Contact on non-contact days

[HebburnPokemon]

In a 50/50 situation, is it normal for teen DSC to still phone/text asking for things to be brought to their mums house. So dad is never off duty and must be on hand to help out at a drop of an hat?

Mums drives too so not a case of transport issues.

This was not the situation when we met.

You're never off duty as a parent. I used to ring my dad for lifts or because I'd left something I needed there all the time. Sometimes I'd just call or pop in because I fancied seeing him on a day that wasn't arbitrarily assigned to him.

It's awful to think some parents wouldn't want to help because it's not their day to bother with their children.

I agree with this. We've never strictly adhered to a contact schedule.

When the children were small we would always be willing to help out on "mums time" if she had plans and she'd do the same for DH. Now they are teens they come over when they like.

No need for personal insults. I'd say you are coming across as fairly unpleasant yourself with this post.

Wow.

It sounds like you're getting to the end of your tether with the stepchildren, OP.
And reading your other threads, your husband also.
I'm sorry you're feeling so harassed.
I hope things work out for you.

What is it you have an issue with? Does he? Is it daily? Kids need stuff from different houses at times, they feel comfortable with their dad being the one they ask, what's the issue you have with it?

I'm assuming it wasn't the situation when they were born either.

It isn't their fault they're having to live between two houses. If it's an issue then provide them with 2 of everything. If your husband was still with their mother then he'd be available 24/7 and that should remain so.

My DC are 14 & 16. They see their dad every other weekend.
If they need a lift or something from his house dropping over….he does it. Because he’s THEIR DAD.
Just like if they’re with him and they need something I don’t say “tough luck kids, it’s your dads weekend, deal with it”
Obviously if DD16 forgot her mascara or something insignificant then I wouldn’t expect him to bring it round but if they need their dad, he’s there. Like parents should be.

I’d gently suggest that if you don’t like that….then you leave the relationship.

There is no off duty. He's a parent 24/7.

It's not a job.

But the dad could say no if it was an unreasonable request? Teach his kid to be more independent just like all parents do?

This is how it should be

Not the kids fault they live in 2 places

And if you can help you will

But it is actually good that threads like this exist. It’s important women realise the realities of being with a man with kids from previous relationships. It often means the ‘new family’ suffers because dad’s in the car all the time. That and a million other issues.

And the children from his previous relationship do not suffer t all - seriously pyjamatime!

When you become a parent, you sign up to 24/7/365 - you do not get days off, if my kids want to speak to me they can, not just on days they are with me.Yes boundaries are good - they know better not to phone me on certain mornings at work but lunchtime is fine etc.

Only on mumsnet do we see this division of her time and his time for children, if they want to speak to Dad when with me - go for it, their needs not a rigid protocol

@takeittakeit did I say they didn’t suffer? It’s not ideal for anyone.

We are not a 50/50 household but if my kids forget something then I’ve either bought another (eg charger) or told them to suck it up until next visit (eg particular hoodie)
If the parents have 50/50 then I assume that the parents live in reasonable distance of each other. As the child is teen I would tell them to travel to the other parent’s house and pick it up. The hassle will hopefully try and remind them to be more organised next time.
I would never expect to be off duty in between as my kids would be texting me about stuff.

A parent can't be off duty or part time! The parents in this example are lucky they don't have to move their stuff around all the Tim yet expect the teenagers to and never forget anything. Can't be easy for the children.

I'd tell him to instigate a rule where the kids owe him thd time he spends running back and forth on jobs round the house or community. That way it shifts responsibility on to the kids to remember things but he's still available if it's an emergency. If they miss him there's other ways to contact him.

Avoids the whole argument about 'off-duty', who will or won't drop things off.

justthe new family that suffers

What do you mean ‘owe him the time’, what does that look like in practise?

You want their dad to 'bank' time that they 'owe' for just doing tasks that dads do?!

He isn't their dad just 50% of the time.

Please tell me you don't have children?

It would be really helpful to know what things we are talking about. If it is a hairbrush or lipgloss like some people said then yes it would be spectacularly wasteful to drive around to deliver this. The environmental impact of these empty miles driven would be ridiculous!

I don’t understand what would be so important that they would need it immediately apart from special occasion outfits or school things but again - you have to find a balance between enabling their laziness and forgetfulness out of a feeling of guilt (“a good dad has to drop everything for his kids so I’m doing this drive to prove im a good dad”) and allowing for them living in different houses.

It tends to only be "big stuff" that gets delivered or picked up non-contact days e.g. hockey stick so she doesn't have to take it to school and back on a non-hockey day, or weekend bag picked up on a Friday after school, or got locked out of something on her phone and needs the password resetting which is on Dad's account....they live within walking distance though and she has keys for both homes so it's not really a big ask and she can always collect stuff herself.