Hi. I think my relationship is over. I was also made redundant last week, so not the best series of events, but I can’t help but think the two may be linked. Some of you may remember my posts. In short, I have a DS who I have 100% of the time, DP has two DC whom he has just under 50% of the time. All DC under 10.
Our 2.5 year relationship has been rocky. We met at the start of the pandemic with 3 young kids between us, two homes, two high pressure careers (and one high-conflict ex on his side). From around one year in, DP has been desperate to move in together. It’s consumed our relationship. And his frustration around it has made his behaviour worse and worse. There’s been times when he’s been nothing short of manipulating, gas lighting, controlling. Every move I’ve made, whether that be a purchase for my home (big or small - I bought a dining bench once and he flipped out saying I was ‘wreckless’ and we’d never be able to get a mortgage together if I continued investing in my home), a potential career move or progress in terms of building some sort of healthy relationship with my DS’s father has caused arguments that have sometimes lasted for days. Don’t get me started on the time I needed a new car and looked at getting a cheap run around on finance. Needless to say, I’ve stuck with the (unsuitable) car I have. This year, I had an interview for my dream job. It was an hour’s commute but DP made my life hell about it. ‘How could you do this to OUR family, our future?’ Im still confused about that one to be honest - it was better paid and more flexible than the job I’ve just lost.
I have always been clear that I would move in when he 1) recognises and Improves his behaviour by seeking therapy 2) cuts down on the drinking. He goes to the pub most evenings, even if it’s just for an hour (sometimes 3) then drinks until 10pm ish. 3) spends a little more time with me and my DS - he monopolises every second of my weekend when his DC are there (I plan everything) and my home is demolished by Sunday, then he vanishes into thin air for ‘me time’ (football, pub, work, chill time) the following weekend when it’s just me and my DS.
Anyway. So I’ve been made redundant which will obviously impact my ability to get a mortgage and it’s like he’s tapped out. He’s spent a week calling me selfish and awful, that I’ve ‘wasted his time’ (I’ve been housing him half the time for a year whilst he renovated a house) and that I want everything my way. I’m confused because it’s like he thinks he’s owed a shared home with me despite not displaying the behaviour that will make me feel safe and comfortable to officially merge lives, finances and children. My question is, is 2.5 years an excessive amount of time before moving in? I would think ‘yes’ if it was just the two of us, but with three DC involved? Have I wasted his time? How soon do other people blend lives?
Also, my son has grown close to his children, does anyone have experience of telling their DC about a break up which will ultimately mean he doesn’t see the ex’s DC anymore?
Thanks for reading.