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Step-parenting

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Original poster

How to alienate the husband’s entire family…please help

27 replies

Kathyb677 · 02/01/2024 20:25

My husband and I met nearly six years ago. He has three girls, now aged 19, 15 and 14. I don’t have any of my own kids. The oldest SD lives with us but is at uni, and we have custody of the two younger ones.

However, the youngest stopped seeing my husband and I, and his entire family, just a few months into us being together. We have never known why or been given any answers and she stayed away for five years, full of hate for her dad, before reappearing just as suddenly in June 2023.

All has been going so well up until New Year’s Eve. It was a night that I felt was marred by the youngest having a melt down and screaming match before we had left the house to go to the family party at my husband’s mum’s house, then the oldest getting drunk and lairy and being offensive with her language and behaviour.

Yesterday I was in a text conversation with an old friend and I sent a text to her to say NYE had been a nightmare and that husbands girls had been rude and lairy, ending the text by saying I would make other plans next year. Except that rather than sending the text to my friend, I sent it to my stepdaughters and husband on our close family group. The girls saw it and were rightly horrified and offended. Ten minutes later we were due back with the whole of my husband’s family for a New Year meal. Of course everyone knew what I had done when I walked in, and so I apologised to the girls and explained that I thought I thought I was ranting to a mate.

I think the older two may forgive me, though at the moment I am deservedly in their bad books, but the youngest who had stopped seeing us for so long until just six months ago has now said she’s not coming tomorrow night when we were due to have her. I had dreaded this would happen, I just want to run away from the whole family who are all rightly offended.

My husband has no relationship with the girls’ mum so we have no room to appeal for their help in smoothing this over.

If anyone has any advice on what I can do to make this at all better I would be grateful please as I’m absolutely devastated and fear I have caused so much damage to my marriage but also, and more importantly, to the relationship being built back up between my husband and his daughter.

OP posts:
Dorosomethingbeautiful · 02/01/2024 20:49

@Kathyb677 please do not beat yourself up about this. You made a mistake, they will get over it. You sound really worried, please don't worry too much about it. I am sure everything will be fine

Original poster
Kathyb677 · 02/01/2024 20:53

Thank you, but his youngest is very unforgiving in her nature and I feel pretty sure that I’ve caused a lot of damage. I hope I’m wrong, I’ll keep you posted, but right now I just wish I could disappear. I just don’t know what to do to make it better. If only I could turn back the clock.

OP posts:
PrimalOwl10 · 02/01/2024 20:54

I'm wondering why your dh continued to prioritise his relationship with you and not his dd and didnt see her for five years she was only 9 years old.

Original poster
Kathyb677 · 02/01/2024 21:44

He didn’t priotise me, at least we never felt we had done that. We had a perfectly normal and happy weekend together before dropping her home on the Sunday night, for her to then say she didn’t want to come on the Wednesday, then again at the following weekend, and before you know it she hated her dad but could never give a reason why to her sisters who are so close to him. He tried countless times to be in touch with her, attended parents evenings and he continued to send cards and messages to her but she didn’t want to know. She was given a new phone and number which we were not allowed to have, and then started at a different school to her sister which seemed to further to gap between us all. All that time without his daughter has hurt my husband badly and now I have gone and done this just as we had got her back.

OP posts:
HalebiHabibti · 02/01/2024 21:48

It was an unfortunate mistake OP, but realistically you have given her a gift. She'd have taken offence at something sooner or later.

KeepTrying0 · 02/01/2024 21:50

I'm really sorry OP, that sounds so hard.

tbh, as a parent myself, a little bit of me feels that the girls needed a few home truths telling, and possibly also the parents. But I guess if they are difficult and stroppy then as a step-parent, you are likely to be a sitting target, which is really unfortunate for you.

I'm really sorry that you are in such a difficult situation. That does sound hard.

I think it would probably help if you could get a private family therapist in to work with all of you, if that was an option. They cost about £100 an hour but it might really help sort out some problems.

blackbeardsballsack · 02/01/2024 21:51

They are all being very dramatic about it. It sounds like they were being a nightmare and lairy etc on NYE, don't know why they're so outraged by your message meant for your friend. If my DS had behaved like this and I accidentally sent him a similar message I doubt I would feel guilty or embarrassed.

Original poster
Kathyb677 · 02/01/2024 22:00

Thank you. All three of them are lovely girls, and that’s kind of what makes it worse. It was this one night where they were pretty awful, but now they must think that I message my friends about them constantly painting a bad picture.

i would jump at the chance to have a therapist work with all of us, and I will suggest this. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kathyb677 · 02/01/2024 22:02

Thank you. I wish it was seen the same way here and I do see your point.

My hope is that this will all blow over quickly and boy have I learnt my lesson. I never want to be in this situation again.

OP posts:
Raincloudsonasunnyday · 02/01/2024 22:10

Time is a healer.

You’re not dealing with rational people necessarily; you have three teenaged girls who undoubtedly have very busy inner lives of their own. You may be center stage right now but you won’t be forever.

The only way to deal with this is with compassion and honesty, to them, your DH and to you. You must stand by what you said because it was the truth; stand by your right to talk to your friends about the things that trouble you; be very understanding of how hurtful this information could be to young people who are affected personally by your words. One day they’ll know how not-serious this whole thing is, but they’re justified in taking umbrage and feeling hurt.

You mustn’t beg for their forgiveness, but give them and their dad all the space and time they need. And a BIG apology to DH for misusing your messaging app in this way. Lesson learned the hard way about not pressing send until you’ve triple checked the addressee!!

Sapphire387 · 03/01/2024 21:50

The truth hurts? Their behaviour sounds fairly awful. I think you're taking a little too much on yourself tbh. It was a mistake.

Anuta77 · 04/01/2024 06:58

If that of any help, my mother always complained about me and my sister to her friends. My sister even made a joke about it this year when sending best wishes to one of her friends. Many mothers do. Just because you're a SM doesnt mean you have to love all of their behaviour and have no right to share with your friend. If they behave badly, they shouldnt be surprised that you dislike their behaviour. You apologized once, thats it. Just forget about it, its not a big deal. Like the previous poster said, dont beg for their forgiveness. We all have the right to vent.

Original poster
Kathyb677 · 04/01/2024 09:09

Thank you all so much for your advice which I am trying to implement. Although the youngest at the moment is still ignoring and staying away from us, I did spend last evening with the other two. It was a bit frosty at first, but by the end of a nice evening together things felt fairly normal.

One of my main concerns is that they might think I’m constantly texting my friends with negative chat about them, which isn’t the case at all, but why should they believe that. I will keep working to bring them back on side and I’ll be much more careful in future.

OP posts:
Reugny · 04/01/2024 14:53

One of my main concerns is that they might think I’m constantly texting my friends with negative chat about them

So what if you are? I doubt the girls care. Also if the girls and your friend have met each other then they know your friend will know how they actually are.

Also as your DH as no relationship with his ex he won't know if she has any negative influence, whether purposely or otherwise, on his youngest daughter's behaviour.

Fraaahnces · 04/01/2024 14:59

You know what worries me about this? None of that you said was untrue. Are you not allowed to have feelings about their behaviour? Surely they both know that they were out of line. I imagine the girls’ mum will want some “me time” and insist that the youngest sucks it up eventually.

HalebiHabibti · 04/01/2024 15:50

That's good that the older two were behaving fairly normally later on OP. I wonder if some part of them is feeling that your reaction was actually a reasonable one! They might respect you more in the end for your opinion, even if it was accidental....

namechangnancy · 04/01/2024 17:59

Fraaahnces · 04/01/2024 14:59

You know what worries me about this? None of that you said was untrue. Are you not allowed to have feelings about their behaviour? Surely they both know that they were out of line. I imagine the girls’ mum will want some “me time” and insist that the youngest sucks it up eventually.

This all of this and then some.

Op you weren't randomly calling them the devil spawn, you had stated a fact about how the kids had behaved on that night.

I too am slightly concerned why being truthful (admittely by accident) would require months worth of grovelling.

Sounds tbh like someone's been in their ear and they having been waiting for a moment to say see see she's a evil wicked stepmother.

LaurieStrode · 04/01/2024 18:02

PrimalOwl10 · 02/01/2024 20:54

I'm wondering why your dh continued to prioritise his relationship with you and not his dd and didnt see her for five years she was only 9 years old.

Yeah, this. The girl has been handed the short end of the stick for most of her life. No wonder she has issues.

DaffodilsAlready · 04/01/2024 18:12

if their behaviour was as you describe then it’s on them, really. The way to avoid having poor behaviour mentioned to anyone outside the house is to not behave poorly.

This is a separate issue to your husband’s relationship with his youngest, where it beggars belief that he did not see her for five years. That is a long time. I wonder if you made a mistake in your first paragraph where you say you have custody and why your husband has no communication with the DC’s mother. These are bigger issues than what you say to a friend about DC’s behaviour, to be honest.

YouJustDoYou · 04/01/2024 18:15

You told the truth. It wasn't even that bad. I woujldn't have apologised - they WERE being lairy, they DID ruin it. Sometimes kids need to be told.

Reugny · 04/01/2024 18:15

LaurieStrode · 04/01/2024 18:02

Yeah, this. The girl has been handed the short end of the stick for most of her life. No wonder she has issues.

Show quote history

As we don't know what the child's mother is doing, whether intentionally or not, then we can't presume anything.

Posters seem to forget on this forum that the threads are about dysfunctional step-parenting relationships.

If your step-parenting relationship is fine you don't post on a forum.

Original poster
Kathyb677 · 04/01/2024 22:29

All of the girls have had a terrible time with the divorce of their parents which I believe both of them handled badly, but it feels like an insinuation that my husband chose me over the youngest. It was never a toss up, there was no choice to be made. We were cut off suddenly and she reappeared just as suddenly after five years. The only reason she has ever given for her return was that her mum now has a boyfriend who has moved in quickly and she’s changed, so she decided trying to see Dad again. We have never asked why she stopped seeing us as, to be honest, I’m not sure she knows herself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kathyb677 · 04/01/2024 22:31

I have explained this and they do seem to be understanding that I just ranted but still love them. After a horrible few days I think there is light at the end of the tunnel!

OP posts:
Original poster
Kathyb677 · 04/01/2024 22:32

I did make an error, yes, I meant access, not custody.

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 05/01/2024 16:10

Poor you @Kathyb677. I bet you do feel really bad/guilty/sorry, etc. You are only human and it is so easy, if your mind is elsewhere, to make such a mistake. I've done something very similar, and had it done to me. How did your husband handle the situation? 🌹