Having different rules at different households

[lynlyn01]

What do you do when you have conflicting rules between households? The main one for us is screen time. My DSS 6, at his mums, will have his iPad as soon as he wakes up before school, on the way to school, straight after school all the way until lights out. He asks for it constantly but we try and enforce no iPad before school, and a limit when he comes home before homework and dinner. I feel he feels very hard done by when here! He's even told me he tries to wake up early at mums so he can have more iPad time.

He is very well behaved here so don't want it to be a punishment but we definitely want boundaries.

@Hoplolly thank you! I'll take that stance from now on.

Do you have your own DC? That makes it particularly difficult.

My DC don’t even have a tablet. But SS is absolutely glued to his. This means my kids are desperate to watch it too when he’s round.

The tablet goes away when SDC goes home. My kids don’t really tend to ask about it.

They even eat different meals. It was a bit strange to begin with but I find my DC just continue as usual and it’s like two parallel sets of house rules. My DC sometimes eat the UPF crap SDC lives off, but again, it goes away when SDC does.

Pick your battles! I am not exaggerating when I say SDC eats McDonald’s several times a week, often 2-3x over the weekend. I had to put my foot down as DH started taking our joint DC too. I think 2x McDonald’s regularly at the weekend is far far too much and told him he either stops taking SDC or does it discreetly without our kids. Bluntly neither DH nor SDC’s Mum care about SDC nutrition and that’s their choice, but that shouldn’t be a choice they make for my DC too.

I have struggled alot with this and only recently have I managed to just let it go. My house, my rules. Shower is at 8pm every night, hair wash on set nights he's here and bed at 10pm on school nights. Sometimes he plays up but not all the time

I really found it difficult at first and we tried to set the same rules for both households but his mum just doesn't stick with them so i gave up haha

Yes and it’s step child’s mums house and rules. I wouldn't let you dictate rules to me for my child!

I have so much respect for step parents but your comments are bizarre to read.

For me it’s hair wash when needed, set nights are relaxed. Bedtime is depending. Youngest wants to watch I’m a celeb with the rest of the family. Bedtime has been moved.

How do you know he's on it that much do you track the usage? If not maybe dss is pretending and says the same to her?
Also If she's on her own she'll need to occupy him while she cooks showers etc

He’s 6, he will (or should) be capable of
some independent play.

Don’t get me wrong I do use the TV to occupy my 3 and 5 year old whilst I cook and shower, but not exclusively. They can play together or do some colouring etc. They do not need to be glued to a tablet. We have the TV on for an hour or so morning and evening then it goes off. I still get everything done and I’m on my own with them!

My eldest especially likes to practice handwriting (I have the Collins books) and maths etc, he draws, this morning I told them to make Christmas cards and they did that whilst I showered.

We’ve had this recently. My DSS’s mum started co-sleeping with him when he was unwell, and didn’t stop.

He wasn’t doing it in either house until then, and now he wants it in both. The battle we are having to get him to settle and sleep independently on the nights he’s with us started before the summer, and still hasn’t ended.

She is on her own with him, so generally does a lot more moving of boundaries. Which is totally understandable, it’s harder for her in some ways, but it really does create a rod for our back too.

At 6 he will be old enough to understand that at Mummy's he can do some things and at Daddy and LynLyn's he can do other things...

My DS has always been an early riser - When he was 6 and wasn't allowed to play on the screen in the morning (he still isn't at 8) we chatted about what he could do instead. I'd leave colouring and pens out on the kitchen table as well as him keeping a couple of books by his bed.

As it sounds like DSS is switching between houses a lot maybe you could, together, come up with a set of house 'ideas' (a more positive slant on rules!) which could reset him. Before bed I'd get him to tell you what he's going to do when he gets up in the morning so he doesn't think SCREEN SCREEN SCREEN SCREEN!!

Good luck!

I know it's not really the point but iPads and iPhones and the kids really are picking up essential skills. They will be using them every single day forever.

As long as parental controls are on, kids have manners, dinners are device feee & sleep isn't disrupted, then tbh people are a bit ott about device use. Making rules for the sake of it.

My niece works in an it field and has taught her 6 year old to code. It's a tool, like a pen or a book or a kindle.

It's the content that's important and of course some of that should be fun, but fun and education are not mutually exclusive.

I see so many mothers giving themselves a hard time over screen time because that tablets or PlayStations.

If every else is fine (grades, sleeping, manners, socialising ) don't sweat it.

If a child was looked after more by one parent when they were baby/toddler/young child, then they often have a closer emotional connection to that parent. It's a natural consequence of one parent providing more of the care and emotional support, and also to do with that parent developing the skills of how to read their child and be emotionally responsive. Often times, this more emotionally-attuned parent is the mother which is not to say that a father's relationship is not valuable and important, but it might mean that a father needs to do more work post-separation to build this kind of trusting, deep and emotionally caring relationship with their child.

If a father doesn't learn these skills of helping their children open up and welcoming negative feelings without judgement, it can mean that the child tends to share fears exclusively with their mother, and this actually puts quite a lot of pressure on the mother. It might also result in the child wanting/needing extra TLC from mum, which might be more important developmentally post-separation, than missing some schooling. It might also explain why the child has more screen time if mum is overwhelmed and is managing both her own feelings about the separation but also is exclusively burdened by her child's sadness and loss.

So, if you're asking for advice, you might want to find out from your partner how are they encouraging their child to share their fears and worries with them?

Young children can feel a lot of worries even though they appear happy, and easy-going on the surface. You would be amazed at the worries and fears children keep secret.

Obviously this might not be your situation at all and naturally the more responsive parent might be the father, just often when mother's provide primary care for many years, they may end up with a stronger emotional relationship at the time of separation.

That depends how many nights are involved in the EOW doesn't it.

Op has said Friday, Saturday and Sunday so that's 3 weekends nights in a two week period, plus two week nights both weeks so that's 7 nights in a 14 night period - 50/50

You say my house my rules mums house mums rules. Stick to it and kids are fine with it. I'd advise never using iPad as a reward or taking it as a consequence so as not to have him feel he's being punished at yours where he has it less. So long as he's not board and you are doing other things with him then he will be fine.

My kids have different rules at mine and their dads and they try their luck sometimes trying to guilt me into allowing more screen time but they accept I'm stricter on some things/differs approaches to stuff. What they hate about their dads house is they don't feel welcome and/or get told off much harsher than they do at mine. I have iPad and he doesn't but I count tv in the screen time where dad uses tv as the babysitter. They can tell he doesn't actually want to spend time with them. So while they say they want more screen time like at dads they also say they don't want to go to dad because he doesn't play with them 🤷‍♀️