Hi, I would love some input on this as I'm really unsure how to proceed.
I (40f) have been in a relationship with my partner (45m) for a year and a half, before this I was alone for 8years. I have 4 children, 20, 17, 13 and 11 who are with me full time. He has 2 aged 11 and 9 who he has 2 nights midweek and every other weekend.
Theres a couple of problems I am having and I'm unsure how to address these or if I should even mention it at all.
Firstly, his kids are extremely spoiled, both from him and their mother. They demand and expect things and will 9/10 always get their way, only exception is if my oh doesn't have the money for whatever it is - then the kids will huff over it and complain, cry etc. he has said himself that they are spoilt, but he sees that as the amount of stuff that they have rather than how it affects their behaviour, if that makes sense. He doesn't seem to acknowledge their manipulation tactics or respond to their tantrums. His 11yo is rude and shouts demands at him through the house, my oh laughs it off and does whatever he's told. My kids talk between themselves about how his kids are spoiled, there's no jealousy there, more so they find it irritating to be around.
The next, and probably greater issue if I'm honest, is the behaviour of his son. Since we have met his behaviour has been a concern to me, specifically his language and way he behaves/talks. For example making r#pe jokes, being racist , using the N word, violently hurting his younger sister, calling her and my youngest b#tches, putting inappropriate content on the TV etc. I've spoken to my partner about this over the time we have been together, but he's never done anything about it than say "hey don't do that". I've considered that this behaviour could have been coming from a place of insecurity and that his son was trying to maybe appear cool/show off to my older children, or establish himself as being somewhat older than he is. I put it down to being exposed to content he shouldn't be (both kids are constantly on tictok) and thought that this would settle down over time/his dad would nip it in the bud. But nothing has changed. Although under all that there is a sweet and affectionate boy, he does genuinely believe he is superior to everyone and I am finding him difficult to be around. My children don't enjoy being around him to the point they don't want to go if he's there and they don't want him to come to ours. I've said to my partner before that my kids don't want to come because of his language and behaviour, and he said he's spoken to him about it but then next time we are there it's just the same. At first my kids were shocked and offended, now they are just tired and bored and becoming resentful.
I don't know how involved I should be with this, obviously I don't want things to continue as they are, but Im also aware that if it's not handled properly it could come across as a personal attack on his kids, which would understandably most likely be a deal breaker for him. Is this behaviour a deal-breaker, should I be walking away? After all, it's not ok for my daughter to be called a b#+ch, what kind of example is that setting for how she should expect to be treated...
Any advice gratefully received xx