7 tickets for Holy Communion - only one for Dad

ThisMustBeMyDream · 2025-04-23T21:45:07+00:00

My OH's daughter has her Holy Communion shortly. Today he has been told he can only have one ticket for the family reserved seating by her mother. The tickets have been given out by school, and the maximum available is 7 - she is keeping 6. SD's mother works in the school. My OH has been told by Mum that the wishes of their daughter is that it is mum, her partner, big sister, her grandparents and great grandma and dad that sit in the family reserved area. Me, I'm fine with that. Fully expected that her mum would do this. I've kept a VERY wide berth for the 7.5 years we've been together. She behaved very badly for the first 5 years of SD's life, and I have no desire to involve myself in any drama. DP feels it's just another way he and his family are pushed out of SD's life. He felt that he should of been offered half (well, at least 3) of the tickets so SD could have his side of the family there. I absolutely agree with him that she is wrong in the way she has gone about it. But the best way is to just ignore it. Asking SD who she wants there is pointless for him as she will just repeat what mum has told her. I've told him he can have who he wants there still, but they will just be in the side Chapel - not in the family seating. He can choose if he wants to sit there, or with his family in the other area. I haven't been at a Holy Communion before though, so I'm not sure if being seated in the side Chapel will mean he isn't included in events. Maybe someone here will know? My question is, has anyone managed to overcome this kind of behaviour where dad is always second best and not included in big life events? Her mum has been better in the last few years, and she has apologised for all her past behaviour. However, actions speak louder than words - this kind of behaviour has been rife throughout her life. At her Christening, mum had her then partner walk down the aisle holding SD as if he was the father. DP wasn't allowed to take his place at the alter. I could go on and in with examples, but I'd be here all day... I'd just like to advise and support my partner in how he feels about his role as her dad. He feels incredibly sidelined really.

AliceMcK · 23/04/2025 22:59

There won’t be much he will be involved in but it’s still nice that both parents sit with their children.

Has he been involved in the preparation classes? The actual Holy Communion is all church based, not school. They will obviously have the relationship with the school but the sacrament is performed by the church, they would have held all the classes and would be the ones organising what family seating is avalible. There may well be other children who don’t attend the school doing it at the same time.

My eldest was during covid so different rules applied. My other DD we had a row assigned to us, other family could sit in the rest of the church.

Our church is linked to another with one parish priest. He assigns 2 weekends to do the communions across the 2 parishes and linked catholic schools, one year it was done over 3 weekends due to numbers making the communions that year.

If he’s attended the classes I would suggest speaking to who ever was running them as they will be the ones running everything on behalf of the church. Failing that ask the school if they would talk to the church about your SD having 2 families that need seating, but unless it’s a small group making the communions then they will probably stick to the set seating rule I’m afraid.

Gattopardo · 23/04/2025 23:12

Is your OH also catholic? What level of involvement does he have in her day to day life ie overnights and residence?

I do think it’s wrong only giving dad’s family one ticket if they share residence equally and also share financial and other parenting responsibilities equally.

If not, then I think it’s more understandable. Kids tend to want those family members who’ve been largest in their lives, to come to the big events.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/04/2025 23:13

How did she manage to get a new DP in time for the christening after having your husbands child?! Wish I'd managed that! (Break up during my pregnancy!)

It sounds like the girl has chosen who she wants in the family seating and she did choose her dad. So dad isn't pushed out.

Original poster

ThisMustBeMyDream · 23/04/2025 23:15

Thank you. OH has said he intends to speak with school. Believe it or not, he's a teacher doing holy communion with his own class this Saturday. So he knows the ins and outs (I'm not religious!). He said he is going to explain that she has two families and relations are difficult - so if they could possibly be seated differently. He thinks it's worth asking. I'm not so sure. But he knows more than me when it comes to church. I didn't even realise that SD would be seated with her family. I naively assumed the children taking it would be seated on benches or the like - as if at school. So I can see why he doesn't like my idea of being seated in the side Chapel.
It probably won't surprise you to find out that mum has refused to allow him to take her to preparation classes. She won't even share information about it. Just said he didn't need to know anything as he doesn't need to do anything on his time with her. Nothing was on class dojo about it either. He doesn't want conflict so he didn't push it further. This is the safest route if I'm honest.

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Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/04/2025 23:16

Ps who are you suggesting should be kicked off? Mums partner? To make space for who, you?
If she lives with mum she'll be a lot closer to mums partner than you.
And who else would dad like to take with the child ticket? Kick great grandma off the family bench to bring an uncle or one of your kids or something?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/04/2025 23:18

'Mum had refused to let him take her to prep classes' if they're on mums evenings then why would he take her, to drive her about on mums evenings?
If she did swimming lessons on dads evenings and mum decided she wanted to do those drop offs so she's included in the swimming lessons wouldn't you find that quite strange?

Original poster

ThisMustBeMyDream · 23/04/2025 23:18

Gattopardo · 23/04/2025 23:12

Is your OH also catholic? What level of involvement does he have in her day to day life ie overnights and residence?

I do think it’s wrong only giving dad’s family one ticket if they share residence equally and also share financial and other parenting responsibilities equally.

If not, then I think it’s more understandable. Kids tend to want those family members who’ve been largest in their lives, to come to the big events.

Yes, he's catholic and teaches in a Catholic school.
He has every other weekend, 1 night in the week and half of all school holidays. He'd have 50/50 but it is court ordered and was a very difficult 5 years of fighting through court.

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Original poster

ThisMustBeMyDream · 23/04/2025 23:21

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/04/2025 23:13

How did she manage to get a new DP in time for the christening after having your husbands child?! Wish I'd managed that! (Break up during my pregnancy!)

It sounds like the girl has chosen who she wants in the family seating and she did choose her dad. So dad isn't pushed out.

OH was a very brief boyfriend - a few weeks . She dumped him very soon in to the pregnancy. She met the first of the new partners when SD was a month old. I wasn't with OH then so I don't know anything more.

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fourelementary · 23/04/2025 23:21

Catholics can get divorced?? I didn’t even know that… and live in sin? Wow. Times move on…

i wouldn’t engage with the drama. The wee girls first communion is about her and her church life not the people in the family or not family section. Her dad can just smile and accept it. What would be the Christian thing to do- turn the other cheek and don’t let on to his dd there is even an issue.

PrincessofLiechtenstein · 23/04/2025 23:21

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/04/2025 23:16

Ps who are you suggesting should be kicked off? Mums partner? To make space for who, you?
If she lives with mum she'll be a lot closer to mums partner than you.
And who else would dad like to take with the child ticket? Kick great grandma off the family bench to bring an uncle or one of your kids or something?

Her other Grandma maybe? Dads mum might want to go

Original poster

ThisMustBeMyDream · 23/04/2025 23:24

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/04/2025 23:16

Ps who are you suggesting should be kicked off? Mums partner? To make space for who, you?
If she lives with mum she'll be a lot closer to mums partner than you.
And who else would dad like to take with the child ticket? Kick great grandma off the family bench to bring an uncle or one of your kids or something?

Maybe mum's partner and maybe the great grandma (she never talks about great grandma, only ever nana and grandad) in favour of dad's parents. Mum's new partner is just that - new boyfriend, less than a year. He's just moved in from what SD says. Should he have priority?
I'm happy to sit in the side chapel if I chose to go. I am unlikely to go, although I'd like to to show SD I care. I'm not sure it's worth the potential hassle.

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Original poster

ThisMustBeMyDream · 23/04/2025 23:25

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/04/2025 23:18

'Mum had refused to let him take her to prep classes' if they're on mums evenings then why would he take her, to drive her about on mums evenings?
If she did swimming lessons on dads evenings and mum decided she wanted to do those drop offs so she's included in the swimming lessons wouldn't you find that quite strange?

It was in dad's time too. He was told that she wouldn't be going on those weeks and that was the end of the matter.

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Enough4me · 23/04/2025 23:25

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/04/2025 23:16

Ps who are you suggesting should be kicked off? Mums partner? To make space for who, you?
If she lives with mum she'll be a lot closer to mums partner than you.
And who else would dad like to take with the child ticket? Kick great grandma off the family bench to bring an uncle or one of your kids or something?

I don't think OP is suggesting kicking anyone out. This is more a question of balance for the child to feel equal support.
(For ref my DCs don't like their dad's partner mainly as she has no consideration or care for them. This Stepmum sounds nice!).

SlamDunkDa · 23/04/2025 23:27

I honestly think it’s fine that the little girl has picked her parents, her mums partner, her sister and her grandparents. These are presumably the people she is closest to. Your partner is getting a seat why can he not just leave it at that. Why the need for half the tickets when his daughter has made her choices on her day!

Original poster

ThisMustBeMyDream · 23/04/2025 23:31

fourelementary · 23/04/2025 23:21

Catholics can get divorced?? I didn’t even know that… and live in sin? Wow. Times move on…

i wouldn’t engage with the drama. The wee girls first communion is about her and her church life not the people in the family or not family section. Her dad can just smile and accept it. What would be the Christian thing to do- turn the other cheek and don’t let on to his dd there is even an issue.

Edited

Huh? I'm not sure I understand the first part. He isn't divorced, as he isn't married (well, not until this July anyway!).

It's the wider issue I'm asking advice on really. He turns the other cheek so many times. But it is resulting in things like this where he feels like the "inferior family". He's just struggling with that emotionally. I'd like to support him.

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Original poster

ThisMustBeMyDream · 23/04/2025 23:34

Enough4me · 23/04/2025 23:25

I don't think OP is suggesting kicking anyone out. This is more a question of balance for the child to feel equal support.
(For ref my DCs don't like their dad's partner mainly as she has no consideration or care for them. This Stepmum sounds nice!).

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I am nice. I don't really refer to myself as stepmum to be honest. We did talk about it recently as we marry this summer. SD has never known a life without me in it as she was 7 months when I met her dad. So she was still very young when I met her. I don't take a typical mum role on though, dad does everything and I just do the things that are nice really to build a relationship that is genuine 🙈. There's no Disney dad in this house!

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fourelementary · 23/04/2025 23:35

ThisMustBeMyDream · 23/04/2025 23:21

OH was a very brief boyfriend - a few weeks . She dumped him very soon in to the pregnancy. She met the first of the new partners when SD was a month old. I wasn't with OH then so I don't know anything more.

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Sounds like a great catholic gal 😆 I can see why there is so much fuss over a first communion. Not.

DoubleShotEspresso · 23/04/2025 23:37

OP I would strongly recommend your DH speaks to the priest. This can be easily & discreetly resolved. Fir instance if there are paternal grandparents/family members they could I am sure be accommodated within the church.
What an awful situation for you all.

fourelementary · 23/04/2025 23:38

ThisMustBeMyDream · 23/04/2025 23:31

Huh? I'm not sure I understand the first part. He isn't divorced, as he isn't married (well, not until this July anyway!).

It's the wider issue I'm asking advice on really. He turns the other cheek so many times. But it is resulting in things like this where he feels like the "inferior family". He's just struggling with that emotionally. I'd like to support him.

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I was assuming wrongly that the mother of his child was his wife- being catholic and all. But I apologise.

Seen by “the inferior family” by who? And why does he care what other people think? I think he needs to stop caring what other people think and stop making it into a power struggle. And concentrate on what is best for his child, which is his presence and low levels of drama and him making her feel like she isn’t pulled in two directions.

Original poster

ThisMustBeMyDream · 23/04/2025 23:42

fourelementary · 23/04/2025 23:38

I was assuming wrongly that the mother of his child was his wife- being catholic and all. But I apologise.

Seen by “the inferior family” by who? And why does he care what other people think? I think he needs to stop caring what other people think and stop making it into a power struggle. And concentrate on what is best for his child, which is his presence and low levels of drama and him making her feel like she isn’t pulled in two directions.

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Seen as inferior by his daughter.

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Original poster

ThisMustBeMyDream · 23/04/2025 23:43

DoubleShotEspresso · 23/04/2025 23:37

OP I would strongly recommend your DH speaks to the priest. This can be easily & discreetly resolved. Fir instance if there are paternal grandparents/family members they could I am sure be accommodated within the church.
What an awful situation for you all.

Thank you. I will suggest this to him. Perhaps better than speaking to the school (which as mum works there means it is already difficult in that respect).

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DoubleShotEspresso · 23/04/2025 23:57

ThisMustBeMyDream · 23/04/2025 23:43

Thank you. I will suggest this to him. Perhaps better than speaking to the school (which as mum works there means it is already difficult in that respect).

Edited

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Whilst schools certainly support in preparations for Holy Communion, I am sure no priest would refuse this request.
Really hope all goes smoothly & peacefully OP! 🙏

Thatsenoughadulting · 24/04/2025 11:36

ThisMustBeMyDream · 23/04/2025 23:25

It was in dad's time too. He was told that she wouldn't be going on those weeks and that was the end of the matter.

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He needs to grow a set of balls and stop letting his ex boss him about. It's not up to her to decide where SD goes on her dad's days and dad should have confirmed timings etc with the school/church directly. Surely the school are aware of the situation if she's old enough to be doing her communion. My DH discussed the family situation with my SDs school as soon as she started. Explained that relations between him and her mum are strained and asked if we could have separate parents evening, newsletters etc. They are aware that of there's limited tickets for something that half should be offered to mum and half to dad. It sounds like your OH hasn't taken much ownership of the situation or been proactive enough in his DDs life and is just accepting the scraps his ex throws him.

justmeandmyselfandi · 24/04/2025 11:41

The irony of the family being petty over something religious, has everyone forgot the basics

Original poster

ThisMustBeMyDream · 24/04/2025 11:44

Thatsenoughadulting · 24/04/2025 11:36

He needs to grow a set of balls and stop letting his ex boss him about. It's not up to her to decide where SD goes on her dad's days and dad should have confirmed timings etc with the school/church directly. Surely the school are aware of the situation if she's old enough to be doing her communion. My DH discussed the family situation with my SDs school as soon as she started. Explained that relations between him and her mum are strained and asked if we could have separate parents evening, newsletters etc. They are aware that of there's limited tickets for something that half should be offered to mum and half to dad. It sounds like your OH hasn't taken much ownership of the situation or been proactive enough in his DDs life and is just accepting the scraps his ex throws him.

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The issue is with that, mum works at the school. It has made it very difficult when it comes to the extra bits. He is on class dojo and has separate parents evening. But he is very careful to not sling mud as ultimately it could cause issues for her at work. He is a teacher, at a different school. So he treads carefully.

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