Thanks bamboostalks.
Well, I can draw this particular thread to a close now, as my stepdaughter's in the car with her dad on the way to the airport to go home.
I have to say that whilst I am sad that both she and her dad are upset at the parting (as usual), this visit has been the most challenging yet, and I am pleased that she is now going home.
Things hit an all time low on Thursday, and we both came to blows. All was resolved by the end of the night, and we went to bed friends. In a way it had been brewing for her entire visit, so I guess it needed to happen to clear the air and move things forward by doing things differently.
In the future, I will no longer be her primary carer on her visits here, I will just have an odd few hours looking after her here and there. This is how we have previously worked it successfully, so we know it works. - the reason it changed was that my DH's mum's been poorly, and I have been at home and available for care.
In hindsight, trying to look after a 4 month old and a very challenging stepdaughter full time was really a little too much for me to take on. And I am not willing to take her on for long periods of time on my own again - we tried it, and it doesn't work for either of us.
We are also going to review her visits here and do things differently. Whilst we're not sure exactly how, we imagine that we will go to visit her in France perhaps more than her coming to England - for example go on holiday in France. Perhaps she could bring a friend with her so DH can feel more a part of her life too. And we're obviously going to make sure she gets continued one on one quality time with her dad and grandparents.
It has all come out that she is just utterly grieving the loss of her parents being together, and the fact that it is all over, and can't handle and doesn't know how to deal with the emotions she's experiencing. They split when she was 2, she's 7 now, but I guess she's just beginning to understand what it all means.
The arrival of my son has also upset her, as she thinks we're all over in England having masses of fun without her and excluding her. I think it has also sealed the finality of the split family for her too. Her mother also has a 2 1/2 year old son with her step father.
A really positive thing to come out of it is that the petty arguments that have been going on between her mother and father (which she has no doubt picked up on) over schooling and where she lives have now been put to one side as we're all concerned about her - and it's been agreed that parents and step parents all need to work collectively to help her deal with what's a very difficult time. At least we all think in the same way on that front! I'm convinced this'll help to make her more secure if she knows we're all on the same side.
Basically, huge sigh of relief that this visit is now over. We are going down to France in a month or two to meet with her mum n stepdad to discuss how we work visits, and so that DH can see the new school she will be starting in September.
Let's hope this is the beginning of a new, more positive chapter and that we can help make her (and our) life easier, if not perfect.