Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Needing solid advice, my boyfriend hardly spends time with his daughter.

27 replies

EveningCeremony · 31/08/2023 12:25

My boyfriend (40) and I (38) have roughly been together for over two years now. We have children from past relationships, him having a daughter 3 ½ and I having a son 8. There have been frequent talks this past year about us progressing in our relationship and finding a place together and blending our families together. I was/am really keen on the idea as I love him very much, want to close the gap with our households as we live roughly an hour so apart in different cities. When I started dating again, I had set the intention of finding a life-partner, get married and eventually have another child. I see qualities in my bf that complement mine and I feel that perhaps he could be the one. However, the lack of presence in his daughter’s life and how “engaged” he is with changing that has me worried.

When we first started dating, I was aware of the rocky relationship he had with his ex and how that was affecting him from seeing his daughter. I was told by my bf (and confirmed by friends/family) that he had a very short lived and volatile relationship with his ex. She cheated on him while he was away for work trips, lied about her background, and expected my bf to provide/pay for everything. They were together off and on for roughly six months and when they broke up they found out that she was expecting. He told her that he did not want to pursue a relationship with her, however he would provide and be there for their child. She got upset. After a while, my bf loved her and really wanted to settle down and have a family, they reconciled. However their conflicts never went away and he broke up with her while she was five months pregnant and she moved back home to her parents in a city 4 hours away where she currently lives.

She has full custody of the daughter as custody laws are different here. Unless both parents are in a common-law marriage and or married at the time of birth, custody goes automatically to the mother. Having steady visitation hasn’t been easy either, as the mother cancels and changes plans repeatedly (even though he has arranged/paid for travel expenses and made arrangements). She argues constantly and is very HC. She has told my bf via text on one or more occasion that she does not want him to date other people (but says that it has nothing to do with feelings?), that she more or less still has feelings for him, and has apologized for touching him inappropriately knowing that we are in a relationship (she said that she was sorry for touching his face, it was just that he looked very “sweet” then).

A long story short, through all of this my bf hasn’t pursued the courts legally to have a set visitation plan. He had been saying this for the longest now (even when we first started dating) that he just wants to have a relationship with his daughter without the interference of the mother, but he does not pursue it. At the end of September, they have a scheduled mediation meeting in her city. But as it isn’t “the courts” per say, nothing will be done. And he doesn’t offer an information or updates to how he is going to navigate this. He could have requested to have some visitation time from the mother herself this summer, or even this month but the last time he saw her was 3 ½ weeks ago. He chalked one weekend due to a festival that a mutual friend was throwing (however kids were welcome, so I don’t understand why he could have just went without staying unreasonably late). This weekend he is having his birthday party (an adult party), and next weekend he is preparing to travel abroad for a business venture (where I am to accompany him).

So you get where I am going with this? He talks to his daughter on video chat everyday, but being present actually present and making her a priority has me kind of weary. I explained it to him that him pursuing a legal agreement for visitation is one of the premises of us moving forward and building a life together. That way he is able to form a relationship with his child, eventually I will bond with her in time (in two years I have only met her once while he has met my son a number of times with vacations and sleepovers), and our kids can spend time together. For me it has to happen organically. The daughter is almost four, and it wouldn’t feel right to me that she be thrown in a new household dynamic and not really know who I am.

How should I go about this? The way he is with his own child is giving me a hint of how me may be as a father should we even have children together.

OP posts:
piscesangel · 31/08/2023 12:32

I wouldn't want to pursue a life together with someone this disinterested in their own child. Apart from the poor reflection on their character, it doesn't bode well for a successful family life together in the future - I think you are exactly right about this being your hint as to what sort of father he would be to any future joint children you would have (although no doubt he would say the circumstances would make it different - I think if he is this sort of person then he will always be this sort of person).

Maplestars · 31/08/2023 12:34

I was told by my bf (and confirmed by friends/family)
thats just his version, I wouldn’t say his friends and family are confirmation of anything. It might be true but it’s hardly proof. But it certainly paints him as a heroic victim doesn’t it.

He had been saying this for the longest now (even when we first started dating) that he just wants to have a relationship with his daughter without the interference of the mother, but he does not pursue it.
then he doesn’t mean what he’s saying. He just knows it’s the right thing to say.

I explained it to him that him pursuing a legal agreement for visitation is one of the premises of us moving forward and building a life together.
do you really want to be with a man who only bothered to see his daughter, because his gf threatened him, rather than because he himself was arsed to see his daughter and be a parent

How should I go about this? The way he is with his own child is giving me a hint of how me may be as a father should we even have children together.
well, exactly. What is there to go about?
you’ve told him, he’s presumably not done anything. Even if he did he’s only doing it because you said.

Original poster
EveningCeremony · 31/08/2023 12:55

piscesangel · 31/08/2023 12:32

I wouldn't want to pursue a life together with someone this disinterested in their own child. Apart from the poor reflection on their character, it doesn't bode well for a successful family life together in the future - I think you are exactly right about this being your hint as to what sort of father he would be to any future joint children you would have (although no doubt he would say the circumstances would make it different - I think if he is this sort of person then he will always be this sort of person).

I've been circling this subject for a while now off and on. Of course, dreaming of what a life would be like together but also reminding myself to see things how they are right now. I had thought that once he had started being able to see the daughter alone for long weekends (he has done this three times now since the daughter turned three) without the mother accompanying her, that his desire to put things in motion would grow.

It just makes me sad to realize this or perhaps have it confirmed by someone else. I would go through fire for my son, and absolutely nothing would stand in my way. Thankfully I have a peaceful co-parenting relationship with my son's father. I do believe in a life balance, meaning that parents are individuals too. But if you already don't see your daughter that often (and so call want it so badly), why prioritize a festival, or social events over spending quality time with your child. Why not bring her if it is so "important".

OP posts:
lunar1 · 31/08/2023 13:01

You have his version of events, the first two thirds of your post is about everything the mum has done wrong.

I could understand his POV if he had done everything he could, but he can't even be bothered to go to court. Is that the level of commitment you would want from a father to your future child?

Original poster
EveningCeremony · 31/08/2023 13:01

Maplestars · 31/08/2023 12:34

I was told by my bf (and confirmed by friends/family)
thats just his version, I wouldn’t say his friends and family are confirmation of anything. It might be true but it’s hardly proof. But it certainly paints him as a heroic victim doesn’t it.

He had been saying this for the longest now (even when we first started dating) that he just wants to have a relationship with his daughter without the interference of the mother, but he does not pursue it.
then he doesn’t mean what he’s saying. He just knows it’s the right thing to say.

I explained it to him that him pursuing a legal agreement for visitation is one of the premises of us moving forward and building a life together.
do you really want to be with a man who only bothered to see his daughter, because his gf threatened him, rather than because he himself was arsed to see his daughter and be a parent

How should I go about this? The way he is with his own child is giving me a hint of how me may be as a father should we even have children together.
well, exactly. What is there to go about?
you’ve told him, he’s presumably not done anything. Even if he did he’s only doing it because you said.

Yes, it does paint him as the victim father ostracized from being in his daughter's life.

You made a valid point regarding the legal agreement. It should be put into play regardless, and not because of a gf demanding that he do it. I haven't heard any updates regarding getting the courts involved so more than likely it is not going to happen. In this case, assume the worst unless proven otherwise.

It's just funny how he talks to people about his daughter, and their relationship, how he's proud of her/etc, and how he sees her "every other weekend" but that is not the case at all. He doesn't even see her every other weekend now.

And he post pictures about her repeatedly on SM as though well yeah. That he is so close to her, but its the mother that sends the pictures to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
EveningCeremony · 31/08/2023 13:04

lunar1 · 31/08/2023 13:01

You have his version of events, the first two thirds of your post is about everything the mum has done wrong.

I could understand his POV if he had done everything he could, but he can't even be bothered to go to court. Is that the level of commitment you would want from a father to your future child?

Of course. I believe that every relationship and or series of events has two stories. I'm trying to stay neutral in this as I am only hearing his version.

All I do know, regardless of what he tells me about his ex is that I have the upmost respect for her as a mother. She is holding down raising their daughter pretty much on her own on a daily basis. My bf is just a how do you say "disneyland dad?"

But you are right. It is not. It's just talk or excuses or pushing the blame on how difficult the mother is.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 31/08/2023 13:29

So how often does he see her? Many dad's see their kids EOW, and you say it's been 3 weeks since he saw her, which is just one week extra, again not unheard of when there happens to be plans. He FaceTimes her every day, which is a lot (for context my DP - who is a very involved dad to our two DC and sees my DSS EOW, rarely FaceTimes at all between visits). She lives four hours away if I've read correctly, and he has never lived with her full time to build a strong bond or without all the conflict from his ex heavily affecting things.

Personally I don't think it sounds like he's doing too badly.

Grahambella · 31/08/2023 13:41

It’s just his version of events. My ex would give you a lovely tale about me but omit the violence and abuse including the time he attacked me while pregnant. If you met him you would think he was a good father in fact but I am not sure kicking his pregnant girlfriend qualifies as a good father.

Don’t push him to do things he doesn’t want to do, not for his sake but for his daughters. Too many men start court proceedings to impress the girlfriend but it’s the kids and full time parent who then gets affected. Let him get on with his parenting and watch and see if that is acceptable to you. Don’t try and change him it won’t work in the long run.

minipie · 31/08/2023 13:47

You need to go by what he does, not what he says.

It’s quite clear he’s not that bothered about being an involved father. Posting the photos on SM and making himself out to be so close makes it even worse IMO.

You know this, you just don’t like the answer so you’re hoping somehow to change it.

It‘s not going to change. Even if you push him into getting set visitations, it won’t change who he is and where his priorities lie. If you had a child with him there would be endless arguments as he would expect his life to continue unchanged.

I think you either settle for a non blended “boyfriend” relationship, and close your eyes to how crap he is wrt his daughter, or you split and look elsewhere.

Pinkpots · 31/08/2023 13:51

He talks a good game, wants to look like an involved loving father on SM but in reality he doesn’t put the effort in does he?

I think he would be like this with a new baby, talk about how involved a dad he is, post cute pictures on SM but you would be left to do the actual parenting.

ConnieTucker · 31/08/2023 14:08

EveningCeremony · 31/08/2023 13:01

Yes, it does paint him as the victim father ostracized from being in his daughter's life.

You made a valid point regarding the legal agreement. It should be put into play regardless, and not because of a gf demanding that he do it. I haven't heard any updates regarding getting the courts involved so more than likely it is not going to happen. In this case, assume the worst unless proven otherwise.

It's just funny how he talks to people about his daughter, and their relationship, how he's proud of her/etc, and how he sees her "every other weekend" but that is not the case at all. He doesn't even see her every other weekend now.

And he post pictures about her repeatedly on SM as though well yeah. That he is so close to her, but its the mother that sends the pictures to him.

Show quote history

Sounds like he is more interesting in faking a relationship with his daughter for other people to form opinions on him, rather than putting in the effort to have an actual relationship.

Original poster
EveningCeremony · 31/08/2023 14:28

aSofaNearYou · 31/08/2023 13:29

So how often does he see her? Many dad's see their kids EOW, and you say it's been 3 weeks since he saw her, which is just one week extra, again not unheard of when there happens to be plans. He FaceTimes her every day, which is a lot (for context my DP - who is a very involved dad to our two DC and sees my DSS EOW, rarely FaceTimes at all between visits). She lives four hours away if I've read correctly, and he has never lived with her full time to build a strong bond or without all the conflict from his ex heavily affecting things.

Personally I don't think it sounds like he's doing too badly.

Very sporadically. It used to be every other week (with some adjustments due to the daughter being sick or my bf needing to travel for work/etc). It became less once we became serious.

They had an agreement that once the daughter turns 3 this year (she turned 3 six months ago) that he would have long weekends with her alone. For someone saying how unfair the mother is and how badly he wants to be with his daughter, he has only done it twice maybe three times in six months. So once a month now? if any? Regarding the last visit, he had travelled up to the ex's city for a couple of hours day as the daughter was being baptised and both families were attending.

OP posts:
Whattodo112222 · 31/08/2023 14:29

I couldn't respect him let alone be with him.

Totalwasteofpaper · 31/08/2023 14:33

My advice: dont build a life with this man if you plan on further children or on merging households/him playing any role in your sons life.

@piscesangel sums it up perfectly for me.

Original poster
EveningCeremony · 31/08/2023 14:36

Totalwasteofpaper · 31/08/2023 14:33

My advice: dont build a life with this man if you plan on further children or on merging households/him playing any role in your sons life.

@piscesangel sums it up perfectly for me.

That's just it, and what it is that I am looking for in a partner. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
EveningCeremony · 31/08/2023 14:42

Whattodo112222 · 31/08/2023 14:29

I couldn't respect him let alone be with him.

I'm trying to see the good in him, the other sides and dedication to work,friends, me (although we have had our hiccups in the past). I am losing respect for him on this one thing. As a partner, we have worked on getting to a good place. But this matter with his daughter has me looking at him sideways.

I'm a mother first, and everything else is secondary.

To him its his job, his goals interests, family, me, and somewhere in there is his daughter.

OP posts:
Backagain23 · 31/08/2023 15:55

I don't know, I think it's a big ask to put a child at the very centre of your world when your opportunity to bond with the child has been heavily restricted and laden with conflict from the very start.
That said, I do think it's so icky that he knows he looks shit and fakes it up for SM instead of actually doing something about it. It makes him seem rather vain and shallow, as well as a crap dad.
I don't know I could be bothered with this at all.

Gettingbysomehow · 31/08/2023 16:04

I suppose you just believed everything he said about his evil ex?
There are two sides to every story and until you find our her side you will never know the truth.
My exH has painted me as an evil witch to his now girlfriend who of course has taken his word for it. Actually I'm nothing of the sort, I supported him for 20 years and got nothing back.
He sounds like both a lousy partner to his ex and a lousy father to me.

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/08/2023 16:06

Choosing a festival over his daughter that he already hardly sees says it all. She isn't the priority.

I wouldn't be with a man like that.

CassiniG · 31/08/2023 16:43

'I was told by my bf (and confirmed by friends/family)' - that translates as the family and friends have chosen to believe his version of the relationship.

Sorry, but you got with someone who had an eighteen month old child and he's turned out to be a loser.

Cut your losses now before your own child gets too attached and you bring another of his children into the world that he may also lose interest in low he has done with his first.

He's really not a good husband and good father material.

aSofaNearYou · 31/08/2023 16:58

Backagain23 · 31/08/2023 15:55

I don't know, I think it's a big ask to put a child at the very centre of your world when your opportunity to bond with the child has been heavily restricted and laden with conflict from the very start.
That said, I do think it's so icky that he knows he looks shit and fakes it up for SM instead of actually doing something about it. It makes him seem rather vain and shallow, as well as a crap dad.
I don't know I could be bothered with this at all.

Yes, I agree with all of this.

hotmom4169 · 31/08/2023 17:04

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Greensleeves · 31/08/2023 17:14

I think you should follow your instincts; as you say, it's about not placing your child at the centre - or anywhere near the centre - of your world that rings alarm bells. He doesn't see her as a priority. I appreciate the point about that being more difficult when your bond has been interrupted and restricted by a high-conflict relationship with an ex, but if he facetimes this child most days he has enough contact with her that the bond should be strong enough to make not seeing her in person a massive problem for him. It doesn't sound as though he minds all that much, and he isn't fighting for more contact.

It's not so much about the frequency of contact - my dad worked away in addition to being divorced when I was a kid, and saw us much less than EOW as a result - but he adored us, always put us first in everything he did, pursued and maintained real, personal relationships with us, knew about our lives and our interests and was absolutely there for us when we needed him. It doesn't sound like this child has this from her father, and she probably wouldn't have it even if he was shamed into having her EOW. I would find his lack of attachment deeply unappealing, and wouldn't consider having kids with him.

Wildhorses2244 · 31/08/2023 17:17

I wonder whether some of the conflict with his ex is coming from his behaviour?

If, for example, he has agreed with her that he is having dd for a long weekend every other weekend over the last 6 months and has actually done it 3 times. That represents a lot of upset weekends for his dd, a lot of cancelled adult plans for his ex.

She is raising a young child completely by herself with almost no support from her ex. She is probably exhausted. And whilst it isn’t great to say “you shouldn’t get a new girlfriend “ if his contact has reduced since he met you then I can see where she is coming from.

By all means keep hanging out with him, but don’t move your son in with a man who doesn’t see his daughter, unless you are ok with this as a role model.

BudgetBuster · 31/08/2023 20:13

You are with this man more than half of his child's life, and he has done diddly squat to see or be a part of his child's life. I can understand why the mother might be hostile with him if he's only bothered (and finds excuses to avoid) to see his child for 3 weekends in 6 months. Presumably 2 overnights at a time, that's about 6 days in 90. Clearly this suits him, he's able to post pictures and pretend to be involved but do the absolute bare minimum in parenting, so why would he ever go down the court route? You need to decide what's best for you. Stay with him and build a life AS IS or move on. I sat this as someone who has watched my now husband bend over backwards in court, mediation, solicitors, appealing court decisions to continuously increase time with his son. It doesn't happen overnight, and it takes a willing participant - which he doesn't seem to be. You cannot want more than he wants for his own child.

Swipe left for the next trending thread