OH will not speak to his exw about anything important, ever

[Beansbake]

OH has DC with his ex wife 50/50. They have been split for years.

It’s pretty non acrimonious - which is good, I want that for them. They chit chat and stuff but OH never speaking about any serious topics is making me quite angry with him. He seems to be afraid of her but I don’t know why

his DD is going through a very hard time and she is telling OH and I all kinds of things that are really affecting her that are going on at mums house. She is primary age and very emotional, trouble sleeping, crying a lot, clingy to dad and I, tries to stay with us at pick up, calls him crying from mums house all the time, even trying to get out of going to school. She is quite articulate and able to express herself and she feels like shit.

Mum has always been a gentle parent type but she has a partner who is allegedly pretty bossy and strict with a lot of rules. Mum leaves the DC with her partner quite frequently while she works on her time. I don’t judge, she needs to go to work but SDD is telling us that he isn’t all that nice to her and she is getting blamed for this that and the other. She is lashing out a lot there and getting in trouble and then gets told she’s upsetting mum so she is always anxious about her mums feelings. So she will not talk to her mum. She has started saying she’s not normal and she’s a bad person. She is absolutely nothing like this at our house.

I have my own experience as a mother of girls and know how to talk to them. But I am not her parent so I have encouraged her to share this stuff with her dad, which she has started to

I told OH I am quite worried about her. She’s a lovely sweet girl and I can see she’s anxious, losing her confidence and he agrees and is upset but he is still avoiding talking to her mum. Mum has decided with partner to take SDD to get some kind of therapy without inviting or involving dad in it. They seem to want to force change onto SDD into better behaviour and all the responsibility is all on her little shoulders.

Now I don’t think anything sinister is happening at all. But this man appears to be grumpy and controlling whenever I’ve met him and either mum is just turning a blind eye, oblivious or she is also in a shit situation.

I asked him why he wasn’t advocating for his DD and tried to give him non confrontational strategies to open a conversation with his ex to discuss the topic but he just wants to avoid it. I’m not advising he says to her hey your partner is an asshole but to encourage mum to spend 1:1 time with SDD and she might open up, and to listen to her.

Part of me cannot stand to watch this and it’s making me wonder what I even see in him in this case. I would never put up with this for my own kids without at least trying and I strongly believe in teaching girls/women to speak up for themselves.

This keeps me awake at night and it will come between us so I don’t know what to do.

@FoxInTheForest I cannot stress enough she is not ND she has absolutely NO traits of this she is a sad, anxious little girl I have watched her get more anxious and lose her confidence and she will tell you clearly he is the issue. There is nothing like this if you have her a few days she is delightful. No one at the other house is trying to find out WHY she is angry and they are not trying to help her

Why is she waking through the night, phoning to try and refuse school and shouting for prolonged periods when her mum goes to work?
You haven't said her age, but that's not typical at any primary age.

Because she is sad and anxious as she is 50/50 between mum and dad. She is not getting along with stepdad and this is getting worse. She’s always been a pretty bad sleeper, it’s not new, but at her dad’s house she might wake up in the night but then goes back to sleep, no drama, no arguments. You can just tuck her back in. None of it is typical, no which is why I am so worried for her. But she isn’t ND

I don’t know why you are asking this sorry, I already outlined it in the Op. she is having a hard time and it’s impacting her sleep and feelings

she calls crying asking to come back to dad

Yes very alarmed. That sounds like emotional abuse and she’s trying to cope.

is her sibling at her mums house a full sibling? I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if you say that child is also male.
It sounds like she’s being scapegoated as the ‘bad one’.

i think the way to tackle it is to say that all 4 parents in he’d life should be involved in the therapy. Appear to be on side which mum and SDad about getting to the route of the issue but then bring up what the perceptions are in your house (not accusatory, just as a different view)

Oh and my children of primary age wake in the night. It’s a normal childhood behaviour

@MimiSunshine you are correct

I wonder if your DH subconsciously thinks raising things will make things worse for his DD. It easily could. How old is she? And at what age would the courts support her choosing to live with you full time? I think you need professional support here.

Because her behaviour sounds typical for girls with autism, which isn't a problem if people around know how to support her, but it sounds like mum's house are overwhelmed and dad's house is in denial.
You need to all have a meeting, look at the areas DD is struggling in and how to support her, and ask the GP or school for appropriate referrals for support.
Autism would also fit with the school and transition struggles, as well as mum getting the brunt of the outbursts. If she's saying mean things when emotional it's not going to be making DSD feel good either. She needs support to cope with her emotions, not denial of any issue.

I’d encourage your little step daughter to talk to someone at school about what life’s like at mums house, they will get the unedited version and can decide what to do. Children however lovely they are might exaggerate to one parent, so a teacher is likely to get a less bias version too. If Dad won’t do anything I think this is a good backup

I suggested this. Guess what. He hasn’t done anything. I don’t think she would listen to me to tell a teacher about it I don’t think she would feel ok about it

I agree it could be exaggeration but I see her sobbing and she acts completely differently when with dad. Doesn’t get this upset about not being with mum and tries to resist going there

personally I would ask the school if they have seen changes in her - if they have they might ring mum to dicuss

A man with zero conviction for his children is categorically one of the most unattractive features I could never respect. I couldn't stand by and let this happen to the poor DSD. Is leaving an option OP? Sounds like your OH needs tough love

Can you talk to her with your partner present. Tell her that you believe her and that if she’s struggling with going to school because she’s upset and misses mum then to talk to her teachers who will help.

if your partner is present then it appears to come from him too

I feel like it’s not my place to go this far as to ring school or talk to mum. It’s her dad’s job. I would be overstepping the mark and neither parent would appreciate me doing it for the right reasons. I don’t have a close relationship with mum or the teachers I am a step mum but I’m not a replacement mum, she has one, and while I want to help DSD I think it has to be appropriate?

I will end up leaving in the end if I have to watch on so powerless.

Your sdd has a shit dad as well as a shit mum. I can't imagine a man crying at his daughter's pain and then doing nothing about it. He knows she's being hurt by an emotionally abusive man. He acknowledges that hurt and even feels that hurt but still doesn't care enough to get out of his comfort zone and DO something about it. Ultimately it means he cares more about himself than his daughter. This little girl needs help. Someone needs to talk to the school, SS, a trained counselour, whomever, and get her help, since her mum and dad are allowing her to continue to be emotionally abused.

I don't have any solutions but bloody hell how can you be attracted to a man who does absolutely nothing to protect his child in this situation?

@Beansbake Please report what you are seeing and what the situation is at the mum’s house to the local safeguarding team, I posted earlier about this. Something is very wrong here, and proper intervention is needed.

I have made it clear from my OP this is not attractive at all. It’s recently come to a head so I was giving him a chance to act but he hasn’t so I posted here. I’m so angry and seriously questioning what I see in him and that he cares more about himself. I could never be this selfish to do nothing with my own child but this isn’t my child and I don’t know what to do. For her. Not him

Can you encourage her to speak to her Mum about it as her dad is being useless or would that make things worse. If I was her Mum I would want to know how she felt ( and be devastated if she didn't feel like she could talk to me)

What do you have to lose by asking the school to gently investigate? And doing nothing seems cruel. Obviously this is DHs job but he is doing nothing so you are just going to leave her to suffer?

I don’t know the school, the teacher has met me at a school concert a few times I am not the child’s parent. Would it be appropriate for me to ring up would they even talk to me? Would I not look like a possibly over bearing malicious lunatic? My worry is that then everyone will melt down and just focus on what I have done going behind OH’s back rather than the child.

I have told her to talk to her parents.

I will look into the safeguarding thing as that’s the only route I think is appropriate in my situation.

I’ve read half of this and feel sick. That poor girl. It’s the age old story of new boyfriend moves in and suddenly the DC are hated. We see it in the news time and time again. Your DP should be going for full custody. New step dad is an abusive bully. Do something, even if it’s anonymous report to SS or speaking to her school in confidence.

Both her mother and stepfather are abusing her, "at least" emotionally. Her father is enabling it. What a terrible situation for that little girl.
You are her witness: keep on believing her and fighting for her, the way you can. When, like @Snorlaxo has said, she grows up and faces a life of mental health struggles because of her abusive childhood, she is going to need all the light she can take to face that kind of darkness.
I also agree with what @Rainbowshine says re safeguarding concerns.

Also: I think your concerns re overstepping or painting yourself in a bad light with the school are valid. You need to think strategically here, because your ultimate goal is to get help for her. So it's good that you consider the best route to this and take in consideration what those in a position to help might think or believe.

Regarding other posters who advice you to get your dsd to speak to her mother: her mother is abusive. The girls knows she can't talk to her. She is desperately calling for help. Her mother is one of the abusers here, obviously she cannot be of any help.

I would anonymously report abuse.

How old is she? You aren't answering that question. Why?