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Original poster

How to recover from massive F up

26 replies

Namefonow · 03/11/2024 17:17

Hi all I really need some advice.

I messed up big time last night and need to recover this for the sake of my children. We are a blended family of 5. Elder 3 are my partners. Younger is mine and we have a 1 year old together.
all having a lovely day yesterday together. I thought I saw the DSS 13 touch DD 6 on her bottom. He caught my eye and left the room. Partner dealt with it brilliantly and sat them both down individually and talked to them. Both said nothing happened. I did not deal with it well at all. To say I lost it would be an understatement. Tried to take the two youngest away and made some serious threats. DSS now doesn’t want me in the house. I get it. But I don’t want to lose my family or my children.
for now I’m staying away but am going back to do bedtime routine with the little ones. I have no idea how to recover from this.
I have apologise d sincerely to everyone but I know it will take time. Any advice would be so welcome. I don’t want to cause anyone any more pain.
for context, I was abused as a young child and freaked out. But that does not for a second excuse my over reaction.

OP posts:
Hoplolly · 03/11/2024 17:51

Posted on your other thread in AIBU, but as I said there, I have no advice but can completely understand how your DSS is feeling if this was totally unfounded. I am part of a blended family with a DSS the same age.

I'd be seriously pissed off if I was his mother too, I'd want to be discussing this so I'd expect that. My DC have a stepmother and if she accused them of something like that and "lost it" I'd probably stop them from going there to be honest.

FfsBrian · 03/11/2024 17:58

I don’t know. If he looked directly at you then left the room I’d feel uneasy too. Also your dd might have said he didn’t touch her bottom be side she was scared at your reaction. When you’ve been abused you are hyper vigilant.

And actually being abused as a child explains your reaction. I’d be exactly the same.

DSS doesn’t get to chose if you live in the house or not.

Go back home. That’s your home too. The longer you stay away the more this will balloon in to something that can’t recover.

Go back home, sit in your room - what ever but go back to where your kids are.

Unless your husband had told you to leave and if he has - I’d be collecting your kids.

Flowers
EG94 · 03/11/2024 18:04

You say serious threats, what might you mean by this. I can understand the reaction and how it came about but you have apologised a lot by the sounds of it. It’s accepted or it’s not but like fuck would a 13 year old dictate who stays in the house I pay for

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 03/11/2024 18:08

Does your DSS know you were abused?

lunar1 · 03/11/2024 18:08

Step parents accused of things they didn't do by their DSC are advised to never be alone either them again and to take it seriously on Mumsnet.

If I was the child's mum, I'd be very reluctant to allow you around my children, mud sticks and more of this could ruin a teenage boys life before it's started.

HunsandRoses · 03/11/2024 18:17

Honestly, if I were DSS Mum I wouldn't want him to be around you for the foreseeable future. I'd be very concerned about the damage you could do to him and there's no way I'd put him in a situation where he could be accused.

I'd be making arrangements for the dad to have access with the 3 older children in my home until we worked out a long term solution or I'd got legal advice on the situation. I'd definitely be seeking advice on access arrangements if I were her. She needs to protect her kids from what could be life changing accusations.

Honestly I don't think there is a way of coming back from that. You're not a safe person for them to be around.

HunsandRoses · 03/11/2024 18:22

Also to add, I'm very sorry for what you experienced as a child, Child Sexual Abuse is utterly abhorrent but you are in serious danger of inflicting psychological harm on a child. Please keep going with getting the help you need 🌺

FfsBrian · 03/11/2024 18:29

OP you say on your other thread you saw him stroking her bottom

Why are you not believing your own eyes?

Your dd might have denied it because she was scared of the reaction you were having.

HunsandRoses · 03/11/2024 18:36

FfsBrian · 03/11/2024 18:29

OP you say on your other thread you saw him stroking her bottom

Why are you not believing your own eyes?

Your dd might have denied it because she was scared of the reaction you were having.

Edited

This is exactly why the 13 year old and the other older children need to be out of the situation.

The poor 6 year old girl is stuck in the middle, not knowing what to say or what the adults need to hear. She's probably scared to open her mouth.

It's not safe for any of the kids now this accusation is out there. You can't put the genie back in the bottle.

FfsBrian · 03/11/2024 18:40

There is a possibility that this did actually happen. But because it was denied by both children - which could be down to OP losing it - OP has now taken 100% of the blame and is doubting her own eyes.

Which is actually very common in abuse victims.

HunsandRoses · 03/11/2024 18:46

FfsBrian · 03/11/2024 18:40

There is a possibility that this did actually happen. But because it was denied by both children - which could be down to OP losing it - OP has now taken 100% of the blame and is doubting her own eyes.

Which is actually very common in abuse victims.

There's also the possibility that it didn't. The OP herself admits that on both threads and felt triggered, which caused her reaction.

The reality is no one will know the truth either way now, which is why the shadow of doubt is very corrosive.

Regardless, either way it's better for all the kids not to be in a situation where they are ever alone again or with the OP. All of them need protection now.

I feel sorry for the dad tbh. What a horrible position to be put in.

FfsBrian · 03/11/2024 18:51

She felt triggered because she saw him doing it.

HunsandRoses · 03/11/2024 18:53

FfsBrian · 03/11/2024 18:51

She felt triggered because she saw him doing it.

Well, the consequences are definitely being felt all round now.

All the children now need protection in this situation. That should be the priority.

SnoopysHoose · 03/11/2024 19:01

I thought I saw
not even sure what you saw and you've kicked off with threats?
you sound irrational and volatile.

mm81736 · 03/11/2024 19:25

Did you have a good clear line of sight to what was going on? If you did and you were convinced you saw it, then maybe you were right? Have YOU spoken to your dd about it?

Hercisback1 · 03/11/2024 19:32

It's odd that they are both saying nothing happened if you saw it. Is there any chance your positioning meant you thought you saw something but didn't? Perspective and angles can make things look like a different thing happened.

Did you get worked up before your partner intervened?

You're in a really difficult situation and I feel for you all. Your DSS may not have done anything wrong and he's been screamed at. No one will ever know the truth now, there wasn't a camera so you have to accept that.

Apologise and mean it. Supervise your children around DSS for the foreseeable.

FfsBrian · 03/11/2024 19:33

SnoopysHoose · 03/11/2024 19:01

I thought I saw
not even sure what you saw and you've kicked off with threats?
you sound irrational and volatile.

No she sounds like an abuse victim who’s brain falls back in to doubt as it’s safer to doubt herself than to push on with what happened.

In her other thread she is clear on what she saw. The self doubt and blame is kicking in because the reality is she will most likely have to beg for forgiveness to get her family back or believe her own eyes and deal with the consequences.

Original poster
Namefonow · 03/11/2024 21:07

I understand what you are all saying. Genuinely. The children are all that matter. I have come home but staying in the summer house to be respectful. My 1 year is still breast fed and is struggling without me. I have no where else to go. My children (step kids included) are the centre of my world. Their mother does not have custody but I understand where the concern is coming from. The last thing I want to do is brand a good boy with a life altering name.
I did see what I saw. Categorically. However, it may have been innocent from SS’s perspective. They were having a bit of rough and tumble prior to this and she was sitting on his lap. My kids are not in danger as my partner will look after them all. I have not the slightest doubt about that. He is a good man and an even better father.
I made no threats to the boy. My only threat was that I am leaving with the two little ones. But that’s enough to put worry into their heads. I have directed no anger towards him. Before leaving this morning I explained to him why I reacted as I did and apologised. I asked his permission to come home to put the little ones to bed tonight. I have now done that and have gone to the summer house.
there is no doubt that in this situation I could be described as irrational. I was scared and acted in a way that disgusts me. I need help for that and I have booked therapy for early next week.
I guess what I am asking is for advice how to approach my SS and make him feel safe again. He is not a bad boy. He is a good big brother. He is also 13 and I will make allowances for that while absolutely ensuring that his sisters are safe.

OP posts:
Saddm · 03/11/2024 21:12

My toddler dc(4) was abused by a sibling under my nose(14).... Don't be so quick to decide you made a mistake... The sibling in my scenario was so convincing a liar it fucking terrified me. Dc disclosed to me that older sibling had told them not to tell.

Maybe why your dd said it never happened... Your dh is naive if he thinks this can't happen... I have no easy answers op. But leaving for now with your dc may be best. Imo giving your dc a safe space to be honest is a good idea...

stichguru · 03/11/2024 21:50

You need to be VERY factual about what you saw and why it upset you so much. You then need to talk to your husband and think about how to approach the kids. The kid is 13, he will probably get why certain things upset you if you explain it to him. It could be that he could be a catalyst in helping you recover from the fear that a certain behaviour is "abuse" which is probably a very understandable reaction based on your own experience. Also I think you need to make sure your children are very clear on stopping rough housing when another asks, as this makes all the kids more secure and safer.

takeittakeit · 03/11/2024 23:42

You accused a 13 yr old boy of molesting his 6 yr old step sister whilst she was by the sounds of things sitting on his lap voluntarilly and they had been happily larking around before this.
If it was innocent, he would be mortified - spare some thought for the other child in this possibly being falsely accused of being sexually inappropriate.

You and DP need to both sit down with him and understand the situation and he needs to understand why you reacted as you did to what you think you saw or did not see.

Both of you need to understand why you reacted and he needs to be given the opportunity to defend himself.

Gingerkittykat · 04/11/2024 00:14

What does your partner say about you leaving the house and sleeping in the summer house?

HunsandRoses · 04/11/2024 12:18

I apologise if this offends you OP, but I've just had a read of your other thread on AIBU and a poster has highlighted that your relationship seems to have been struggling along anyway.

Having had a look at your previous threads this relationship sounds dead in the water anyway.

He had an affair, you had a pregnancy that your partner didn't want and this family has struggled to blend. You want to be married, he doesn't.

It sounds like this environment might not be great for all the kids and this is the last straw.

Maybe time to separate and then you can ensure ALL the kids are in safe and secure environments.

Itstakingtoolong · 04/11/2024 12:25

A 13 year old doesn’t get to decide who lives in the house. Go back. Apologise but make it clear that there will be strict boundaries in place

HunsandRoses · 04/11/2024 12:35

I think this situation is a lot more complex than any of us know.

The OP may not be allowed back in the home by her partner if its his property. They aren't married and have been having long term issues.

It sound like there's alot going on, which may not be solved by the OP just putting her foot down.

Deep breath, time apart and legal advice might be needed to sort this situation out.