Quick backstory: I split up with my ex-partner almost 4 years ago and ended up sofa-surfing, including staying on my ex-husband’s sofa for a year while I found somewhere to live. It was incredibly tough for my two children and me. When we finally got a house, it genuinely felt like “our safe space”.
I met my current partner 2 years ago. We clicked quickly, my children get on well with him, and he moved in last year. Life was mostly good.
His ex, however, is very difficult. I’ve always tried to stay neutral because everyone’s ex has their version of events, but she is extremely controlling and my partner struggles to stand up to her. She has set all the terms around how and when he sees his three children. They agreed child maintenance privately and he was paying well over the usual amount, plus extra whenever she asked. She frequently changed the “rules” — one minute insisting he come to the house to look after the children, the next saying he’s not allowed at the house because she “can’t get over him”. She originally ended the relationship, then later claimed she’d only done it to “show him what he’d be missing”.
His youngest (11) has had significant school refusal issues. This has been mixed with her mum sometimes not getting her up for school due to her own mental health difficulties. His daughter (I’ll call her “Girl”) can also be extremely challenging behaviourally — huge tantrums or the complete opposite where she won’t speak or look at anyone.
In July, things came to a head. On a Sunday night, his ex messaged telling him to “come and get your f*ing child now”. There was no discussion. Girl has lived with us ever since. The ex is still claiming child benefit and UC for her 5 months later and hasn’t contributed to anything, including the school shop. We’re managing financially, but it’s tight.
We’ve done everything possible to make Girl feel at home. We rearranged bedrooms and even built a partition wall so she could have her own room. We try to do family activities. My two (13 and 15) don’t especially like her but have been polite and tolerant.
The problem is that Girl’s behaviour is extremely difficult.
She is often rude and will refuse to speak to me. She slams doors constantly. I have a trauma history and door-slamming sends my anxiety through the roof — I’ve calmly explained this and asked her to try not to, but she now seems to do it more. It leaves me shaking.
Her hygiene is very poor — e.g., one shower in 13 days, wearing the same underwear/socks for days unless directly told. Her table manners are awful to the point my children sometimes don’t want to eat in the same room (I now let them eat separately).
I’m fairly relaxed as a parent: a few basic rules (e.g., phones charged downstairs overnight), chores optional for pocket money, expectations clear but not strict. Girl fights the phone rule every night. Bedtime is a battle lasting over an hour if my partner isn’t home, and my kids end up missing out on attention because I’m firefighting drama.
I fully believe children are shaped by the parenting they’ve had, and honestly it feels like Girl just hasn’t been parented consistently at all. She is incredibly self-focused, creates a constant atmosphere, and I never feel relaxed when she’s here. She goes to her mum’s every other weekend and attends school, but the rest of the time I’m on edge.
I genuinely want a positive relationship with her so home feels calmer for all of us, but I think she is deeply angry — about being moved here suddenly, about the school change, about the instability — and I’m the easiest target.
She talks to my partner in a baby voice (calls him “dada”), which she didn’t do before, so I suspect it’s a regression/coping thing. My partner is trying, but he’s also scared of setting boundaries because of her tantrums. I think she needs firmer, consistent boundaries, but I don’t know if it should come from me.
I’m honestly miserable. How do we get to a happier place? What can I do, and what should my partner be doing?