Changing bedrooms for Step Children

[NattyAnt]

Hi,
Just after a bit of advise with what to do regarding our bedroom situation with step children.
We have a four bedroom house, my partner has 2 children, I have 1 child and we have 1 together. His children share the largest room, but now they have gotten older they rarely stay at our house, one last stayed in the summer the other probably 9 months ago. They have said they don't want to stay here as they aren't close to their friends and have exams this year so have lots going on. They have no possesions at our house, just a bed each. Our youngest child is in the smallest room which he is out growing rapidly, he needs a single bed but once we put that in there, with a wardrobe and chest of drawers there isn't space left for anything else.
My suggestion was to change the rooms around so that the children that live here have the biggest rooms and we make the small room a guest/office space. My SDs will still have privacy and each have a sofa bed to sleep on when they do stay over.
My partner was happy with this arrangement until he spoke to his eldest and she was very angry and said she will never stay here again if her room is taken away. I understand its hard for them but also feel that we have a huge room sat empty and practically, I just want to organise the rooms so that everyone has the space that they need based on who lives here and has the nost belongings to store. Any advise or past experiences with similar situations would be very helpful.

Ideally people would have enough bedrooms for each DC
I would hate to think if my DH and I split up my DC would be expected to sleep on a chair

What are the ages and sexes of all of the children?

The two older children of DP don't visit now, but are they young enough that this may change in future? Or are they late teens and likely to be off living their own lives anyway?

Are your child and the shared child similar age and sex?

Could a temporary solution be that your child and the shared child share the bigger bedroom for a year or two, and turn their current two bedrooms into spaces for the older two. Then if the older two don't visit over the next year split your two up again.

Facing a similar dilemma over the next few years. We're just going to have to tell them to lump it. The room is empty for a month at a time sometimes now the dsc would rather be at her boyfriends.

Yes, I’d swap no hesitation

Is it completely step kids choice not to be with you more? If the step-up is that they could chose to live part-time with one parent and part-time with the other, but they have chosen to live with one parent and be occasional guests at the other's house. then it is fine to treat them as occasional guests at the house they don't live in.

If their parents' choice have necessitated them not spending equal time with each parent that's different. Say, their dad met you, and moved far from his kids because you lived there and didn't want to uproot your kids from school. Then I would say when the kids come in holidays they deserve to feel like it's their home, and have their own good sized rooms. It isn't their fault that their dad decided to make them occasional visitors!

How old and what sex are all the kids?

The SC are both girls, 16 and 14, I have a son who is 12 and with us FT and we have a son together who is almost 5. It really wouldnt be practical for the boys to share, the age gap is too great, it would be very disruptive for them.
Also feel that they deserve to have their own space, the girls each have a large room at their mums house and as they are rarely at our house now it seems unfair to put boys together and then have 2 rooms that arent used.
Bunk beds maybe an option but just felt girls were too old for that and would prefer chair beds next to each other. I would put lots of effort into the room and make sure it was practical and comfortable for them, we would hate for them to ever feel like 'guests' or unwelcome, but they have decided themselves not to come here often so felt that for the odd night they would stay it would be ok.
I think for now we will keep as it is and create storage and office space in the large room and then reassess again if they still continue not to come over the next year or so.
Thank you for everyones advise, been very helpful to see it from different points of view. Its very hard with blended families to make the right decision, there will always be someone who isnt happy with our choices but we are trying to do our best!

Yes, it has been their choice unfortunatly. Their Mum moved over an hour away from us much to DH disappointment. He was always very involved in their lives and had them almost 50/50 but once they moved it was impossible for him to continue due to school, clubs etc. Their mother has been very manipulative and taken more and more days away from him and turned girls against him. He has fought hard over the last few years and now has brilliant relationship with them but they still choose to live FT at their Mums. They are teenagers and see no benefit coming to our house where they cant see their friends all weekend!

You say "It's their choice" and then go on to explain why it is NOT their choice. You need to stop playing off against their mum and see their mum and dad as equal players. I would think that they might LOVE to spend more even time with their parents but -

• Their parents' forced them to chose which house to spend the school week in, because their parents decided to live too far apart for them to commute to school from both houses.

• At weekends, they can only see their friends (which is a normal teenage activity) from one house, because their parents chose to live too far apart for them to see their friends from either house.

Now you and your hubby want to confirm that you see them as are only occasional guests at yours. I get why you want to give them less space and I don't think it is wrong per se. However their parents' choices have forced them to live 2 lives, and now, you are confirming that they are "guests" not "family" at your house. If you want them to feel like family, you need to acknowledge that in the set-up their parents have created, it's natural that they spend more time at their mum's, but that you see them as just as important in YOUR family as your other children.

Give your 12 year old one of the larger room, the two stepdaughters share the second larger room, and the 5 year old will be fine in a single room. He could have a high sleeper type bed to give him more floor space and storage. He won’t mind having the smallest room, he’s 5. By the time it’s an issue his stepsisters will have left home anyway. If it’s months in between their visits, no reason why he can’t use the girl’s room for playing in between visits especially if they don’t keep that much stuff at yours.

it’s not fair to expect them to sleep on chair beds, and it’s not fair to the two kids who live there full time to have to share so the others can have their own rooms when they occasionally visit.

Move your 5yo's toys into the biggest room with the exisiting SD's beds. His current room will be big enough for a bed and clothes (drawers under the bed instead of chest of drawers) if he is just sleeping in there and less distraction at bedtime too. Assuming your 12yo's room is big enough for his needs now, otherwise swap them.
Give it a couple of years and revisit.

Unless the girls stay more often then they get the benefit of larger rooms at their mums house, the boys deserve the same. I wouldn’t pander to the older children personally. There is still room for everyone, they aren’t being pushed out and they enjoy large rooms where they stay full time.

I knew the moment I opened this that you’d be somehow in the wrong no matter what you did.

So your SDs mum chose to move a distance away that meant they had to choose to spend 99% of their time with her in order to see friends etc. Yet it’s somehow you, the evil stepmum, who is in the wrong here for not wanting unused rooms in your home?

One hasn’t stayed for months, one hasn’t stayed in almost a year. Is the frequency really going to increase as they get older? Probably not.

I think it’s fine to have sofa beds there for them. You sound like you’re a decent person trying to please all parties and if/when they visit I’m sure they’re included and feel wanted. A sofa bed won’t undo that.

What's a chair bed? I'm not sure I understand how a room can fit two chairs that extend to single bed size, with room in the middle, and that same room is too small for a five year old?

But who gets to grow up with their father full time.

Stepchild bingo going on here in full force.

OP’s other child isn’t living with their father. Should they not have a bigger room?

It’s not their choice. The parents made the choice to live an hour apart. Mom could have chosen to live closer. Dad could have chosen to fight having his children move away. Instead, both parents thought it was ok for dad to become an occasional parent. blaming it on the daughters is unfair.

That the daughters have lives and find it difficult to travel frequently is not their fault.

No child should have to lose out and not even have a proper bed.

It's too soon to "take their room away" IMO.
Logically/practically you are quite right, the house should be arranged to suit the people who actually live in it and call it home. With the best will in the world, your DSDs don't consider it to be their home (they are now at best occasional guests) so it's difficult to see why anyone else should pretend that it is their home.
But its such a difficult age and difficult set of circumstances they have been thrust into and taking away their option to stay (comfortably) at their dads is a bad move.
I'd reassess in the summer. There may be a happy medium somewhere in between having the largest bedroom as an empty shrine and only having a chair bed to accommodate them.
In the meantime I'd be borrowing space in there to store your child's things, as long as it would be relatively easy to make the room ready for them again.