So, for background info- DH and I have been married for 6 years, together for 9 years.
I have 2 DS from my first marriage, both now in their early twenties and moved out of home. DH has 3 children from his first marriage - eldest DSS is now 19, middle DSD is 17, and DSD who is 16. DSC used to be with us every weekend and most of the school holidays due to mums work pattern. Middle DSS still more or less sticks to that pattern.
4 years ago eldest DSS moved in with us full time. We knew he and his mum had not been getting on and his mental health wasn’t great. Things came to a head, mum phoned DH to say he wasn’t welcome back after the weekend. That he was aggressive, angry and dangerous and she couldn’t cope. The thing is- he had never behaved like that with us. Other than the odd teenage mood, nothing that even fit with that description of his personality. At the time I thought, well, we don’t have to make him get out of bed for school, weekends and holidays are more chilled; Mum probably just needs a break and who can blame her!
So, we let him get settled into a new routine of being with us full time - but we both felt that he and mum should get some help to rebuild the relationship. DH got them both some support through DSS school. That seemed to work and DSS did agree to spend some time with his mum after around 6 months. That lasted for 2 weeks before he came back to ours, and he’s been with us ever since. I appreciate my relationship with him, as a step mum, is different, but I can honestly say he’s the kindest, sweetest, gentlest boy, I have never seen even a hint of the behaviours mum describes. On the other hand, what he describes is his mum saying awful things to him, being really unkind and nasty to him and about DH and I, and he admits that he did shout at her to stop when he couldn’t bear it anymore. Anyway.
Six months ago, my DSD told her DH and I she didn’t want to go back to mums after the weekend and that she also wanted to move in with us. Initially she said she would go back to mums every other weekend. Over Christmas, she was meant to spend 5 days with mum and younger DSS (17). She came back after 2 nights saying she just didn’t want to be there any more, not even weekends, because of how her mum speaks to her and how she makes her feel. She finds it hard to talk about what happened. All she keeps saying is that it’s better at our house, it’s calmer and kinder.
Their mum, however, is telling anyone who will listen that it is all my fault that first DSS and now DSD are living with us.
The thing is, because of what happened with eldest DSS neither DH or I feel it’s right to encourage DSD to keep going to stay with mum if she doesn’t want to. DH has started to talk more about what their marriage was like and it sounds…awful. And eldest DSS is really worried about his sister and says he thinks mum is treating her like she used to treat him.
So, I think I’m sharing this to ask- has anyone been through similar? Are we doing the right thing? My gut instinct is to believe her and tell her it’s her choice, that we love her and this is her home too. Or does their mum have a point, that lots of teenagers have rows with their mums and we are getting in the way of their relationship with mum? I don’t know what we should to do for the best!