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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

My partner goes out with his ex more than me?

42 replies

pplup2 · 14/03/2024 08:28

Hi! I recently met my boyfriend's son - we've been dating for 2 years. But I've noticed my boyfriend goes out a lot with his ex (his son's mother) and his son a lot, but never with me. I don't want to be pushy and ask for it, but it's hurting me that he isn't thinking of me but he is of her. She even invited him on a weekend away with her and their son... he said no, but the reason being because that weekend he's at work.

Am I wrong to feel upset? I'm struggling because this is my first relationship so understandably this is a lot to be learning about in a relationship. But is it really necessary for them to still be spending time together with their son if they aren't together anymore or considering getting back together?

I'm so confused because I trust him, but I don't understand why I'm not crossing his mind. Meeting his son and getting to spend time together with him means so much to me, but it doesn't seem like it does to him - he'd rather spend time with his son's mum. Any opinions are more than welcome.

OP posts:

PinotPony · 18/03/2024 22:55

@Pennyforyour Not currently but I've been helping him with his dating profile. I'd like to see him happy with someone.

Why do you ask?

Animatic · 18/03/2024 23:55

I can give you a view from the other side. My ex keeps imposing himself in our holidays with DC. We have amicable relationship but he proved not to be a good husband material , hence he is ex.
He lives quite far from us so his interactions with our DC are limited to these holidays and calls/WhatsApp.
I know he has a gf of few years who they live together with; he never mentions her to me (I know from mutual friend) and I couldn't care less as I have no romantic interest in him. But what he attempts from time to time is bringing up how much I matter, how important living with both parents is and so on, when we meet. Which I curtail.
Not sure how he sells these holidays to his girlfriend. Not sure what she thinks or knows.i don't want to say your boyfriend has romantic feelings towards his ex. But I'd be careful if I were you.

Illpickthatup · 19/03/2024 07:38

Animatic · 18/03/2024 23:55

Why are you allowing him to come on holidays with you? You absolutely don't need to do that regardless of how important he thinks it is. He can take him child on holiday himself surely.

Animatic · 19/03/2024 08:36

Illpickthatup · 19/03/2024 07:38

Why are you allowing him to come on holidays with you? You absolutely don't need to do that regardless of how important he thinks it is. He can take him child on holiday himself surely.

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He just shows up in the same location. I can't not tell him where/when his child is going just in case something critical happens (and acc to law).

Illpickthatup · 19/03/2024 08:38

Animatic · 19/03/2024 08:36

He just shows up in the same location. I can't not tell him where/when his child is going just in case something critical happens (and acc to law).

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Eh yes you can. We don't share every detail of where we take my stepkids with their mother and vice versa. You would only need his permission to take him out of the country.

Animatic · 19/03/2024 16:33

Illpickthatup · 19/03/2024 08:38

Eh yes you can. We don't share every detail of where we take my stepkids with their mother and vice versa. You would only need his permission to take him out of the country.

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We don't holiday in the UK so yes I have to tell him every time we fly abroad which is 100% of holidays.

Illpickthatup · 19/03/2024 17:32

Animatic · 19/03/2024 16:33

We don't holiday in the UK so yes I have to tell him every time we fly abroad which is 100% of holidays.

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And he just books the same flights and hotel? What a mental case. Report him for stalking.

Do you by law have to tell him the exact location? I'd maybe go to court and tell them what he's been doing. See if they can grant you permission to take your child on holiday without his permission.

Animatic · 19/03/2024 17:53

Illpickthatup · 19/03/2024 17:32

And he just books the same flights and hotel? What a mental case. Report him for stalking.

Do you by law have to tell him the exact location? I'd maybe go to court and tell them what he's been doing. See if they can grant you permission to take your child on holiday without his permission.

Show quote history

No, he flies to the same location and stays somewhere thereabouts, not necessarily same hotel/flight. Never crossed my mind that this could be a legal case..anywho...this was for the OP to look carefully at what her partner is doing holidaying with the ex.

Original poster

pplup2 · 23/03/2024 21:14

EG94 · 18/03/2024 17:37

You’ve invested a bit of time so I’d be honest and I would tell him that the contact with the ex seems unnecessary and it feels disrespectful. You are comfortable with them communicating only and exclusive about the child but anything else for you is not something you can do. Make it clear to him your boundary is this stops. If it doesn’t then you have been honest and open and you will love yourself and respect yourself enough to walk away xx

This is really lovely and thoughtfully put.. thank you. I plan on talking about it with him tomorrow and seeing where things go. I found out this morning he asked her for a weekend away in May, after I put my boundary down and said I wish he'd tell me before planning these things just out of respect. So I think I'm finally going to say something.

OP posts:

Daffodilsarentfluffy · 23/03/2024 21:18

Imo his dc must be very confused about the status of their relationship.. Since he has booked a new trip he is telling you where you figure in his priorities...
Way too low down to be acceptable..

TryingToBeLogical · 24/03/2024 14:23

good lord, OP. You don’t need a boyfriend who takes his Ex for “weekends away.” This is awful. Please run. You do
nor deserve this humiliation and sidelining. Please come back and tell us you made your situation clear to him when you talk!

Thelifeofawife · 30/03/2024 11:54

OP, my ex and I used to spend a lot of time together with our DC. However, we didn’t go off on weekends away together or out for breakfast, it was things like a day out at the zoo, Christmas activities, the odd BBQ in summer.
We did a holiday away together because it was somewhere we had always wanted to take DC, but that was when we were both single.

Your DP is being disrespectful towards you, you’ve been together 2 years not 2 months. He should be prioritising spending time with you and his DC at this point if he sees a future with you.

Also, given that it’s your first relationship it does feel like the wrong relationship for you. A relationship with someone who has a child/children can be very difficult to navigate (feel free to check out my threads!), if you’re not used to what a relationship should look like you’re likely to end up getting walked all over - I mean this kindly, not offensively.
You’ve already told him your boundaries and yet he’s asked his ex to go away for the weekend, he knows it’s going to be a problem for you but he’s done it anyway. Why is he asking his ex rather than you, now that you’ve met his child and given how long you’ve been together? It doesn’t feel like he’s ready to move on sadly.

WoolySnail · 24/07/2024 17:07

What happened in the end OP?

JollyZebra · 30/01/2025 07:42

You're not happy with the situation. Your resentment will build and you'll start resenting the child as well. This is not the relationship for you.

MeridianB · 30/01/2025 11:23

Sorry OP but putting his child first and maintaining a cordial co-parenting relationship does not usually involve weekends away and brunch.

I know some parents do some things together (birthday lunches, school events) etc together for young children but your instincts telling you something here. It's all seems unnecessarily cosy. I bet none of this would be happening if his ex had a BF - so why should you matter less?

The fact that he's tried to book a weekend away with his ex and son after you spoke to him is very telling. It doesn't sound as if he is serious about a new relationship yet.

PrawnAgain · 30/01/2025 13:46

It's absolutely possible to put your child first and be a good parent without having your life enmeshed with your ex.

It's not, however, possible to be a good partner if you are enmeshed with hour ex.

You deserve better than this op.

OwlInTheOak · 30/01/2025 13:48

This is the ideal set up for the child, but it doesn't necessarily work when either parent gets a new relationship unless there are definitely no feelings and the new partner is independent and secure and not wanting a full on relationship.
You need to be clear with him what your boundaries and wants are from the relationship and see if it's compatible before wasting more time.

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