I feel so bad for my DH

[Illpickthatup]

Not really a step-parenting issue but it involves my stepsons.

I have 2 stepsons who are 16 and 17. 16 year old lives an hour away and he used to visit EOWE and half the holidays but he's not really been coming through since he was about 14. Frequently ignores DHs calls and texts, always has an excuse. Claims he didn't see his text or didn't hear it ring yet when he's here he's never off the thing. He basically only comes through for his birthday and Xmas. DH has pulled him up for it and said he feels like he's just a cash machine to them. But any time there's been any issues at school, DSS is getting bullied, getting into trouble with police etc it's DH he phones and DH goes through as sorts it. His mum is lovely but not very good in a crisis.

My other DSS who's 17 is technically my DHs DSS too but he's raised him since he was 3 and he's calls my DH dad. After DH and his ex split DSS and DSD6 did 50:50 but last September after a few issues with his mum he moved in with us full time. He left school and DH managed to get him a job. We've had issues with laziness and hygiene. Typical teenage boy stuff and DH has spoken to him on several occasions. DSS has been in a good routine, going to work and is chipping in with housework. I thought things were going well. He's never bothered with DHs birthday/Xmas or father's day and has got him a card on occasion. I spoke to DSS a few weeks ago about his dad's birthday coming up and said now that he's earning money it would be nice to get his dad a little something. He said he had already thought about what to get him so I thought great.

It was DHs birthday this week and no card, no gift, he didn't even wish him happy birthday. DH is really quite hurt and had a go at him yesterday about it and told him he was thoughtless and was it too much effort to pop to the shop and spend £2 on a card or a bar of chocolate. DSS had nothing to say for himself. He thinks nothing of spending £100 when it's his girlfriends birthday and managed to get his mum a card and gift for mother's day when she's still not managed to get his provisional licence that was supposed to be his birthday present in January. He even got me a mother's day card and a bar of chocolate so it makes no sense that he didn't acknowledge DHs birthday at all. DH is tying himself in knots trying to work out what he's done wrong.

He didn't hear from DSS16 either. Not text no call. Nothing. He's devastated.

My DH is a brilliant dad. The kids want for nothing but he's never been a Disney dad and has always had consequences for bad behaviour, he's always tried to teach them good life lessons, work ethic etc. He really tries his best and he feels like it's all been thrown back in his face.

We have paid a deposit for a summer holiday which is costing a small fortune. DH is now questioning whether we should even take the boys. We booked it at the start of the year. DSS17 had been doing well in his new job and helping out at home and DSS16 had been making more of an effort to come through (albeit over Xmas and NY period). He ended up staying longer than planned and promised to come through more often. We haven't seen him since NY.

I feel like they always say the right things, what they think we want to hear but when it comes to it they just can't be arsed making any effort.

I said we should give them one last chance to buck up their ideas before we have to pay the holiday in full at the end of next month. DH says he's spoken to them until he's blue in the face about their behaviour, about making more effort for other people etc. He says they've had enough warnings and thinks we should just tell them they're no longer coming. Not really sure how best to deal with this but I'm completely fed up seeing my DH upset and being taken for a mug.

I don't find it that shocking. It's standard practice isn't it? All SMs are evil and hate their stepkids.

DSS16 was born from a one night stand when DH was 18.

I think you need to reframe this. The boys being inconsiderate is not due to “an underlying issue”. It’s teens being teens. It will improve.

Unless you cut them off from holidays as “punishment”, for fairly typical behaviour I n which case they’ll resent you into adulthood.

16 & 17 year olds generally don’t want to hang out with parents every other weekend. Take the occasional play station game as a positive, continue to model good behaviour around card giving and gifts and don’t allow your DH to get disheartened be abuse they want to spend time with friends.

@Illpickthatup sadly true. I’m accused of it by my own partner just for having boundaries and believing in being polite courteous and respectful to those around you. It really is a challenge. His boys are not mine, I don’t want to be their mother but we have found ourselves in each others lives and the role I believe I play is helping those kids to be the best they possibly can be. It’s tough when we don’t agree on how to achieve that. We had friends over the other week and they brought their kids. One was spoon fed at 7 years old. The mum commented on how well his boys ate with knives and forks etc. this is something I pushed for and I taught and was actually a nice feeling to hear it recognised by a stranger and made me feel like I’m getting something right despite all the criticism

Yeah I think you're right. Maybe our expectations are too high. We always got cards and gifts for our parents growing up from quite a young age. All but one of my brothers who never bothered and only started bothering after he hit 30.

DH had a difficult childhood. He was brought up by his grandparents then ended up back with his bio mum when he was 11 when his adoptive mum/gran died. He was abused by his bio mum then made homeless at 15. So I think his expectations are a bit warped because he feels he's given his kids the life he never had yet they still don't seem to care about him. He takes it personally and questions what he's done wrong when you're right, it's probably just typical teenage behaviour.

There's obviously been a lot going on over the last few years with him splitting from his ex, a lot of badmouthing from her and lies, so I guess he's worried that's impacted their relationship. I know he wanted to leave his previous relationship for a long time but stayed because he felt guilty about DSS having his family split up again.

I suggested to DH that we take them on holiday but ask them to take their own spending money as they are both working now. That way we are giving them a bit of responsibility to save. I'll maybe let the dust settle for a bit then try and talk him round in a few days.

I'm lucky in the sense that I've always had my DHs support.

I've never really played a parental role in the boys lives as they were 13 and 14 when I met them and I didn't think they'd appreciate someone swanning in trying to tell them what to do etc. But a lot of the things we have implemented in our home have come from me. DH and I discuss things between us then he'll speak to the boys. DH comes to me for advice and for a second opinion etc.

I met DSD when she was 3 so my relationship with her is very different as I am a parent to her. Again, lots of things in her routine have come from me. DH treats me as an equal parent so trust me to make choices and discipline as I see fit.

I'm sorry you've not had the same support from your partner. Hopefully he begins to appreciate everything you do for his kids and for him. It can be such a thankless job at times but you sound like you're a great stepmum, trying to do your best despite not always being supported.

@Illpickthatup mine are a bit younger so very much in teaching / learning stage. I’m so pleased you have been supported! The support is coming it just seems to take 4-6 weeks with each issue. They aren’t even big issues just I think my partner carries a lot of guilt so doesn’t like to be the “bad guy”.

for example they’re a bit forgetful, they’re kids and that’s fine but eldest was just about to start senior school. I said we should start to teach him to be responsible for his time and his things so the transition to seniors is easier. Took a few disagreements about how to do it but now it’s happening. I.e if he leaves any of his stuff here (none of it crucial) it stays here until the next time they come. Before he would drop everything and take it back. He walked out of a dinner to do this one time. The eldest made a comment about how his friends got detention because they forgot their book but he never forgets. I said why don’t you forget. Because you and dad taught me to remember my things. It was a nice heartwarming moment and I think these little things are helping my partner to see that a little bit of tough helps set them up for being an adult.

mum is still running herself ragged to baby them but they’re starting to see the important things they’re learning / learnt is from me and dad.

Ime boys/ kids are hopeless at keeping you up to date by txt and not good at sending cards - better to just let it go.

That's great. I'm sure you're getting more support when everything starts falling into place and DP realises that a lot of it is down to you.

Although I do think my DH does feel some guilt about splitting up the family, although he had absolutely no choice, he has never been one to pander to the kids. If DSS left something at his mum's he'd say "well I hope you have bus fayre cos it's a long walk". But then his mum would just drop it off.

In our house they're expected to do their own washing, change their bedding and have chores to do. Even DSD6 keeps her room tidy, makes her bed every morning and has chores to do. DH was on both the boys cases big time when they left school and were putting very little effort into finding a job. It paid off as they're both now working full time.

He's had to let things slide a few times because when they've been pulled up about something they would just go to their mum's for a few weeks, sometimes months then when they came back DH would be scared to lose them again. It definitely more a struggle when they have another parent to play off of who has different rules and values.

Teenagers are twats tbh
Your DH sounds a bit wet and dramatic though. Should have just said something at the time.

Unconditional love from parents shouldn't be transactional and cancelling a holiday because he's not getting what he wants from them raises questions in my head. Maybe they pick up on that vibe and respond accordingly?

Yeah I guess so. I thought giving them a nudge a couple of weeks before would have helped but seems not. DH just takes it all so personally which I get, especially when they don't seem to forget their mum's birthdays or mother's day, just him. But from a lot of the posters on this thread this seems to be what most teenagers are like. I've tried to reassure DH that it's not a reflection on him as a father but he still feels quite hurt.

I don't think he should cancel it as we've already said they are going but I do think this will probably be the last holiday we book with them.

DH can be a bit sensitive at times. ADHD, so a total overthinker, heightened emotions and does take everything to heart. I think I just need to keep reassuring him and put a positive spin on the holiday. As people have suggested, use it to bond more with the boys. We were actually surprised they both wanted to come in the first place.

Teenagers don’t answer the phone. Your DH needs to start initiating text or WhatsApp conversations. Nothing heavy, just links, jokes, memes, pictures.

Meet them where they’re at.

Family holiday should still go ahead. You can’t treat family relationships as transactional. And it will remind them of how much they do like spending time with him.

They don't reply to texts either. He's tried the whole sending reels and stuff on Instagram and still radio silence. But then out of the blue he'll get a call or text.

I texted DSS16 when he got a new job recently to say congratulations and got a reply straight away.

I know that bothers him too that they don't ignore their mum's and get them cards and gifts. It's just him so I can see why he takes it personally.

They take him for granted because they are secure in his love. That's a really good thing. Just keep up gentle prompting and move away from expecting/punishing/insisting/emotional blackmail.

Of course the holiday should go ahead - who wins by you stopping them going? Absolutely no one. Have low expectations on the holiday, make a few plans with them based on what they'd like to do but organise things to do without them as well so you're not reliant on them wanting to join in. Don't expect them to want to spend all day with you, don't expect them to be up early - keep your expectations realistic and you won't be disappointed by them. They're teenagers, this is what they do.

You've mentioned that your DH has a tendency to take things very personally, and to heart. From my experience as someone with a parent with a lot of the traits you describe in your DH, it's likely very palpable for your DSS that every bit of communication is being almost tallied up on the relationship's score sheet, even when it is just sharing photos or memes etc. It makes for unnatural conversation when everything feels so weighted.

Your DH might be his dad, but as a teenager, is it a pleasant, enjoyable conversation he'll get when he answers his phone, or is there an undertone of "finally, it's about time, you never bother to speak to me, it's been X since I last saw you..." As a teen that's quite difficult to navigate.

I'd guess when you sent a text to say congratulations on the job and got a quick response, it was because your conversation with DSS doesn't feel like that, it just is what it is, a quick, genuine text with nothing extra at play beneath.

Maybe you're right. He's never really made a fuss about them not bothering previously because they had the excuse of having no money when they were still at school. He's been trying to get them to act more like adults and there have been some improvements in some areas so I think he just expected a bit more from them this year as "working men", although I know mentally they are still kids.

We're going away with my parents and my foster sister and her friend so there are other people going, not just us. The boys will have their own room and we were planning to let them do their own thing. My mum's offered to watch DSD a couple of nights so DH and I can get some time together and I'll watch DSD so DH can go off with the boys if they want. Plenty of options for them to be as involved or uninvolved as they want. They love my parents though so will probably want to hang around them. I know. Go figure haha. My parents are obviously much cooler than us!

It's not really worth our energy trying to get them up early and they're on holiday so of they want to have a long lie they can. Our plan was to let them know our plans for the day so they can decide whether or not to join in, but there would be no pressure.

I honestly think they will be up early though when the sun is shining, there's a pool, they're being sneaked a beer and their mates aren't there. They're both a good laugh actually. DSS16 was the life and soul at our wedding. I really do think it would be a shame all round if they didn't come. DH is just feeling a bit hurt at the moment but I'm sure when the dust settles he'll see that cancelling their holiday isn't going to fix anything.

Yeah you're probably right. I don't see the context of all his texts and calls so I'm not sure. I've heard him on the phone to DSS recently and it sounded positive but he can be quite sarcy with them sometimes, what some may call "banter", so maybe they take it as critisism. Maybe they're not answering the phone because they don't know why he's calling or if he texts asking "hey, what have you been up to?" They maybe think he's asking because he's not heard from him rather than just asking. I'll maybe suggest to him that he texts with more purpose "hey, was thinking of booking go-karting soon. Are you up for it?".