Oh the so so self-confident exw....

[Shalotta]

Guys, I am back on this thread needing another rant... yesterday was the hand over of DSS after 2 weeks hols with his mother ... would you think the hand over could have gone smoothly? No, of course not... it should have been a HAND OVER but the exw was once again in attention seeking mood and deliberately tried to make a "family afternoon" out of it by delaying and not having DSS things ready and then calling a couple of times back expecting DP to come again to her place picking up what should have been ready a loooong time ago for the week ahead (yes, she had more than 2 weeks to prepare and she was not able to do it)... and when I say "family afternoon" that includes her, DSS and DP.... I am not in the picture here!

When I heard her talking on the phone to DP I suddenly realised that this woman has totally eclipsed me out of the picture. I do not exist to her - and it does not matter if I sit next to my DP and DSS, she just somehow arranged a picture in her mind that I AM NOT THERE and I am not part of the family. I don't know if anyone here can understand how I feel. I don't need this woman's approval but it would be very nice if - after all this time she is not with DP any longer and he lives with me, she could show a little bit of respect and aknwoledge that her exhb has a private life and a new partner that - oh yes - DOES EXIST!

I am really not someone who suffers from low self esteem, but this woman seriously thinks she can step into my private life and roll over me.... with a self-confidence and a lack of self doubt that I find absolutely amazing. This is just something that is totally alien to me, as I am a very considerate person. It is not "hello, is this a convenient time for me to call you? Can we talk" it is " I am calling you and I expect you to drop everything that you were doing right now b/c I have something to tell you". She called, we diverted her call... 2 minutes later she calls again... we diverted again... 2 minutes later she calls again... and, hey, let's get this right, this was not for an emergency... this was for a totally trivial matter. DP then refused to go to her place to pick up the stuff and said she should make her way to ours, which she then did.

So I had another talk with DP and we agreed that this HAS TO STOP. We have set up a lot of boundaries over the last few months... but as she has prooved again yesterday... these boundaries are not enough for her! There seems to be only one way forward and this is to get very rigid with her and we have to build the wall even higher if we want to have a normal family life. And my DP agreed that if in her mind she thinks she needs to treat me as if I don't exist, from now on I should just do the same, I should treat her as if she does not exist in my life either (obviously keeping DSS out of it). I'm trying to understand now what someone pointed out to me earlier, aka that she is not worth my head space...

I know we have talked here a lot about DETACHMENT before and I am working on it. But it is very difficult if someone obviously has such an inflated ego that he/she thinks everyone comes second to her. People like that just leave me speechless.

Hi Shallota. Noone is going to take a strip off you sweets - its just other peoples opinions. Do you think maybe some councelling would help you a little? I get the feeling perhaps you are over identifying a bit too much with this woman and your mum - hence why you feel so bad. Maybe if you work on the ghosts of your own parental relationship you may feel more able to let this be a bit. I think the worst thing you could do to this woman is not engage with her - dont try to be nice etc. Treat her with courtesy as befitting her station as the mother of the child you are helping raise and leave it there. Dont get involved in anything else AT ALL. She will hate it, you will feel better and you can concentrate on more important aspects of your life. Right now this seems to be consuming you with anger and frustration and that wont be doing you any good at all.

and it would seem that maybe what your DH's ex is doing is trying to push you out in a way...if you let it consume you she may succeed...

That's not to say you shouldn't have feelings and opinions about her and any inappropiate behaviour she demonstrates, particularly in reaction to specific situations, but I think it can be wise in these situations to ensure that you aren't (for example) driving to buy groceries with HER churning around in your brain or laying in bed imaging what you'd like to say to her, or how you'd describe her actions to someone else!

FWIW I don't entirely agree that you can't change her behaviour, only your responses to it. Obviously changing your responses is the thing that is most in your control, but by putting your boundaries in place you can hopefully 'retrain' (don't mean that to sound patronising to her - I just can't think of a better description) her behaviour and her expectations. For example, for as long as DH lets her is some way feel that SHE (not you) is the woman in his life (no matter that it isn't actually how HE feels!) she will continue to claim that position. And, IMO, it will probably be better for her as well as you and DH when she grasps the relity and gets on with building a new life of her own.

I would guess that she doesn't necessarily always plan - I mean consciously - any inappropriate behaviour. (well, she might do sometimes ) But, more likely it is just ingrained behaviour that can be uningrained (I just made up a word I think!)

hi prettyfly,

I'm back here after a bit of absence...needed to get some distance to all of it.

I was thinking about counselling, as my personal vulnerabilities seem to just fit this woman's needs for disrupting and owerpowering. Still thinking of it, although things have calmed down for the moment.

I'm sure many of the things she does, she's not doing them "consciously" as such, she is rather doing them out of impulse. But that does not mean they are less wrong or inappropriate.

It really comes down to my DP setting boundaries of steel, as she is not learning. Last week we had another transgression when she called DP at 10 pm for a matter that was absolutely not urgent, although she has been told by DP that she should not call after latest 9 pm unless it is for an emergency. So obviously we thought it WAS an emergency and DP picked up the phone and there she got us going again... I wasn't upset this time around but I'm firmly convinced that this is not the way forward with her!

But I do agree, I really need to disengage with this person. And maybe show her how much I disengage...

Fourkids, yep, she does try to push me out, that's for sure! One of my friends calls her the "external agressor" ;)

I don't know if this will help you at all Shalotta, and I'm uncertain about sharing too much detail, but my situation was very similar to yours (except DH and his exp had been split up even longer, and DH's exp had actually had a DP of her own for all that time)...and obviously I think it was much much worse - but only because I was in the middle of it!

DH did set boundaries in place. Things changed very slowly, often in fits and starts, and was at times extremely painful - for all three of us I think.

And eventually we all worked our way through. And everyone is happier - that is why I always advocate taking the bull by the horns in these situations rather than just letting things drag on in what can be a rather toxic (for everyone) kind of way.

I mean DH and I are happy, DH's exp seems more at peace, her DP surely has to be happier now that he no longer comes an obvious second best to DH...and possibly most importantly, all the DCs involved are not only happier, but are seeing and learning from a good, civil, considerate working relationship, rather than a one-sided, manipulative, 'pretend' one.

So I say hang in there And be careful not to obsess about it - DP is after all with you, and is actually taking your side (iyswim)