Not in love with step child

[Hehoo]

I’m a step mom of a 12 year old boy. Only been with my partner 3.5 years but we fell in love and got married very fast and I’m happy. I love him. We have his son 3 days a week. And he’s a lovely kid. Really polite and engaging and well behaved and honestly no trouble at all. But here’s the problem…. Kids are so boring!! Insert stereotype of what boys are into and it’s just so boring! I’m ADHD and a very free spirited person and I feel myself getting more and more bored and tired of the routine of step mom mode. I feel like a sociopath at the dinner table! Nodding and smiling at endless boring child conversation while his dad looks on proudly at how enthusiastic his son is and how happy he is at how well his son and I get on… and I guess on the surface we do.
I’ve tried to plan evenings out when he’s here but both of them are sooo sensitive and it ends up being ‘why don’t you want to hang out with us?’ Or ‘what have we done’. I feel like I’m loosing my personality.
On the positive when its just me and my husband we have a blast! I feel sane again.
Do I just need to ‘suck it up’ for 3 days of the week for the next 5 years? Just live on autopilot pretending to be engaged and happy!?
I feel so guilty that I don’t love the step child, that I don’t find him interesting and I can feel myself getting more and more annoyed with…. Well just the fact that he’s a child! 🤣🤣🤣. His dad and him have a great relationship so I’m just pretending all the time for fear of getting in the way of that (I would never want my husband to see him less because I suggested I wasn’t happy) x
Any advice welcomed.

To a certain extent I think you do need to suck it up, given you sound otherwise happy with your husband. A few suggestions though. Go ahead and make your own plans one night a week that he’s there, and tell them in no uncertain terms you won’t be engaging in thé ‘what have we done’ business because it’s appropriate for father and son to have some one on one time. But also try to reframe your approach to the rest of your time together - saying you feel like you’re losing yourself over a few evenings a week where you’re not doing something that engages you is a bit dramatic and you sound like a nice person so I think you know that! There’s very little chance he’s going to want to sit with you guys 3 evenings à week as he gets into teen years so there’s probably less time to ride out than you’re currently fearing!

I don’t want to sound harsh but you should have firmly established your feelings towards this child before you married his father. You can’t change the goalposts now. Your DH’s child is a part of him, and should always be his priority.

Plenty of stepparents aren’t “in love” with their step kids, but continue to be kind and loving toward them regardless. He’s 12 now, you’ll blink and he’ll be a young adult. Your relationship will change as he gets older, but in the meantime if you genuinely love his father you’ll just have to do your best to try to love his son.

Well no you wouldn’t be sucking it Jo for 5 years, his parental responsibilities will not end the second his son is 18 so if you don’t like your life generally revolving around a child to some degree then a father isn’t the life partner for you.

Why have you inserted yourself in this situation before you knew if it was for you? Like it or not you now figure in this child’s life. I think you have to compromise and try to do a mixture. I’d say it’s fine to leave them to have some quality time just say they should have some time together. But it shouldn’t be every night

Of course you need to ‘suck it up’ for the next few years, what is the alternative? Tell his son he can no longer stay at his Dad’s house?
You should have thought about this before you rushed in and married his father, but you obviously gave no thought to his son or the practicalities of being a step-mother. Marry in haste, repent at leisure springs to mind.

My bet is you’d feel very differently if it was endless nodding and boring conversation round the dinner table with your own child. That’s not a judgement, rather a natural inclination.

However, as it goes, I think you just need to suck it up and appreciate the harmony. Step kids grow up, and I say this a stepmother myself…it’s a joy when your step kids make it to adulthood and like and respect you. Don’t do anything that would jeopardise that.

You knew what you were getting into, your spirit can fly when he’s not there. But carry on making the effort while he is.

That’s super helpful. Thanks so much.

Yes, if you love the father, then you have to suck it up. There is not an alternative that is going to end well for you. This is why it is not a good idea for people with kids to rush into new marriages.
It is fine to go out when he’s is there though. 1-1 time with his dad is a good thing. Don’t let them guilt trip you into being there 24/7.
I am surprised that there is nothing interesting about what a 12 year old has to say though. I’d understand better if the child was very young.
What are his interests? What are yours? Can you not find any common ground?

Is your husband happy with you being present but not a real part of their lives for the next few years. It's a shit situation to be in trying to be the best father and best husband seperately

You'll get a lot of 'you should have known', OP, but the fact is you didn't, and you're here now.

For me, something shifted when I stopped trying to play 'good stepmother mode' and started being more myself. I realised that to some extent I was trying to act a certain way when my (former) DSS was around, and always have him be the holy centre of everything (as his dad was understandably happy to do) and I just stopped.

You're allowed to show up as yourself, and you'll probably add more to his life by being more yourself, because he'll get to learn and be influenced by a different kind of person. And that's actually much easier when you have a lovely, polite, switched-on kid to work with, as you do.

So if a conversation at the dinner table is boring for you, change the conversation. What do you want to talk about? And how do you get your DSS involved in that chat? I remember I bought one of those conversation card packs – they were questions that were designed to spark a bit of debate, and for a while we'd pick one every Friday night to talk about. They took us down some pretty interesting and often very funny chats.

Or if DSS wants to talk about 12-year old boy stuff, ask him questions that would actually be interesting to hear about.

When my DSS was about that age, Fortnite was his only interest, and I would also want to space out with chat about skins and llamas.

But I started asking him about his thoughts on talking to strangers on gaming platforms and what he would do if someone joined a game that he didn't like, and we ended up in some good conversations about ethics and social behaviour.

He's now 19 and still remembers some of our dinner table conversations. 12 year old boys are 12 year old boys – but they're also capable of a lot more than we sometimes give them credit for.

Is there anything you can do to develop a better bond with your stepchild? Instead of being a passive observer, engage with him more? Maybe all of you go bowling, or go to the cinema, or beach? Instead of being a bystander, be involved with his life.

Could you find a hobby that you can do together to get a better because bond and find more to talk about?

The reality is children can be pretty tedious but when it’s your own you don’t mind. Nature is powerful and the love of your child helps you get through the boredom of child rearing.

I love my kids, niece's, nephew's but am disinterested in other children. My sister has a step daughter who she has known from birth and loves very much however it’s not the same. She is quite happy to have her 3 days a week but doesn’t pine for her the way a mother would when she’s with her biological mum. I know in my heart I could never be a step parent, I am not giving enough to make those sacrifices for a child that’s not mine.

I think you should stand your ground and go out when he’s over if you want to. Sometimes men always want women to be present to make things nicer and easier for them. If he has two loving biological parents then he doesn’t need you to be a fully involved parent. As long as you are kind to him that’s the best you can do.

oh I absolutely know it would be different if it was my child! I think that’s where my guilt comes from! I thought over time I’d fall more in love but I just haven’t…
good call on switching my thinking to how things will change as he gets older … and how fast that will happen … it doesn’t seem so endless and bleak when you say it like that. Super helpful. Thanks x

Hell yes!! This response is bang on and amazing!! Thanks so much!!! So happy to hear that what I’m going thorough ‘is a thing’ (and of course… all those saying ‘I should have known’ is a total waste of my brain power!) and your suggestions on me making the conversation better are so fab!! I’m super keen to give that a go.
So lovely to read a solution focussed response. I really appreciate it.

I feel better already! Wish me luck in my mind shift. I’m going in! 🤣🤣🤣

If he’s 12 now, he’s coming up to the age where he’ll turn into Kevin the teenager and soon he wouldn’t be seen dead having tea with you and his dad and/or he won’t speak to you and will go off to his room to do teenage lads things ASAP. Either that or he’ll go off the rails and get into drugs or something more exciting. Hang in there OP, you’ve just got to give it time.

You sound like you’re expecting your stepson to vanish in a puff of smoke the minute he hits 18. He’s going to be your husband’s son forever and won’t necessarily be leaving home the minute he’s an adult, to make life all cosy for you! Why should he? The poor lad hasn’t done anything wrong, and would be gutted if he knew you couldn’t wait to see the back of him. So would his Dad, so you’re kind of living a lie, which isn’t good for any of you. Don’t think he won’t pick up on it, either. He will, no matter how clever you think you are at disguising your irritation at him being in his own home with his own father.

You need to reframe the way you’re thinking about this, or you’re going to end up damaging your husband’s son for life. It’s like gaslighting, if you’re pretending to like him, but he knows deep down you don’t. You’re the one slotting into his life, not the other way round. Stop acting and pretending. it’s up to you as the adult to try and make your relationship with him more authentic. Do you feel any affection for him at all? You are allowed to say that you don’t know enough about Pokémon/Football etc. to contribute much to the conversation, but please try to be interested for his sake. We all have to do that sometimes with children, and often their enthusiasm is infectious! Can’t you just try to enjoy that he’s happy to communicate with you so readily? Gently steer him towards sharing some of your interests, maybe - birdwatching/chess/country walks, whatever. Find some common ground, so that you can build a proper relationship with him, which will grow as he does, and hopefully as you do too, because you sound very immature and self-absorbed. A relationship based on some respect for him as an individual, rather than regarding him as a nuisance to be tolerated for the next 5 years. Poor boy.

If he’s got two parents who love him then he’ll be fine. Unless she is intentionally cruel to him he’s hardly a poor boy!

Everything you are feeling is perfectly natural. It’s all about balance and compromise. You are well within your rights to have time just to you however you want to spend it. If you need a night away from it, take it. Whether that night is out with friends or watching crap TV in bed do it!

it’s right your step son is the centre of his fathers universe and is prioritised by his father. Fact of the matter is, he isn’t the centre of your universe and that is ok too.

How you feel is definitely how even loving parents feel.
Great advice above.
The years do pass, his life will get very busy and see this time as an investment in the future and laying down the foundations for an easy adult relationship within even a few years.

Definitely knock on the head any guilting.
He needs one on one with his father.

Don't tolerate any manipulation on that score.