls life and if it can be done as it should, her life will be enriched by it.

Ilovemydog, he is recognised I believe due to the DNA test. He would still have to apply for parental responsibility but I believe she would have no grounds to refuse it.

Oh, I see. Yes, he will need to apply for parental responsibility based on the DNA results. Am fairly sure that he can ask for a contact order at the same time, or rather in the same court application.

Perhaps putting this in legal may also help from a practical stance.

Eve though you have forgiven your DP, he is very lucky to have you.

Hey there

I think you sound like a very kind person, however before you do this I think it is absolutely vital that you try to understand that if he spends time with her she becomes his daughter in exactly the same way as your children are his children, which means she has the same rights and he the same responisibilities. Holidays, weekends birthdays family occasions, christmases, new years etc all have to be worked out so she feels like an equal member of the family. You and your children arent more important because you live with him and that is why I think this situation will become very tough. If bm calls and asks him to look after the child will you be able to do it because the child should really be looked after by a parent then a remote stranger or will you resent the fact that this woman who caused you so much pain now relies on your family for help. If the answer is the second think carefully about doing it. You have been very brave to get your marriage this far but I suspect this could be more then you could cope with - perhaps some time with someone you could talk to might be a way of getting through it. Just be aware that once the door is opened it is extremely difficult to close.

Believe me, I understand all of those things.

Forgive me for being a bit defensive when I say I don't really need them to be pointed out to me lol I've had two years to think over all of this and I have, a lot. But thank you for your reply.

Obviously if this was to happen, I would love for it to go smoothly. A lot of it would depend on the BM and how she would behave. As long as she didn't take the mick, then I would not have a problem. Well, in all reality, I may have problems but I am big enough and ugly enough to know not to take it out on the little girl or let it affect my family. Me and my partner have a very good relationship now where we can talk about things with regards to this without it becoming heated. We have agreed that what has happened in the past stays there. We do not focus on the infidelity anymore.

My main reason for starting this thread was to look for advice on how to handle this kind of situation practically. But no one seems to have any personal experiences of this really, which I suppose is a good thing.

We think we have come to some agreements with how it should be handled. Now it is down to the BM. Hopefully she will be mature about it and shares the same ideas on what would be best for the little girl.

If you mean in terms of access etc the advice to you should be the same as everyone else. Set your clear boundaries, arrange set times, liaise closely with the mother, attempting to respect her views on parenting and dont force a new "daddy" on the child, introducing yourselves slowly and in a way that is relaxed and as informal as possible. I dont think you say anywhere but have either of you actually approached ow for access and is your partner contributing at all financially???

We have approached her. She hasn't bothered to reply.

He doesn't pay CS at the moment. She said she didn't want anything. We will of course offer CS though.

I keep sending the messages before reading through them and they sound stroppier than I mean them too and there's no edit button is there? lol

She hasn't bothered to reply ... yet.

Lol- dont worry I do it all the time

You could be in a tough spot then as it sounds like she doesnt want to know. My first piece of advice to your dh would be to open a post office account in his daughters name. This way he can demonstrate that even though mum was difficult, he always thought of her and tried to put measures in place to give her support when she was old enough to make her own mind up.

Secondly he needs to approach her again. If she really wont listen and he really wants to be part of the little ones life then applying for a contact order and parental responsibility is a good idea - it must be made clear though that he doesnt want full custody or you will start a war that as he hasnt been involved from the start he is unlikely to win.

I think this could be tough all round on you so the one thing i would say is just be patient and good luck.

Thanks.

Good idea about the post office account. I will speak to him about that tonight.

We really didn't want to go down the route of demanding contact and threatening court and such. We were hoping she would be amicable, especially as she hasn't exactly kept to her no contact side of things and has approached my partner on a number of occasions to speak to him about the little girl. She can't have it both ways though. It isn't fair on anyone.

can i ask what happened when she approached him - if he rejected her then she will almost certainly have taken it personally for her daughter (i did) and may now think piss off - if they made a deal not to talk to one another etc and he made it clear on occasions that he didnt want to you cant really expect her two years in to go "oh alright then" - not saying that her behaviour in the past was ok or having a go at you - i think your very reasonable - but if your husband has told her on a number of occasions he didnt want to know then suddenly does she is probably wary.

Why does he want to get involved? And why now? Why doesn't he set up the account for her, make sure they always know where he is and wait/hope for an approach?

PrettyFly1 - When she's approached him he has spoken to her. Looked at the photos she offered. Discussed the fact that she had split with her BF. Never said to her "I want nothing to do with the little girl".

He wants to get involved because he had the impression from her that she wanted him to. Suddenly doing the above. We live very close by and see them regularly which makes it difficult.

He has wanted to see her from the start. He went along with not seeing her because her Mum didn't want him to as her ex declared he wanted my partner to not be involved (even though the ex said he didn't want anything to do with the little firl either). Obviously now he is an ex and she told my partner she didn't care what he thought anymore (on one occasion they were on/off again, they didn't get back together again properly as far as we are aware)

He wants to see her because he thinks it's best, basically. He believes she deserves to have a father in her life.

and he was hoping her Mum felt the same.

aaah - thanks for explaining that out - I can imagine it must be frustrating. it really is very, very difficult isnt it. As hard as it is if she really wont be reasonable then it will be the legal route as ultimately the little one has a right to know her daddy and you sound very, very level headed and thoughtful so I cant imagine a judge would allow the little one not to be allowed into your family.

Hope it goes ok for you - just be sure to have some support time for yourself too. Do you have any idea what sort of boundaries you want to put in place? I cant imagine you will feel very comfortable if your husband has to be on his own with her? Alhthough I think maybe the original question you asked was a bit premature if the mother is going to block access - you need to look at getting that line of communication open first.

p.s dont take my questions as offensive btw - you wanted advise from someone who has been in a situation similiar to yours and I have.

Yes I agree it was a bit premature lol I did post this thread before we contacted her though and and didn't think she would just completely ignore us. We honestly thought she wanted my partner to be involved or else she wouldn't have apporached him to tell him about the little girl and show him pictures. Now I don't know what to think as to why she did that. I think it was unnecessary as all it did was upset my partner even more and obviously upset me as well.

As for boundaries, we have decided we would like all communication to go through email. No phonecalls or texts or trying to catch him while he is out of the house alone anymore. Once contact is established phone calls on the landline will be fine. He has said he doesn't want to have contact with the little girl at the BM's home. He understands it would be difficult for me. As the little girl is older now he could have contact at a more public place, like a playpark, soft play or somewhere like that.

I know sometimes I can be a bit sensitive and one I've looked at something twice I'm a bit more rational so I'm not offended lol

SFC80, i am new to mumsnet and just saw your post. I am in the same situation though 6 and a bit years down the track. I havent read any of the replies to your thread yet so forgive me if i repeat what other have said.

We do have contact with the child (a little girl). It has been a difficult road. The OW is hostile to any involvement by my H and god forbid me. We have been to court several times to establish contact and have now kind of hit a good patch where everything is working well and the child is thriving having her dad (and me) actively involved in her life.

It has been a very hard road with lots of bumps but i dont regret a minute of it. I love my step daughter. She might not have grown in my belly but she definitely grew in my heart from the first moment i held her when she was 3 days old.

Sometimes i think it would have been easier if we had just walked away from her like her mother wanted us to but honestly, knowning my husband and how he feels about kids, he would never have forgiven himself and i cant imagine our marriage surviving not only the pain of his infidelity but also his guilt over not being involved with his daughter.

As far as contact goes you do have options. Am happy to walk you through the legal ones and the practical ones. I am a member if an online support group you might find useful. Email me at [email protected].
Happy to talk more.

Dragonfly.

Hi Dragonfly73, as you can see I've been using a different log in, so I am ChocHobNob too! I couldn't remember my SFC log in details lol

Thanks so much for your reply. I will send you an email in a bit.

I just wanted to update really on what has happened in the past couple of months.

We seem to have been very lucky. BM contacted us, Child Support has been set up, BM has been very reasonable and encouraged contact between my H and DSD. We've seen her a number of times, have unsupervised short periods of contact already, our boys have met her and everything is going very well.