Is anyone actually happy living in a blended family? If so why?

[rainydays1234]

Struggling again this weekend with living as a 'blended family' and it comes down to the fact that he cares about his children, I care about my children, and truthfully we'd rather do without the other's children.

I'm sure this is at the heart of most other blended families issues.

I've heard two stories where the families were happy- but on closer inspection it turns out they only see the 'step children' for 2 nights in 14, which in my opinion is massively different from trying to live in normal life.

I don't want to be doom and gloom- so I'm really interested to hear of people who are actually happy living together and why.

From my side - living with the love of my life, no question. He is utterly wonderful every day. We both have 2 kids each - 10-14. All trying to live together- with a fair bit of back and forth to the other parents. But a lot of time in this home together.

On a good day - feels like we're flatmates. On a bad day - is really upsetting and stressful and affects my sleep.

Oldest two not showing signs of going to uni, and the assumption is my Stepson will never move out.

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

Bloody hell that's hard. Honestly, the only thing that keeps me going is counting down to uni (first one is gone, second one will go next year). I couldn't cope with having stepkids here full time into adulthood.

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

Sorry, I realise that isn't what you wanted to hear.

[rainydays1234]

That's ok @chocolatesaltyballs22.

I think I was ok with being blended in theory- but the fact that his kids now see my house as their house really makes me feel uncomfortable

[HelenaCh9]

I’ve got no extended family and I’m quite envious of my colleague.

Her parents divorced when she and her brother were at primary school in the early 1990s. They ended up with a step sibling on their mother’s side and two step siblings on their father’s side. They later had a little half sibling via their mum.

They all got on well and are still very close as adults. They all socialise regularly. In fact, the step siblings from each side get on well with each other too even though they’re unrelated. BBQs and Christmas parties at my colleague’s house are noisy affairs because most of them have had children now too. I get confused as to who’s who sometimes.

My colleague refers to her “brothers and sisters” and she doesn’t just mean the two who share DNA with her. It’s the whole gang. Her children see them all as aunties and uncles.

[Quitelikeit]

In a way I think it’s because on some level it feels unnatural to you because you are not their mother in the primal sense of the word.

The only thing you can do is alter your perception of your situation/live separately or split up

Otherwise you will remain miserable

I hope the children aren’t as unhappy as you though

[stormonasummersday]

How long have you been together? Is it your house or does it belong to both of you? Are you married?

The answers to these Qs are important because it could be easy for you to separate lives again, have your own homes until the children are older. If he's the love of your life then what's a few years wait before you are enmeshed and living together? It's better than being miserable. And the children being miserable. They will be able to tell you don't consider it to be their home.

[Pennyforyour]

I think you’d be hard pushed to find many SP that are 100% happy in their situations. There’s just too many external factors involved! Mostly, the kids aren’t the direct issue, it’s all the other bits that go along with it (exes, in-laws, housing etc.)

Theres a lot of different people and personalities to appease and weighing up everyone’s wants and needs can be really challenging. I can imagine a lot of SP would likely go back and not get involved in the first place if they knew then what they know now. Sad reality.

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

I can imagine a lot of SP would likely go back and not get involved in the first place if they knew then what they know now. Sad reality.

This is very true. You don't really know what it's like til you're in it.

[stormonasummersday]

But to answer the question in your title. Yes I am happy, the children are also happy now to the best of my knowledge. It was hard when the eldest DSD was around 11yo but now (she is 17) we have a great relationship. The youngest DSD has never lived with her dad and met me when she was 2 so I'm part of the furniture for her. The eldest I think was holding out hope that her mum and dad would get back together at some point, which is completely normal but now everything is much better. I also make sure the girls get plenty of time on their own with their dad, that's important

[SemperIdem]

I can find it hard.

It’s not the children though, not really. It’s the impact their mothers lazy parenting has on them.

I’d be happier if they lived with us full time, rather than 50:50, to be honest.

I worry for their future, instead of the bright hope I have for my own child. It doesn’t feel nice at all.

[SemperIdem]

Sorry I should add - yes I am happy.

It can be hard at times, but overall I am happy. My partner is happy. All the children, my own and my step children, seem to be happy 99% of the time.

[rainydays1234]

That all sounds lovely @HelenaCh9 - I guess that's what I had in my mind's eye when we blended!

[rainydays1234]

That's good @SemperIdem!

[rainydays1234]

Just had a good talk with DP and feel a lot better now.

[namechangnancy]

@HelenaCh9

I’ve got no extended family and I’m quite envious of my colleague.

Her parents divorced when she and her brother were at primary school in the early 1990s. They ended up with a step sibling on their mother’s side and two step siblings on their father’s side. They later had a little half sibling via their mum.

They all got on well and are still very close as adults. They all socialise regularly. In fact, the step siblings from each side get on well with each other too even though they’re unrelated. BBQs and Christmas parties at my colleague’s house are noisy affairs because most of them have had children now too. I get confused as to who’s who sometimes.

My colleague refers to her “brothers and sisters” and she doesn’t just mean the two who share DNA with her. It’s the whole gang. Her children see them all as aunties and uncles.

This is pretty much the family dynamic I grew up in actually and how we live now we all have flown the nest.

My sister (only mentioning half for MN reference) are both mothers and step mothers (probably giving away our age) and both have experienced challenges but not with the kids in the situation. Sadly it boils down to the adults and having fairly tough boundaries but also respecting parental decisions that aren't the ones you would make.

That said actually believe my situation would be easier and fair less traumatic if dsd lived with us full time (for her and for us) but that ship has sailed. I don't blame her for decisions (that she didn't make) that have come to bite her harder than anyone could have anticipated.

I do however silently scream into a pillow when she's put in awful situations which upset her but loyalty binds mean that no one can free her. So fucking annoying.

Not that anyone would guess. Just silently supporting her if she needs it and scream into a pillow when I get to fucked off with the adults in her life. Causing drama where there doesn't need to be any.

[Stepmumptsd]

Blending works for me and DP on one small level. We didn’t move in together but tried for a year to do our kid weekends together. That was too much for his younger child who became very jealous and clingy when me and my son were around. We’re down to one blended weekend a month now and that seems to work. DP’s youngest is in therapy to deal with his anger over parents’ divorce and grief that they are not getting back together (they split 4 years ago but poor mite is still processing). We tried blending full on for a while, stepped back and are hoping to re-establish it gradually. It’s an experiment.

[lunar1]

I can honestly say, that my childhood never had another truly happy day after step parents entered the mix. Not particularly the fault of my step dad, or the many women my dad introduced us to.

After the divorce we were still looked after, but when new partners were involved, my brother and I were like an inconvenient reminder of a failed marriage that neither of them could be bothered with.

[uneffingbelievable]

lunar1 - that is so sad.

[DocOck]

I feel your pain OP. Everyone gets on okay together but there is something underlying, and at times it feels we live separate lives. If I had my time again, I'd be in the same relationship but I would never have lived together.

[lespameo]

It's hard work. I wouldn't say I'm happy but I think I'd be unhappier if we were separated. I have twins (8,8) and my partner has 2 girls (9,7). We've lived together full time for over a year now with the children seeing their respective 'other' parents once a fortnight (although partners ex is useless and let's her girls down frequently). I feel like it's 'us and them' a lot of the time. DPs daughters will totally ignore me and find their dad to ask a simple question and I feel invisible. I'm just here to make meals, wash clothes, tidy up after them constantly with no thanks. Haaaaaarrrrrrrrd!!!

[DocOck]

It's hard work. I wouldn't say I'm happy but I think I'd be unhappier if we were separated.

This kind of sums it up for me and it's also quite sad. I do worry I'll never really feel happy again. I'm not unhappy but I'm definitely not the happy person I was.

[TinyYellow]

That’s sad @lunar1. I feel the same. Having a step parent ruined my childhood and neither me nor my step siblings talk to our parents that were together now. They would have claimed we were all happy but that’s because they’re selfish, they had what they wanted and their happiness came at our expense.

They are lonely and miserable now they’re older and have had enough of each other.

[rainydays1234]

@lespameo it's definitely us and them here too.

That's why I wanted to find out if anyone is actually having a great time- but it appears not really!!

I think loads of celebrities or 'made in Chelsea' style families all have step parents. But maybe their lives are quite different generally and not necessarily happy.

For me I really wanted to give living in a loving family a go.

I'd been on my own for 9 years, and in a DV relationship before that.

I could clearly see my life if I continued as we were- which was absolutely fine being a single mum. but I always felt I was missing out on what would it be like to build a life with the man you love.

My evenings with my children here were spent run ragged doing cooking washing and laundry.

And my evenings and weekends without them could be too long and lonely- or I'd feel pressure to fill them with social activities.

I thought wouldn't it be nice to relax at home and have someone there who loves you, and you work on making the house and garden better together.

So I wanted to give it a go.

[DocOck]

I thought wouldn't it be nice to relax at home and have someone there who loves you, and you work on making the house and garden better together.

And the reality for a lot is that you can't relax. I only fully relax when the SC aren't here. I feel like I am walking on eggshells a lot of the time as DH gets very defensive so I can't comment that they've made a mess or they're being too noisy (playing online with friends etc at 9pm at night, not unreasonable) without it turning into something about me basically hating his kids. I am very aware they are here, I can't even walk out of my bedroom in a towel because it doesn't feel appropriate and they have no problem bursting into my bedroom when I am in there, so relaxing isn't a thing!

[piscofrisco]

We were happy for maybe the first year. And I think we still would be were it not for my DSS's mum and step dad waging a constant war of attrition against dh and by default the rest of us (me, my dd's, dh's wider family). The constant lies, withholding time and communication, criticism, horrible messages, constant messaging and calling them when they are with us, creating issues and drama-it's endless and exhausting and the poor boys are beginning to exhibit real mental health issues due to the loyalty binding they have to their mum, and the fact that she makes their lives uncomfortable if they so much as have a nice picture of anything to do with us on their phones. It's awful behaviour and just down to the fact that she thought she would take the boys and move them in with her boyfriend and dh would just pay her maintenance and barely see them. That was her proposal in family court and the judge didn't go for it at all-we have 50/50-and she has never got over it.
I feel like my life is being controlled by two people that I've never met more than to say hello to, and Dh is struggling to cope with feeling guilty about that on top of everything else.
It's making everyone miserable tbh.I love the boys and I love dh, and our family-but right now it's just being made to be untenable.