AIBU - gifting

[Thelifeofawife]

I just want a bit of perspective to see if I’m being over sensitive or if I’m right to be upset before I raise this with DH.

Mothers day usually consists of small/inexpensive gifts for both me and SC mum.

This year I got an expensive candle which I had wanted for Christmas but DH let it pass him by (I made a few suggestions, non of which he bought). I thought this was his way of making it up to me.

It’s come to light that he bought SC mum jewellery for Mother’s Day.

It now feels as though the only reason he spent more on me was because he was getting jewellery for her.
I have tried to reason with myself that perhaps his SC asked him to get it, but even so, when it’s usually something inexpensive that they get why not just say no?! Or if he felt he didn’t want to disappoint SC by saying no, why not ask my DC or even SC what special/sentimental gift he could get for me, so it would be more balanced? He knows that I wouldn’t get something like that off my ex

[EG94]

thought I’d reply as no one else has. I get it. I’m not seen on Mother’s Day anyway. We used to gift the ex on birthdays Xmas, Mother’s Day etc small inexpensive gifts. Then she stopped gifting and didn’t say thank you. We stopped too. The kids make cards pictures etc but no gifts. If they ask we say we don’t buy gifts for each other anymore. Maybe petty but the ex causes drama and fuck her frankly. That said Xmas just gone OH was pissed off with me so let the kids buy her a gift just to fuck me off and admitted it. I got the same thing different style. What hurt was mums was wrapped in Xmas paper and bowed mine was in plain brown parcel paper. Not even my name written so I do get where you’re coming from. You’re now the partner so your gifts in my opinion should have a higher price tag and exs small inexpensive every time without debate.

[Coconutter24]

Was you happy with the candle when you received it? Before you knew SC got their mum jewellery

[Notamum12345577]

Have you got kids with your husband?

[Thelifeofawife]

Thank you for the replies.

I was happy with my gift but it was bittersweet because it was supposed to be my Christmas present.
Now I know he got something special/sentimental for his ex it feels like I just don’t matter.

We don’t have kids together but I’m step mum to his child and have a child of my own.

Like I said, previously it’s only been something cheap and cheerful for each of us (as far as he’s made out), so this just feels so insulting

[Thelifeofawife]

@EG94

thought I’d reply as no one else has. I get it. I’m not seen on Mother’s Day anyway. We used to gift the ex on birthdays Xmas, Mother’s Day etc small inexpensive gifts. Then she stopped gifting and didn’t say thank you. We stopped too. The kids make cards pictures etc but no gifts. If they ask we say we don’t buy gifts for each other anymore. Maybe petty but the ex causes drama and fuck her frankly. That said Xmas just gone OH was pissed off with me so let the kids buy her a gift just to fuck me off and admitted it. I got the same thing different style. What hurt was mums was wrapped in Xmas paper and bowed mine was in plain brown parcel paper. Not even my name written so I do get where you’re coming from. You’re now the partner so your gifts in my opinion should have a higher price tag and exs small inexpensive every time without debate.

I’m sorry your DP got something for his ex just to piss you off, that’s awful. And now he’s done it the kids will expect it in future.

This is the thing for me, his ex is so high conflict and messes around with contact often, she doesn’t bother getting him a gift for special occasions half of the time either, so for him to go all out and do this is just so surprising. She also has DC with her current partner. I find it all very odd

[EG94]

@Thelifeofawife

I’m sorry your DP got something for his ex just to piss you off, that’s awful. And now he’s done it the kids will expect it in future.

This is the thing for me, his ex is so high conflict and messes around with contact often, she doesn’t bother getting him a gift for special occasions half of the time either, so for him to go all out and do this is just so surprising. She also has DC with her current partner. I find it all very odd

He can be an arsehole tbh. Very petty childish and point scoring with him. I don’t play games tho so he then just gets frustrated when he doesn’t get a reaction.

yea if she’s that way just have her kids make her something that’s what we did. She’s one minute or you’re a great dad but as soon as he doesn’t dance to her tune he doesn’t do enough 😂 honestly she’s a twat and I just cba with her and her drama.

[DontCallMeKidDontCallMeBaby]

You’re now the partner so your gifts in my opinion should have a higher price tag and exs small inexpensive every time without debate.


I’m not sure this is necessarily true in this case though. I am absolutely not saying that your partner should have bought expensive jewellery for his ex, but I also don’t think a gift for a step-mam should have a higher value than that for the (presumably involved) mother.

I have a wonderful step-mam, and have always given her a small Mother’s Day gift. But children work out the value of money quite young, and i would have been very uncomfortable with my dad expecting me to gift my step-mam something lavish/expensive, but give me own mam the ‘token’ gift.

[EG94]

@DontCallMeKidDontCallMeBaby

You’re now the partner so your gifts in my opinion should have a higher price tag and exs small inexpensive every time without debate.


I’m not sure this is necessarily true in this case though. I am absolutely not saying that your partner should have bought expensive jewellery for his ex, but I also don’t think a gift for a step-mam should have a higher value than that for the (presumably involved) mother.

I have a wonderful step-mam, and have always given her a small Mother’s Day gift. But children work out the value of money quite young, and i would have been very uncomfortable with my dad expecting me to gift my step-mam something lavish/expensive, but give me own mam the ‘token’ gift.

I’m not saying £50 on new partner £5 on ex but ex choccies and current something she’s mentioned wanting or needing pjs maybe. Doesn’t have to elaborate but cost and effort should be on current partner not ex in my opinion.

[DontCallMeKidDontCallMeBaby]

@EG94

I’m not saying £50 on new partner £5 on ex but ex choccies and current something she’s mentioned wanting or needing pjs maybe. Doesn’t have to elaborate but cost and effort should be on current partner not ex in my opinion.

But its Mother’s Day. The gift isn’t from the partner, it’s from the children. The partner is facilitating the children’s gift as they’re presumably too young to do it themselves. A box of chocolates each, maybe. But actually teaching the children that their mam deserves less effort from them isn’t right.

[Winter2020]

He is getting the gift on behalf of the children not himself. So if they are young a "mum" necklace from Claires for example (if that still exists) if that's what the kids wanted to get I think is fine but if you are talking gold that's OTT.

I think it's bad people saying "we" don't buy thr mum gifts. It should be from the kids so if they are old enough they should be able to use their pocket money or given a tenner to get something. You might as well say "we don't allow the kids to buy their mum a gift" as that's the truth of it.

[EG94]

@DontCallMeKidDontCallMeBaby

But its Mother’s Day. The gift isn’t from the partner, it’s from the children. The partner is facilitating the children’s gift as they’re presumably too young to do it themselves. A box of chocolates each, maybe. But actually teaching the children that their mam deserves less effort from them isn’t right.

the mother doesn’t buy for the dad so that’s not right either 🤷🏼‍♀️

[Mummame2222]

How often do you have SC? A token gift is enough for a SM imo. He helped his kids get a lovely present for their Mum, that’s great.
All of that sounds reasonable tbh.

[Thelifeofawife]

For context, I’m talking proper jewellery, well over £100.

In terms of gifts for me, he gets them, it’s not the DC choosing, they don’t even know whether I have gotten something or not (other than a card). But I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect that he would stick to chocolate & PJ’s for her when that’s what it’s been in the past (same for me), and when she often ignores Father’s Day, birthdays and Christmas.
I appreciate those saying it’s for the kids, but then how is that fair on my child when DH knows I won’t get anything substantial off my ex. We may not have children together but we are supposed to be a family unit and I’d never splurge like that on my ex whilst getting my DH something less.

[DontCallMeKidDontCallMeBaby]

@EG94

the mother doesn’t buy for the dad so that’s not right either 🤷🏼‍♀️

So the children already have one adult who’s putting their wants first? Just because mam is fine with putting the children in an uncomfortable situation, doesn’t mean the dad has to do the same. It would be nice if at least one parent who considered the children’s’ feelings first. A £1 bunch of daffodils each is enough for the children to have something to give without forcing them to ‘favour’ their step-mam.

[Thelifeofawife]

Also just to say DC is old enough to go and get something if given some money

[DontCallMeKidDontCallMeBaby]

@Thelifeofawife

Also just to say DC is old enough to go and get something if given some money

Sorry, I think I may have misunderstood. I thought the issue was that the children had chosen a more expensive gift for their mam. So his children don’t even know they gave you a candle? Was it more of a ‘thank you for being a mother figure’ from him? Maybe ask him to knock that on the head, and ask if he’d help your child buy something for you? A gift chosen by her would maybe feel more special, whatever the value?

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to discuss a spending limit on gifts for your exes (assuming the money is coming from the joint pot). Maybe suggest he gives the children the children a budget and lets them choose next year.

[Mummame2222]

@Thelifeofawife

For context, I’m talking proper jewellery, well over £100.

In terms of gifts for me, he gets them, it’s not the DC choosing, they don’t even know whether I have gotten something or not (other than a card). But I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect that he would stick to chocolate & PJ’s for her when that’s what it’s been in the past (same for me), and when she often ignores Father’s Day, birthdays and Christmas.
I appreciate those saying it’s for the kids, but then how is that fair on my child when DH knows I won’t get anything substantial off my ex. We may not have children together but we are supposed to be a family unit and I’d never splurge like that on my ex whilst getting my DH something less.

I disagree. This is for his kids (and a thanks to the woman raising them) I think YBU. I do understand your jealousy but I think it’s a little misplaced.

[Thelifeofawife]

@Mummame2222

I disagree. This is for his kids (and a thanks to the woman raising them) I think YBU. I do understand your jealousy but I think it’s a little misplaced.

The point is that it’s one thing to get a gift to acknowledge mum but I don’t think it’s right to spend that kind of money, when we aren’t exactly flush, on a Mother’s Day gift for his ex who gives him nothing but grief and hasn’t been a very nice mother to DC lately (but that’s another story), and then not choose something special for his wife who is parenting when DC is here.
Whats wrong with sticking to the usual gifts if he didn’t want to put in special effort for both of us.

However, I asked for others views and you’ve have given that, so I will take it on board

[Thelifeofawife]

May I ask how it’s dealt with in your family unit; does your DH/DP do something on a bigger scale for SC mum than you as the stepmum?

[Mummame2222]

@Thelifeofawife

The point is that it’s one thing to get a gift to acknowledge mum but I don’t think it’s right to spend that kind of money, when we aren’t exactly flush, on a Mother’s Day gift for his ex who gives him nothing but grief and hasn’t been a very nice mother to DC lately (but that’s another story), and then not choose something special for his wife who is parenting when DC is here.
Whats wrong with sticking to the usual gifts if he didn’t want to put in special effort for both of us.

However, I asked for others views and you’ve have given that, so I will take it on board

I get what you’re saying definitely, and I think it would be fair of you to communicate how your feeling with him so he’s at least aware.

[Thelifeofawife]

We had a similar situation years ago, for Christmas, and I told him then how I felt then.
Getting a gift for your ex off a child should really be something simple, a nice gesture, not spending loads of money (unless you’re particularly well off and it’s peanuts to you) and not making your current partner feel less special.
Thats just my view but he knows it. And from what I gather he didn’t go all out on gifts even when they were together

[DontCallMeKidDontCallMeBaby]

@Thelifeofawife

We had a similar situation years ago, for Christmas, and I told him then how I felt then.
Getting a gift for your ex off a child should really be something simple, a nice gesture, not spending loads of money (unless you’re particularly well off and it’s peanuts to you) and not making your current partner feel less special.
Thats just my view but he knows it. And from what I gather he didn’t go all out on gifts even when they were together

I think Christmas is a COMPLETELY different situation though. A token gift for the children to give to their mother and more expensive/extravagant gifts from him to you is totally reasonable (and what I’d expect to happen). If he wants to put the children’s names on the tags to you too, that’s fine cos they’re from him to his wife. It’s not the same as encouraging the children to give more to their stepmother than their actual mam on MOTHER’S Day. I think his previous poor behaviour has (understandably) clouded your judgement here.

All that said, unless you’re very wealthy I do agree that £100 worth of jewelry is an insane Mother’s Day gift for his ex. I just disagree that the gifts seemingly from the children should cost more for you than her, on this specific day. I understand that it made you feel ‘less special’, but it was a day to celebrate the children’s mother. It’s understandable and expected that she would be ‘more’ special to the children.

[Thelifeofawife]

I guess it’s the whole picture really, she doesn’t make the effort for him for special occasions, she is always causing drama, he usually buys something small, the fact that she’s not been particularly kind to or put SC first of late (can’t say much on this without being outing), added to the fact he’s always moaning about having no money, then he goes and spends over £100 on a big sentimental gift.

If it was something like he regularly bought her flowers, chocs and a teddy but only got me flowers I wouldn’t feel so bothered by it

[DontCallMeKidDontCallMeBaby]

£100 is madness, I don’t know what he was thinking. But beyond that, I think you need to reframe how you look at this. It’s not about the ex, it’s about the children.

I’m looking at this from a slightly different angle, I was the stepchild. I had one parent who like you partners ex refused to do anything ‘for’ my other parent (I remember trying to fake being sick the night before I was supposed to go to one of the houses, because it was that parents birthday and I had nothing to give them). My other parent always made sure I had an appropriate card and little gift. I’m in my 30s now, and I’ll leave you to work out which parent I have the most respect for.


Absolutely speak to him about blowing your household budget, but please, please don’t make life more uncomfortable for the kids just because their mam is selfish.

[Upallnight2]

I think it's definitely off that he's spending that much on an ex for mother's day. I wouldn't get (or want) my DH to spend that amount on mother's day, never mind for an ex. What was ever wrong with a homemade card and bar of chocolate from the child?
Why the sudden change to jewellery after usually a token gift?