Step Mum feelings

[Alexandra9]

Hi, I’m in need of some support. My partner has 2 young children, we’ve been together for 1.5years and we live together.

His ex (baby Mum) has been a challenge from the start, neither of us are now in contact with her and everything is done via my partners family/communication book. It’s been very toxic, hurtful accusations/messages, stalking my social media platforms from herself/her family/friends.

The children stay with my partner every other weekend, I have tried being involved maybe a bit too much to start with, since a lot of conflict and hurt has happened with their Mum Ive started to feel extremely different towards my partner and having any involvement with his children.

I feel dread before they arrive, anxiety, resentment, loneliness and like my whole house gets turned upside down. I now want to run to protect my peace and well being. We were planning to start our own family but I have recently put this on hold due to how I’m feeling. Does it ever get better???

Any advice would be much appreciated as I really am struggling ❤️‍🩹

Where on earth have you got that from?!?

Op, 18 months and planing a family.
You barely know him.
You live with him already.
Poor children.

It rarely gets better.
He sounds like a poor father, don't get pregnant with him.
He should be focused on his existing children, not busy making more after only 18 months.
Children are hard work, step children are harder again.
It takes enormous love to push through the hard times with your own children, not to mind step children.

Your partner and his children, come as a package. You can't have the man, without the children, it's that simple. The ex is the Mother of his children, and will always be part of his life (to varying degrees). If you are dreading the children's visits, then I'm afraid I don't see that improving as time goes on, in fact as they get older, those feelings could become stronger. I do agree with others, you've rushed into living together, and are already planning a family after only 1.5 years. How do you see having his children coming to stay, as well as potentially having your own, at the same time? There's absolutely nothing wrong in saying 'Stop, this relationship isn't for me'. It doesn't mean you've failed, it just means a man with young children (or any at all) isn't what you want. I lived with a man who had children (they lived with him full-time) but when we split up, I vowed never to date a man with children again (not because I dislike children or his children) but because it hurt like hell having to leave as I got attached to the children. I ended up meeting and marrying a man who had no children (we went on to have a son).

I’m a step mum, I’d say it’s only worked as I didn’t have kids and DHs ex is extremely reasonable. And they coparent well. It’s still been unbelievably hard at times. Having a child together won’t make any of this easier? Also…whose house is it?

I feel for you, and I know it’s not really what you what to hear but the best thing you can do is walk away.
I stayed thinking it would get better, but it didn’t. Years down the line, so much heartache and stress, and thinking about how things could have been.
DC is actually fine, a nice kid, but it’s the issues caused by the ex and my DH’s lack of ability to set boundaries that made me dread the visits. I knew there would be something every time, and the rare time there wasn’t didn’t feel any better because my weekend would be spent anxiously awaiting something.

I didn’t have a baby with him because I kept waiting for things to settle down as I didn’t want to bring a baby in to that. The years passed by.
If you really want children you’re best off making the hard decision now, because the longer you leave it the harder it gets to walk away, believe me.

There’s no way I could be a step parent, it’s not something I’d ever want to do. It’s OK to end your relationship if you also feel that way. You don’t need anyone’s permission or reassurance.

Are you hoping that when you have kids the little interaction he has with his children will stop? Because if you hate them being there , that's what it sounds like. It's always the first children that suffer, don't do it to them, don't do it to yourself. He should be concentrating on his existing children, not considering bringing more into this mess.

I've been through this OP and honestly it did get better. Id say it was hardest around year 2. My partner held very firm boundaries with the ex, he and I made a huge effort to talk (and often argued!) through every single issue and it was rough. I definitely felt like leaving, it felt hopeless at times. But.... We're now married and have 2 kids of our own and I can honestly say I've never been happier. It depends on the pair of you, and your appetite for communicating and persevering through the really tough stuff.

We still have issues with the ex but we have found a rhythm as to how we approach things. Sometimes we disagree but it's nowhere near as hard as it used to be.

Edited to add, my SD has been through some tricky phases, and no doubt we have more to come, but over the years they've become easier to manage, again because DH and I are very conscious of being a team. We're not perfect, but we are committed to working together on this and personally for me, that's enough to make this work. Good luck op.

Sorry that the DD has moved on. Jesus Christ

Anyway OP it doesn’t get better, it’s been the hardest challenge of my life. Unbelievable amount of effort with not a single thank you. I am having to bring up a child that has been failed multiple times by their DM.

This is your first time doing life, don’t waste however many years trying to fix things. Start fresh and with no baggage.

Toxic getting even more toxic. That is the future of your future family.

There is not a world in which I would ever get involved with a man who had children ever again. Don’t do it @Alexandra9it will destroy your life.

It is like finding hen's teeth to get a woman to admit they would do it all again.
I certainly don't know any in real life.
The overwhelming feeling is of wasted years of stress, where they were there for all they gave, rather from who they were themselves.

I think only the softest/naivest of women are unlucky enough to be step parents.

The ones with strong instincts of self preservation wouldn't go near a man with children.

While the wife and mother in me suspects that it has far more to do with I have tried being involved maybe a bit too much to start with antagonising the situation.

He only sees his DC 4 days per month; that’s a pitiful amount, no wonder his ex and probably his DC are cross with him.

If 4 days a month are too much for you both to parent, how would you cope if the mum was sick and you needed to take full time care of both kids?

Why do you want children with a man who sees so little of his kids?

See @AC246 i think it’s my resilience and independence that made me think it wasn’t an issue. Given I’m a decade in maybe I was right. But it has been tough.